Can you train yourself to let go of the idea of "love"?

[smackie9]

Jump off a bridge then.....

[IndiReloaded]

How many women have you asked out this month so far?

[Indestructible]

How many women have you asked out this month so far?

In person, I haven't met any girls I wanted to ask out. I still kinda browse around online dating sites and try to force myself to write to any girl that seems decent enough. I'd say in the last few weeks, I've tried contacting about five girls online. None would write me back. Actually, with one of them, she was interested in just hooking up and having a more "casual" relationship with me, and while I was wary of that, I went along with it, but I think she kind of chickened out at the last minute, and we're not in contact anymore.

[smackie9]

Five? That`s it? and you are ready to throw in the towel? Come back here when you have reached 100 girls asked out.

[Indestructible]

Well, she said "this month". I've sporadically been trying to talk to and meet girls on dating sites for a while, now. I haven't exactly kept count of how many, but when I said "five", I was only referring to the last four or so weeks. Although, in the last year, there's only been one girl I REALLY wanted to go out with.

Every single girl I've asked out or tried to start something with has turned me down (whether it be directly, or just not responding to me online).

[smackie9]

You and most other guys.

[Indestructible]

How so? I know of plenty of guys that have no trouble having a "love life" without hitting on every single girl they come across. I'm almost 25 and have never even been on a date. My situation isn't like "most other guys" at all, as far as I can tell. Of it were, no guys would have girlfriends.

[Busy Bee]

Why do you think is it so hard for you to find a date? Do you have a fullfilling life in every other aspect other than your love life? Maybe you Need to work more on things that you can control, like your career, your physical health, anything that makes you happier and more satisfied with yourself. It will give you more confidence and will make you more appealing to women. Don't Focus too much on finding someone, it'll happen or it won't but in the meantime do something with yourself.

[Indestructible]

Why do you think is it so hard for you to find a date?

Eh, I dunno. The thing is, as it pertains to the idea of "asking out as many girls as possible", I just don't see the value in doing that. To me, that basically equates to taking what you can get, and settling for the person you can tolerate the most. And I don't want to "take what I can get", I don't want to end up with someone just because I can "tolerate" them. If I ever get married, I don't want the reason we got together in the first place to be "She said yes when I asked her out, and she also lets me sleep with her". I want to hit it off with someone, I want to build up a bond with someone, and I want that to turn into a budding romance. I don't want to just hit on every girl I meet and settle for whoever says yes to me. But at the same time, I almost never find anyone I really "hit it off" with that I think could become something more.

Do you have a fullfilling life in every other aspect other than your love life? Maybe you Need to work more on things that you can control, like your career, your physical health, anything that makes you happier and more satisfied with yourself. It will give you more confidence and will make you more appealing to women. Don't Focus too much on finding someone, it'll happen or it won't but in the meantime do something with yourself.

I'd say I'm content with the other areas of my life. I'm not exactly where I want to be just yet, but I'm working at it, it's going to take some time. Like I said, I'm not purposely trying to "focus on it". I went a good 5-ish years without "focusing on it", just focusing on college and work. Ever since I fell for the last girl I liked last year, I've just been having a hard time not thinking about it, especially because everything else in my life is on the right track. Her rejecting me, and then me having to deal with the guy(s) she chose to date over me has been making me painfully aware of how lonely I am, and how much I wish I could have someone (especially someone like her) in my life.

[MrHV]

I can relate to the question because I felt like that before. But here's what I've discovered. You can never really do away with the desire to love and be loved, it's hard wired into us. That's how we were created. With that said, you can numb your mind and become cold-hearted, but that's a miserable life that eventually ends of horrid solitud.

It sounds like to me, that you need to first get clear on your value and learn to love yourself. Then get clear on "who" , i.e. the description of the person you want (more than just the physical aspects, but the real big aspects of character you want in the person you want to be with), then go out and become the person who they'd be attracted to, as far as hobbies, interest, etc.

Hope this was helpful

[afroman]

Hello, I think I can give you some input on this topic.

I am a guy who has been rejected probably more times than he can count. Many times after going on dates with women. I guess I was on the more clingy side since I'm the kind of guy who likes to spend a lot of time with whoever I'm dating, but then they always wound up ignoring my texts after a while or hooking up with someone else.

After about 3 years of going through the same routine, I finally said "f*ck it". I decided "I'm just going to work my job, hangout with my friends, and have some fun.. I don't need a relationship or any of that jazz." After I decided this, I would just go after girls for sex, not relationships. I didn't believe in love. Then one of the girls who I was having sex with wound up getting closer to me and brought up being in a relationship. I told her "yes" because she was a very nice girl and we got along well. I wasn't really looking for a relationship but I figured "why the hell not?"

A few months later, I cheated on this girl with the girl who had broken my heart who I chased for years. She heard about me dating this girl, and wanted me back in her life. I said no at first, but I finally caved. The first two months were great, however I slowly realized why I gave up on her and heavily regretted dumping the girl I cheated on. I hate myself for it and regret it to this day.

Now, I am very depressed. I isolated myself from all of my friends (who don't even call me anymore) and live back at my mother's house. I stopped going to work a week ago and didn't even give them notice. I haven't really been leaving my house other than to job hunt or run errands. I wake up every single day in anger and am very irritable. I often fantasize about "going postal" which is horrible to say, but I do. I feel as though I have demons living inside me like I'm possessed and often don't have control over myself (kind of like the incredible hulk). My question to you is, do you want to live like this? I am a man who gave up on "love" and has resorted to a life of isolation and alienation from other people. I no longer feel human.

This will happen to you too. Don't give up.

[Indestructible]

I can relate to the question because I felt like that before. But here's what I've discovered. You can never really do away with the desire to love and be loved, it's hard wired into us. That's how we were created. With that said, you can numb your mind and become cold-hearted, but that's a miserable life that eventually ends of horrid solitud.

Well, I've already hit a point where, internally, I feel very bitter and "angry" about this subject. Now, the notion of dating, and girls, and all that, starts to make my blood boil, and when I see/ hear people around me flaunting their "love lives", internally, I just want them to shut up and go away (of course, I'm not the kind of person that would actually snap or lash out at others).

It sounds like to me, that you need to first get clear on your value and learn to love yourself. Then get clear on "who" , i.e. the description of the person you want (more than just the physical aspects, but the real big aspects of character you want in the person you want to be with), then go out and become the person who they'd be attracted to, as far as hobbies, interest, etc.

I already have a very clear description of the kind of person I'd most like to be with, and I've never been concerned with looks at all. When it comes to "looks", I don't have a "type", like most people claim to. As odd as it sounds, my basis for attraction is almost entirely based on personality and "chemistry" with a person. But, it seems I don't know what that type of person actually wants. Case in point, the last girl I was into. Me and her were on the exact same "wavelength" mentally, we're both smart and mature, we have the exact same sense of humor, we make the same observations about the world around us, we really seemed to understand each other very well. I thought that's what she wanted out of a person, and it just so happened that I reflected a lot of those things. But as it turned out, she's more into the typical "cool" guys, that like to drink a lot and party, guys that are often kinda dumb and/ or immature. I'm not "hot", and I can't be "cool" and "exciting" the same way those guys are. All I've taken away from this experience is that it doesn't matter how smart and mature a girl is, nor does it matter how well the two of you connect; chances are, she'd rather have a guy that's "hot", "cool", and "exciting".

My question to you is, do you want to live like this? I am a man who gave up on "love" and has resorted to a life of isolation and alienation from other people. I no longer feel human.

This will happen to you too. Don't give up.

In a way, I'm already there, to be honest. I'm already similarly isolated and alone in the world, and while I'd never get to the point where I'd do any physical harm to anyone else, I think within the next 2-3 years, I can see myself getting to a point where I question whether I want to continue living anymore. Every day, I'm growing more and more bitter and cynical. I don't know what, exactly, is wrong with me, but I just don't seem to possess the ability to connect with people (you could say that I also don't "feel human", and honestly, I don't think I ever really have), and when you lack the ability, it's a very sad, depressing life to be stuck with.

[HeartIsAching]

I guess, but that's kind of what I've been trying to do for the last... several years, now. I can't say I believe in something happening "serendipitously", especially because I've never been a particularly lucky person. I've been trying to not pay attention to it, but like I said, that's extremely difficult to do when it's all around you, and you can't even get a date.



Well, I guess I need to clarify. I'm not talking about "love" in terms of "passion", as in, loving your career or loving a hobby. I'm talking about having a romantic one-on-one relationship with someone. Never had one, never will, but I always wanted to have one so badly. I want to make that "want" go away, because it leads to me having a lot of grief.

Welp... you have to get "out there" and give serendipity a chance. It DOES take effort on your part. Do you have outside activities?

[michelle23]

I think the mistake your making is looking for the emotional attachment first. That puts you in the friendzone. Stop trying to be girls friend and if she seems like a nice girl who is attractive just ask her out. You can take things slow and if it doesn't work out-who cares. You can try again.

Its admirable that you want a lot more than just a good looking girl and want to take the time to get to know her first but the dating world doesnt work that way and if you dont hurry to catch the fish-someone else will.

[fearoflove]

Years of social conditioning trains people to believe that love is real and that life is unfulfilled without it. The idea of "love" is created through storytelling; its a fabrication. The strong emotions provoked by the concept of love is similar to watching a movie and tearing up about it except it is rewinded a billion times in our minds.