Curious in Chicago

[Jsnowman]

Hey everyone, I'm new here but love reading everyone's posts. Here's my story.....I was dating this girl(Jen) for five years. We met in school and had rough times during the relationship while we were both in school. Nonetheless, we lasted to the point where we moved in together after we had both graduated. It went well until she moved back home...three hours away...for work. I stayed but eventually moved to Chicago to be closer to her and for work as well. We continued doing the LD relationship but it was getting more difficult to maintain. She could not move to Chicago for work/family reasons. I did not want to move to where she was because I was afraid to commit and insecure about leaving the network that I had established in chicago which is where I've been living for a year and a half. Still I wanted to be with her and we hashed it out and I agreed to make the move to where she was. This was at the end of 04' that we had made plans. Come Feb of 05' i went for one my typical visits. This one was different, however. I knew what was coming and that sunday she told me that it needed to end because I had been dragging my feet to get to her. Whenever it came to making big decisions between her and I(living together) I have always been on the fence. During our talk she also told me that she didn't know if she was still in love with me anymore. I left, devestated and drove back to chi-town. two weeks later, I went out to see her and proposed to her to show her how serious I was. The timing stunk but it was something I was definately going to do down the road anyways. She said that she couldn't and rejected the proposal. So once again i drove back to Chicago destroyed. This was 2 1/2 months ago. We talk every now and then but most of the time it's me calling her. I try and bring up "us" every so often but her response is that she is numb and doesn't have any feelings right now. So within the last couple weeks I've stopped calling her and to my surprise she started calling me. We would talk for about 10 minutes but usually it was about stuff going on in her life. She doesn't ask me too much about my life so it's kinda frustrating. I feel obligated to call her back several days later after she calls me. I don't know if I should do this or just take her calls and not call her? I miss her terribly and can't ask her how she is feeling because it's always the same answer. What should I do? Move on and tell her to stop calling or give it more time? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry this post is so long

[Kel]

i've had a few LD relationships and they suck at the best of times...i'd have to say give her some time...stop calling her, and if she calls u then just smile and nod...i mean if shes not interested in you and whats going on in your life, and how you are holding up then why should you give her the satisfaction of caring bout her? i know its hard but she obviously doesn't feel as strongly about the relationship as you do and from my point...you're better off moving on and finding someone that is willing to listen to what you have to say and that's willing to talk about you and not just herself. as for asking her how she feels...its pretty obvious...but the least she could do is give you a straight answer...just ask her straight out and demand a clear answer...thats the only way to do it...anyways, its just my opinion...good luck

[Jsnowman]

Thanks Kel. It's not that she's not interested, more that she has put her neck out there for me in the past and did not get what she wanted. Basically, I rejected her because I was insecure with myself. When I would ask her for another chance, she told me that I needed to focus on myself right now. So that's what I've been doing. I've been going to therapy for about six weeks. It's been great. All kinds of stuff that has been plaguing me has been brought to the surface. I've been taking an antidepressant because I think that I've been chronically depressed for a long time. Nothing serious but I've always had a hard time truly enjoying myself when going out with friends/girlfriend. It's helped tremendously and I feel very good. Nonetheless, I understand where she is coming from that is why i have no anger/ill-feelings towards her. She is very honest with me and has told me that she has no desire to date anyone and needs time to heal from this relationship. I do as well. I just want her to see the changes I've gone through because of the therapy/anti-D's/time spent apart. So for now I feel as if I'm in limbo. I go out a lot with my friends and for the most part I can have a good time with good people. I look at other women but everytime I do, I think about my ex Anyways, i just wanted to add some more backgroud to my story. thanks again for the reply.

[inkeepingsecret]

Jsnowman,

Yeah man, your whole situation sucks, i know, i've been through it. LD by itself is a strain. In my situation, i slowly became more and more insecure. Until, i became comfertable being miserable. Its a crappy situation to be in. We both were unhappy for awile, until we finally agreed to end it. About six months has passed, and i'm happier than i've been in quite some time. The funny thing is, that you know in your heart you love this person, but sometimes these outside factors outweigh the love. Sounds crappy i know, but somehow you have to be positive about this whole thing. Now, i look back on the whole thing, and I wouldnt change anything. We had some great times, and im happy i found someone that i truely loved. If we wind up together 10 years from now, or if i never see her again, I know that i will be ok. Honestly, the breakup was the best thing for me. I learned a lot about myself.

Keep on doing what you are doing. Focus on yourself. Know that you can be happy on your own. A relationship will not suceed unless you can make yourself happy. Apologies for rambling about my sitiution, but the point i am trying to convey is that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Junket]

Curious in Chicago...sounds like the title of a movie.

[Jsnowman]

Thanks for your reply Inkeepingsecret. I totally agree with what you're saying about being happy with yourself. I've definately come out of my shell, I just want her to see it. That's the funny thing about the breakup. If it had not had happened, I'd actually be worse off and never would have done any soul searching and rediscovered what makes me tick. It totally sucks though because my heart aches for her. But i am moving forward and am surrounded by great friends in this city. Do you still keep in contact wity your ex? Is she seeing someone else? Do you still talk about the past with her? Sometimes i wish I could fastforward these exhausting months but then i might miss something great around the corner. Gee, ain't life grand. Thanks for posting

[inkeepingsecret]

I dont make any effort to contact her, but every one in ahile she will instant message me to see ho wim doing. She said she was dating someone i think, but nothing serious, because she still loved me. No we dont talk about the past, it makes things so much harder and i feel just makes you feel worse. Our conversations are short. If you want to read my whole story click on my name and look through the threads i started, its one of the first ones. You will notice how far i have come.

Once you can be ok being alone, life gets so much sweeter man. You start to realize how bad things were, and how great it feels to not have all those worries, and frustrations. At first, being alone is scary, but in time, it starts to feel really good. For instance, before i had a job offer in another state. I declined, because of her. Now, i have no attachments, im getting a promotion, and im more focused than ever. Keep your chin up man. Feel free to bombard me with questions, if it helps at all.