Economic prisoner in my own relationship and home

[4dvz]

Hi folks,

I have a problem of love, money and spare-time.

A bit under an year ago I met a woman who I love really much, everything about her. She`s definitely the most fantastic one i`ve ever met.
She was studying and now begins a new school in autumn, I was and I am working in a full time job. I`m a bit older than she is.
It was only natural I paid for most of our expenses, food, living, going out, trips, etc. I didn`t really think about it.

Time has passed, and at the moment she basically gets nothing/month and we basically live together in my flat and I`m starting to notice that I have grown a bit bitter for having to cover everything. I don`t really want to do anything anymore, I don`t want to go out, I don`t want to travel.. because everything a normal consumer pays for ordering a drink or buying something, costs me the double. I`m buying our daily lunches, everything, and on food I have grown obsessed in buying the cheapest stuff I can find because every part of my normal expenses have about doubled up.

And I have some kind of a problem with doing things on my own, it makes me sad to leave her home just because she doesnt have the money to jump in to my train of having fun. So I find myself not jumping to that train every time I have to make a decision of going out/staying at home.

All of you are propably thinking: Make her get a part-time job or something, well I have tried. She has zero working experience, and she`s not really trying to get any work.. she`s a student waiting for her new studies to begin in her mind, and she always looks like I`m harrassing her when I bring it up.

Now what am I supposed to do here? I want to be with her without losing my ability to live my life.

[basilandthyme]

If her getting a job isn't going to happen, the answer is simple: you either continue with the status quo or you end things. Let her go and find someone else who will pay all her expenses.

[stev123]

You aren't inclined to take of her and she isn't married to you. If you mean so much to her, then she would understand that you cannot afford some things at the moment, and would accept that. If she isn't willing to accept that, than perhaps you should find someone who will.

I would be cautious with a woman like that around, she is a student and surrounded by men, if she isn't interested in getting a job or helping out...than be careful.

[michelle23]

Get rid of her. Shes leeching off you. Her only responsibility is college and study? She should be working, looking after herself and contributing. Of course she is not going to bother getting off her ass coz she knows she has you to kiss it for her. Tell her straight up-she has 1 month to get a job and start contributing financially or you and she are finished. Tell her you cannot afford to support two people and you don't want to. You work hard to earn that money. And some of it should be set aside for your future-not all spend on your short term girlfriend

[TablesandChairs]

My ex supported me during my degree and I supported him when he went back to finish 1/2 his degree. We were already engaged when I decided to go back to school, something he encouraged...so I guess it's a bit different. I also worked part-time; the money I made went towards our holidays and entertainment and he did the same whilst he was studying. All in all, it was a good arrangement and neither of us begrudged anything.

You have to assess what's right for you; she might not be taking advantage of you per say but she might be a bit naive and not realize that making money/saving money isn't easy. She could also be stuck in 'lazy student' world because getting a part time job wouldn't kill her.

[VincenzoG91]

A bit older? Then perhaps you are familiar with the term "sugar-daddy." It sounds like you want to change the terms of the relationship into something healthier, and that's commendable. But if she is currently a full-time student, how is she going to pay her share?

I can understand your situation. My girlfriend lost her full-time job a few years ago and decided to go back to college to finish her degree. She has one year of college left, and I have been partially supporting her, but at least she works a part-time job. Your girlfriend should be aware that the job market has been really tough for new graduates in recent years, and will likely continue to be that way. If she wants a career right after graduation, she should be trying to get some work experience now to start building a resume. Ideally, it would be intern work in her intended field, but really any work experience is much better than none. If she isn't concerned about her career, then you can expect a lifetime of fully supporting, plus paying off her student loans for her. Talk to her now about her plans, so you can figure out what you need to do about the situation.

[HeartIsAching]

You might want to try this amazing tool called "clear communications"

Tell her this. Use an "I Statement". http://www.austincc.edu/colangelo/1318/istatements.htm

[bcgirl]

Where are her parents to help support? In this day and age, it's extremely difficult for one to support another with the cost of living these days on even an average wage. It ain't the 1950's. it's only natural for yourself to feel resentment for paying for everything. Your quality of life is compromised. You have to resort to eating less healthy because cheap is your goal etc. express your concerns to the gf, let her know how you feel. Communication is key. You've allowed her to get comfortable with the financial support so she doesn't feel the stress you are feeling of making money and supporting two ppl while she can be lazy and just study. There is no balance in the relationship. Once upon a time, the husband worked and brought home the dough and it was enough to live in a decent home and feed a wife and 2 kids and a dog plus have family vacations...but, the wife had role too which is being a mom which is like a full-time job. There is balance. Get the picture? You know what you need to do

[Wakeup]

She has zero working experience, and she`s not really trying to get any work..

Why would she when she has you paying for everything? You enable her to be the economic sponge that she is and until YOU change your overcompensating self, she'll just keep taking and not looking to contribute.

Communicate to her that you cannot afford to support her 100% and that she needs to get some kind of a part time job to, at the very least, cover her social activities.

This is about you and what you allow. Her? She's just really ready to receive whatever you're willing to give.

she always looks like I`m harrassing her when I bring it up.

SO! What's your point?

[VerticalMoon]

If she's not working or going to school this summer, is she willing to even things up some other way? I'm thinking could she be the stay-at-home partner who does all of the house chores- cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. while you work full-time? At least until she has classes again? Maybe then you would not feel so resentful. Or does she just think everything is owed to her? Money and division of chores are two of the most common things couples fight about. Adults realize that for a relationship to work, both partners need to make some effort in one or both areas. If she's not at a point in her life where she understands that, then maybe she is not ready for an adult relationship. It might be unpleasant for her to hear you make the request, but it's a serious issue that needs to be discussed and addressed. Otherwise, you'll continue to grow more resentful and things will get worse. If she's not willing to compromise on the issue, then it's best to end things.

[michelle23]

i dont think thats good enough her doing all the chores? its not enough if shes off college for the summer. she needs to get off her ass and get a full time job-even if its just mcdonalds. they take on new people ALL the time where im from and then she can do part time when her next semester begins.

sorry but i worked 3 days a week since i was 15-still had plenty of time for school and college. last year i worked 6 days a week, had college two nights a week, had time to clean my house every day and got straight A,s. there is NO excuse for her lazieness.

and you need to put your foot down

[VincenzoG91]

If this really feels like prison, you gotta play the part. Carve an old toothbrush into a shiv. Get someone to smuggle in some contraband. Offer her cigarettes for a blowjob, and demand to sleep in the top bunk. Be careful about dropping the soap in the shower.

[IndiReloaded]

Why didn't you work this out before she moved in with you??

Anyway, she needs to pay her share of living expenses. What would she do if you moved (or died!) tomorrow. You aren't married; you haven't made a conscious commitment to pay her way while she studies--with the longterm plan of improving your household financial assets for both of you, I might add. So, what is *she* offering you?

If this is about sex, then you'd better make it damn clear that is the arrangement. If you aren't even getting that, then you need to find your balls, sir.

[IndiReloaded]

If she's not working or going to school this summer, is she willing to even things up some other way? I'm thinking could she be the stay-at-home partner who does all of the house chores- cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. while you work full-time?

Not without a commitment. They need to *discuss* the nature of their relationship. They both need to agree to their contributions to the relationship.

I'm not saying its wrong to support a partner's education. But it needs to be discussed and *both* partners need to benefit from the sacrifice.

What guarantee does the OP have that she won't leave his Sugar Daddy Self once she has graduated and found a job? Where is his return on investment?

[michelle23]

Exactly ^^^^ only together a year and hes supporting her. Alarm bells!