older man with kids

[fes2008]

I've been dating this guy for 10 months who has two kids in their early twenties and one has a 5 yr old son. She recently decided to go back to school and told him her and her son had to move back home. I really do understand that he couldn't say no but its going to prevent our relationship from moving further within the next 2 (or more) years while she's at school. He had said he would want to get married before and when i brought it up after she moved in he said he didnt know what he wanted and wanted to see how things between us go. I don't want to wait years to get married and I especially don't want to wait if it isn't going to happen. I told him he has to decide if he wants the same things as me and he said he wants to be with me and will talk to his daughter to see what her plans are. I know he hasnt yet. Am I being selfish for not wanting to wait? I don't know what to do! Any advice?

[Starnique]

Yes, you are being selfish but I can see why a little bit. Even if you did get married that will still always be his daughter and grandbaby, which always hold a soft spot to the grandparents. Anyway, I dont see how her moving in will affect your relationship with him. Ya'll are all adults. I wouldn't care really about them moving in with him but you should ask him what does that have to do with you. I would just tell him, look go ahead and do what you got to do but since your undecided dont expect me to sit and wait around on you and I feel like that's shady because I dont see what that has to do with me and you or why our plans has changed. Just let him know that the problem isn't with his daughter or grandbaby, it's with him. That's it.

[Emereldess]

Hmm I wish I had some good advice for you My man has kids too, and the oldest one lives at home with us. He has never let it affect our relationship, although I have gotten quite close to all his children anyway. Are you and the daughter really far apart in age? I don't see a reason why she shouldn't accept you, especially if she is an adult now. Maybe tone things down (just for a little while) on the talking about marriage and try to get to know her a bit. Maybe he is the type of guy who wants his family to accept you just as well as he does. I'm no expert! But I think you two can make it work if you give it some time. Remember that you've only been with him for ten months. He is still getting to know you, believe it or not. My man and I learn something new about each other everyday just about, and we have also been together, oh, about nine months now. Hope this helps! Good luck with your relationship

[Wakeup]

I've been dating this guy for 10 months who has two kids in their early twenties and one has a 5 yr old son. She recently decided to go back to school and told him her and her son had to move back home. I really do understand that he couldn't say no but its going to prevent our relationship from moving further within the next 2 (or more) years while she's at school. He had said he would want to get married before and when i brought it up after she moved in he said he didnt know what he wanted and wanted to see how things between us go. I don't want to wait years to get married and I especially don't want to wait if it isn't going to happen. I told him he has to decide if he wants the same things as me and he said he wants to be with me and will talk to his daughter to see what her plans are. I know he hasnt yet. Am I being selfish for not wanting to wait? I don't know what to do! Any advice?

10 months and you want him to decide if he thinks your the next woman he should marry? If I were him I'd run for the hills from you. If you want a fool who will give into your need to be married before he even knows how sane/insane you are, then I suggest you try someone who will buy what you're selling because this man is smart enough to make sure he really knows who is going to be taking on his last name.

My advice. Simmer down y'all and give it some time in order to find out if you're compatible past the honeymoon stage.

[fes2008]

I didn't mean that I wanted to marry him immediately or anytime soon. I just want to make sure that we want the same things before we continue with our relationship. I don't think that's such a horrible thing. I dont want to stay with him for years to find out that we wanted completely different things.

[Emereldess]

I can understand that! That is just fine. But like I said, just take your time k, it will work out. If at some point it comes down to you being very hard-pressed about the subject and you just can't get it out of your head, then maybe approach him on the subject again and see if anything has changed. He is just trying to make sure everybody is going to get along I think. Try to relax and take it one day at a time for now.

And omg wakeup, your opinions show how under-educated you really are ha ha. Take a course or two, might do you some good! Beating everyone down on this site that asks for advice isn't really proving your intelligence to anybody, just sayin!

[Wakeup]

Lol... Whats the matter, emerald are you all a tither from being a step mom to your OLD man's kids? Still stinging from not getting the support on your choice from most people around here?

I would run away from someone who wanted me to tell them I'll marry them after only 9 months. If you think that's "beating them down" then I question your emotional maturity.

[Wakeup]

I didn't mean that I wanted to marry him immediately or anytime soon. I just want to make sure that we want the same things before we continue with our relationship.

Did you say "do you want to remarry one day" or did you say "do you want to marry *me* one day?" Subtle difference in wording but a very big difference in meaning, fes.

I don't think that's such a horrible thing. I dont want to stay with him for years to find out that we wanted completely different things.

Are you asking him to set a date right now but you'll wait for awhile before you actually tie the knot? If that's the case, you're still pressuring him to something in a very new relationship that is still in the honeymoon stage. It's after the honeymoon stage is over is when you know if you still want to marry someone.

[fes2008]

No I'm asking if someday he would consider getting married again because that's what I want. Yes someday I would like to get married and I don't want to stay with someone that doesn't ever want to get married or won't want to move further with the relationship because his daughter is living with him. I don't think ten months is too soon to think about whether or not you see yourself having a future with someone. I guess that means I'm crazy.

[Wakeup]

No I'm asking if someday he would consider getting married again because that's what I want. Yes someday I would like to get married and I don't want to stay with someone that doesn't ever want to get married or won't want to move further with the relationship because his daughter is living with him. I don't think ten months is too soon to think about whether or not you see yourself having a future with someone. I guess that means I'm crazy.

No.. it doesn't mean you're crazy, it just means that apparently, your bf is not quite on the same page as you are yet. (10 months is not a long time when you've just come out of a long term relationship and not sure if you want to ever be married again. What is your age difference? (sorry if I missed it)

How long was it between him becoming your bf and his divorce? Are you his firt gf since his last breakup?
Do you want children yourself?
Did you ask him if he was eventually wanting to marry again or have more children before you became too involved with him? All of these are very good questions to be asking potential lifemates that have already been there, done that. It's about compatibility or the lack of it.

Don't be discouraged yet. He's not told you he doesn't want to ever get married

Adding: I understand that you'd not want to stay with someone that never wants to get married or didn't want children when you do so I guess that would be a good place to start with him... to find out if you and he actually do or do not have the same ultimate relationship goals.

[fes2008]

When we first started getting serious I asked him if he would ever want to get married again and he said yes he would get married again if that's what I would want but now he says he doesn't know if he wants to get married but he knows he wants to be with me. he's been divorced for 10 years and has dated since. There's a 16 yr age difference but I don't want kids so I've never thought that was a big deal but maybe it is. I don't know. I guess I've told him how I feel and nothing left to do but let him figure it out.

[Wakeup]

I guess I've told him how I feel and nothing left to do but let him figure it out.

For now, I certainly agree. As time goes on and you don't see him wanting to advance the relationship any further then maybe have another chat with him about ultimate goals and such.

Good luck.. and remember, it's still early. As an example (that might relieve some of your angst): I dated my husband for three + years before we talked about living together, then we lived together for three more years before we married.

[Emereldess]

Lol... Whats the matter, emerald are you all a tither from being a step mom to your OLD man's kids? Still stinging from not getting the support on your choice from most people around here?

I would run away from someone who wanted me to tell them I'll marry them after only 9 months. If you think that's "beating them down" then I question your emotional maturity.

Lol I'm not upset at all. I just think it's funny how much of a self-emphasizing moron you are, preaching to everyone else your self-righteous BULL lmao when probably your current partner is so sick of your sh*t that he ignores you so you take your sh*t up on here and try to make yourself feel better! Just an "observation". Lmao

[Wakeup]

Lol I'm not upset at all. I just think it's funny how much of a self-emphasizing moron you are, preaching to everyone else your self-righteous BULL lmao when probably your current partner is so sick of your sh*t that he ignores you so you take your sh*t up on here and try to make yourself feel better! Just an "observation". Lmao

Who abused you in your past Emerald?

[Emereldess]

Nobody lol