Marraige failure

[Nomis]

Hello all, my first post here, & not a nice one
I have been married for 25 years have grown up kids & 2 grand children which u love very much.
Now my wife & I spend more time together our relationship has fallen apart.
We share no common interests. I do a lot of competitive sport enjoy walking my dog, gardening etc but she prefers to sit & watch tv. We are both in our 40's
I am slim though aging ! But love to train & be active to keep in shape.
My wife is so lay back ! Won't do anything & is overweight, I just don't find her attractive so avoid sexual contact .
This annoys her, but it used to be different with me being the one getting constant refusal.
I feel I have let her down by wanting a new life away from her. I have stuck with her for 3 or more years feeling this way.
It is not just physical appearance, her whole life style I feel is not for me.
We row often, she says I should love her for who she is ? But I don't
I do love her, she has been a good wife, I feel now a breakup is not far away.
When we have Mayjor rows I back off & lose confidence & stay only then to get miserable all over again
I find it hard to show any emotions to her, I am I great physical shape but just have holding a big woman
Am I pathetic ? Why has my outlook changed ?

[vashti]

She is probably depressed. Who wouldn't be? It is hard to see the person you loved make a life separate from you, and to feel like you are being judged critically on a regular basis.

The lack of sex is a problem. Not only is it pleasurable, it builds confidence and allows for intimate bonding. That you withhold from her would only contribute to her apathy and depression.

What have you actively done in an effort to create a bond to her? Have you tried to engage in some activities she finds pleasurable or meaningful, or do you spend all your time indulging in your own interests, separate from her?

You say she has been a good wife; I think you owe her the benefit of making sure no stone has gone unturned in trying to save your marriage. Divorce is hard on the entire family, regardless of your children's ages, and it should not be entered into lightly.

Have you sought counseling?

As for why you feel this way, who knows? It sounds like you think because you have spent so much of your time staying in shape, you are entitled to an upgrade. For the record - being in great physical shape isn't enough for a woman, and you WILL fall apart, too. It just takes a little longer for many men because they haven't given birth.

[sssspanos]

I think I get what you are talking about... Being 47 myself but not married and having been out of a 9 years relationship 2 years ago, I can tell a thing... Half of your life is ahead! Try your best with your partner, but if things fail go on with your life - don't spoil it...

Maybe your relationship with your wife was hidden behind the growth of your children, and all the family must's.. Now it's a new era.

[vashti]

P.S. - all marriages go through periods of ups and downs. The ones that last weather the down periods until things get better. Don't be so quick to think you wouldn't have issues with a new partner, perhaps even worse issues.

[Nomis]

Thanks for the replys.
Am sure problems would come with another partner.
I don't hold issues with my wife strictly due to fitness/size though undoubtably
They are a concern. After all isn't physical attraction what brings us together initially ?
My wife is very stubborn ! In 30 years she has Neva said sorry. When kids where little a fallout between us & she wouldn't talk sometimes for up to 6 weeks, that ain't right

[michelle23]

you dont throw 25 years of marriage down the toilet without doing everything you can first to fix it.

normally how a person looks on the outside reflects how the feel on the inside. perhaps if your marriage was happier and you made her feel loved, desired and attractive-she would make more effort with her appearance.

i strongly recommend marriage counselling. you have not nurtured your love, made an effort to keep the romance alive and tried to share common interests. that is both of your fault and now you need to work together as a team to fix it

every relationship has its ups and downs, rough patches, difficult times, dry patches(sex). i always think you should expect 80:20 when going into marraige which means 80% good times, 20% bad. its important to pull each other closer during those bad times. you dont bail when the going gets tough.

try to fix it, tell her how you feel, ask for counselling. shell have to be willing to meet you half way or else it is over coz you cant fix it on your own

[dem862]

Couples counseling is probably a good idea. It might help lessen some of the blame you are feeling.

[Nomis]

I just don't think councilling will help
I look at my wife, she is lovely. But so awkward, adamant stubborn & layback !
I asked her years ago to put the toilet seat down after use.
Years later she refuses to comply ! Why ? Shouldn't we be working together !
I know petty but true

[dem862]

I hope you mean the toilet lid.

Well, sometimes counseling can help with the decision to end a relationship. As in my case. My ex-wife and I were in counseling for years. I went in with the attitude that the counseling was going to help her want to stay in the marriage. It took a while, but I finally realized, the counseling was to help me let go.

[Nomis]

Thankyou. I have done well in business, mainly due to having an open mind & never being afraid to take on advice.
I am a good listener.
My wife loves doing the opposite ! She hates being told.
I know we all make mistakes, I fear being alone but surely it wouldn't be as bad as feeling unhappy, emotionless & loveless here.
I do feel down have for a long time. But don't think I have the courage to walk out.

[michelle23]

Thankyou. I have done well in business, mainly due to having an open mind & never being afraid to take on advice.
I am a good listener.
My wife loves doing the opposite ! She hates being told.
I know we all make mistakes, I fear being alone but surely it wouldn't be as bad as feeling unhappy, emotionless & loveless here.
I do feel down have for a long time. But don't think I have the courage to walk out.

If you really think its hopeless and its over then the only choice you have IS to walk out. Begin a new chapter in your life. Just dont rush into a new relationship too soon. Take your time coz there is a possibility that you will change your mind in 2 or 3 months time, realize you do want to be with her and want to go home. If there is another woman in between you than you will f**k it up and she wont forgive that so dont make any rash decisions when you do finally leave.