heartbroken other guy

[tubber]

A couple of years ago, I started becoming involved with a woman who was and still is in a relationship. I knew she was in a relationship at the time, although I had never met the other guy. From the start she told me that her relationship was not working and I believed that they were on the verge of breaking up. We got closer in secret and although she never (technically) cheated on him I gradually became emotionally involved to the extent of falling in love with her. However, since about 6 months ago the relationship is apparently improving and therefore I decided that the best thing for both of us is for us to try to stop spending time together.
The trouble is, is that we have an completely and unavoidably overlapping worklife and social group, so emotionally distressing contact is a regular and inevitable occurrence. I have become depressed due to this situation, whether it be guilt, rejection or loneliness or a combination of the three and I am unable to talk to anyone about it in order to avoid this secret getting out. I understand that time is the best healer, but I am still in lover with her. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[basilandthyme]

Tubber, my best advice is to create some distance from her. Start looking for a different job and be unavailable for some social activities. Even start looking at different social groups. Time and space are the best healers.

I know it's a crap thing to have to do, but when we create complications within our work/social group....it's kind of a natural consequence.

[tubber]

Thanks for your advice. However unfortunately changing jobs is not an option available to me, as much as I agree that distance would be the best option. In addition I feel I am hurting her by keeping distance between us as she wants us to stay friends.

[basilandthyme]

To bad if she wants to stay friends. It's time for you to put yourself and your own needs first.

As much as you need to accept the awkwardness of working and socialising with her as a consequence, she needs to accept the natural consequence of losing you as a close friend. If she has any compassion for you, she will understand that you need space to help yourself heal. Let's face it, she's been stringing you along and now it's all come crashing down in a heap. The fallout from this is as much on her as it is on you.

Why is changing jobs not an option?

[tubber]

I feel it is unfair to blame her for stringing me along. She and I are both equally to blame as I was aware of her situation from the start. I feel I need closure with her, but she still claims she still has strong feelings for me.
As for the job, my career is very important to me and changing jobs now is not possible as I am a scientist in the middle of a research project.

[TLe]

I dont think you should change job at all (even if you werent a scientist in the middle of a research), why would you let such an affair effect your career?. You will get over it after some time whether you notice it or not. Keep focusing on your career and other activities instead of thinking about her. Forget about loving her, she is in a relationship with someone and thats not you.

[tubber]

Thanks TLe. I agree that the best thing is to try to move on and focus on my career. However I am struggling to cope with losing my friends as they are common friends to us both (We both moved to our current location three years ago, which is far from both our home countries). I think this is the major cause of my depression, due to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

[skeeziix]

You need to focus on finding someone else and other things to occupy your mind, get her out of there. She obviously wasn't intending to break it off, therefore she was sort of cheating. That is not right to her boyfriend or you. Go out get drunk find some girls go hit on them and have some fun life is too short.

[tubber]

I think she was just insecure as at the time her partner was very busy with work and in combination with a horrible breakup in her previous relationship she was worried that the relationship would be over. However she did tell me that it was not because she was scared of being single. She talked with her partner and consequently he has now changed jobs and their relationship is improving. Personally I couldn't think about dating anyone else at the moment as I don't feel it would be fair to them as I wouldn't be able to give it my all. As for getting drunk and hitting on girls, it is not really my scene. In fact I am still a virgin.

[michelle23]

I feel it is unfair to blame her for stringing me along. She and I are both equally to blame as I was aware of her situation from the start. I feel I need closure with her, but she still claims she still has strong feelings for me.
As for the job, my career is very important to me and changing jobs now is not possible as I am a scientist in the middle of a research project.

she used you. she was trying to line up a plan b encase plan a fidnt work out. you can make excuses to justify her behaviour all you want but the reality is people like her are not worth it. she manipulated you into feeling sorry for her and making her bf look like the bad guy-pretending they were gonna split and you fell for every piece of crap she fed you. its too bad you didnt realize all this sooner.

you need to learn a vital lesson from this-that affairs or any sort of cheating is not the answer. next time some attention whore tries to become your best frien, tries to tell you her "problems", wants to confide and lean on you for emotional support-tell her loud and clear to f**k off. stay away from taken women and dont allow yourself to fall into the trap of an emotional affair if your in a relationship.

you need to stop looking at her through rose tinted glasses. shes a cheat, a liar,.manipulative and selfish. you should be angry at her and angry at yourself. start hating her and youll get over her in no time.

whats done is done-you cant change it but LEARN from it and move on

good luck

[tubber]

Thank you for your very honest reply michelle23. I don't know if you are saying these things about her to help me to start moving on from her or whether my description has in some way biased or oversimplified the situation. However, I should say that indeed she was very close to breaking up with him and I don't believe that she meant to use me or cause me any harm. I completely agree that cheating is always wrong, for both parties, both the cheater and the other guy/woman and I will of course never make this mistake again.
The question now is how to move on, when regular contact is inevitable. In addition I am feeling isolated as I cannot talk to anyone about this to avoid the secret getting out and avoiding her means minimal contact with all my friends as well, as all our friends are shared in this foreign country where we both work.

[TLe]

If you cant avoid her due to your mutual friends, then dont. The more you try to avoid her when you cant, the longer it takes for you to get over it, because your subconscious mind keeps reminding you about her. Just let it be the way as you are normal friends. You dont have to talk to anyone about it either since its already over. Maybe making new friends (not neccessarily girl friends) will help you feel less isolated but renew.

[michelle23]

However, I should say that indeed she was very close to breaking up with him and I don't believe that she meant to use me or cause me any harm.

It doesnt matter. She should have split up with him first before ever coming onto you. What she did was wrong and there is no excuse for it. And even if she did break up with him for you, you still would have been hurt. You would have been a rebound coz you cant hop from one relationship to the next. Healthy people dont do that. They understand that they need to be alone for awhile until they fully heal from the breakup.

The question now is how to move on, when regular contact is inevitable. In addition I am feeling isolated as I cannot talk to anyone about this to avoid the secret getting out and avoiding her means minimal contact with all my friends as well, as all our friends are shared in this foreign country where we both work.

You need to tell yourself that it was never going to happen, never will happen and you have to accept that. You also need to accept that she is not an innocent angel. You are still making excuses for her. There is no excuse for what she did. If she was unhappy she should have either tried to fix it with him or left him-not found herself a new emotional pillow to lean on. She has been selfish.

You are young, naive and inexperienced so at least you have learned something important about life and relationships now and you can avoid these things happening again in the future.

Your not in love with her, you are just infatuated. In order to truly fall "in love" with someone-you need to be a proper couple, experience a real relationship and figure out whether you are compatible or not. Believe me when you meet a genuine single girl and fall in love, it will be much different to this.

[tubber]

Thanks for your responses. Michelle23 thanks for your 'to the point' comments. They are probably more true than I can know right now.

There are a couple of points I think I should give some more details about as I have maybe give the wrong impression. Actually at the time we both realised that a rebound would not be a good idea and both agreed that if she did breakup with him that we should both give it some time and start again between us from the beginning. However we found it difficult to stay apart.
In fact she did not 'come on to me'. We were friends and spent more and more time together. Then we talked about it and that is when she said her relationship was not working, but she could not promise anything between us. After that I guess it was me who initiated spending time together and although she sometimes said that she thought it was not a good idea, she very rarely resisted my invitations. I guess I was under the mistaken impression at the time that the more we got to know each other the more informed decisions we could both make. Sounds very naïve now, I guess.
For now, any opinions on whether I should avoid her, with the downside of losing friends and becoming isolated...or trying to stay friends with her, as she wants, with the danger of then not being able to get over her? Many thanks for all your comments!