I'm a failure..

[Pixiegirl82]

So I'll try and give as much background as possible it could get lengthy so bear with me.

I'm 31 and I've had two long term relationships in this time. I was never really popular with guys in schools and I was terribly nervous/shy. When I was 21 I met my first long term bf who I was with for 5.5 years but it ended messily he was mentally and psychically abusive and left me in alot if debt, people were always telling me to get rid of him so I eventually did.

I met my next bf through a friend a few months later and we hit it off. He was everything my ex wasn't and we started 'seeing' each other. He was the polar opposite to my ex and was always taking me out and I would stay over at his. It was a nice change. I would stay over at his every weekend but we never met each others parents or friends and some of my friends would comment on that being weird but I never thought anything of it.

Two years into the 'relationship' my mother sadly passed away, as you can imagine I was devastated, my ex was supportive in his own weird way but never came to the funeral to support me and because my head was such a mess I never thought anything of it but my friends were very unhappy about him not being there for me.

The death of my mother hit me very hard. She was my life and my world without her was turned upside down. I'm a Pisces so I'm quite an emotional and sensitive person, I'd break down alot and my ex was always telling me to "get over it and stop using it as an excuse". Me being me I thought maybe I did have a problem.

So fast forward two years and it's like I suddenly had an epiphany because I come to realise my 'relationship' with my ex has all been about him. He doesn't call me his gf, he doesn't want me to meet his parents, he allows me to come to his place but only when it suits him, we take trips but only when he wants to. Even the wekekend when my mum died he made ME go to him, he allowed me to get a train in tears to go and meet him while his car sat outside his home. It all just hit me.

Even with regards to intimacy it was all about HIM being left satisfied whilst his attitude was at least I got to sleep with him! Four years of me putting myself out there for a guy who realistically couldn't give a damn about me as long as he was benefitting.

So I took control and told him I wouldn't be visiting anymore. He tried to make out he was fine with that but when he's been drink he's been texting that he misses me. He's lost his chance though.

Now I'm just sad. As usual I'm being hard on myself for allowing myself to be used like that. I'm too considerate of others sometimes and far too selfless and all I ever seem to get is it thrown back in my face. I can't believe for the last two relationships I've had that I've allowed people to do this to me. I feel like my ex was ashamed of me and that's why he treated me like that.

I'm most angry because my mum died and all she knew was her daughter had a thing for jerks. That hurts me so much. My confidence is at an all time low and I just feel like garbage.

Can anyone give any advice on how I can dust myself off and try to be happy again? Thanks for listening to my ramblings I appreciate it.

[michelle23]

your mum loved you and im sure she was proud of you. being with a jerk doesnt change that. your not alone in this. many men and women (id say billions) waste years on the wrong person. its called co-dependency and you can get help for that. join support groups, get counselling etc.

it doesnt make you a failure. you just need ro learn from past mistakes and avoid making them again and keep moving forward .

you need tto forgive yourself. nobody is perfect. and its not like you hurt anybody. you were just a typical pisces who takes on the worlds problems instead of your own. now you gottlove yoyrself and put you first

[Pixiegirl82]

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm so hard on myself as always, I've got a thing for putting all the blame on myself!

[overanxious]

pixie...as a man who is about the same age as you...let me tell you...ive been there...i lost my mom when i was 11...and even then girls loved me and i was shy....but as i grew older i got scared that i wouldnt be good enough and it made me afraid to want to open up and get attached to someone...even though girls liked me alot and found me attractive...finally i gave in a few years ago and let myself open up to someone....and it has damn near killed me.....now i cant say my ex was exactly like yours....i mean...she wasnt that bad...as far as making me always come to her and whatnot...she was loving.....and maybe i wasnt always as loving...but in the big picture i made sacrifices for her she wouldnt make for me...and eventually i moved to her hometown because she had a big family there and was very close to them and i figured it would make her happy.....but it wasnt enough.....and when it wasnt working for her she didnt have the decenty/maturity to tell me straight...she pushed me away and had to make me feel like the reason for it not working.....in retrospect i should have walked away several times when my gut was telling me too.....it wasnt completely one sided...but in the big picture it was...i was always doing the big work and making the major sacrifices...unfortunately i felt like i was receiving the kind of love that i hadnt had since i lost my mother.....but not the mature adult relationship i wanted.....and it led to heartbreak

[VerticalMoon]

Just because you wasted some time on the wrong guys and haven't found the right one yet, it doesn't make you a failure. You're only 31. You've still got plenty of time to find someone. Many people take longer than that. Some spend their entire lives in an abusive relationship. The important thing is that you're on the right track now. I don't think most people are able to get their life in good order until after the age of 30. If their love life is good, then it's usually being stuck in the wrong career, or the wrong friends, or something else. It takes time to find your path in life. You must have been doing some things right since you have good friends who care about you. As for the romantic relationships, if you've never been in a good one, it can take a while to recognize that what you have is a bad one. But you should be proud of yourself because now you have recognized it. You've taken the right steps to distance yourself from it. You're a brave person to do that. There is a whole world of good men out there waiting to meet someone like you. Just smile, and be glad that you're on the right path. Try to look forward rather than back. The only point to looking back at those relationships should be so that you know what to avoid, and so that when you do find a good man you know how to appreciate him. Otherwise, you should put them behind you and move on with your life. You're taking steps in the right direction, and that's the only thing that matters.

[alonebeast]

So I'll try and give as much background as possible it could get lengthy so bear with me.

I'm 31 and I've had two long term relationships in this time. I was never really popular with guys in schools and I was terribly nervous/shy. When I was 21 I met my first long term bf who I was with for 5.5 years but it ended messily he was mentally and psychically abusive and left me in alot if debt, people were always telling me to get rid of him so I eventually did.

I met my next bf through a friend a few months later and we hit it off. He was everything my ex wasn't and we started 'seeing' each other. He was the polar opposite to my ex and was always taking me out and I would stay over at his. It was a nice change. I would stay over at his every weekend but we never met each others parents or friends and some of my friends would comment on that being weird but I never thought anything of it.

Two years into the 'relationship' my mother sadly passed away, as you can imagine I was devastated, my ex was supportive in his own weird way but never came to the funeral to support me and because my head was such a mess I never thought anything of it but my friends were very unhappy about him not being there for me.

The death of my mother hit me very hard. She was my life and my world without her was turned upside down. I'm a Pisces so I'm quite an emotional and sensitive person, I'd break down alot and my ex was always telling me to "get over it and stop using it as an excuse". Me being me I thought maybe I did have a problem.

So fast forward two years and it's like I suddenly had an epiphany because I come to realise my 'relationship' with my ex has all been about him. He doesn't call me his gf, he doesn't want me to meet his parents, he allows me to come to his place but only when it suits him, we take trips but only when he wants to. Even the wekekend when my mum died he made ME go to him, he allowed me to get a train in tears to go and meet him while his car sat outside his home. It all just hit me.

Even with regards to intimacy it was all about HIM being left satisfied whilst his attitude was at least I got to sleep with him! Four years of me putting myself out there for a guy who realistically couldn't give a damn about me as long as he was benefitting.

So I took control and told him I wouldn't be visiting anymore. He tried to make out he was fine with that but when he's been drink he's been texting that he misses me. He's lost his chance though.

Now I'm just sad. As usual I'm being hard on myself for allowing myself to be used like that. I'm too considerate of others sometimes and far too selfless and all I ever seem to get is it thrown back in my face. I can't believe for the last two relationships I've had that I've allowed people to do this to me. I feel like my ex was ashamed of me and that's why he treated me like that.

I'm most angry because my mum died and all she knew was her daughter had a thing for jerks. That hurts me so much. My confidence is at an all time low and I just feel like garbage.

Can anyone give any advice on how I can dust myself off and try to be happy again? Thanks for listening to my ramblings I appreciate it.

Hi I am sorry about your mum firstly that's the biggest loss in anyones life before anything. Also I read everything you had been through, my advice and well what I think is its time to have a break from dating and men perhaps just until you can start to feel a bit more content I wont say happy, since you have had such a bad time in relationships like me 3 failed in 9 years, one way to avoid adding to that pain is to not date again for a while, if you do you open yourself up for more hurt and possible disappointment, if your single for a while you can work on yourself, and your state of mind, which is important. before u let anyone into your life.
Find yourself again and take time to reflect, not hurt, or regret, but reflect, remember your mum and try to teach yourself the same strength she may have endured. goodluck god bless

[TablesandChairs]

OP, when you're always blaming yourself and giving too selflessly, you neglect to take notice of what you're getting in return. With age and experience, comes wisdom and I think this is your chance to really assess what you want from a man, not just what they want from you.

Don't be afraid to have expectations and don't give too much to the wrong person; the right person won't let you make all the effort. Learn to set standards and don't waste years on people who clearly show the signs of being jerks. You can usually tell if a man is a selfish jerk within weeks. Don't expect them to change, find one that's already good.

[Pixiegirl82]

Thanks everyone you've really given me some food for thought. I need to really re-evaluate my life and myself.

[michelle23]

Best of luck. Keep us updated and come here any time and join the crew