your definition of cheating??

[confusednow]

Hey all

Ive noticed on other forums that one persons view of cheating can be very different to another's.

Lets take strip clubs for example. Would you consider a lapdance cheating or a trip in the VIP room?? Some people say a lapdance is just fun blah blah blah but to me, it IS cheating. Id dump my bf if he was going to strip clubs regularly. If he went on a stag-Id be okay with it as long as no ho laid a finger on him and vice versa.

It just really freaks me out that all these taken men think its okay to have some naked b**ch bouncing all over him, even touching him in some cases and making him cum. Many cum in their pants or pay extra to go to the "champagne room" or VIP room. It makes me feel really sick.

I trust my guy but Im worried that one day he will change and end up doing all this shady s**t, you know when were middle aged? I know its crazy to think so far ahead but trust is sooo important to me. Im scared to get married or have kids and everything coz Im so terrified of living a lie.

I keep thinking what if he ever does something and I dont find out about it?? It scares me. I dont wana lay there at night thinking "my man is the best, so loyal etc etc" and really its all one big lie and hes secretly paying a prostitute or something!!

I read this story about 6 months ago and it triggered so much fear and anxiety in me. I dont know why. I was never insecure or jealous before but I feel like I have OCD or something now. The story was about this woman whod been married for 28 years. She thought their marriage was great, was really happy, never any major issues, people used to ask her whats the key to such a happy marriage? And then she found out hed been having an affair with a work colleague for 18 YEARS behind her back!!! like omfg that would drive anyone to have a nervous breakdown. Imagine the hurt, shock, anger!

It scares me sooo bad and I think I need help. Im afraid to really trust anyone but I dont want therapy. Please be nice to me. I know I sound like an insecure, crazy freak but these things do happen and i really dont want it to happen to me.

The thing is I know that if someone does cheat on me, I am quite strong and Ill just walk away and forget him, ill heal and get over it in time, im not afraid of pain but the thing that really scares me is living one big lie. Does anyone else feel this way?

I know that not all men are bad but some of them are so sick, twisted, ****ed up-I dont want my man to turn into one of those pervy cunts. can you ever really trust a man? i mean with sex everywhere, the media, prostitutes, porn. I just think it has warped a lot of men, turned them into dogs coz they just see women as sex objects coz women are sexualized everywhere you look but then they turn around and say shit like easy women are a waste of space. It makes no sense like, its confusing as f**k. I dont like this world we live in. In fact I hate it. A part of me hates all men and I dont really trust them.

I keep trying to convince myself that a lot of men are good and decent and dont think sex is just sex and wouldnt f**k anything with a pulse but do i really believe that. Ive researched soo much, my brain is fried, im always searching for answers that a lot of men are good and decent, honest, genuine but im really struggling to believe it

Help me

[Wakeup]

Gah! You must be very young.
Learn to love yourself and you'll not be so freaked out for no good reason. If you know that you'll be fine (both emotionally, eventually and financially) if he ever leaves you for a stripper or a 'work collegue' then you won't have all this unnecessary angst you carry around with you and you'll just be able to enjoy the good relationship you are in. There are always red flags when someone is doing something they shouldn't be doing and if that guy could carry on an 18 year affair without his wife being somewhat suspicious of his shady behaviour, then she wasn't all that intuned with her marriage (which means it wasn't a good marriage anyway) or, she didn't want to know and only cared when it became too obvious to ignore.

You'll be fine if you stop your unnecessary thinking. You'll do that by loving self, having the confidence and the means to know you'll be fine after getting over some hurt. People are totally capable of loving more then one person... if they find they need to.

[confusednow]

Thanks for your response.

Im in a 6 year relationship, never had trust issues, never felt threatened or insecure or jealous. Hes never been in a strip club, never even had a one night stand or wanted to. He really is a great guy and to him sex is love. I dont understand why all of a sudden I feel this way. So scared all the time of living a lie. It makes no sense that I find it so hard to trust everyone around me. Nothing bad has ever happened, ive never been cheated on, all my family are loyal people, so are his. I just dont get why I feel this way now. Its really depressing me and getting me down. I feel like im losing control

[michelle23]

I know you dont want therapy OP but I think it would really benefit you. Your anxiety sounds out of control, your obsessing over something that may never happen. Something must have triggered this-something more than just a story in a magazine or paper.

Im sure you have nothing to worry about, your man does sound great and as long as you both always communicate, resolve issues quickly, put each other first, meet each others needs than you should have no reason to worry about him cheating in the future either.

There are always warning signs also. Paying for sex is sex addiction so if he all of a sudden develops an obsession with porn when hes 40-the next stage could be him sneaking around and paying a prostitute. Just keep your eyes open for red flags. You sound like a smart girl, your not naive and you dont want to live a lie so I think you would spot red flags and warning signs straight away and you wouldnt be the type to go into denial so dont worry so much.

Perhaps going for a long jog everyday would help reduce the pent up energy and stress or join a new hobby to distract your mind.

[smackie9]

Life is not perfect, nor are we as human beings. We will have moments of weaknesses and moments of strength. You shouldn't be worried about "What if this happens...." Just have confidence in yourself that you will have the strength to deal with whatever life will throw at you.

Maybe you should seek out some help, because mental illness such as depression can hit you at any time in your life......and since you feel this came on all of a sudden (your paranoia) and the fact this isn't normal for you, it might be something that a doctor could help you with instead of an advice forum.

[Wakeup]

Michelle: Paying for sex is not necessarily "sex addiction." I'd not want someone thinking your blanket statement was the truth.. Some people just don't want a relationship, have disabilities that keep them from forming a relationship or the like and so ocassionally they will pay someone to fulfil a want that needs filling. Paying for sex, is not sex addiction necessarily. Just clearing that up.

The rest of your post I agree with.

[Wakeup]

Thanks for your response.

Im in a 6 year relationship, never had trust issues, never felt threatened or insecure or jealous. Hes never been in a strip club, never even had a one night stand or wanted to. He really is a great guy and to him sex is love. I dont understand why all of a sudden I feel this way. So scared all the time of living a lie. It makes no sense that I find it so hard to trust everyone around me. Nothing bad has ever happened, ive never been cheated on, all my family are loyal people, so are his. I just dont get why I feel this way now. Its really depressing me and getting me down. I feel like im losing control

Have you discussed this OCD thinking you're having with him? There must have been something that triggered these thoughts if he's not showing you any red flag behaviour. You are having paranoid thoughts..

[confusednow]

but do you guys think a lapdance IS cheating? The thought of him going on a stag scares me. The thought of a stripper rubbing her boobs in his face makes me so freaking angry. I cant stand the thought of it even though deep down I dont think hed do that anyway. he hates those places and he hates cheap women. He doesnt even watch porn for christ sake. What the hell is wrong with me??

[confusednow]

Have you discussed this OCD thinking you're having with him? There must have been something that triggered these thoughts if he's not showing you any red flag behaviour. You are having paranoid thoughts..

ya he knows how im feeling and he reassures me. I dont want to push him away with all my crazy thoughts coz i dont want him to feel like i dont trust him.

[Wakeup]

Are you doing any actions that could push him away, like showing your unwarranted jealousy? Accussing him of doing things you actually have no proof he's doing? Being overly-vigilant to see if he's checking out other women, that sort of thing?

[michelle23]

Michelle: Paying for sex is not necessarily "sex addiction." I'd not want someone thinking your blanket statement was the truth.. Some people just don't want a relationship, have disabilities that keep them from forming a relationship or the like and so ocassionally they will pay someone to fulfil a want that needs filling. Paying for sex, is not sex addiction necessarily. Just clearing that up.

The rest of your post I agree with.

I think those cases are rare exceptions. In general I do believe that only a sex addict would want to pay for it. In some cases it could be deep rooted insecurity like the guy who was obsessed with a stripper but in general all these men have problems-be it psychological or emotional

[stev123]

ya he knows how im feeling and he reassures me. I dont want to push him away with all my crazy thoughts coz i dont want him to feel like i dont trust him.

Chill, don't let your immaturity and insecurity ruin your relationship. It hasn't happened yet, so don't worry about it. You worry about it when it happens.

[Wakeup]

I think those cases are rare exceptions. In general I do believe that only a sex addict would want to pay for it.

My Point: Your opinion is different then flat out stating that it is sex addiction.

[confusednow]

Are you doing any actions that could push him away, like showing your unwarranted jealousy? Accussing him of doing things you actually have no proof he's doing? Being overly-vigilant to see if he's checking out other women, that sort of thing?

I mainly keep it all inside. A few times while I was drunk all these insecurities came out and I started asking him loadsa qs and I cant even remember. a few times Ive cried at night and hell cuddle me and say you have nothing to worry about, I love you, your my world and Id never hurt you and I do believe him. Its just the anxiety takes over. When Im thinking rationally, I am fine but then the smallest thing can trigger it like someone mentioning someone they know who had an affair or something on the TV. I avoid watching certain programs or the topic of infidelity in general coz I dont wana trigger another anxiety attack.

[stev123]

but do you guys think a lapdance IS cheating? The thought of him going on a stag scares me. The thought of a stripper rubbing her boobs in his face makes me so freaking angry. I cant stand the thought of it even though deep down I dont think hed do that anyway. he hates those places and he hates cheap women. He doesnt even watch porn for christ sake. What the hell is wrong with me??

I'm a man and no I wouldn't consider it as cheating if I was with a bunch of friends and we were just having a laugh. But if I went in there and paid her to do something just with me then yeah I would see it as that, because that's purely sexual - hence why I say it's cheating. Relax, your guy won't cheat on you if you have been with him for 6 years, he's not an idiot to let something like that go.