Unhealthy relationship

[Backinthesaddle]

I wonder if anyone has any experience with my situation. This is long, but I need to explain quite a bit:

I am a 38 yr old divorced man, and I am seeing a 37 yr old leagally separated lady. Actually, we were each other's first love in our late teens. We broke up and did not see each other for 20 years. After I got divorced, her and I ran into each other and reconnected, finding that there was still very much chemistry between us. She was separated from her husband, and they have a 3 yr old daughter. She was married to a man much older that her (in his 50's). She admitted that she married for security, and they never had a romantic, passionate love, but more of a marriage of convenience and security. He is well off financially. After having their daughter, the marriage went downhill with him paying no attention to her or helping with the baby. They had not made love since she was born. So, she left him, not wanting a life of neglect and being taken for granted anymore.

Her and I started a relationship, and we are very much in love with each other. Problem is, she still maintains an extensive relationship with her ex. There have been many times when she has stayed overnight at his house, and they still go to the beach together for the weekend with their daughter sometimes. She has had a pattern of lying to me about her plans, so that I would not get upset that she is spending time with him. She feels that she needs to spend time with him and their 3 yr old daughter so that their daughter develops a sense of family. So to keep from upsetting me, she will make up somehthing like she's spending the night at her parents, or she is going to their beach house by herself or with her parents, when truthfully she is with her ex. She states that there is no intimacy between them and they are more like close friends, so she sees nothing wrong with spending the night with him. She works a few minutes from her old house. When she left him, she bought a house about 45 minutes away from where she works. She says that she stays overnight with him sometimes for convience if she need so go into work early or if it just gets late when she is visiting, so she wont have to drive 45 min home and 45 min back to work in the morning. So, she always has reasons to stay over there or justification for going to the beach for the weekend. She thinks it should not upset me since there is no intimacy between them and she sees nothing wrong with it.

I have been trying to be understanding about the situation because I understand that they must share parenting responsibilities. But I feel the overnights and beach trips are out of bounds when she is in a relationship with me. She says her life will continue this way, as far as the relationship with him. She states that she is not getting back with him and wants a future with me. There have been many times when she has told me a story, and I felt she was not being truthful, so I rode by her old house and saw her car in the driveway, late at night. I have also called her parents house acting like I got a wrong number to see if they are home when she told me she was going to the beach with them, and everytime they have been at home, which means she went to the beach with her ex.

I know I can't continue to handle this situation. I dont' want to lose her, but I know this is an unhealthy relationship for me. My emotions keep going bach and forth like an emotional rollercoaster.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Stillinlove]

Im pretty sure shes just looking out for her daughter on this one. She needs her dad dude. Dont take it to heart. But she shouldnt be lying to you about it. Everything should be open in a relationship. Talk to her man. Tell her how you feel, and that everythingwill be ok and theres no reason to lie. The whole beach thing is kinda weird though isnt it? Im sure its for her daughter. But what the hell do i know? Take care man,

[Backinthesaddle]

Yeah, we're working on the communication part as far as her just being honest with me and telling me when she is spending family time with him. At least I've asked her to be straight with me. I still feel it's excessive though. I do understand that they will always be a family and I expect them to communicate as such, and ocassionally spend time together with their daughter. But I have problems with the overnight thing. What I see is my girlfriend sleeping in her old house with him. She says she sleeps in a different room with her daughter, but she has told me before that she has slept in the bed with him, though there was no intimacy. Like I mentioned, they have not had sex for a couple of years, at least that's what she tells me. I told her I could not accept that, and she now says that she sleeps in another room with their daughter. I don't really believe that, I think she sees it as harmless, but knows how I feel about it, so she tells me that. Also, they have dinner after work a couple times a week, usually when they are exchanging their daughter. The weekend beach trips are also intollerable for me. I feel that is crossing the line, considering she is involved with me.

I know, If I read my own words, what I am doing is justifying the reasons not to stay in this relationship. It's unhealthy for me as it stands. I'm just wondering if there's anyone out there who has experienced this.

[Borko]

Try to figure out if she is totaly honest to you. You must see if she is telling you the truth.
For a relatinship it's very inportant to belive each other. Without trust there is only pain in the end.
P.S.
Sorry if there were any spelling or gramar mistakes; i hope that you got it right

[LightOn]

Backinthesaddle,

You're in a tough situation man!

But honestly it is unhealthy for the relationship for these lies to be coming about, even her sleeping over at the ex's is unhealthy, it can be worked out but not if she continues to lie about it.

Catching her in a few lies would draw up suspicion about sex with the ex too, Elvis sang the words "We can't go on together, with suspicious minds" If you can't end the suspicion then something else needs to end.

I've never experianced what you are going through so you may need to be more patient with your post hoping someone else has. Good luck man!

[Illusional]

f*cking b*tch, that cunt. alright i had to get that out of my system because my this girl that i used to date would lie to me all the time, or atleast that's what i thought.

alright, first off, you're right. you're right to have your doubts reguardless of what she tells you. although some ex's never hook up but still remain friends, it is awkward from a new bf's point of view for your gf to still be seeing her ex. the part that you are going to have to understand, and it seems like you already have, is that her ex is the father of her daughter. enough about that.

i think that she should be more open with you. lying is one thing that she could do without and you're going to have to talk to her about that. explain that you want to trust her, but it's difficult because you don't go around spending the night in bed with your ex. tell her that she should put herself in your shoes from time to time and realize that guys get jealous when a gf visits or even more so, stays with their ex.

the 45 drive is a time saver, but that is a weak excuse. i'd rather sleep in my OWN bed and give my gf 100% not to doubt me than take a chance and let the trust dwindle away.

in all, if you don't want to loose her, you're going to have to talk to her and explain how you feel. if she's unwilling to change her feelings, there are two options.. either stay with her, or move on.

raverboy

[abovethisall911]

i agree with martial rage,SNORE!!

[MaRTiaL RaGe]

I wonder if anyone has any experience with my situation. This is long, but I need to explain quite a bit:

I am a 38 yr old divorced man, and I am seeing a 37 yr old leagally separated lady. Actually, we were each other's first love in our late teens. We broke up and did not see each other for 20 years. After I got divorced, her and I ran into each other and reconnected, finding that there was still very much chemistry between us. She was separated from her husband, and they have a 3 yr old daughter. She was married to a man much older that her (in his 50's). She admitted that she married for security, and they never had a romantic, passionate love, but more of a marriage of convenience and security. He is well off financially. After having their daughter, the marriage went downhill with him paying no attention to her or helping with the baby. They had not made love since she was born. So, she left him, not wanting a life of neglect and being taken for granted anymore.

Her and I started a relationship, and we are very much in love with each other. Problem is, she still maintains an extensive relationship with her ex. There have been many times when she has stayed overnight at his house, and they still go to the beach together for the weekend with their daughter sometimes. She has had a pattern of lying to me about her plans, so that I would not get upset that she is spending time with him. She feels that she needs to spend time with him and their 3 yr old daughter so that their daughter develops a sense of family. So to keep from upsetting me, she will make up somehthing like she's spending the night at her parents, or she is going to their beach house by herself or with her parents, when truthfully she is with her ex. She states that there is no intimacy between them and they are more like close friends, so she sees nothing wrong with spending the night with him. She works a few minutes from her old house. When she left him, she bought a house about 45 minutes away from where she works. She says that she stays overnight with him sometimes for convience if she need so go into work early or if it just gets late when she is visiting, so she wont have to drive 45 min home and 45 min back to work in the morning. So, she always has reasons to stay over there or justification for going to the beach for the weekend. She thinks it should not upset me since there is no intimacy between them and she sees nothing wrong with it.

I have been trying to be understanding about the situation because I understand that they must share parenting responsibilities. But I feel the overnights and beach trips are out of bounds when she is in a relationship with me. She says her life will continue this way, as far as the relationship with him. She states that she is not getting back with him and wants a future with me. There have been many times when she has told me a story, and I felt she was not being truthful, so I rode by her old house and saw her car in the driveway, late at night. I have also called her parents house acting like I got a wrong number to see if they are home when she told me she was going to the beach with them, and everytime they have been at home, which means she went to the beach with her ex.

I know I can't continue to handle this situation. I dont' want to lose her, but I know this is an unhealthy relationship for me. My emotions keep going bach and forth like an emotional rollercoaster.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

snore..... zzz ....zzz.....zzzz

[Backinthesaddle]

snore..... zzz ....zzz.....zzzz

Hey dude, sorry if my situation or problems put you to sleep. I hope you never find yourself in my shoes, *******!

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[indigosoul]

this is a difficult situation & you are not making it any easier on yourselves by not being absolutely honest w/each other. if something about the situation bothers you, you MUST air it out. she is a mother, so for her this will always be her priority & if you love her you will understand. perhaps there is a solution you haven't thought of yet (like, you could move closer to her ex so she can bunk w/you..?). be flexible & understanding but also true to your own needs.