This post refers to January and June- two lovers of mine. June is current, while I no longer speak to January. However, as the post will reveal, January still haunts me even in my dreams.
For three years I oscillated back and forth between the two. When I was with June, I would crave January; with January, I would crave June. The two were completely different. January was scared of herself- scared of commitment, positive self-critique and intimacy. She begot within me the most abundant and detrimental trait of love a man can have, hope. I knew she had some feelings for me, but I also realize now that I was not the one for her at the time. If I was, the aforementioned problems she was wrestling with would have dissolved enough to produce an atmosphere where we could be in a relationship. However, they did not. C'est la vie, right. I felt connected to January. She is an old soul, as am I, and it made the conversation between our energies easy. I felt like she just understood me. There was passion, and romance- all things that are natural and needed for me.
What June lacked in mystique, relatable-ness and old-soul ora, she made up for with her foundational qualities. These qualities I have, hitherto, not yet received from a lover- friendship, loyalty, commitment, acceptance of me for me, communication. Not until June have I truly experienced these foundational qualities of which love is built upon. June is younger than January by 7years, 22 and 29. However, June's ora is much younger than January. It is comparable to a youthful woman. Me and her have half of the equation- the foundation. But there is no romance, no passion, no spark for me. For her, yes, she has all of that she says. But it is not natural for me. Her youthful ora makes it hard for me to be romantic. (Question 1) But could my old-soul tendencies be demanding more from her- a demand that she herself would have no idea how to fulfill? For instance, an adult's level of romance and passion is much more intricate than that of a teen due to experience, etc. So perhaps more passion and romance is not the answer I should be seeking, but either (1) accept it or (2) move on?
I have been back and forth between the two for three years. Ending up most of the time with June. However, Im controlling, unsettled, and sometimes unsatisfied when with her. I find I am not myself when with June. I find myself trying to shape her into what I want her to be, instead of relaxing, and accepting. (Question 2) Is the inability to accept and be content all the time immaturity on my part or a legit concern? There are times when I do find peace, but it does not last long.
June has what I need but perhaps not everything. However, I don't want to be caught in a search for what I 'want'. Your ego has a way of leading you in circles
on a superficial journey. The transparency my heart once had is no longer apparent today. I'm not sure of anything any more. My thoughts are so convoluted that my heart is now unsettled. I am searching for the truth to the anxiety and unhappiness that consumes me nowadays. Sometimes I feel supremely happy with June. Other times not so much. I do not know whether I should stay with June and curtail my need for a more earthy and old-soul ora, or leave her. (Question 3) Perhaps I need a love where the qualities of January are built upon the qualities June?
I suppose only I can answer that but a reply might lead me into the light.
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The heart is an enigmatic road in the forest of your mind.
You learn much of yourself along the way.
However, it is a road paved with glass
that wear down the soles of your shoes with a smile.
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