Boyfriend going through custody battle... I'm crushed and confused. What do I do?

[olive22]

Hi everyone. I am really devastated and torn over recent events in my life involving my boyfriend, I don't really know what I'm hoping to find on here by posting this... Peace of mind maybe? Or just anyone who maybe has gone through something similar? My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months now. I am in my mid 20's and he is in his mid 30's. We get along great and I have had enough previous relationships/dating experiences to know that I have found someone really special... I have enough of a sense of who he is, and what we want out of life to know that we really could one day turn this into something more, eventually. I'm not in a rush to do anything like that, but it's pretty conclusive about how we feel about eachother and where we would like to eventually see this go. There is one tiny issue--- He has a 3 year old son, and his ex-wife (they have been divorced for 3 years now) has just stated that she is bringing him to court for a custody battle. Up until this point they had an "unofficial" schedule of when they took care of him, and from my POV my boyfriend had his son much more than she did, and from what I saw/heard, takes much better care of him. Basically, the ex-wife is manipulative and spiteful and basically deciding now to drag him through this... Because she can. My boyfriend for the past four months has always divided up his time between me and his son. If he didnt have him for the evening, we would see eachother. I knew it was tough for him (and me at times), because the child's needs always came first... Obviously. If his ex couldn't take him for the night, then my boyfriend would, and our plans would be disregarded for that evening. It happened a few times, but I am reasonable and understand the needs of a child are his main priority. I actually loved this fact about him, because it showed me that he was a great father and who wouldn't want that quality in a man they are dating, right?... He was always attentive to me as much as possible, even when he was with his kid. He would call/text often, from work or home, to see how I was doing, when we could see eachother next, etc. I have never met his son as we decided that it wasn't the right time to do that yet, and he also mentioned that he was nervous his ex would drag him into court for custody if she knew that he was bringing another lady around his kid... Well, for whatever reason, she decided to bring him to court anyway. The past two-ish weeks have been a NIGHTMARE. He has briefly filled me in on minor details of it, but I still don't have the whole picture of it... What once used to be frequent communication during the week has basically diminished to nearly nothing. He will out of the blue send me "I love you" or "I miss you and I know this is hard" type things, but I haven't really even talked to him on the phone in the past week or more. I know that he is absolutely and utterly crushed and devastated. I know how much this man loves his son. And I understand how impossibly difficult going through something like this must be. However, our past 4 months of nearly pure bliss almost seemed like they never happened right now... I feel like I am tossed to the curb, disregarded, and that he is shutting me out of his world. We haven't broken up because I don't believe thats what he wants... but, it's hard to say that we are together when I feel like he has all together disappeared off the face of the earth for me. I hate seeming like I am selfish. I am not. I believe I am reasonable and understanding and trying SO hard to be there for this man, just as someone to support him, and I feel like he wont let me care about him. I understand that this battle has nothing to do with me, but that doesn't mean that I am not attached to him and that I do not want to still be his girlfriend during this... He will often go days without saying a word to me. The once happy man who loved me is not there anymore, and it so difficult to just sit back and do absolutely nothing... All while wondering what is going on, and missing him so much. I haven't seen him in two and a half weeks. I am at a complete loss and feel absolutely powerless over this situation... I hate his ex, and I feel like she has indirectly ruined what we had. Advice appreciated.

[surfhb2]

You've only been together 4 months girl! The guy is under a lot of stress so it's best to give him space. You're really being selfish because you're making this all about you and how it's broken you're relationship....at least that's how it sounds. All you can do is let him know you care and allow things to make its course.

I've been in this guys position and can tell you that my relationship of 4 months would take a COMPLETE back seat to all of this BS ! Relax please

[smackie9]

You have only known each other for 4 months, that is hardly time invested. He has chosen to step away from you because this is something he needs to deal with on his own. I don't blame him because he really needs to focus on his son and his well being. The selfless thing for you to do is to step down, and call it quits.

When he has things settled you both can revisit starting a relationship again.

[Wakeup]

I agree. I think, since he has no time for you right now that you tell him that you're ending it and that if and when he has all this settled, he can call you and if you're still single, you can revisit having a relationship with him then. Don't wait around for him.

This is one reason why I'd never date anyone who wasn't completely divorced, assets severed and doled out and complete custody schedules court ordered and in place. I've read far too many stories just like yours, Op.

I will say that if he wanted this relationship to continue then he would at the very least be calling you every night. Surely he's not fighting court battles and his ex wife 24/7. If you're not seeing him, you should at least be hearing from him if not everynight, at least regularily.

Hard to hear but look after yourself and back out now before you're a total basket case. You're too young to be waiting around for a middle aged man to get his shit together.

[basilandthyme]

Olive, the ex hasn't ruined everything you have - instead, her moves have shown you how he deals with stress. He stops talking and pushes you away! Her actions have allowed you to see a red flag about his personality. People all deal with stress in different ways and it's important to look for someone who deals with it in a healthy manner. Imagine if he did this if the two of you have a big disagreement and were living together...

[VerticalMoon]

If you're too demanding right now, you'll push him away and lose him for good. You just need to be patient. If it's meant to be, he'll come back when this has blown over. You just need to ride it out until then. The time will go by faster if you can find other things to fill up your schedule. If you have any friendships, that have been neglected since the relationship started this would be a good time to reconnect with those people. Also, search for other things you can do in or out of the house to keep yourself busy.