Very difficult situation, any advice appreciated.

[ccotton242]

About 4 months ago, I was invited to the bar by a friend of a friend. It was her other friends birthday that night. Although I had fun, we didn't hit it off. Two days later, however, the birthday girl sent me a text message asking if I wanted to go see a movie. This was the start of the most amazing relationship of my life. She was still living with her ex boyfriend, who she broke up with for charging thousands of dollars on her credit card, but he worked in the oil fields and was gone 3 weeks out of the month, the week he was in town, she stayed at my place.
Still, I didn't like the situation, she insisted she was over him. She told me some terrible things about him. He used to always ration her food, tell her she needed to lose weight. He told her that he was the only one who could ever love her. She was molested by her birth father and uncle when she was eight, they would come into her room while she was sleeping. Eventually, she was taken in by a foster family.
He used these emotions against her by sleeping with her while she was asleep. She is terribly embarrassed about it, it makes her cry and feel disgusting when she brings it up, and rightfully so. And he was constantly texting her things to manipulate her emotions against me, and towards him.
Well for a few months, things went amazingly, she told me she was super in love with me, that I was so much more passionate in bed than anyone she'd ever been with, that she liked me so much sometimes it scared her. I fell deeply in love. But then her "roommate" came back one month. He slept with a different girl, took pictures of himself next to her breasts and genitals, and showed them to my girlfriend. He told her that he liked sleeping with this woman because she was so much smaller than my girlfriend, that it made him feel like a man. She freaked out and broke up with me that night over a text message because she was convinced she wouldn't be upset if she didn't love him.
We remained very close friends while she tried to figure herself out. I remained incredibly supportive. She ended up calling me one day saying she had to see me immediately. She told me she had slept with him, that it made her feel disgusting, that she had to imagine she was this other woman. She said he slept with her numerous times while she was asleep. I didnt even flinch, my mother was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my father. I just said I know. She thought I was going to run away, but I didn't. She got more and more distant with me, but still saw me regularly, still talked to me on the phone daily, and often times flirted with me. On a few occasions we made love.
She says she loves him, but she also hates him, but she keeps trying to work things out with this man.
On three different occasions, shes asked him to move, he won't, and she won't leave her apartment. She finally told me that he was going to be moving out the next weekend. She started getting close again, getting flirty. But then one night, she snapped at me, told me she needed a break. I gave it to her. 4 days later, she calls me back. She's wanting to be friends, but to stay single for now. I say okay. She then goes on to say that she still thinks she might get back together with him, that he "probably" will be moving out, and won't mention me and her together again at all.
She is a broken woman right now, he is destroying her, and I've never loved anyone with the same intensity as I love this amazing woman, but he has a hold over her. He quit his job so he is at the house 24 hours a day. Luckily, she works a lot of hours, but he's still around her constantly. He's relying purely on his National Guard pay right now.
He guilts her by acting crazy. He punched himself repeatedly in the face while crying hysterically, convinced her it was her fault. She told him to leave for three days, he came back that night and had sex with her. She no longer smiles at all.
What should I do here??? I won't give up on her, for her sake if not for mine. She is so brainwashed right now she doesn't see what he is doing as abuse. She still wants to spend time with me every single week, but he is her primary focus right now.
This man needs to be out of her life. Any advice???

[THX]

I feel really bad for you man. You're a really nice guy. You love her so you give her far too much credit. I know what is going on here but in the head space you are now you would never believe it. This woman has a high desire to chase validation. This other man is what she wants. A man who witholds validation so she can constantly chase it. If she ever got his validation she wouldn't know what to do with it. She would drop him like a cat drops a dead mouse after the fight is over. She doesn't feel worthy, and every time she finds a man who thinks she is worthy she will ultimately read into it that his standards aren't high enough, because she doesn't want to be part of any group that would have her as a member.

You want to save her and nothing is going to stop you from trying as much as it takes, and THAT is your problem.

I could come in here and tell you all the behavior from her that you shouldn't have put up with, but you won't care long enough for it to matter.

Until you come to the place where leaving this woman behind is a thought you will entertain you will intimately know pain. I pray for the day you draw the line my friend. Good luck.

[ccotton242]

I feel really bad for you man. You're a really nice guy. You love her so you give her far too much credit. I know what is going on here but in the head space you are now you would never believe it. This woman has a high desire to chase validation. This other man is what she wants. A man who witholds validation so she can constantly chase it. If she ever got his validation she wouldn't know what to do with it. She would drop him like a cat drops a dead mouse after the fight is over. She doesn't feel worthy, and every time she finds a man who thinks she is worthy she will ultimately read into it that his standards aren't high enough, because she doesn't want to be part of any group that would have her as a member.

You want to save her and nothing is going to stop you from trying as much as it takes, and THAT is your problem.

I could come in here and tell you all the behavior from her that you shouldn't have put up with, but you won't care long enough for it to matter.

Until you come to the place where leaving this woman behind is a thought you will entertain you will intimately know pain. I pray for the day you draw the line my friend. Good luck.

I appreciate your honesty, but I disagree with you whole heartedly. Even her friends see the difference in her around him rather than around me, and they despise him for it. I grew up in a psychologically abusive household, and I recognize the signs, my mother almost killed herself because of similar behavior. I haven't taken everything sitting down, believe me. I've been supportive, but I've also put my foot down on numerous occasions. When he leaves for drill, she begins to become herself again, he gets back, and she's bitter and hates herself until he's gone again.

[Valixy]

She is in a terrible and abusive relationship but she isn't exactly leaving him, or not for too long and you can't do that for her, only she can do it. People who suffer addiction behave like that, they are being destroyed by the drugs, alcohol and they honestly want to stop taking them but they find themselves unable to do that for a long time. It's not something that the family, partner or friends can do for one.

She is addicted to that relationship, living again and again her childhood drama and being hurt every day by that man in a way or another. Maybe when she will hit rock bottom, she will react and start a different life, become a different person little by little, but who knows when that is going to happen?

You can't have a relationship with her. She isn't well, anyone who puts up with that kind of behaviour from a partner can't be well, she needs professional help and lots of work on herself, and you need to understand that sometimes you can't fix a person or a situation no matter how much you would like to. You have to be realistic about this relationship and let go, or you'll end up suffering even more and all this without actually having the love you long for.

[ccotton242]

She is in a terrible and abusive relationship but she isn't exactly leaving him, or not for too long and you can't do that for her, only she can do it. People who suffer addiction behave like that, they are being destroyed by the drugs, alcohol and they honestly want to stop taking them but they find themselves unable to do that for a long time. It's not something that the family, partner or friends can do for one.

She is addicted to that relationship, living again and again her childhood drama and being hurt every day by that man in a way or another. Maybe when she will hit rock bottom, she will react and start a different life, become a different person little by little, but who knows when that is going to happen?

You can't have a relationship with her. She isn't well, anyone who puts up with that kind of behaviour from a partner can't be well, she needs professional help and lots of work on herself, and you need to understand that sometimes you can't fix a person or a situation no matter how much you would like to. You have to be realistic about this relationship and let go, or you'll end up suffering even more and all this without actually having the love you long for.

I'm worried about that too... but she gets so upset after he does it, she calls me crying her eyes out. I feel like I'm her only anchor right now, but I also feel I'm getting dragged down as well.

[THX]

Even her friends see the difference in her around him rather than around me, and they despise him for it.

When he leaves for drill, she begins to become herself again, he gets back, and she's bitter and hates herself until he's gone again.

You are clearly the better choice for her, and she is clearly happier when she is with you. I don't argue with that, but at the same time it is irrelevant. Her friends and the rest of the sane world aren't making her desisions for her, she is. What I'm trying to suggest to you is that some people push away happiness for many different reasons. Chief among them is they don't think they deserve it. Some people are addicted to negative emotions as unbelievable as that may sound.

It does'nt matter what someone says they are going to do, when there actions don't meet there assertions.

[lalalita]

He is her drug. No matter how much it hurts her, she will always go back to him unless a clean break away is made. (IE: she moves out, cuts off contact with him, gets a restraining order if he does not leave her alone etc.) She thought she could get away from him through you. That her love for you (and I don't doubt she does have feelings for you) would blind her from the pain and withdrawel of not being with her sick addiction.

I speak from being in two abusive relationships, both of which I had to be lead out of (almost forced out of) by understanding and amazing men like you.

She clearly wants away from this man, but doesn't know how to do it. I think she wants to be with you, but needs your help making that happen. This can be a very trying and draining process for you...but if you want her, it will be worth it.