Can I save my marriage?

[oberyn]

Last Wednesday my wife moved out of our shared apartment and in to a friend's vacant one. We were married very young and she stated that she felt as though she never had a chance to be young and irresponsible or to live the life of a young person and that though we have the same long term plans and goals that in the short term she felt she was a negative impact on my life due to me frequently making compromises design to increase her happiness. This is potentially true as she has been gradually pulling away for a while (since a near death scare) and I have been kind door matting myself to keep her here. She also stated that though she loves me very much that our relationship has become like family as opposed to like lovers and that it now feels somewhat awkward being specifically romantic with me. I think that this last part is likely in part due to having thoughts of leaving in the back of her head for a few months now and therefore feeling guilty about acting romantically like nothing is wrong.

We are still spending time together. She has come over for movies a couple of times. The first time she came over we were actually fairly lovey. There was a lot of hand holding, dancing, some cuddling and even a little kissing. This most recent time, much less so, but I am trying to tell myself that is likely in large part because she has a brutal cold right now and because I made things a little awkward by talking about our relationship early in the evening. We did still cuddle a bit during the movie, which she said was nice and commented that we never cuddled during movies while she lived here (not a sign of lack of affection. I am very, very affectionate with her. She just always used to sit on my left and I have a bad left shoulder so cuddling was painful. She sat on my right this visit). We kissed a couple of times but it was me who initiated it. She seemed to feel a little odd about it but not odd enough to say no when I asked if it was okay if I kissed her.

I know she is very much enjoying having her own place right now, actually, for the first time in her life. She went from living with her mother to living with me. She has stated that no matter what she would like to keep her own place for at least a while, which I am totally fine with. I have also informed her that I am totally fine with her living the life of a young person, that I never objected to it, that she only thought I objected due to me texting her occasionally while she was out late at night to ensure she was okay. I did also tell her, though, that I do very much want to work things out but that compromises will have to be made on both sides. That I demand more respect out of a relationship than I had been receiving lately.

That's pretty much where I am right now.... Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts?

[HeartIsAching]

though she loves me very much that our relationship has become like family as opposed to like lovers

One thought:

This right here is the crux. When you get married, you do become family. What she's feeling now is that the "honeymoon" period has ended. Too bad, but that was inevitable. If she "loves you a lot" and isn't blowing smoke, then it's time for her to grow up and realize that. That the butterflies go away, and what's left is the warm affection and ease of love.

[Wakeup]

Do you guys have any boundaries in place while she remains at her own place, like no dating others for instance or is this separation wide open?

[HeartIsAching]

Do you guys have any boundaries in place while she remains at her own place, like no dating others for instance or is this separation wide open?

That's an excellent point.

[oberyn]

Do you guys have any boundaries in place while she remains at her own place, like no dating others for instance or is this separation wide open?

No specific boundaries have been set but I don't think she would do that, at least not this soon.

[Wakeup]

Oh! I really recommend you talk to her about this. You may be thinking she's going to remain exclusive while she "experiences her youth" and she may be thinking the complete opposite. You're still married even if you are no longer living with one another ~ see if she considers that you are or that this separation means she can "experience her youth" by acting single.

[HeartIsAching]

No specific boundaries have been set but I don't think she would do that, at least not this soon.

Don't "think" - know. Do this by communicating clearly.

[oberyn]

Do you think I should phone her like right away to discuss this or discuss it next time I see her?

[HeartIsAching]

I think I'd schedule a time to discuss it with her right away - and tell her what it is you want to discuss. That'll give you both time to get your feelings on the matter straight and figure out what you want your boundaries to be.

Don't wait. I know you think she wouldn't do that, but what if as Wakeup said she thinks she's got license to, and you find out she has been because you waited?

[Wakeup]

^^^ agreed!

[oberyn]

I texted her and asked if we could talk about it sometime and she said not tonight, she wasn't sure when would be good. I asked her if I could call she said no, because she was in a good mood and thought talking would ruin it.

[Wakeup]

What exactly did you text her?..

[michelle23]

your being a doormat OP. shes being selfish.

if i were you id tell her to cut the bullshit. its all or nothing. tell her if she wants to come home let you know but until then **** off and dont come back.

you need to man up, grow a backbone and stop placing all the power in her hands. shell just take and take and take and string you along only to drop you likeca hot potato when itcsuits her. shes 100% in control and she has your balls on a chain around her neck.

tell her your not playing her stupid games. she married you, it was her decision, she wasnt forced into it and she gave her vows "for better or for worse"

tell the bitch to go and get some counselling and figure her shit out but you dont want to hear from her at all until she knows for sure whether shes coming home or not.

sorry to be so blunt here but she will lose all respect for you if you put up with all this crap.

you need to cut ALL contact with her, tell her your not prepared to sit and wait for her and marriage is about team work, working together to resolve issues and getting counselling if you cant resolve it alone. her moving out of your home should be a very last resort and her crap about experiencing youth is BS

shes thinking the grass is greener, your losing her and if you really want her back then its time to stop putting up with all this shit and lay down the law. your being too passive and it wont work

[oberyn]

What exactly did you text her?..

I asked her if she was busy and then said that I had realized that as much as I know her well enough to know she would not do anything to hurt me that we had not set clear boundaries on acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. I asked if we could speak about it. She said not tonight and she didn't know when. I asked if I could call and she said she was in a good mood and thought talking would ruin it.

[oberyn]

We talked and established at least temporary boundaries.

I wound up telling her it was very important to me and she called. She a admitted that she had prepared herself to move on and was not seriously considering coming back an option that since we had talked a few times she considered it a possibility but that she was not currently leaning that way, that marriage was not something she wanted now, that she did not feel suited to it and was not sure it would ever be right for her. I told her that I could accept that it was possibly not a situation in which she could ever be totally comfortable and that I could accept a romantic relationship in which she still lived separately (it is fairly true that she struggles with living with others. She is constantly more concerned about the impact of her actions, like playing music or even watching youtube videos have on what I am doing than what she wants to do). This may seem doormattish but I do love her deeply and am truly willing to accept a relationship where we do not necessarily see one another every day if she is happy in it. What I need from a relationship is met by that and, to be totally honest, I also appreciate having a decent amount of time to myself. I told her that it would be very acceptable to me and that I felt our relationship was still a very positive one, that we still do clearly love one another if not with the same ''in love'' feelings as when we were first married and that Ifelt it would still be very much a positive force in our lives. That I felt that deep down she felt that too but had prepared herself to move on to a degree that she was fighting those feelings looking at them as a step back as opposed to forward. She admitted that may be true and I told her I was very hurt that she would not have put in more effort and thought. I also pointed out that she seemed to be banking on an option that did not exist in which we could still be best friends. That I did not think I would be able to accept that relationship. She admitted that originally when she left she thought that would be the case and had only considered us staying friends an option after the fact. I was pretty shocked and fairly hurt and told her so (calmly). She told me that she was very upset and felt terrible about disappointing me. I told her that I did not want her to feel guilty or to drag things out longer in order to not upset me but that I felt she should very seriously consider my suggestion in terms of how our relationship could move forward, to truly consider it without fighting her feelings. I pointed out to her that such a relationship was no more trapping than any other relationship she may go on to have and she replied that she was not entirely sure she was interested in any relationship for at least quite some time. I accepted that as being valid. Some other stuff I don't recall was said (I was fairly emotional at this point though not expressing it). I once again reiterated that I did not feel she was being entirely truthful with herself about her feelings (there are a few things that make me feel that way, for instance the other night I walked her home and then walked home myself, she texted me shortly after I arrived at home to ensure I had made it home safely which I did not hear due to wearing headphones, texted again a few minutes later and then when I did not respond to that text after a few minutes attempted to activate the gps tracking on my phone. That level of panic is not like her). She agreed this was possibly so before receiving several text messages from her friend who had arrived to pick her up for another friend's birthday party (I knew she was going and that someone was going to pick her up soon. I just didn't want to end the conversation prematurely.) She then needed to go and agreed to call me either tonight when she got home or tomorrow sometime.

So, I'm pretty much done I guess.