Open Mouth, Insert Foot

[Rowen]

Hey, everyone, for the purposes of this problem, I'll try to keep it as short as possible. This afternoon, I was informed by my mother that my brother is looking to propose marriage to his girlfriend of four years. While this would normally make anyone happy, I'm not overly thrilled about it, as horrible as it sounds... Don't get me wrong- I'd never say anything or do anything to stand in the way of my older brother's happiness, but I never really liked her because of how I see her treating him all the time, and I'm kind of concerned he's going to wake up one day and realize the reality of things. She never really respects him or us and our house when she's here. This is the same girl, too, that held a grudge for six months because my brother bought her an expensive necklace for Valentine's Day even though he didn't get her a card. So...all this being said, I'm not entirely sure if I'm a horrible person for thinking like this, especially because she picked out an expensive ring instead of having my brother choose something from his heart. Maybe I'm old fashioned though? Even if I'm being rational, does anyone know of any good techniques with holding back because I really don't want to say anything that's going to hurt him?

I don't mean to sound like a jerk... I want him to be happy, so I want to do what I can to make sure I hold my tongue. This is basically the gist even though the entire tale is about a thousand times more complicated. :S Thank you to anyone who replies...

[pcmaster]

I would ask how he decided to marry her. By the sound of it it could be her idea. Anyway it sounds like its his first real GF too. While its hard for you to understand how he can tolerate her, I think damage that is done by day is compensated by night so shes pretty much bearable for him. While you never can ask your brother to see women cleary as you do and judge them for their personality, you still can go to wedding and bring as many gay friends as you can and be happy together with everyone !

[basilandthyme]

Rowen, I was in the exact same situation with my sister and her ex, so you have my understanding and sympathy. I'm not sure that keeping quiet is the best policy. But my sister didn't listen to me or our parents, so perhaps I'm talking out my ass.

Anyway, you're NOT a horrible person. In fact, I think you're one of the most thoughtful and kind guys I've had the pleasure to know online.

I guess if you want ideas for holding back, then go with the idea of "don't give advice unless someone asks for it"

[Valixy]

I try to never interfere in my brother's relationships unless I can bring a positive contribution. Being very aware that having some problems and facing some differences in a relationship is normal, I wouldn't expect him to go through life without having to deal with some. I am also very tolerant and supportive and I immediately accept someone important to him as important to me too. However I consider essential for people to try to maintain some common sense, respect and sense of justice whatever relationship situation they are facing and if one of his girlfriends would ever lose hers and decide to simply be a 'bitch', I would let her know my opinion. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing but I couldn't let anyone to willingly attempt against my brother's happiness.

[Rowen]

Thank you, all, for taking the time to respond.

To PC- Actually, it is his first legitimate girlfriend, as far as I know unless he had a secret one in the past. I know he was trying to put together a relationship with one girl named Devon, but she led him on. His current girlfriend (Megan) I think is his only real relationship due to the fact he met her his first year of college.
And thank you for the upside haha To be honest, I don't know who I would ever take, actually, though.

Basil- Aww that's very sweet of you to say! To be honest, I'm lucky that I've met a number of awesome, caring people on this site. It makes coming to this forum enjoyable and helpful. And I don't think you're talking out of your ass; I could probably give him my honest feedback (in a polite way though) should he ever ask me "What do you think of Megan- you never really told me?" I mean, my Dad and my mother and I made a few jokes about their relationship in the past, and he actually got very defensive about it. On one instance, she was referred to as "Princess" in a joke, and my brother (who mind you normally jokes about EVERYTHING all the time) asked if we referred to her as that because we have something against her. So, your approach of not giving advice unless asked could probably work, but I don't know if it's too late for him to consider outside opinions.

Valixy- That's a good point too. The thing is, too, she might have gotten worse. You see, she's currently out in South Dakota in a vet field study. So, there's the possibility that time apart could have changed her too. On top of that, I see it as a case of where living together is a whole lot different than just seeing each other a few times a month or something.

More or less, I guess part of what this fear stems from is seeing what my uncle went through. He married a woman who exhibited she was crazy from the start...and then didn't listen when my mother and my grandparents expressed their dislike. In the end, she got worse with the marriage and the birth of my cousins until he finally got tired of the emotional toll it took on him. He divorced her last May. But on the bright side- if it does happen like that, my uncle did find someone better suited to him so maybe he will too?
Thank you for your responses!

[fearoflove]

This just shows that guys love bitches. I am way too nice.

[pcmaster]

If you have great looks then you can get away with pretty much anything. Anyway this guy is inexpierienced(lucky one) and that makes him blind, letting him ignore red flags. Take a greenish guy add some desperation for having girlfriend and some complexes(like low selfesteem and puppy heart) = you have a vegetable for life.

[HeartIsAching]

Rowen,

You're not horrible for wanting the best for your brother. How close are you to him? Like bnt, I've been there too, but with my sister. I'll forever regret not talking to her about it.

If it were my brother, I'd talk to him. I'd say "are you sure you want to do this? I think she treats you like crap."

[Rowen]

Yeah, to be honest, she was always the type that was kind of spoiled. Her mother doesn't really seemed to pleased either with the idea of having my brother as a son-in-law.

And HIA- That makes sense. I think I will bring it up once it comes up in conversation (like he mentions that he's going to propose). We're kind of close but not like overly so, if that makes sense. We get along really well when it's just us hanging out and talking, but other than that, we don't really go out of our ways to spend massive amounts of time together. So, maybe if I mentioned it lightly he could sort of think about it? In the end, I guess it's ultimately his choice whether I say something or not, though.

[HeartIsAching]

I wouldn't mention it lightly. I would be dead serious in my approach to this. Tell him that you're going to say some things that might make him mad, but you love him and think it's important that he hear it.

I'll tell you the truth man... if I'd said something to my sister, I might not have to live with the fact that there's a good chance she won't live to see her 42d birthday next month. She kept pickin' abusers over and over, and she finally lost it when her 2nd husband broke her face. Totally over the edge, and drank her already-damaged liver into shutdown. I have to live with not having said anything when I wondered about him... it might not have made a difference but I would've at least said something.

Talk to him, man. It's could be that important.

[Rowen]

Wow... I'm very sorry to hear about your sister, HIA. :S That's terrible, and I hope she makes it...

Okay, I think I'm going to definitely say something when it comes up then. I just hope he wouldn't assume it's just an insult or something. The entire reason why we never joke about it anymore and he barely has her over is because he told my mother he thinks of it as what my grandparents do to my mother (They used to talk highly of her until my Dad proposed, and ever since she's seen as the toxic she-devil my father's side talks about behind her back). He never really understood we just don't want him to get hurt.

But really, who could blame us? She wanted to microwave a bar of soap in the same kitchen we eat out of just to see if it fizzes...and has made bacon in an open pan hundreds of times despite my mother's request for her to cook it in the microwave (And Megan made no attempt to EVER clean up any mess from any food that she prepared- there was always a thick layer of grease on our range top which was enough to start a house-fire). She almost killed one of my rabbits back when they were still alive by putting grass in the pen despite my requests not to feed them (You're not supposed to feed them grass if they'd not on a grass diet already or else they'll get the shits and die). She's already had my brother disconnect the DVD player in our living room to put in his bedroom so they could watch a movie in bed as they screw (The sad part is we can hear it through the walls) right in the middle of us watching a movie in the living room. I could go on and on, but yeah... I really hope he doesn't do this.

[HeartIsAching]

That's really inconsiderate... Sounds like a total bitch.

[Rowen]

She is. :S I'll let you all know how it goes, I guess. Thank you, all, for your help.

[pcmaster]

Sounds like your brother really lets her do everything. I think when you talk to him you should go on not about how bad she is but how good he is. Kinda lift his confidence a bit so maybe he would have a balls to stand up to her.
Althought looks like balls are not his property anymore. The things you listed are not that big turnoffs for someone you love but I can tell you dont like her so these are big things for you. If you go on complaining about her to your brother she could act like a victim for your brother saying"Im here alone and everyone is against me, I hate your family etc."

So point is you have to be carefull how you put it when you speak about her. Also you might want to know her better as a personality so you can understand her and her position better. Also explain yourslef and your family to her. Maybe shes not so bad girl but just stupid.

[Rowen]

I can see what you're saying, PC. And it is important to understand her. So far, though, from everything I've observed over the past four years (She's been over A LOT except for these past six months.), it just doesn't feel like it fits. It's truly hard to talk to her because she seems entirely fake. I understand that when you're in an awkward social situation, you'll be nice in hopes of just floating through the entire scenario, but this is different... It's very odd- like she's really not that interested in being a part of the family at all. She's a little controlling from what I've seen too. He talks on the phone with her for at least an hour every night, but if he asks her "Can I call you back in 15 minutes?" because he's eating dinner or discussing the financials of his farm, she gets very upset. She also has, in the past, thrown hissy fits because she wanted to spend time with him on a day she already had known he had work and insisted on waiting for him at our house. It's not nice to say, I know, but she doesn't seem like she's well suited for him.

I think your idea of building him up could potentially work, though, given the fact that he hasn't looked around much for a woman. Their relationship might be based on the physical due to how many times I seem to hear them going at it. Either way, I just hope he does what's right for him.