What should I do?

[Worrier92]

We have been engaged four months. Together two years.

He was being weird about telling his family and finally did two months later. I know why now his mother was trying to tell him that he shouldn't move in with me until a year from now. He's 27 years old. He is old enough to make his own decisions. His mother doesn't seem to like me. He doesn't really like his mother but he likes his father.

He lives with his great aunt since he was 14 from what I get from it they primarily raised him his mother worked and doesn't seem very motherly.The aunt is very nice elderly his second cousin lives there as well she is in her 50s

I got a foreclose and he's been fixing it up with me he's very handy. Now that it is ready to move in he seems like he has cold feet. I think his parents have been feeding things to him that he won't have enough money ect. ect. He got an extremely better job after I started applying him to better places. He got a new truck which now comes with a payment. And we only have utilities to pay for.

We discussed that I shouldn't work and when we have kids soon to be a stay at home mom and just sell my art projects on the side.

Do you have any suggestions as to what should be my course of action should I just give him time and hope it works out? Or do you have words of encouragement I should give him?

I over think and worry a lot. Is the cold feet nothing to worry about? do you think his parents are plotting against me in a way is that the problem?

[Kromat83]

We have been engaged four months. Together two years.

mother tells him to not move in with me until a year from now. he likes his father.

fixing foreclosed house with his help.

cold feet to move in.

he won't have enough money ect. ect.

extremely better job now, new truck with a payment. utilities to pay for.

I shouldn't work with kids on the way.

sell my art projects on the side.

I think his parents just want him to be ready, for what life has in store for him.

He must be new at all of this, so just give him time to grasp it and his parents
have dealt with most of their life, so they just want the best for their child,
so don't get too worked up about it.

Just tell him, that we'll see what your parents have to say,
but it'll be a our decision on how to apply it.

Even if you make mistakes along the way, it'll be a good learning
experience and it'll become easier with time.

[michelle23]

Are you sure your on the sae page with future plans? Being set on being a stay at home mother would be a little daunting and scary for a lot of men. Its a lot of stress and responsibility these days and it should only be done if he can work a reasonable 40 hour week for good money. Its important that hes with you and the kids too. Balance is required. If you expect him to work 60+ hours to support you-that is unfair to him. All im saying is make sure he is happy with this situation.

Hes a grown man and will make his own decisions regardless of what other people tell him to do. If hes not ready to live with you-you need to respect that and dont put pressure on him. Its an equal decision and if you rush something your not financially or emotionally ready for-it will end in tears.

[girlnextdoornco]

It sounds like you two have worked together well in thinking through your finances. My concern is that the questions you are asking here on this forum...are really questions you should be asking your fiance. One of the key elements to a strong marriage is communication. Please take this to heart and talk to your guy about your concerns. You two need to be able to talk to each other about these kinds of things now...so that you can also talk about difficult things when you are married. Hope this helps. Blessings!

[vashti]

Are you sure your on the sae page with future plans? Being set on being a stay at home mother would be a little daunting and scary for a lot of men. Its a lot of stress and responsibility these days and it should only be done if he can work a reasonable 40 hour week for good money.

This is why males are so under-productive and suffer from prolonged immaturity these days. ^^

Worrier - why does his mother disapprove of you?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This is why males are so under-productive and suffer from prolonged immaturity these days. ^^

Vashti, can you explain this? I don't see the correlation with what you quoted.

[vashti]

Young males are being supported in catering to their fears, rather than being encouraged to step up and act like men. This is a generational issue, and I am not the only one who has noticed it. There is a lot of commentary about it - here is just one.

http://www.americanthinker.com/2011/03/the_crisis_of_modern_male_imma.html

For the record, I think it's nice if momma stays home to raise kids, at least until they are school-aged. Traditional men who take care of their families are grossly under-valued, as are moms who raise their own kids.

[Wakeup]

Interesting Article.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I read the article. There's a few grains of truth, but for the most part..it's garbage. I do agree her fiance is a pussy though.

Summary of that laughable article, and my response:

Marriage - "Fewer people are getting married, and they are waiting longer to get married...We must recognize that with so many women willing to engage in sex without marriage, males have a limited incentive to "man up" -- to be motivated and have a reason to accept the admittedly demanding responsibilities of adulthood."

Women are now allowed to enjoy sex without being ostracized. Most divorces are initiated by women, who typically get a more favorable settlement, and divorce is much more frequent. Men(and women) should be cautious about getting married. Men have always wanted to have their cake and eat it too, and I bet marriage rates would increase 10 fold if women were still thrown out on the street with nothing after a divorce. People see how miserable their married or divorcing parents are, and it puts them off to the idea. Women are also taking their education seriously, so it might take them longer to get to a point where they want to get married. Back in the day, people got married because society said they had to. People are more selfish today, and are more inclined to do what they want, men and women.


Education - "More and more men are lagging behind women in educational attainment and thus lack the credentials to compete in the marketplace. Take college graduation: 34 percent of women (ages 25 to 34) have earned degrees compared to 27 percent of men.Clearly, in our eagerness to level the playing field for women we have seriously destabilized the balance between the sexes to the detriment of males."

Yes, seriously destabilized the balance of male dominance and female subordination. I fail to see how more women going to college is to the detriment of males. If a guy doesn't want to go to college, it isn't women's fault because they did choose to attend. The statistics presented don't take everything into account either. I wonder how many female receptionists, waitresses, and rental car agents at Enterprise there are with college degrees(I know several). I know two females with MBAs in my immediate circle, and one is a receptionist making 46K(she has 2 MBAs), the other is unemployed. I however have no degree and make well into the 6 figures. You may want to call me an anomaly, and I am, but in the booming, male dominated IT industry there are more and more stories like mine everyday. I hired two guys at my last job, neither with a degree, at a salary of 60-65K over a female candidate with a Masters in Info Systems, because they were each able to complete and explain the assignment I gave them. She wasn't. I did hire a female as well, who has a degree, but she was hired at ~53K. She completed the assignment, but with errors. On paper, she was more qualified than the two men making more than her. In reality, she is not and she makes less money. 65K isn't much, but it's more than the aforementioned female with an MBA making 46K.


Unclear Social Identity - "Males used to become "men" when they "took a wife" and assumed adult responsibilities. Now, instead of serious, dignified, and decisive male role models in the movies -- like Cary Grant, Clark Gable, Spencer Tracy, and Gary Cooper -- males today are more likely, as Kay Hymowitz observes, to identify with and to emulate overgrown boy actors like Steve Carell, Luke and Owen Wilson, Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell and Seth Rogen."

This is just lunacy. First, none of the actors mentioned, are deadbeats, as she goes on to claim in the article. I will agree that modern society does allow for people to be immature more easily, but to say it's because of actors is just insulting to men. These are actors in comedy films. Films that grossly exaggerate characters shortcomings for comedic effect. Who the **** wants to be a 40 year old virgin?! I do agree that a lot of times the message is that it's okay to be a loser, and magically you'll get lucky and score a hot chick, but to say that it's the basis for the denigration of the American male is preposterous. As preposterous as the notion that video games and movies are responsible for violence. This article makes no mention of PARENTING, which has a far greater affect than any of the nonsense the author mentions, on every one of these points.


Maybe we should start by repealing the 19th amendment and reinstating the Rule of Thumb.

[overanxious]

We have been engaged four months. Together two years.

He was being weird about telling his family and finally did two months later. I know why now his mother was trying to tell him that he shouldn't move in with me until a year from now. He's 27 years old. He is old enough to make his own decisions. His mother doesn't seem to like me. He doesn't really like his mother but he likes his father.

He lives with his great aunt since he was 14 from what I get from it they primarily raised him his mother worked and doesn't seem very motherly.The aunt is very nice elderly his second cousin lives there as well she is in her 50s

I got a foreclose and he's been fixing it up with me he's very handy. Now that it is ready to move in he seems like he has cold feet. I think his parents have been feeding things to him that he won't have enough money ect. ect. He got an extremely better job after I started applying him to better places. He got a new truck which now comes with a payment. And we only have utilities to pay for.

We discussed that I shouldn't work and when we have kids soon to be a stay at home mom and just sell my art projects on the side.

Do you have any suggestions as to what should be my course of action should I just give him time and hope it works out? Or do you have words of encouragement I should give him?

I over think and worry a lot. Is the cold feet nothing to worry about? do you think his parents are plotting against me in a way is that the problem?

his parents may be genuinely concerned....that he may not be able to do it all on his own.... and maybe that you dont want to work to contribute......but that may not be the case....

with my ex...this was always an issue....she has always desired to be a stay at home mother....thats what shes looking for....while ive seen so many other couples that i know where both parties work together....some where even the women are the bread winners.....my cousin and his wife have two kids...they both work and struggle but in the end are happy......i was always pushing for both of us to work together and manage finances at least until we got married(as we talked about it)....but my ex wanted no part in trying to build a future....she just wants it made for her.....as most of the men in her family have taken care of almost everything(even though they went through very rough times)...i was always trying to avoid that.....i had a place for us to live in my hometown and live rent free...i thought it would be great for us to both work and save while i started finishing school...even told her id be open to moving soon and finishing school in her homestate....and we could rent out my apartment....i pumped over 10k into renovating it too.....and about as soon as it was near done she got "cold feet" about it and wanted to move back home....

her parents and her thought it would be a great idea if i started my own business of buying apartments or flipping houses because i had excellent credit....but i had just left my good job to move to her hometown and it wasnt that easy as i had left a place i had worked at for 5 years....had it been done at the time where i still worked there i couldif have done it .....and its a daunting/scary investment if it doesnt work out.....and i didnt have employment at the time of at least a year at the same place

i think you might need to assure him and his family that you are willing to be there for him and you two as a couple if things get tough....that might ease some concerns....what if you have a family and he gets hurt or sick???? then what happens?....

[overanxious]

i dont think tradional men who take care of their families are undervalued....they are probably what most women want....who wouldnt want to have everything taken care of for them.....and there are men who can do it....if thats what you want

but these arent traditional times....mortgages, insurance, car payments, upkeep on cars/house, taxes, groceries, entertainment, furniture, .....theres more and its alot and daunting.....

[vashti]

but these arent traditional times....mortgages, insurance, car payments, upkeep on cars/house, taxes, groceries, entertainment, furniture, .....theres more and its alot and daunting.....

Are you serious? These were normal expenses when I was growing up, and as far as I know, they HAVE been since the 1940s.

[michelle23]

This is why males are so under-productive and suffer from prolonged immaturity these days. ^^

So do you think its okay to expect a man to work 60-80 hours a week and when he is at home be too tired to spend time with his wife/kids? Id prefer to have a balance. Id rather work than have a husband that is never home.

Times have changed vashti and it is a good thing. Men have a lot more respect for women these days and they view their wife as their life partner and their equal as opposed to "the wife" who was more often than not walked all over and treated like a doormat in the past. Men got away with A LOT. Women have independence now and if she is not being treated right-she can just walk out the door as she has her own money.

Yes it is honourable if a man wants to step up and support his wife and family. And I dont think there is anything wrong with a woman wanting to stay home but you need to be sure that he wont take advantage of her complete dependence on him. Some women are trapped in an unhappy marriage and have no way out.

My father earns a lot more than my mother and pays most the mortgage/bills etc but he is still home every night by 6 and all weekend. I think that is the way it should be. Its pointless having a husband if hes at work so much that you feel like a single mother.

And some men who do have stay at home wives expect her to do everything. He wont lift a finger when he is at home. Some of these men even expect her to take off his bloody shoes. Shes not a wife-she just replaced his mommy and I don't think that is healthy.

Have you ever watched the program "wife swap"? I have seen stay at home mothers on that who swap lives with a working woman and they cry going back home. They say things like "you feel important at work, people say thank you, your appreciated for everything that you do". A lot of these women go back home and tell their husband that they are getting a job.

[vashti]

Times have changed vashti and it is a good thing.

I disagree that it has been all for the good. Children do better when they have a parent who cares for them, and while there were/are certainly men that exploit their wives, that says more about the choice in men that those women made.

[Wakeup]

And some men who do have stay at home wives expect her to do everything.

When I was a "stay at home mother/wife" I DID do everything because that.was.my.job. Hubby still mowed the lawn and did any repairs etc. but if you've chose a career that entails you keeping a nice house and to raise a respectible future citizen of this world then that's your job.. to do "everything" housekeeping wise.

After the daughter was in school full time I went back to work and then we did the chores list and it's been the same way every since. Now I'm retired and hubby is not so it's back to what we arranged when I was home to care for our daughter.

Anything can be worked out so its mutually acceptable to both people but you have to do the planning.

I'll add that today (at least in this country) women have rights (as opposed to in the olden days) and wouldn't have walk away from a broken marriage with nothing like they did then, unless they both had nothing so being dependent on their husband is due only to her own psychological makeup.