Lack of physical attraction?

[bearz]

Here's a short summary of my current situation:

I've met this girl online about four months ago. We have been talking to each other every day since then, texts, online chats, and phone calls. I have visited her twice now (takes about an hour to fly there), with the most recent trip being this past weekend. We like each other a lot, there's no doubt about that. We have a very strong emotional connection and there is definitely a desire for a more intimate relationship. But I'm hesitant and she definitely sensed that early on and asked me about it.

So here's the problem... I am not sure whether I am physically attracted to her and that I am confused. Her body is not the type that I generally find attractive, however I am not necessarily turned off either. But somehow the extra pounds still bother me... not so much right now, but I have a feeling that it might change in the future. We did have a very in-depth conversation about it and she actually asked me flat out what I don't like about her body and I told her that her butt and legs are a bit too much for me. I felt horrible for even saying that but I know how she feels and that she really wanted to know the truth since it's been bugging her for quite some time now... it being me not being totally physically attracted to her. She's in her mid 20s and if she doesn't make some changes in her lifestyle her body isn't necessarily going to look better in a few years. She has been going to the gym lately and is trying to eat a bit healthier, but I'm not sure how long that is going to last.

I need help with figuring out where I should go from here because I'm clearly confused about the whole situation and I don't want to send her mixed signals, or even worse... hurt her feelings. I know there are plenty of other people out there, but she definitely has a lot, if not all all of the really important qualities I am looking for in a woman so I am not willing to walk away from everything yet. I'm pretty unique and finding someone that matches me like she does won't be easy.

Just to clarify, I'm looking for help with trying to figure out my own feelings, needs, and wants. Maybe I am physically attracted to her but just have this mental block or something? Maybe I'm just overthinking everything. I would definitely appreciate some advice. Thanks guys.

[surfhb2]

Seriously man! Don't torture the poor girl....Jeesh! Why did you get involved with a girl you're not physically attracted to?!

Honestly I think you're kind of a diick for tell her that

I wish people would stop with these long distance , on line relationships. Start a relationship once you meet

[Katrina26]

Did she say she was going to try to change and start to work out? If yes work along with her but be sure that that's the barrier you have that can't make you see if you really like her physically. If she didn't say anything it will be one of the two: let her go or you stay with her but for sure because it won't be cool that you stay with her and then dump her cause she doesn't look like you would like her to look.

[pcmaster]

Just be true with her. Say what you think of her etc. Last girl I complimeneted I said shes almost beautiful, because she was ugly but I like simple looking girls. She said "thanks for almost a comliment" lol.

[Zolito]

I am exactly in the same situation, I am in the begining of a relationship with a nice girl, we are mentally attracted to each other, but I am absolutely not physically attracted to her, I feel that if I marry her I will make love with her only as a duty to satisfy her, but I am really not attracted, she is too skinny which I do not like or even disgusting me, but at the same time asking my self, I may meet another girl and physically attracted to her but cannot develop feelings, mentally not attracted to her or there is difference in the way of thinking or differenct cultures.
I read some articles about physical attraction and its importance, it can be missing at the begining of the relationship and then develop.
Another thing is how many couples married and dated each other and the pysical attraction was strongly present and the relation ended up with breakup or divorce, I cannot figure it out.

[surfhb2]

I am exactly in the same situation, I am in the begining of a relationship with a nice girl, we are mentally attracted to each other, but I am absolutely not physically attracted to her, I feel that if I marry her I will make love with her only as a duty to satisfy her, but I am really not attracted, she is too skinny which I do not like or even disgusting me, but at the same time asking my self, I may meet another girl and physically attracted to her but cannot develop feelings, mentally not attracted to her or there is difference in the way of thinking or differenct cultures.
I read some articles about physical attraction and its importance, it can be missing at the begining of the relationship and then develop.
Another thing is how many couples married and dated each other and the pysical attraction was strongly present and the relation ended up with breakup or divorce, I cannot figure it out.

How's does one become mentality attracted without physical first? Is this an on line thing?

[Zolito]

How's does one become mentality attracted without physical first? Is this an on line thing?

Sure you can be mentally attracted - in my opinion to a girl without physical attraction, physical attraction is not a prerequest for the mental attraction, when you are mentally attracted to girl you like her words, you can talk with her for hours and hours without getting bored, you like to take her opinion, advice her, you like to discuss with her everything, you always like to listen to her, have fun with her.

Physical attraction is not related to the mental attraction, it is only about sex.

Love may happen without physical attraction, but cannot happen without mental attraction and if that happen it will be only temporary and once you used to make love with her, you will get bored and that is it.

[surfhb2]

Yeah......don't get it. Most people need both so you're not dealing with the BS You're dealing with now.

That's like meeting a hot looking girl who's an emotional mess and hoping she will change later.....not gonna happen

[michelle23]

To the above-i agree that mental attraction is v important but so is physical attraction. It may not matter to some in the early stages if you get on really well etc but as time goes on and you are never in the mood for sex it will just hurt both of you until eventually you cant take it anymore and you breakup or somebody cheats.

Sex and physical attraction are important and you cannot sleep with someone who you think is unattractive. Maybe in the beginning you can but you will get turned off after awhile and the relationship will fizzle into nothing more than friendship. Then one of your needs are not being met-your missing out and the rejection hurts. You become depressed. It could lead to porn addiction as you try to meet the need elsewhere and even sex addiction or cheating.

Its not good to have a sexless relationship which is axactly whst it will become if your not physically attracted.

[Zolito]

To the above-i agree that mental attraction is v important but so is physical attraction. It may not matter to some in the early stages if you get on really well etc but as time goes on and you are never in the mood for sex it will just hurt both of you until eventually you cant take it anymore and you breakup or somebody cheats.

Sex and physical attraction are important and you cannot sleep with someone who you think is unattractive. Maybe in the beginning you can but you will get turned off after awhile and the relationship will fizzle into nothing more than friendship. Then one of your needs are not being met-your missing out and the rejection hurts. You become depressed. It could lead to porn addiction as you try to meet the need elsewhere and even sex addiction or cheating.

Its not good to have a sexless relationship which is axactly whst it will become if your not physically attracted.

I am totally agree with what you are saying, it happened to me before with my ex fiancé, I was not attracted to her physically at the beginning and after about 8 months of our engagement I started to feel attracted to her body but she was much more prettier than the girl i am with now, for the girl I am dating now i hope to get the physical attraction after a while, may be it will not come, i do not know, but i just will give it a try and time.

[michelle23]

I dont think its something that will happen in time. Sure you can learn to appreciate some of her beauty likeca sweet smile, adorable eyes etc etc but you cant force that raw sexual attraction where you cant keep your hands off each other.

Im with my bf almost 5years and were stil VERY touchy feely to the point where friends tell us occasionally to get a room lol. Were v affectionate and it just comes naturally and our single friends get jealous ha!

I think its important to look at each other with pride and say "thats my man/woman" with a big smile. Just thinking bout him turns me on. I think thats the way it should be. But obviously sex and attraction alone are not enough to keep two people together long term. Other things are v important too.

[Zolito]

I dont think its something that will happen in time. Sure you can learn to appreciate some of her beauty likeca sweet smile, adorable eyes etc etc but you cant force that raw sexual attraction where you cant keep your hands off each other.

Im with my bf almost 5years and were stil VERY touchy feely to the point where friends tell us occasionally to get a room lol. Were v affectionate and it just comes naturally and our single friends get jealous ha!

I think its important to look at each other with pride and say "thats my man/woman" with a big smile. Just thinking bout him turns me on. I think thats the way it should be. But obviously sex and attraction alone are not enough to keep two people together long term. Other things are v important too.

Another point, I THINK that physical attraction can be developed by time, may be not in some cases, and also it depends more on the girl in her way to attract him to her physically, meanwhile if the mental attraction was not there after little time, it is impossible to be developed, I dated an ex girlfriend for about 9 years, just thinking about her, seeing her or even talking to her in the phone turns me on, but never felt mental attraction to her, she was somewhat boring and silly, I was ONLY physically attracted to her, the only girl I dated and had both mental and physical attraction was my ex fiancé who I am currently struggling to get over her after our breakup

A nother thing that if you marry and once you both grow older and older the importance of the physcial attraction is less important and the importance of the mental attraction - which remains forever is more important.

But yes in any case physical attraction is too important and major element in a successful relationship.

[michelle23]

Ya i no its important but i still think you need what you had with your ex with a future potential long-term gf. Otherwise your settling for second best.

There are billions of people in the world-you could be compatable with thousands so you shouldnt settle. Shes gotta tick all the boxes especially if you wana marry her and have her for keeps

[bearz]

Seriously man! Don't torture the poor girl....Jeesh! Why did you get involved with a girl you're not physically attracted to?!

Honestly I think you're kind of a diick for tell her that

I wish people would stop with these long distance , on line relationships. Start a relationship once you meet

We are not in a relationship, we are just interested in each other. And like I said, I am not sure how I really see her and how much of a physical attraction there is. There are things that I like, and there are some that I don't. She's not someone who you look at and go "wow, she's hot, I wanna bang her". But you also don't go "eww, wtf". She's average looking, like me I guess, with just a few extra pounds in certain places that are kind of bugging me since I've never even looked twice at a girl with a body like that. But it's different with her... and that's where I am confused.

We've been talking about it for quite some time now, she keeps asking me questions and I keep giving her honest answers. If there is someone who is torturing her, it is herself and not me. She could have said "ok, you're not attracted to me, you're friend-zoned and I move on". But that's not the case here since she isn't letting it go.

[michelle23]

Bearz your gonna hurt her if you keep answering those qs so honestly. I know you dont wana lie but its horrible to hear those things from someone you like .

If someone i like said that to me-im sure it would hurt. If he said your too slim, you have a scar on your shoulder, your legs aint long enough, your skins too pale. It would hurt

i mean your basically telling her what she already nos, what shes already insecure about and it already bothers her. Most people dont eant their flaws pointed out.

Your always gonna have to reassure her now and shell never feel attractive around you coz you were too honest with her