Please help! Is it impossible to ever get a relationship with my views and character?

[John Steed]

Hello everyone,
I am new here, and would immensely appreciate your advice, if you could please read my concerns.
The problem, wherewith I would like to acquaint you, is that females always despise and avoid me like fire (and find me "creepy", as some may say), thus I had never had any success and was never in a relationship, albeit I am 25 years of age.

1) You shall first be inclined to assume that this is so in virtue of my appearance or conduct, but this is not the case (at least as regards the former). I have been told, from some very objective and neutral friends and other people, who would never flatter me, that physically I look quite attractive. I was told I look very similar to young Ray Davies from the Kinks. I have a similar hairstyle as in this picture, too. I am not obese, I have very proper, almost military, posture, and extremely neat, cleanly shaved and generally clean all the time. My attire is always semi-formal, if not formal: costumes, ties, always ironed shirts and trousers, bow ties, neck scarfs, etc. Moreover, my style is slightly vintage: articles of clothing from the or imitating the 1960's is my main preference. Occasionally I wear something a bit more Victorian with detachable collars, proper neck wear, long jackets, etc. I am the very opposite of the individuals the everyday attires whereof are sweatpants, pajamas, t-shirt, ripped jeans and uncurbed facial hair. Additionally, my speech is very articulate and literate. I speak with a proper British RP accent.

2) My conduct and demeanor is of highly polite, appropriate and tactful nature. On no occasion I utter or imply anything offensive, rude or improper. I always listen to people well, never interrupt, speak in a good tone, and when I occur to disagree with something, I put my objections in most polite terms. I always help people, am not selfish, most honest and try to understand them.

3) I am very well educated, have deep knowledge concerning matters of philosophy (specifically metaphysics and political philosophy), art and art history, classical music, literature (mostly Victorian and the 18th century), and of course politics. I myself play piano, have good music skills, and also paint and draw very well.

Notwithstanding all this, the representatives of the fair sex evade me, and never find me interesting, especially after conversing.
My key suspicion as regards the cause thereof lies in my political views. I must say that I am conservative (not religious, although!) I am conservative in the sense of early 19th century liberalism (free market, elitism, anti-socialism, pro-civilisationism, positivism, enlightenment, freedom of speech, I am for progress and believe it is the duty of the progressive countries like many in West to spread civilisation and liberate people in other regions of the world, I believe the majority of the people are immature and need to be enlightened by the educated minority, etc.). These are my views, and I openly express them, am not ashamed of them. One may agree or disagree with them, but the problem is that they seem to affect my potential relationships a lot. If any female I meet, even if she appears to like me or at least be neutral at first, whenever she finds our of my political views, she begins to literally hate and despise me. This has been almost 100% with my various experiences.


Is it true therefore, that in order to have a relationship one must be a liberal "hipster", a socialist, a pro-union, Marxist, pro "Noble Savage" person, or least conceal their views? This is not what I desire, forasmuch as I desire to be open and not to pretend to adhere to something I do not agree with. The paradox is such: in my country (Canada) the Conservative government is in power, hence many people voted for them. However: a) it was mainly older people b) it was mainly men c) it was mainly people other than in downtown Toronto and university campi (the places where I live and socialise). I have many male friends, who are either a) share my views b) disagree with me and hold opposite views, but it still does not hinder us to be friends: we understand our disagreements, but we are good friends.

Thus the two problems with young females of my age: 1) they are all politically homogenous, left wing liberals, 2) They are "fanatical" thereabout, to wit, unlike my male friends, they believe two persons with different views cannot be friends or in a relationship, meaning they will hate you personally for having voted Tory.

My second concern, you shall allow me to proceed for a little more, is that even when I tried to conceal m political views, females still do not find me interesting. Making observations, I have found a most peculiar and disappointing trend: I have seen that most of intelligent looking females tend to like and be in relationships with some rude, uneducated and impudent and misbehaving males, who swear every fifth word, have nothing to talk but about food and gym, often argue and are rude to their girlfriends and wear stretched t shirts. So, 90% of the time females simply avoid me, but there were three cases when I managed to invite a girl to visit an art museum. The first one, went with me twice (the second time to a different museum), the second once, and the third three time. Each of them, although being more or less interested in me, often smiling and talking enthusiastically (remember, I never revealed my political views to them!) , during the last meeting suddenly became cold and indifferent to me, making some polite excuse not to go anywhere else with me (like "maybe, I'll have to see my schedule), and then avoided communication with me. Upon my polite request to please explain what happened, if there was anything improper or wrong I said or behaved, so that I could at least apologise, they all said "oh, nothing happened, it was all just fine". I promised that I would very much appreciate that little piece of information for my own use at least, but they just avoided responding. I clearly remember that none of the time my conduct or conversations ever changed, I was 100% consistent throughout.
1) Why do you think they so suddenly changed their minds?
2) Why would they not simply explain why? I am sure they perfectly know how polite and understanding I am, and that I will not revenge or become infuriated and offend them in any way if they tell me why. Why would they be so afraid?

My personal suspicion is that perhaps, given the feminist sentiment in the air, they all are afraid and think that I am (or presumably all men are?) some sort of a sex maniac, who wants to attack, oppress and exploit them. (This is what I have heard the interpretation of the word "creepy" is, whereby I have overheard myself being denominated: a person who is dangerous and wishes to suddenly rape someone). Hence, whenever conversing with a female, to evade such a suspicion on her part, I never ever say and said anything which might be misinterpreted as having any sexual aspect to it, or that would treat us as being of different sex, that would imply that she is a female, or that there could ever be anything possible between us. I am 100% never of this kind ever came up, but still they avoid me or (as in the three heretoforementioned cases) leave me after a couple of first meeting to museums, assumably thinking I intended to attack them. The topics I chose for discussions were very neutral, such art, music, philosophy, I spoke a lot about Bauhaus, for instance, or about metaphysics, I was explaining Kant's CRP, so there could be no suspicion at all that I might be saying anything which could be misinterpreted as being sexually related, or that would ever show that I treated them as being of different sex (i. e. females). Yet, why would they still find me "creepy"?

I will be most grateful to you for your responses, given especially such a voluminous piece of text I am asking you to read!

Additionally: Despite anything, 90% of the females I encounter already have someone (boyfriends). Would you say that perhaps it is already too late for me at my age to ever find someone, and I should simply surrender and focus on other things as my career and hobbies? Have I somehow missed the time at an earlier age when everybody was acquiring relationships, and there is simply nothing left for me?

[John Steed]

Any suggestions?

[Immaisback]

Yea, get to the ****ing point bro. Only bored mother****ers are going to read all that.

[michelle23]

Ill read it tomorrow. Im going to sleep now and its v long

[pcmaster]

Man just imagine that a girl would try to impress you or atract you in the same way - you wold be bored at least. Find some Sasha Daygame videos on youtube and maybe you will understand what you are doing wrong or not so good.

[meloveulongtime]

I stopped reading after the third paragraph...

[Red Apollo]

If you talk how you typed this up, I can see why you struggle with women. There is nothing wrong with being intelligent. However, when you overdo it you can come across as a bit pompous, or just plain boring.

Women are more likely to fall for someone they can have fun with, be silly with, and just really let loose and be themselves with. If you are hunting for a girl that wants to talk politics, metaphysics, just hang out at the museum and use words no one outside of 19th century author would use, then you are going to be hunting a very niche kind of woman. Especially when you are only 25.

I mean, this is all speculation on my part. But as a guy, I have a feeling you just come across as boring as hell to these girls. Then when they lose interest, you press them on why, and then they just start to think you're weird.

[dem862]

Well there seems to be a glut of young males looking for female companionship (judging by the posts on this forum). I don't think it has anything to do with your political views. I think a lot of young women just seem to be trading the same males with each other. I spoke with one experienced woman at work who seemed to think that it takes very little for a woman to suddenly conclude there is no need to continue dating. It could be something extremely unimportant. Also, at that point, don't expect them to help you. They don't want to offend and will just resort to avoidance, in many cases. Your situation is not that unusual.

[basilandthyme]

Do you speak in the same way that you write? If so, that would drive girls away in droves. The person who wrote "pompous" to describe how women would view you absolutely nailed it.

[John Steed]

Man just imagine that a girl would try to impress you or atract you in the same way - you wold be bored at least.

If you would allow me to disagree with you, I would like to say that I believe this is not the case. The case is that I would, on the contrary, be very much excited and interested. I often act according to the categorical imperative, hence, often project my future deeds and behaviour upon myself and everyone universally. Thus I would greatly rejoice upon meeting someone who would try to attract or impress me in this fashion.

However, when you overdo it you can come across as a bit pompous, or just plain boring.

Upon a similar advice of my friends, I did try to resort to the use of contemporary and street slang and dialect, but it went rather poorly, and made me sound ludicrous and artificial (again, upon observations of people who witnessed me being involved in this activity). Moreover, say, if I try very hard and end up with attaining a relationship of some kind, perpetual pretension and living with someone who will not understand or like me in this way, but only if I continue doing things I dislike, is something I would very much detest. For the very purpose of finding someone is for sharing spiritual and intellectual experiences and modes of living, hence, if I give this up, it will destroy the very purpose of a relationship for me.

Women are more likely to fall for someone they can have fun with, be silly with...

In other words, they are looking for stand up comedians and circus performers? Why would not they buy instead a ticket to a comedy show? Or, say, if I do acquire a relationship, would it be my duty, therefore, to prepare every morning a list of jokes and humorous stories (presumably from the internet), to deliver them to her throughout the day? I may sound sarcastic, but I verily understand not this concept. Are thus people who are not born with the talent of Bob Hope or Buster Keaton doomed as regards relationships? I see not why it should be the duty of the partner to provide humor. Why would not she simply read them off the internet or subscribe to a satirical newspaper? Sure professional comedians and writers would entertain her better in this field than an average person would. What you are saying is analogical to saying that the boyfriend is supposed to be a shoemaker and make shoes for her. The objection would obviously be that a professional shoemaker would do a better job than I, and she should acquire her shoes not from me but from a cobbler.

Then when they lose interest, you press them on why, and then they just start to think you're weird.

This is beyond my comprehension! Even allowing that what you have said is all correct, still, why would any-one on earth think that simply asking why is weird?

...it takes very little for a woman to suddenly conclude there is no need to continue dating. It could be something extremely unimportant. Also, at that point, don't expect them to help you. They don't want to offend and will just resort to avoidance, in many cases. Your situation is not that unusual.

This I believe is part of the aforementioned concern. Why would this be the case? Why suddenly? Why because of something extremely unimportant? This seems to me, personally, highly unreasonable, unless from me are concealed some intricate reasons I fail to detect. Suspecting them, as you rightly remarked, wanting not to offend, I always lucidly and clearly explain, that their explanation shall not offend me, make me become angry or cause in me misconduct. I make this as clearly as possible, yet they still try to "politely" avoid me, giving no reason.

[basilandthyme]

I'm thinking TROLL.

[TablesandChairs]

Definitely Troll. His proper English has failed him numerous times in his post.

I was thinking he might have Asperger's Syndrome at first but he doesn't seem smart enough.

[michelle23]

Can you explain your "views" in more detail please? I dont get what you mean? Are you saying you want things to go back to the way they were years ago with women in the kitchen? Are you anti-feminists?

If that is not your view ^^ then I dont get why women would hate you because of politics? Nobody cares about politics. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but if you see women as unequal to men-then yes you are going to have a lot of haters.

Also what makes you think that women see you as a creepy rapist? Where did you get that from?

The reason these girls are going out with guys who swear occasionally, dont have the best manners or spoken language etc is because these men are usually down to earth, usually have a lot of respect for women and see us as their equal. They treat us the way we want to be treated and allow us to have our own opinions and own mind.

You would not be my type. Your like a robot who is afraid to ever show any emotion or ever look bad to anyone. Everything is suppressed inside you because you are obsessed with showing others how perfect you are. You cannot have fun with someone who is that tense.

You should lighten up a bit and try to have some fun.

[pcmaster]

If you really are so complicated person than you should find girl just as smart as you. So you can both talk about serious stuff like history and science, politics and literature. You dont have to change but just find someone who likes you for what you are.

[John Steed]

Are you saying you want things to go back to the way they were years ago with women in the kitchen? Are you anti-feminists?

No, why on earth would one ever think that of me? I would not say that I am a feminist myself in the sense of attending rallies, but I do support their cause, when it is moderate. I do believe in women's equality and rights all over the globe. Although, I must confess, that I am sceptical about the more radical feminists, such as those who believe that gender should be abolished at all, and children should be born from test tubes, or even some-one like Greer, I would say, is a bit too radical for me. It is analogous to how I love Martin Luther King, but think that Malcolm X was too radical. In any case, this topic never, as far as I recall, came up in our conversations, hence I think not it was the reason for the two grounds: 1) I am not an anti-feminist, b) we never talked of this subject.

Although, if I may ask just a personal question to you: why did you think I was an anti-feminist, and, in a way accused me thereof? I did not even remark anything in my passage as regards this subject.

I must say, that I have in fact encountered (in the sense of having been aware of the existence of) a great number of females, who are completely indifferent to politics, philosophy, economics, etc., and whose only interests are the things like cooking, crafting, and reading celebrity magasines. And I would say that these are, according to my observations, in the majority. The fact is that, however, I am a priori completely uninterested in communicating with them and trying to produce a relationship with them, forasmuch as I know that it will be pointless and boring, and we would have nothing to discuss. But the problem is, I should clarify thus, that out of those females who are politically active and interested, most are hating socialists and left wingers. I would of course much more enjoy being with a person who disagrees with me, but has an opinion, than with some-one who lacks opinion whatsoever: that is why I am attracted to the politically active girls, albeit who have contrary to mine views, than the completely indifferent representatives. The difficulty being that the former kind treats those with politically different views as personal enemies, and they would therefore never date with one such. This has nothing to do with feminism, but the topics at hand are socialism vs. free market, limited government vs. subsidised programs, public vs. private healthcare., foreign policy, taxation, etc.

Maybe I am rather too feminist, which is the reason for never being able to produce a relationship? That is, that I expect girls to be active, to wit to be interested in politics, philosophy, economy, etc., and this is why I automatically cut off from the spectrum of my possibilities the majority of the girls, which are not interested in conversing upon such subjects. I completely detest, and here feminists would agree with me, the notion that women should be involved in the "womanly" activities, such as cooking, crafting, watching comedies, attending yoga, reading celebrity magasins, etc. It is simply a shame they are wasting their lives like that, instead of being involved in the things which give motion to the world and the society, thus instead of making a contribution into the processes of our world, they are preoccupied in the matter being imposed upon them by the society.
Indeed, the idea that, as some-one in this thread mentioned, women must be entertained by jokes, silliness, and "fun" I find most derogatory and I would even say offensive, for it treats women as little children, incapable of more profound and intellectual conversations and activities.
Would you ever call a person who is an admirer or Margaret Thatcher or Angela Merkel (the latter less so ideologically) an anti-feminist?

is because these men are usually down to earth

But again, is not this anti-feminist? Are you not a priori implying that women deserve not some-one more profound and interesting, and that they are only worth having some-one "down to earth"?

these men are usually down to earth, usually have a lot of respect for women and see us as their equal. They treat us the way we want to be treated and allow us to have our own opinions and own mind.

Again, this I believe is something many feminists would greatly disagree with. In fact, these men are the ones who treat women as children and of lower status, for they expect not from them that, which they would expect from men, they expect from women less, they expect them to be undertaking their artificial social roles of doing the "womanly" things, which I have already described, and not making them be involved in the important things as philosophy, politics, economics, history, business, art, literature, etc.

To summarise my concern: most of the women are not emancipated, which is expressed by their indifference to the important topics (and I am not at all interested in such individuals), and those who do have strong opinions in such matters (the kind I am interested in) are usually vehement left wingers and socialists hating you for merely wearing a suit and favouring free market, limited government, etc.

Also what makes you think that women see you as a creepy rapist? Where did you get that from?

First, I have overheard a couple of times being refereed to in the third person by the terms "weird" and "creepy". (I've checked the contemporary meaning of these terms on the Internet). Second, why else would they avoid me then like that? No male ever avoided me. Lastly, again, I conducted some research, and found that these terms are used by women, because of their constant danger and risk of being attacked and raped by males, i. e., that women will in a way always naturally avoid men, especially if they find them being some-what suspicious, because of such a threat. They say that in a way women naturally hunted by men in our society to be attacked, and their only way to save themselves is to avoid men as much as possible. (I read it some-time ago, but can try to find the links to these articles). This is why I am also trying to explain by hint, and some-times openly, that I am not treating them as women, that I am not at all interested in them as women, and that I have no interest whatsoever to be involved in anything which could be considered as "intimate", so that they will have nothing to be afraid of, and would need not avoid me. Verily, I am interested in a partner only as finding a profound individual to communicate with spiritually and intellectually. Why I am being presumably suspected of having inappropriate/obscene intentions? Is it because most of the men are like that? But it does not mean that I am like that: I always try to make this clear, and there is not reason to be afraid of and thus avoid my person!

Your like a robot who is afraid to ever show any emotion or ever look bad to anyone. Everything is suppressed inside you...

This is not so "because [I am] obsessed with showing others how perfect you are.", but because I do not want to be falsely accused or be suspected of having improper intentions, and thus be called "creepy" and be avoided as the result thereof. I understand that women are continually being threatened by and thus avoid men who are all sex driven maniacs, but I want to show by my behaviour that I am not part of that majority, and that I am absolutely safe and proper, and there is no reason to be afraid of me.

If you really are so complicated person than you should find girl just as smart as you. So you can both talk about serious stuff like history and science, politics and literature. You dont have to change but just find someone who likes you for what you are.

Yes, I believe this is what a few had suggested to me earlier. I cannot help expressing my agreement. : )) Though the problem seems that this is practically difficult or impossible.