Does it matter if I'm not in love?

[Jamie2000]

I never seem to be able to fall in love. My relationships usually break down within a year and I struggle to start new ones. I'm currently dating someone who is very well matched to me in many ways and I like her a lot - but I'm not in love. I have been seeing her for four months and I'm worried that she will say that she loves me soon and I won't know what to say back. This tends to be the point where my relationships always fail... No idea what to do. I don't want to break up with her.

Any advice would be gratefully received

Jamie

[basilandthyme]

Yes, it would matter to her if you can't fall in love. Your partner deserves a man who loves her as much as she loves him.

Any idea what's stopping you from falling in love?

[Jamie2000]

Nope. Other people fall in love easily, I just never seem to. I'm not even sure what it feels like.

[searock]

How old are you? What's the closest feeling of "being in love" you've ever had?

[MrProblem]

Perhaps you have some underlying issues to solve first before committing to a relationship? It might be a good idea to seek some help via a therapist.

Or maybe you just haven't met the right partner yet.

Either way, don't lie if you have to respond to her saying the L word. Just be honest with her, try to make her understand.

Good luck.

[Jamie2000]

Perhaps you have some underlying issues to solve first before committing to a relationship? It might be a good idea to seek some help via a therapist.

Or maybe you just haven't met the right partner yet.

Either way, don't lie if you have to respond to her saying the L word. Just be honest with her, try to make her understand.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. I'm 27. I've had five girlfriends, some more intense than others but never "love". I'm honest though, which is why they end. I don't make promises I won't keep. If my girlfriend says it to me, I'll tell her what's going on. But then it'll end, which is what I don't want. I've had a bit of therapy before but it hasn't really solved the problem - I still can't ever just fall for someone. I think the way love is portrayed in movies/books/songs doesn't help, always makes it seem like a piece of cake, and like if it doesn't happen to you then you're abnormal. But then maybe I am.

Anyway thanks again, I'll see how it goes I guess.

[michelle23]

whats your perception of "love"? maybe you have been in love and just dont no it coz you think its supposed to feel different to how it actually feels.

have you ever been heartbroken after a breakup? depressed, anxious, insecure, angry, lonely?

what do you think its supposed to be like. in films they show infstuation as love and its not really love at all.

[Jamie2000]

whats your perception of "love"? maybe you have been in love and just dont no it coz you think its supposed to feel different to how it actually feels.

have you ever been heartbroken after a breakup? depressed, anxious, insecure, angry, lonely?

what do you think its supposed to be like. in films they show infstuation as love and its not really love at all.

Well this is what I don't understand because the one thing everyone seems to say about love, and on threads I've seen on this site as well, is that "you'll always know" when you're in love. And if that's the case, then I have never been. I have never known, sometimes I wonder, but there is always doubt. A couple years ago I really liked someone and when she dumped me my heart was broken, I felt awful and I still think about her now. But was it love? I don't know. And according to most people, if I don't know, then it's not.

People give me conflicting advice...

[pcmaster]

Its maybe because you never know. As long as you not changing your life for someone or going out of your way to make relationship to happen and sacrificing bad habbits to be more atractive or become better man you wont feel 100% sure about love.

[dem862]

Everybody has a different definition of love. Don't worry about a feeling. Love is what you call it when you think you have found "The One." The One is the person you think you want to "settle down with." Settle down with means you stop dating others, you want to live together and form a couple, you may want to have children with the person. It's pretty simple really. Love is not like an orgasm. It doesn't hit you like a ton of bricks.

It's okay to say it if you are not sure, you don't know, or you don't feel it YET. But it is a huge negative if someone says it and the other doesn't. Basically, it is like saying F*ck You, I am better than you and you are lower than a piece of sh*t.

[pcmaster]

E Love is not like an orgasm. It doesn't hit you like a ton of bricks.

Actually it is. You have to work for it, like push forward with you actions. Also just like orgasm its not always happens at same time to both.

[dem862]

Actually it is. You have to work for it, like push forward with you actions. Also just like orgasm its not always happens at same time to both.

No, it's not. It isn't physical. Love is an emotion. Orgasm is not an emotion.

[pcmaster]

It is phsyical. Can you truly love someone you think is discusting? Orgasm might not be emotion but affects emotions A LOT. There is no way to love someone if you dont find something atractive in their apperance. Love is always more or less part of physical atraction.

[Jamie2000]

Everybody has a different definition of love. Don't worry about a feeling. Love is what you call it when you think you have found "The One." The One is the person you think you want to "settle down with." Settle down with means you stop dating others, you want to live together and form a couple, you may want to have children with the person. It's pretty simple really. Love is not like an orgasm. It doesn't hit you like a ton of bricks.

It's okay to say it if you are not sure, you don't know, or you don't feel it YET. But it is a huge negative if someone says it and the other doesn't. Basically, it is like saying F*ck You, I am better than you and you are lower than a piece of sh*t.

I don't feel ready to settle down with my current girlfriend. So if she tells me she loves me, what should I say? Your advice isn't clear. It's a huge negative to say what? That you don't love her?

Also, there was a previous girlfriend who I did want to settle down with. We even discussed baby names and I told her I loved her, because I thought I did at the time. But within a matter of weeks it turned sour and all I wanted was to get out of it, so eventually I did. I didn't look back and I didn't miss her when she was gone (mostly because she had made life v difficult for me so I was glad to be free again). Was that love?

[michelle23]

Well this is what I don't understand because the one thing everyone seems to say about love, and on threads I've seen on this site as well, is that "you'll always know" when you're in love. And if that's the case, then I have never been. I have never known, sometimes I wonder, but there is always doubt. A couple years ago I really liked someone and when she dumped me my heart was broken, I felt awful and I still think about her now. But was it love? I don't know. And according to most people, if I don't know, then it's not.

People give me conflicting advice...

Do you ever get butterflies, nervous or anxious in the beginning of a new relationship. Having obsessive thoughts about her, cant wait to see her, thinking about her all the time? Feel really happy around her? If yes that is infatuation and it is the first stage of love. Many people say the "L" word during this time. Infatuation can last anything from 6months-2years.

Once the infatuation wears off-you start to take a closer look at each other. You start noticing her flaws and a few little things you dont like about her. Youll learn whether you are really compatible or not. If you have the same morals, values and beliefs as well as long term goals (such as marriage and kids), if you mesh well together intellectually, sexually and emotionally-it means you are good together.

If you come to love the little flaws and they dont drive you insane or cause you to criticize or nag her or put her down then thats love.

Knowing all the good things and all the bad about her but still wanting to be with her and accepting her for who she is = real love.

The thing you need to ask yourself is: can you see a future with this girl? Does she make you happy? Does the thought of losing her upset you? If yes, then tell her you love her.