First Post is a Hard One

[Fireman447]

Hello everyone. I'm here because I need some anonmous opinions. I've never posted anything like this before so I'm very nervous about it. I'm 35, my wife is 34. We're highsschool sweethearts, been married 10 years, and have been together 18 years. We have three beautiful children together, and a wonderful relationship except for one problem that happened a very long time ago. She cheated on me before we were married with someone that was semi famous at the time (1999). She used me to take her to the airport so she could fly to California to meet up with this guy, while using the cover of visiting her gradfather she had never met. She did see her grandfather, but spent a day and a half with the guy. She was 21 years old at the time and we had been together 5 years. I was still living with my parents, not really knowing what to do with life at the time. She slept with him twice while she was there. I'm so saint either. I cheated on her around the same time, but never actually slept with anyone, just oral sex. It was a one time, drunk moment that I deeply regret. She on the other hand talked over the phone with this guy for 6 months, all the while watching hime on tv with me sitting next to her like a fool. Before we got married, wet sat down one night, and confessed all of our wrongs to one another. In the thirteen years since, we're built a strong, loving, Christian home that I don't ever want to lose. The guy she cheated with died a few years ago. A few months ago we were at an event with our kids, and one of the guys that was friends with the guy she cheated with was right there in my face. It brought back a flood of emotions that I haven't been able to control since. It's like it all happened yesterday, and it's taking over my thoughts. I go to sleep thinking about it, and it's the first thing on my mind when I wake up .
It's taken over my life. I love my wife and children more than anything, and I just want my mind to find peace again.

[Wakeup]

Think about your junk in the other girls mouth and hopefully you'll get over your obsesssive thinking. *rolls eyes*

Talk to a therapist to get yourself over yourself if that doesn't work. You certainly don't want to ruin a 'strong, loving, Christian home" and bond that you've created with one another over something that you yourself were JUST AS GUILTY of that happened decades ago.

[Ann S]

I always like to read these posts where both people have cheated, confessed, and one, "just can't get over it!" If you are in a, "strong, loving, Christian home," I think practicing forgiveness is a crucial part of that. Where is yours? Is your ego wounded all over again? Time to get out of yourself, focus on your own wrongs, and cherish the relationship you have today......or, you could ruin it with obsessing on the past. I've seen that happen very often. Your choice. Ann

[Fireman447]

Believe me, if I could get these thoughts out of my head I would. But you're right, I'm obsessing over it. Maybe I'm wrong, but in my mind what she did was worse than what I did. She basiclly had a long distance relarionship witht this guy for 6 months. Am I being a fool thinking that way?

[Wakeup]

Yes you are. it was a long time ago and you need to get over yourself. Your jealousy is misplaced at this point in time and if you keep these thoughts of resentment up, you will eventually drive an emotional wedge between the two of you. Trust me when I say that you will be the one that ends up hurting more than her when she leaves you, ends up with half the family assets and is able to find a new partner before you even get over your funk. Its much easier for women to meet and be pursued then it is for most men so get on with getting that crap out of your head and replace it with feeling blessed that she is with you and loves you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Go bang another girl and even things up.

[Wakeup]

he already did that... just like she did only difference is he thinks a blow job doesn't count as badly against him. pffft

[Fireman447]

Wakeup, I don't have a huge ego so the shots aren't going to cause me to respond. I'm just in a dark place right now, and I don't know how to get out of it. These thoughts are taking over my life. I know this should be over and done since it was so long ago and we have been blessed beyond measure since, I just feel stuck.

[pcmaster]

Tell her whats bothering you. e
Take emotional break. Go to gym lift some weight or go for a fast run. Maybe you can run away from feeling. Anyway I believe that spending a day at beach alone can heal the soul.
You said you have christian home.. Did you talked with God or councelor about it?

[pcmaster]

Anyway 6 months emotional affair is much wors tha few minutes of cock sucking. Its like someone sucked your cock for months(that would make you even). However it doesnt matter you stepped in shit or had a bath in it - you stink anyway. So your cock stinks just as her pussy.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, I don't have a huge ego so the shots aren't going to cause me to respond. I'm just in a dark place right now, and I don't know how to get out of it. These thoughts are taking over my life. I know this should be over and done since it was so long ago and we have been blessed beyond measure since, I just feel stuck.

This is a mind over matter issue. You need to convince yourself that your thoughts are ridiculous (because they are) and that all is well. Your wife loves you, you love her and it is about your huge ego. Tell your ego to shut up and concentrate on the good of what you share with her now.

... and it doesn't matter that you have another male validating your nonsese by saying that having your cock sucked isn't as bad. It is just as bad so is giving face to another girl just as bad as intercourse. If your issue is that she spoke with him for six more months after sharing bodily fluids with him, then the important thing to remember is she doesn't talk to him now and that it's you that she's currently having an emotional affair with.

You have a choice you can work through this on your own by counting your blessings instead of your curses or, if your ego won't stop you from dwelling then you might think about getting yourself some personal councelling to help you to redirect your thoughts to more important matters. Failing that, you can leave now or just wait around until you talk yourself into having zero emotional connection to her and your marriage fails. You after all are in the drivers seat of your own mental response.

You might try putting an elastic band around your wrist and everytime that you start his OCD thinking on the past you snap that elastic hard in order to change your thoughts to something less maritally damaging. It's called aversion therapy and it works if you have an open mind that it will.

[Ann S]

How is there a degree of wrong. What each of you did is simply not acceptable in a committed relationship. You're playing the game with yourself that I like to call, "Who was worse?" This game helps one of the wrong doers exonerate him/herself by creating a belief that the other person was way more out of line. If, however, you are saying that you can't get over this because you don't trust her, then get out of the relationship. If you, indeed, can't forgive, then you might become passive aggressive because you want to punish her for committing a worse transgression than you did.....in your made up story. If this happens, you'll destroy this relationship over time. Go get some therapy......I hope you do. Ann

[Ann S]

BackUpOrGetStng - You gave me a great laugh today. Thank you so much! Ann

[michelle23]

first of all you need to stop thinking what she did was worse than what you did. you were both wrong, tou both hurt each other and broke each others trust. whether it was "just once, just oral, or 6months" is irrelevant. all cheating is bad and morally wrong and there is no sugarcoating it. stop trying to justify what you did and stop placing more blame on your wife. cheating is cheating-theres emotional or sexual but both hurt badly and both are hard to forgive. i personally think sexual cheating is worse (which is what you did) but im not placing more blame on you. i just no that would hurt me more.

anyway you can either throw 18years down the toilet over something that you forgave a long time ago and walk away or forgive your wife and move forward together. there is no in between so if you cant get passed this-you will have to walk away.

perhaps marriage counselling will help you both.

[Fireman447]

Michelle23,I have thought about marriage counselling. She said she was willing but didn't really want to share her problems with anyone but me.

Wakeup, I think you misunderstood me. She met him, talked for 6 months, then flew out to see him. That's not important though. What's done is done, nothing can change it. I keep telling myself we were young and made some very poor choices, but the demons have gotten the best of me for the last several months. We've shared a wonderful 10 years married, and have a good relationship. I was able to put it behind me after I found out before we were married, but it's worse now for whatever reason. Maybe I have some other mental issues going on, and this is what I'm clinging to. I'm not passing the blame, but I have a history of depression in my family. I had an uncle commit suicide from it, and my dad went through a severe depression at around 40. I'm just wondering if that's the case with me, and these emotions are a result.