Not completely sure what to do

[alastor]

I'm not sure what I should do right now. I've been contemplating if I should say anything for a couple months now

I've had feelings for the same person for eight years and my shyness and insecurity pretty much prevented things from going anywhere and may have killed what "friend" friendship we had. She knew I had feelings for her and I almost know she felt something "more" too, maybe.

After High School I didn't want to hold her back without fully confronting her with my feelings, so I let her know I was going to move on, try to. That was 4 years ago. I tried lying to myself awhile, she dated someone. I wanted to say something, then before I realized it, someone else, for now over a year. Our communication has been minimal, limited to facebook really and I lost her number with my last phone. I'm in Minnesota, she's in school in North Dakota and she comes back often enough. We should both graduate in fall. So we aren't exactly continents apart. She seems fairly happy with this guy (who's nine years older than her) and I don't want to come in between that (for her sake), but yes I'll be honest, I want to be the one to make her happy. I'm ok waiting, but I want her to know, before it's too late. When it might still matter. I also don't want to do the wrong thing.

I haven't dated anyone in this time. None of the fish seemed to be right.

What do you think I should do? Any advice?

Thanks in advance.

[meloveulongtime]

Hey, Im from Minnesota too!!! LOL.

Well if shes in a relationship atm, I'd probably wait it out. i understand its good to let her know how you feel but by telling her will only confuse her if she did have feelings for you and complicate things. Plus (I) or you woulldnt want to be the one to ruin her relationship.

Keep your options open but go with the flow. Be patient. Like an equilibrium, If things were meant to work out, in the end, it will.

[Ann S]

I'd ask her for her number on facebook. Give her your email. I'd ask her how her relationship's going. But YOU need to move on. You have put your social life on hold, or so it sounds. And you have done this because you're shy? I'd get some help with that. Do you have a social phobia? There is treatment for that. Or join a public speaking class, or Toastmasters, and as scary as that might sound, it will help you get over your shyness. You may have lost your chance with this girl; none of us strangers out here can gauge that for you. Ann

[alastor]

I'm pretty sure I don't have social phobia. The only person I had problems talking with is her and I don't think shyness is the reason I put my social life on hold. I just focused more on school and couldn't move on. I don't think I'm that same shy person as I was then, not to the same point. I don't know if shyness was ever the real reason I held back then. I the cliche insecurities, why would she want me? am i worthy? etc., hold me back. I let the one thing I never wanted to get in the way of anything, do just that with the only thing I recall caring so much about. I viewed myself, how I never wanted be viewed, differently being in a wheelchair (was that important enough to include earlier?). I may have focused on minor mistakes to avoid confronting that. I've learned from that past, I think. I've just, perhaps mistakenly avoided the social situations the average 21 year old and now I'm that socially uncomfortable guy on the scene.

I guess that just leaves me wondering, is asking her how she felt about me before any better or worse? I feel it would help me move on, or try to. I know I'm exposing myself to more pain than I may want and the possible half-truth, or full lie to spare one of our feelings, or no response.

Thanks again

[Heart Healer]

Hi alastor,

All you got to do is gather all your courage and hit it hard. Even if she is dating someone else, even if she loves someone else and even if you don't matter to her much, but your proposal to her will definitely make a difference. Don't expect much from her just because she is committed to someone else, but try to understand, true love is not about getting your lover, its just about honest feelings in your heart for someone.

So just go and propose to her, let her know you are not shying off and that you really love her beyond anything and everything and you don't care if she loves you or not. All that matter to you is that you love her.

If you guys are destined to be together, she will come back to you someday. But at least let her know there is somebody on this planet who can love her beyond anything and more than anyone living or dead.

So, dear friend, its just a matter of couple of minute. Gather all your courage and propose her with your true feelings.

All the Best !!!

[Ann S]

Oh, thank you for explaining more. YOU have low self esteem. Are you still in a wheelchair - (yes, an important piece)? It doesn't matter. YOU sound like a great guy. I hope you work on thinking so. I think you need to ask her how she felt. Pain is only pain - it is only a feeling. Feelings pass. So no matter what she says, YOU have some work to do on YOU. I hope you look up on the web all the hunky guys who have been in a wheelchair. And don't let that hold you back. YOU are so much more! Some deserving person will gladly receive your love. Maybe she isn't it, and you get to accept that and move on, if you get a negative response from her. And please remember, she is in a relationship and any negative response from her might have NOTHING to do with you, but the fact that she cares for someone else. I wish you well. Ann

[alastor]

Hi alastor,

All you got to do is gather all your courage and hit it hard. Even if she is dating someone else, even if she loves someone else and even if you don't matter to her much, but your proposal to her will definitely make a difference. Don't expect much from her just because she is committed to someone else, but try to understand, true love is not about getting your lover, its just about honest feelings in your heart for someone.

So just go and propose to her, let her know you are not shying off and that you really love her beyond anything and everything and you don't care if she loves you or not. All that matter to you is that you love her.

If you guys are destined to be together, she will come back to you someday. But at least let her know there is somebody on this planet who can love her beyond anything and more than anyone living or dead.

So, dear friend, its just a matter of couple of minute. Gather all your courage and propose her with your true feelings.

All the Best !!!

By propose, do you mean ask her to marry me or just say my true feelings? A little confusing.

Oh, thank you for explaining more. YOU have low self esteem. Are you still in a wheelchair - (yes, an important piece)? It doesn't matter. YOU sound like a great guy. I hope you work on thinking so. I think you need to ask her how she felt. Pain is only pain - it is only a feeling. Feelings pass. So no matter what she says, YOU have some work to do on YOU. I hope you look up on the web all the hunky guys who have been in a wheelchair. And don't let that hold you back. YOU are so much more! Some deserving person will gladly receive your love. Maybe she isn't it, and you get to accept that and move on, if you get a negative response from her. And please remember, she is in a relationship and any negative response from her might have NOTHING to do with you, but the fact that she cares for someone else. I wish you well. Ann

Yes I am, the chair's not going anywhere. Thanks. And to clarify, I should still ask for her number, hope she gives it to me, call and ask or just ask on facebook? Option 2 seems not so great

[Ann S]

Hi Alastor: So, we learn to LOVE the chair!!! Don't ask on facebook. I think communications like the one you want to have, are better in person. And DON'T propose - remember, she's with another guy! Do you see her around? If so, that's how I would approach her, and ask her for coffee, or something, then look her in the eye and tell her what you have to say. And if you do this, do it without expectations. All you want from this is that she knows your feelings. Then YOU have to let go of the outcome. How does that sound? Again, wishing you well. Ann

[alastor]

Wasn't going to. I just didn't understand what Heart Healer meant by propose. Unfortunately I don't see her, or it would sound better.

[alastor]

Mulling over where this thread has gotten me, would it seem appropriate to send her a message and ask if some time she comes back around here she like to meet for coffee or something as friends just to talk? No expectations of changing our relationship. Asking for her for her number might lead there anyway. No life-changing revelations in the message of course.

I think I know what I can do. Just looking for a quick thought before I leave the frying pan.

[_Richard]

Unrequited love can be a killer. It has the potential to waste vast chunks of your life and to eat up huge amounts of your emotional energy. It can be incredibly painful and give you nothing in return other than false hopes.

I definitely think that you should get your feelings known. see what happens and if necessary move on.

Do not pretend that you want to meet up as friends. You don't really want to be her friend, you want to be romantically involved with her. Tell her that. Once she knows she can deal with that information.

Just don't wait too long for her. You'll regret it if you do.

[alastor]

Well, I asked if her if there was a time she was back in Minnesota she'd like to meet for coffee or something just to talk, no digital barriers. I didn't throw anything about being friends just left it open. She thought it was great idea. I just have to wait until the end of June after she moves back here (with her boyfriend I think). So I have a couple months to think, if that's good or not I don't know.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She's moving with her boyfriend, and you think you should tell her about your feelings over coffee..after 8 years. What planet are you from?

[alastor]

Well...first, I don't for sure she is moving in with him, speculation. I have already thought on what you're saying though. So no. But this is progress nonetheless.

[michelle23]

No OP you missed your chance. Leave her alone. You didnt have the balls to ask her out 8years ago-thats your tough shit. Now you get to watch her marry someone else.

You dont love this girl-if you did you wouldnt ve considering messing with her head and ****ing up her happy relationship.

Get over it and move on. Her bfs balls obviously dropped before yours and thats y shes with him now instead of you. Sorry to be a bitch but you chose to be her emotional tampon instead of working up the courage to ask her out. All this time you pretended to be her friend when you had a hidden agenda and hoped shed do all the work for you and ask you out.

Well youve learned the hard way how to avoud the friendzone-deal with it