A troubled relationship involving depression and drugs

[michelle23]

my uncle lost his home, wife, kids, fell out with his dad and sister for ten years and lost his job before he stopped drinking.

my mum left my dad for a month which was enough to get him to make some positive changes.

my bf grandfather died from drinking raw whiskey on an empty stomach for 3days-his stomach burst but his son (my bf dad) is still a raging alcho.. none of the grandkids drink tho coz of it including my bf.

my point is some people will never chage-some will but only if they lose everything that matters or are about to.

[michelle23]

my uncle lost his home, wife, kids, fell out with his dad and sister for ten years and lost his job before he stopped drinking.

my mum left my dad for a month which was enough to get him to make some positive changes.

my bf grandfather died from drinking raw whiskey on an empty stomach for 3days-his stomach burst but his son (my bf dad) is still a raging alcho.. none of the grandkids drink tho coz of it including my bf.

my point is some people will never chage-some will but only if they lose everything that matters or are about to.

[MrProblem]

Seems some people really do have to hit rock bottom in order to start again. Sorry about all the trouble in your family, but at least it's deterred you from repeating their mistakes.

[VincenzoG91]

Is that not what a relationship in our current social climate about? Support? Sharing responsibilities? Enduring life together?
I feel like it would be the cowards way out, to leave her in this dark hole while I move on. But at the same time I don't want to be stuck in this thing if its going to be forever.

Sounds good, but here is what you can realistically expect from her in the future:

She will lie to you. She will steal from you. She will manipulate you, threaten you, beg from you. She will threaten to commit suicide, maybe even cut herself a little to scare you. Eventually she may turn to prostitution. She could have the best of intentions, but this is where she is headed, on her way to rock bottom. Your attempts to help her will only enable her to fall longer and harder before rock bottom, and terrible things could happen along the way.

It's nice that you want to save her, but your help could actually make things worse. That's why you need to get her some real help and then get away from her. You won't be her savior, just her enabler.

[HeartIsAching]

Yes, exactly that. The problems I once enjoyed helping with have escalated to a degree where I'm exhausted, fed up and resentful. But I should be helping her through this, surely? Is it not my duty? Am I going to get that 'white knight' phrase thrown at me? I don't know where the line is between me helping her, and her helping herself.

Thanks.

No, it's not your duty, it's hers. You can offer help, but if declines then you've got two choices:

1. Stay and live with it.
2. Leave.

Sorry man, but that's where it's at. She is ultimately responsible for her, not you.

[pcmaster]

Its not the right thing to quit on addicted person. Only with friends relatives and people that loves you is possible to overcome drugs. Everyone who comes out of drug hell can tell that its not possible to do it alone. What people tend to to us turn their backs, even parents say that things like "It is not my son" "Its is not my dauther" " "Its a narkoman"

You said that she dont have any intersests or so. That means life is not living in her heart and most intense feelings she get from drugs. As long as life will be boring she will always go back to drugs. Only option I see here is rehab - any place where drugs are unavailable. Other option is lock her in her room for few months - works too. Once she learn to live without drugs it should be ok. Its not drugs that are addictive. Adiction comes before drugs with emotionaly unfullfiled life, lacking dreams, goals or not going for what you want in life - even more not knowing what you want from this life. Even so quiting drugs is not a solution if you keep going aimlesy in life - drugs will wait right behind the corner. Its like that with any addictions.

[MrProblem]

She will manipulate you, threaten you, beg from you. She will threaten to commit suicide, maybe even cut herself a little to scare you.

Do you perhaps think her recent bout of self harm (first time in many years) is a way of manipulation to keep me? After all, she is fully aware that I am growing tired and fed up. I've told her once before that if things continue without any sign of fixing then we'll have to part ways.

The posts between HeartIsAching and pcmaster conflict a bit - former saying she can only help herself, latter saying addicts need all the help they can get from their loved ones to get through this.

I think the realistic side of me wants to RUN AWAY and let her sort her own life whilst I move on. But the hopeful side wants me to help her, to see if the person inside of her is still the same one I fell in love with.

I guess it boils down to the question - can addicts actually change? I don't really have any experience in this field.

Again, and I've lost count how many times I've said this but everyone has been so helpful, thank you very much. I was expecting to be trolled to death.

[HeartIsAching]

Do you perhaps think her recent bout of self harm (first time in many years) is a way of manipulation to keep me? After all, she is fully aware that I am growing tired and fed up. I've told her once before that if things continue without any sign of fixing then we'll have to part ways.

Uh... no shit, sherlock.

[HeartIsAching]

The posts between HeartIsAching and pcmaster conflict a bit - former saying she can only help herself, latter saying addicts need all the help they can get from their loved ones to get through this.

I think the realistic side of me wants to RUN AWAY and let her sort her own life whilst I move on. But the hopeful side wants me to help her, to see if the person inside of her is still the same one I fell in love with.

I guess it boils down to the question - can addicts actually change? I don't really have any experience in this field.

Again, and I've lost count how many times I've said this but everyone has been so helpful, thank you very much. I was expecting to be trolled to death.

She can only be helped by you IF SHE WANTS HELP. If she doesn't want help, there's nothing you can do. You can't force it on her, and obviously she doesn't want help. If she doesn't want help, what can you do? You can't control her, and if you try you'll just get heartache.

I say that she can only help herself because I'm a cynic and a realist. PCMaster says the opposite because he's naive and young.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

[MrProblem]

Coffee smelt.

However, as I did say, she is trying to help herself by doing various things. What if she's on the brink of recovery? What if she's just on the brink of yet another hole to fall into? I don't understand her as much as I once did.

It's a hard pill to swallow to give up on someone, which is why I might appear dismissive of the idea. But all opinions are appreciated and valid ...even if they are from someone 'young and naive'

Thanks.

[HeartIsAching]

Uh... perhaps I missed it, where did you say that she's doing various things to help herself? You said she's shooting up at work. You said she pretty much eats, sleeps, does drugs and goes to work. You said that your relationship has pretty much devolved to argument.

What's she doing to help herself? I don't' see anything there. I see you agonizing because you can't bring yourself to move on, because you can't admit that you can't fix it.

My wife spent 23 years with an abusive asshole because she couldn't admit that she couldn't fix it for him. Don't ferchrissakes go down THAT path.

[MrProblem]

My mistake, I mentioned that to someone else, but I vaguely touched on it.

She has some serious issues that countless counsellors haven't solved since she was a child and her GP isn't much help in terms of drug abuse. However she is at least trying to solve her issues by seeking this help, albeit from my urging!

She goes to her GP at least once per week, has had therapy to no avail. Nothing seems to be working for her.

23 years? No chance. 2 years is pushing it for me.

Ideally I'd like to give her one last chance, an ultimatum at least? Or would that be a bad idea?

[HeartIsAching]

My mistake, I mentioned that to someone else, but I vaguely touched on it.


She goes to her GP at least once per week, has had therapy to no avail. Nothing seems to be working for her.

23 years? No chance. 2 years is pushing it for me.

Ideally I'd like to give her one last chance, an ultimatum at least? Or would that be a bad idea?

But is SHE trying to help herself, or is she doing it for someone else? Her parents? You?

She's gotta do it for her, man. She's gotta do it because it's what she wants. You can't force her to get better. You can try to get her to see that she needs to get better, but if she can't see that it's a problem that needs to be fixed, you're screwed.

And at this point, you're enabling her. She doesn't have to fix the problem, because there's someone there to fix it for her when things get too tough.

Ultimatums are a no-no... but setting a boundary is not.

You can tell her that this is a line that you will not tolerate being crossed... but if she crosses that line, you need to be mentally and physically capable of picking up and moving on. At this point, I don't see her being able to keep from crossing that line. I think she thinks she's going to get what she wants, the way she wants it. She NEEDS to hit rock-bottom before she'll see the light.

[HeartIsAching]

My mistake, I mentioned that to someone else, but I vaguely touched on it.


She goes to her GP at least once per week, has had therapy to no avail. Nothing seems to be working for her.

23 years? No chance. 2 years is pushing it for me.

Ideally I'd like to give her one last chance, an ultimatum at least? Or would that be a bad idea?

Is this the same GP that's prescribing narcotics to her, despite the obvious drug-seeking behavior? If so, he's not her doctor, he's her contact.

[Valixy]

Just like everyone says you can only help her if she wants to be helped.

An addiction case I know about is the older son of a family friend that started taking drugs when he was in his twenties. The father who was a policeman tried for 2 years to convince him to get help and stay away from the dangerous entourage but the boy never listened. He and his friends got in trouble with the the law and risked being sent to prison. It was when the son woke up and asked for his help. The father found him a good lawyer, the boy was free and willing to leave drugs. For a few weeks this man kept his son locked in a small apartment and supplied him smaller and smaller doses. His heart shrank every time he had to contact the drug dealers to buy cocaine for his son and he hated them as a father and a policeman. One day he left the door of the apartment open for a few minutes and his son escaped. Later he found him in a park and begged him to go home with him but was refused. He understood there was nothing else he could do if his son didn't want to be helped but let him to go his way. He was walking back home a broken man when he felt someone touching his shoulder. It was his son saying he was accepting to go to a detox centre. He fully recovered, he is now in his forties, happily married with two children.