Wanted to date, left heart broken - Long, but I just want someone to talk to..

[Turismo]

You guys may remember me posting here some time ago about asking out a girl I knew, to be met with the response "I don't want a relationship right now, I just feel like I don't know you well enough"

Its been 3 months since then, and since that day, Ive been as open as my heart would allow with her. And to my joy, she showed me affection, and even told me on occasions how much she cared for me and she felt she knew me so well. Needless to say I was just so happy in what I now realise was just a false sense of security.

Her birthday was day before yesterday, and I went to an effort to do something for her, I didnt buy anything fancy, I bought a card which had a personal joke on it, I drew her a comic about what she could do now that she was 18 and I wanted to take her out to dinner. Id been asking her about this day and if she'd have time after Uni for a week and thought she'd at least give me an hour.

Albeit, after talking to her for almost an hour on the phone, it was apparent that she had to be with family & friends so it wasnt possible. So in my moment of semi-anger, I said, well next time I see you doesnt have to be the day after, I mean its not your birthday is it?

However, the next day, I still brought hat I intended to give her, and even sent her an Sms later in the day saying "Guess we won't be meeting today either huh"

When I got home, I was well, angry I guess.

Later she came onto my Msn Messenger and just started talking casually, and as hard as it was for me, I started to tell her how Id wanted to do something for her which had amounted to nothing. From here on we talked on the phone.

She said, she didnt really expect it from me. And this is where things became apparent.

I said, well I guess I made an error in judgement when I asked you out once, I think I made that same error again.

To which she responded "Were you going to ask me out again?"

After saying yes, these are the comments I was met with, "I see you as too much of a close friend and I dont think we should go out. I do like you, its why I show you affection, but to me your always my little boy (nickname sort of)"

I asked her continually and I ask anyone whos read this far as well. From the moment she told me she wanted to know me better I opened up, I let her into my deepest personal life, whenever I had a problem, even if I didnt want to tell her, shed figure me out, noone I knew could do that, she showed me affection, she never said no to going somewhere just with me all when she knew I liked her, but all this time she didnt like me in that way, WHY?

It may sound cliched or whatever, but after that happened at 12am last night, till 5 am now, Ive been sleepless and crying. As a gauge of thins, Im not the smallest person in the world, and to see someone like me cry, its very weird.

I just dont know what to do, Im hoping this post at least releases some of my thoughts.

I just liked her so much for the personshe was and the way she treated me, I was willing to and made many sacrifices for her of my mone by not going to work and moreso my time by skipping Uni just so I could be with her.

After we hung up, I just broke down, and sent an SMS some while later saying

"I know what you said and I understood it,and I know I said this too,but all I wanted to say was,way back, you told me, that all you wanted to do was to get to know me better,Iwasnt fussed,and got to like you a lot more as I let you know me.However,even after I know how you feel,I dont feel any different about you because all I can say is your the cutest and brightest little girl and one of the only people whos really seemed to understand how I work.However,because of my silly little misconceptions,maybe itd be better for you not to talk to me because I'd probably make you feel weird being around me.Just wanted to let you know that Im fine with thatcos like I said, even if I was ur close friend,ud still be little Emiwee that I liked.Sleep well and I hope I havent caused you undue stress."

Yes I know big ass SMS. But, I just dont know how to describe this to anyone reading, I know it seems like a typical emofag-teen story which Id never see myself involved in, but I just dont know what to do. I read some of her old messages to me, went over some things we did.

And I just dont know how I can go without her calling me sweetie, asking me to cuddle her, asking me to pat her on the head because she is so short, asking me to rub her bruises, asking me to pinch her cheeks because theyre so lovely or even asking me to call her cute because to me she was indeed the cutest thing ever.

So do I just need to grow up and shutup because I was being a fool?

Wtf shoudl I do. I dont even feel like I can go to Uni anymore even with exams coming up, I just feel like such a ****ing loser

[Junket]

It's okay dude, we're all ****in' loser-emofag-teen's at some point in our lives.

Except for the one's that aren't.

Forget about 'er, there's better things in life than girls anyhow. Like the climbin' a mountain, or eatin' your favorite ice cream. Even you get somebody really go with a joke.

[Turismo]

Thanks. Im feelin slightly better this morn. Just, the words "I dont think we should go out because we're really good friends" keeps goin thru my mind.

Why the **** did she act the way she did towards me if we were just friends?

Kind of weird, I normally used to wake up, and subconsciously think about her, look forward to talking to her. Somethin' feels empty, like I have one less thing to do...

[mhussain]

tell me this turismo.....when she said she didnt know u well enough to date you.....and u opened up to her ,did she do the same????

did u know her well enough?

love doesnt work one way brother....it doesnt...as for feeling like ****ing loser....everyone of us has been there at time or the other. get urself up man...dont waste ur time on a woman who doesnt see the real u ...coz there are so many wonderful women out there who will... or else us men are doomed.

take care of urself man.....as for keeping her old messages and stuff....i completely understand man.........

i am really sorry mate really am.......hope things work out for u

hussain

[Chii 288]

I just feel like such a ****ing loser

I just need to say: You're NOT alone. It's the same way that I've felt, it's relly painful when you feel deeper feelings than just friendship towards someone but this someone doesn't feel it that way. It's about the time you realise there's nothing wrong with you, some people just don't fit together.
Turismo, I think you should avoid her company. She likes you as a friend, that's it. It hurts but it'll pass and you've got all your life infront of you to find the right one. Good luck!

[Chii 288]

Oh yeah and about the messages .. I understand as well (sigh) ... I'll get rid of mine soon, though lol

[Turismo]

Thanks for the replies guys, I just feel slightly better knowing that someone out there is reading what i say.

In response to the SMS I sent, i got a reply just before saying that she wouldnt feel wird being around me ever, but instead weird if she didnt talk to me.

My reply was the same thing I said before, I just don't know how to act around her when she knows I still like her and still shows me affection, but only sees me as a friend.

Other then that, Ive decided to send her what Id done for her birthday on Monday(Thats how the postal system work), along with a letter Im going to write soon hoping to clear up exactly how I felt why I felt...

I know its not going to do anything, but in my mind, I still seem to have some hope that she'll come to like me...Silly.

In regards to your question mhussain, she never really opened up, shes a very talkative and bubbly person, but she never told me how she felt, which is obvious now because she never felt anything...

[mhussain]

Silly... u say.. that u HOPE that she will ever like u? hope my dear friend is never stupid or silly or irrevelant.....hope is what on all of us live on mate hope is what makes us smile when our eyes are still moist with our tears.....

do talk to her if u feel that u want to be her friend..but b4 u do that remember that every moment for atleast the next month u spend with her will cause a stab in ur heart....so remember b4 anything......as for the messages.i still have mine and there is no way i am ever going to remove them...........coz i love her.......when u love someone truly u do that without the condition that the other person would return ur love.......harsh but sorry mate its true...

i am sorry that u had to go through it mate

but remember that LOVE....is never one way.......when u find that it is only one way.....it is pain in its most piercing form

sorry man.........i really man... i know that its not very comforting but life IS fair......in the end it will pan out....it will

Hussain

[Turismo]

Shu Hussain

Thanks brother, Its comforting to know that what Im feeling is relatively normal and not somethign outcast.

I went out and sat in my car today, just thinknig that at one point she had been in my car making fun of how I drove, how I used my hands on the wheel. And hw she wanted me to teach her how to drive because her dad kept yelling at her for being bad at driving.

Like you said about your messages, I dont think I will ever be deleting her SMS'es, or our MSN logs, I even vividly remember everythign shes ever said to me, every thing shes ever worn when we've been together. Ive even kept a small plastic bag in which she brought me some of her countrys food the first time we met. I also cant lok at another girl, without thinking of the personal jokes theat I shared with this girl, like patting ehr and pinching her cheeks and the pt names I called her.

Kind of sad that although I have photos of her, I have none of me with her.

Yes, she will definitely want to see me again, and yes it is going to hurt, because when she hugs me, Im going to realise that I'll miss the warmest and tightest hug in the way that I wanted it.

Im currently writing the letter, its pretty long but I'll post it on here when I am done.

I gorra admit, this forum has really helped me get things out. Im the sort of person who never shows emotion, so I dont really have anyone to talk to.

[mhussain]

mate...

everything will remind u of her.....everything...but all that pain seems so small compared to a simple hug from her doesnt it? i am happy that u are still friends.....and believe me...very few people get that.

never ever hide ur feelings from her..but respect her and more importantly urself. remember that Love is a two way street brother.......

be strong in the knowledge that u loved somebosyand had the guts to express it...and that u were lucky enough to find a woman who even though did not have the same feelings....liked u so much that even after this could not let go of ur friendship.. so be strong mate....

i now it doesnt seem to u right now but life IS fair.....it definitely is..how or why i cant explain..but i know

Hussain

[Turismo]

I know you say life is fair, I know that Im only 18, and I have a full life ahead of me.

But I just try to think, when in my life would I meet a girl, whos never kissed a boy before, is innocent as innocent can be, someone who even though is a completely different natio to me, has a culture that is strikingly close to my own, someone who shares my nuique sense of humour which is just insulting each other, someone who knows my flaws which i dont show the world, and finds them to be an asset. I have what you'd call unique eyes, and to her, those are my most attractive feature. Just so much about her which I have to think if I'll ever find again.

Ive spoken to 2 of my friends, suprisingly, both guys, its helped me, speaking to a girl right now, but even speaking about it just wets my eyes.

She had an ex who treated her like shit, dumped her, and even when they were friends, he told her to **** off, and then pretended like it never happened, and she always tried to make amends with him. But with someone like me, she has to play the game of liking as a very close friend who i can touch and be playful with but nothing more.

Im a simple guy, i dont know how to lay the mind games of resisting, holding back, and i dont know when im being played around with. ive been out with girls before, but thats just my hormones thinking, not me. my brain knows nothing abuot girls and that why i think i fell so hard for her, and am now suffering the consequences.

Looks like another night of crying silently and sleeping I guess.

If anyone wanted to know what I made for her, it is nothing special at all, to everyone its probably cheap, tacky and pathetic, but I really wanted to give it to her in the hope that i could just get her to smile in approval and maybe a hug. I was a small comic i drew with stick figures about what she could do as she was 18, and the on the inside, i had the moral of the story, which had a little paper flap over it, and it was a note asking her out.

looks like i needlessly spent anight staying up thinkign about it and drawing it now that is just sitting in my cupboard anyway.

[Turismo]

Ive finished my letter, yes its long, if anyone wants to read it, go ahead, and let me know if I should send it...

Dear ******,

Firstly, enclosed should be a small plastic bag with a card in it. This was what I had intended to give to you in person on Thursday. However, after I figured out that this was just not possible, I reacted poorly, and for this I apologise. Even though I said I didn’t care if I saw you on Friday, I didn’t mean it, and I hoped you’d send me a message all day, because of which I even kept the card with me. I stayed at Uni till 3 playing pool, but like you said, why should you reply when I went off like I did and I am sure you had already made plans with other people who show you more courtesy and aren’t as stubborn as I have been to you. So Im sending it to you now because having it sit around me just reminds me of my stupidity and I really do want you to have it. I know its nothing special like a bunch of daffodils, or anything else your friends may have gotten for you, or whatever you may get at your birthday party, but Ive put it in a Supre bag if that makes it any better. I was just eager to hear a…haw…is all, so Im sorry I was so rude.

I also just wanted to put into writing why I felt what I felt, even though I shouldn’t have. I know you’re probably sick of me saying shit like this now, but I haven’t been able to sleep last night, and spent all of today doing nothing, which is pretty much what I feel like doing now. I don’t know why, but I think its because I led myself fall into such a falsehood.

From the time you told me you just wanted me to be more open, you made it sound like, you were infact interested in me, but just not at that point, since then I made every effort I could to never withhold anything from you, Ive told you things that no one else has ever heard from me, and I only told you these things because I liked you. But I guess it was all just part of a friendship. The affection you showed me coupled with you wanting to know so much more about me just led me to want to know so much more about ****** and be with ****** so much more. When you said, is it “really necessary” to “date” and “hold hands”, I guess I was thinking yeah, I just wanted to be so much more open with you and really do so many things for you like teaching you to drive well, just showing you what I am interested in, get to know more about you and your beliefs, because well, I don’t think Ive ever liked someone before so it was easy for me to get confused. I just thought from what you said and did that you felt a similar way. When I asked you to come see Black with me, you asked me “So we’d be like on a date huh”, I was tempted to ask you if that was really a bad thing, but I didn’t because I really thought you meant something, whenever you asked me to call you cute and I did call you cute, or pat you, or even hug you, it just got so confusing for me and like I said, I drifted off into my own little misconception.
Like I said, Ive never really liked someone before so it was just something new for me to have someone understand me so well and for me to be attracted to someones chirpy personality so much. I just thought that a good friendship which I believe I have with you was a catalyst to something more then friendship. I guess I just never understood why you’d like me as a person, like being in my company, but yet, not wanting any affection I may have felt.

I also want to apologise for always snapping at you because I believed you were dogging me or not giving me enough attention, because its obvious now that the sort of attention I was looking for was never going to come anyway. I never meant that you were a bad person, a dog friend, I guess I was just after attention from you. Kind of like I thought you liked me, but, silly mistake. When you said that you were sick of my attitude and concerned this sort of misunderstanding would happen again, I just want to reassure you that there is no room or any excuse for it happening now.

Anyway, if you’ve read this far, you’d be thinking of what a mofo I am to make you read this much shit. So sorry for ranting on and on about stuff that Ive already said to you. But I just wanted you to know exactly how I felt, and why I may have been rude to for which I whole heartedly apologise.

I do hope that we can be close friends, I probably hope for more as well, but Id be lucky if even the former occurred because I fear that I really wouldn’t know how to act around you anymore, because whatever Ive written so far, hasn’t really changed.

So take it eze, and I hope to hear from you, and I hope you like the Supre bag if not the card and whatever I made inside it.

Yours truly,

[mhussain]

mate.u will be surprised to know how many simple guys fall in love with innocent and wonderful women...and then their love gets wrested from them for no faultof theirs.

Hussain

[Turismo]

Thanks Hussain.

Anyone say anything about the letter? Is it too much?

[paco2244]

I think you should send it to her, so she can know EXACTLY how you feel. Keep us updated.