Potential break up, probably my fault, girl on the fence.

[commonboarder]

So I've been having some trust / jealousy issues with my girlfriend. We began our relationship as an open relationship and her ex was sort of on and off the scene. Now we've been monogamous for several months and for whatever reason I have still worried about this other guy because they are still friends. I think I have at least some reason to be nervous because there has been some drama and secrecy surrounding them in the past, but mainly, in retrospect I'm afraid I was just being insecure and sort of mentally talking myself in to having a reason to worry about it and I made her feel like I was being too controlling. She has told me that she only wants me and only wants to be his friend. Well, I even had a particularly insecure day where my car was giving me trouble and things were rotten at work and I just wasn't feeling super great about myself that day. Some stuff came up about this ex and I kinda said "maybe it's time for you to make a choice" ... She said she didn't want to be with either of us. Now I feel like I see it from her perspective. She didn't leave me for him she just wanted to leave me because I was being insecure and making her uneasy with frequent little conflicts over this. All this happened yesterday and we talked a bit last night. She still says she loves me. She feels like she's not giving me a good relationship and nothing could be further from the truth. She says she might not be in a good space to have a relationship right now. She seems unsure of how to proceed and if we can continue or not. I need to convince her I know what I did wrong and that I can work to resolve the jealousy within myself. How do I go about it? She says she needs space but also asked me to keep in touch. I told her I need to get my head straight but I want to see her again. She said she wants to see me again too. How long do I wait to call her and tell her how I feel? I need a game plan.

[Ann S]

Why? Did you begin your, "relationship," as an open one? What did that mean to the two of you? I could be wrong, but to me, it just mean that one or both of you didn't want to commit to your relationship. And now, monogamous or not, you have the left overs from that agreement.

"maybe it's time for you to make a choice" - this is because no choice was made up front.....you have been living in a grey relationship where one party doesn't know what the other party is doing.

"I need to convince her" No you don't. She told you she needs space and asked you to keep in touch. So why are you making this all about what you want? How about respecting her request. She said she is NOT in a good space to have a relationship right now.......why don't you want to believe her? YOU aren't LISTENING! Ann

[commonboarder]

She says she "might" not be in a good space for a relationship. Maybe you're not listening. Forgive me my optimism.

[HeartIsAching]

She's tired of the drama, man.

You might try telling her that you're going to get counseling for your insecurity and then FOLLOW THROUGH. After you've started, tell her so.

[commonboarder]

You know what? You're crazy. I'm sorry if you aren't accepting of differently lifestyles ie poly people, but not everybody wants to commit right away without knowing what they're in for. Some people like to let the experience with a partner dictate the commitment. It doesn't mean we haven't been committed for some time now. It just means there are some leftover feelings concerning her ex because of his role when we were still open. I don't even know why I post here. I wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't taking the consensus advice of this forum. I am not making it all about me! If it were all about me I'd take that scrawny dead beat abusive ex of hers and by his neck and tell him to **** go **** himself and stay away from my girl! The mistake of making at all about me occurred when I tried to tell her she shouldn't be friends with her ex! Now I'm trying to humble myself and rectify the situation! **** you ann.

[HeartIsAching]

You talking to me or Ann?

Because I don't give two shits about your poly lifestyle - whatever works for you. What I was talking about was your insecurity after you decided to be exclusive. That's the drama that drove her away. It gets tiring after a while.

[Ann S]

You know what? People here are trying to give you some honest feedback but you are playing a mind game.....every suggestion, you have a justification about why that is not applicable to you. And just who wants to be sworn at for their efforts? You are right; you shouldn't have gone on this forum. It would have been so appropriate to thank people for their feedback and disagree instead of calling people crazy or telling them to go.........themselves. YOU are the one who needs counseling. Ann

[michelle23]

I think you should dump her if she is not willing to cut all contact with her ex. She should not have any close male friends especially not exes and you should not have any close female friends. There has to be rules, boundaries and lines that neither of you cross and if she cannot get rid of him for you-then she does not value you enough to commit 100%.

The way you got together in the beginning and your previous arrangement will probably always be there between you. If there isnt a healthy foundation where trust is the main ingredient from the beginning-it makes it almost impossible to have a healthy relationship.

You should probably just cut your losses and walk away.

[michelle23]

Oh just realized he doesnt want our advice. oh well...

[Wakeup]

You know what? You're crazy. I'm sorry if you aren't accepting of differently lifestyles ie poly people, but not everybody wants to commit right away without knowing what they're in for. Some people like to let the experience with a partner dictate the commitment. It doesn't mean we haven't been committed for some time now. It just means there are some leftover feelings concerning her ex because of his role when we were still open. I don't even know why I post here. I wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't taking the consensus advice of this forum. I am not making it all about me! If it were all about me I'd take that scrawny dead beat abusive ex of hers and by his neck and tell him to **** go **** himself and stay away from my girl! The mistake of making at all about me occurred when I tried to tell her she shouldn't be friends with her ex! Now I'm trying to humble myself and rectify the situation! **** you ann.

You're angry at the wrong person. It's your gf's job to shut down contact with her former lover. If she's still open to being in contact with him, then why would he stop it?

Your gf is right. She's not ready to be in a monogamous relationship. Not with you anyway. If she was, her ex would be history and when your gut told you that her being in touch with him still was a red flag, then I'd think she should at least change up the dynamic of their interactions and keep it to a bear minimum at best. If she's not doing that then she doesn't value the relationship you have(had?) like you do.

I think your best bet would be to tell her she knows where you are and if she's "ready" for a monogamous relationship of the emotional as well as the physical kind, then please call you. You won't do that though even though it would likely be the push she needs to make a decision. (Even if it wasn't to be with you at least you'd not be in a holding pattern for her)

[Wakeup]

Now I'm trying to humble myself and rectify the situation!

You'd fair better if you just left her and let her come to you after agreeing to give up her poly emotional affair with her ex lover instead of trying to live with her still talking to him... You'll never trust her so why bother settling for something you don't like should she take you back after "humbling yourself? Folly!

[Valixy]

Why would you want to apologise to her for asking her to finish the ''friendship'' with his ex? Why would you want to go back with her and put up with all the pain that her physical or emotional infidelity is causing you? Where and why do you think you made a mistake when you felt you couldn't tolerate this situation anymore and asked her to make a choice?

Since you two have been in a monogamous relationship, she kissed him in a bar and you saw it, she was jealous of his new girlfriend to the point that she stopped going to the dance classes where they were going, she is texting him and chatting to him on facebook and hiding it from you. All this while you hurt and she knows it. She is absolutely right when she tells you that she is not giving you the relationship that you deserve and she is making you unhappy. Shame she isn't telling you the whole truth though and admitting it's because she still has feelings for him because that might be the only way for you to understand you have to move on.

The members of the forum are right and I hope you'll be able to see it. It's time to be strong and let go. Your emotional happiness and sanity are more important than a girl who can't choose between you and her abusive ex. Just because you have worked so much with yourself in order to make this relationship work it doesn't mean that she's been capable of the same thing. You two are not on the same level anymore and you need and deserve better. A relationship can be hard even when two people are fully committed but it becomes impossible when one is still thinking of and feeling so much for his/her ex. It really takes two to make it work.