I Can't Deal With These Games!

[ah1990]

Hey everyone,

New guy here - and really new to the dating scene, which is why I need advice and found myself here on this forum!

OK! So, to provide a bit of context - I'm 22, the guy in question is 40-something. Didn't realize that until our date, although typically I don't mind guys that are somewhat older but I digress. We met on Grindr, (gay dating app for those unaware) and after chatting back and forth for about 3 weeks on the app; we decide to head on a first date.

We really hit it off on the first date, which I ended with a hug (although I think he may have wanted a peck - but hey, I'm a bit on the shy side) and for the next week or so; we kept texting back and forth and planned to set up a second date. All the while, he is texting me things like "I was thinking about you this morning", calling me handsome; etc...all which would lead me to think he's interested. On a Thursday, he proposed a second date (a movie) and we agree to arrange details and head out that Friday.

So, we haven't chat yet on the Friday until about 3:00PM, at which point he texts me to suddenly cancel because he's made the last minute choice to fly out to his second home in on the West Coast last minute (yes he has multiple homes - this guy is very well off financially, which will become relevant in a moment...) and has to cancel on me. So, obviously I'm a bit bummed out by this, but I mean, no big deal I suppose. Here's the gem of a text message I was sent:

That following Tuesday, I text him to see how his week is coming along and to see what he may be up to for the week. At that point, this is message I get back, verbatim:

"Hey! I have to admit to you that I met a guy that has literally swept me off my feet. I'm really quite stunned about how it all happened and how quickly. I know it's probably not what you really want or expected to hear, and I hope we can still see each other and hang out as friends, but he and I have both committed to not date anyone else as we have high hopes for the future together. I also wanted to be honest with you because I like and respect you."

HUH!?!

So, of course I respond that I don't have a problem with that - although it's just a little odd that *HE* was proposing a second date to *ME* barely 4 days prior...

The other part that confuses me is after that initial "someone else" message he's still texting me things like "Hey handsome" and "sweet dreams" and such. UGH! I mean that could be just being friend, but if there's someone else and he knows I'm interested isn't that a bit off? I'm so confused.

Moe confusing still, is in the midst of all this, before our Mr. Questionnable leaves on a vacation, he sends me this text message.

"Back March 6. Then we should meet up and pick up where we left off!"

Sooo, this just leaves me thinking...am I back in the game now? Is he interested once again? WTF.Not all that surprisingly, while on this cruise he apparently meets "the love of his life", who lives in Texas - we live in Toronto, Canada...this guy makes an entire Facebook album of new guy, the works. LUNACY!

In any case, once I text him after the cruise to see how it went (and make sure to acknowledge "the boyfriend" (see below) I get what is either a blatant lie, a jealousy tactic, or they're both just plain crazy

Thanks. Good to be back. Caught a BRUTAL cold/flu but starting to feel a bit better now. Big news is that S****** actually moved from Austin TX to Toronto this weekend Yes. We fell in love that fast and literally after spending 24/7 together for 3 weeks we decided this was right. It's a major both for both of us

What's new w you?

Ummm - well, hearing THAT bullsh1t news is what's new with me, bro. You're telling me this dude ditched a house/apt, job, etc. all to move in with a guy he's known for three weeks...in a foreign country where he can't get a job, bank account, healthcare, etc? I may be younger than you, but I'm not stupid...

To make the remainder of this story rather short, I made the mistake of including him in a text message where I referred to him as "Old Scumbag" as a contact name...to which he responded

Well. Gotta say that really stings. So be well and maybe we'll bump into each other again sometime.

Obviously, I do some maaaaajor damage control and probably make a *deadly* mistake when the next morning (presuming he'll never talk to me again) tell him everything and dodge the bullet by saying my friends put that name into my phone. If you want the blow-by-blow, here's the message:

Hey J****, no doubt I'm not the guy you want to hear from this morning, but I'm all about transparency, and so I wanted to really just be open about this whole situation. I'd rather you think I'm lame, stupid or a loser based on facts rather than resentful or bitter based on words that weren't mine. I cant tell you how sh1tty I feel about that whole text message last night and just wanted to put my cards on the table...

As I'm sure you gather, I really had an awesome time when we hung out that first time. No doubt you have also experienced the fact that it's difficult to meet other guys with a sense of drive and who are "self made" in our community, not to mention who have achieved as much as you have - and that's a big part of why I really clicked with you...not to mention the fact you're really interesting to talk to and a lot of fun! To be honest it's not always easy for me to relate as well with other guys around me who are into petty drama and 'the scene' or whatever and not going much of anywhere with themselves; and so I was really glad we got the chance to hang out, and was pretty excited when you asked if we'd like to hang out again since I was looking forward to getting to know you better.

While I know and can appreciate how busy your travel schedule is, it was somewhat disappointing you cancelled on short notice when we were going to hang out that second time. That next Tuesday as you may be able to imagine, it came as something of a surprise and I was really hurt, perhaps even feeling a bit confused when you told me You were "swept off your feet" with a new guy, especially in light of the fact I had presumed we were hanging out just 72 hours prior. Happy for you all the same, but to say it stung would be putting it rather lightly.That left me to confide in my friends who were quick to come to my defense and is where that cruel, immature nickname - that I should have never let them type and regret like no other - came from. I'll spare the "woe is me" chatter but will just leave it to saying I was rather upset that night and my friends wanted to do what they could to have my back and cheer me up.

I know prior to meeting S****** you mentioned we may want to pick up where we left off; which I may have misinterpreted as there being potential interest there. With that being said, in light of the previous communication following your weekend trip to Las Vegas it did leave me somewhat confused.

I'm really thrilled for you and S****** and I can tell the two of you really hit it off which is great!

You, of course, weren't the intended recipient of that message on Monday evening. I'll be the first to admit I'm not very experienced nor confident when it comes to talking with other guys; especially in such a scenario where I felt there may have been interest but turned into being friends (which is totally fine by me!) and seek advice of trusted friends about how to communicate with you without seeming lame or clueless. No doubt they wouldn't approve of me sending this to you right now but I don't care.

I would still hope, despite what is a less-than-mature action of petty name calling on the part of my friends and I, that we can remain friendly; and perhaps see each other on occasion. At the very least, perhaps a source of mentorship as I grow my own company.

So anyways man, that's all my cards on the table for you. Maybe I'll hear from you again sometime. Wishing you the best J****...

To which, he responded:

"Hi A***. Thanks for your candid and open note. It's very mature of you to be so frank and I appreciate it. Let's stay in touch as I would provide providing some business mentoring to you. You're a very smart man and I enjoy sharing my perspective whenever I can. I will hit you up when I get back. Cheers."


(Sidenote: I'm growing my small business, Mr. Questionable runs a very, very large business. In any case...)


So, where do i stand? Am I being played? What the fark kind of game is this? I don't even know if this the realm of being a player or messing with my head, or just straight-up crazy?! I'm beyond confused...

[basilandthyme]

ah1990, my rule of thumb is that if I don't trust someone's behaviour, I cut them off. I suggest you do the same. Don't write him a goodbye note, just stop responding to him.

Life's too short to waste on people who are questionable.

[Valixy]

'I Can't Deal With These Games!'

No one could! It's surrealistic and it would drive anyone insane in no time!

He is probably very charismatic and has a lot of qualities that you admire but he hasn't got the decency to treat you right and just because someone has a lot of charisma, we shouldn't put up with lack of basic respect. I suppose it all depends on what we prioritise when looking for a partner but a genuine interest in us and the intention and the capacity to treat us nicely and fairly are always the points to start with.

While these games can give you the impression that you might have the possibility to live a very original and breathtaking relationship, you haven't felt heartbroken yet because you aren't fully involved yet, but if you let this continue, you will soon be over the heels in love with him and he will have no mercy on you. Unless you want to discover how much you can suffer, you should stay away from him, have no contact with him and look for a partner that is genuinely interested in you and willing to try to make you happy. You aren't anyone's toy and you should care more about your emotional happiness, after all, your well-being depends on it.