Everything was great until BANG!

[Foreverloved]

Sorry for the essay everyone i hope this post gets read. I have been on other cites and my posts are always ignored i am hoping this will be the one as i am in need of help.

Background on relationship:
We were together for 4 years off and on we have broken up for a month before over something stupid. This time around I broke up with him. We had a good relationship usually we were perfect no fights nothing from the months of May to September but once school started for me that's when things start to change because I don't have as much time to see him. I would still try twice a week but he was never happy with it. He got a new job and car but he couldn't work during the winter so he had a lot of stress in making car payments and started to get really distant i didn't like it this brings me to.....

The Breakup:
Happened on St Patty's day we were fine all day and even up until that day we hadn't fought in a good month and we were working on our relationship. I was sick with a bad fever and texted him that night. He was out with his friends at a bar and the first thing he texted me was we need to talk. I said about what and his response was "we've been trying so hard for the last month to work on us and nothing feels different and i don't think i have the same feelings for you as i did before." I was hurt and confused because the working on a relationship takes more than a month also we weren't seeing one another enough to work on it due to school for me. Also he wasn't trying i was the one taking us on dates making the sacrifices in my schooling to see him so i was angry and broke up with him due to all of this. I was also confused because he has been bugging me to move in with him (and his parents) and that night he said he couldn't live with someone like me. So i am very confused by what the hell happened and if he really meant what he said or if all the stress in his life was getting to him and taking it out on me was his way of dealing with it and thinking it would go away? Any Advice on this would be great as i cant move on i feel until i know or have some kind of reasoning for it.

The last few weeks until now:
The first two weeks i was great i didn't care couldn't care less never thought about him nothing. I even went on two dates with another guy that's over realized i wasn't ready to be in anything serious again and i didn't find him attractive. Anyways, He unblocked me on Facebook which i found odd and out of the blue this started to get me thinking about him again and since then I've just been a mess. I have had urges to text him all the time i cry at night now and i can't get him out of my head. I don't understand why he unblocked me and why i feel this way going into three weeks later. I have gone to the gym, been working, doing school work like crazy to catch up, hung out with friends done everything the books say that will help. And nothing has i just want to talk to him. I have set a goal if i still feel this way by the time May hits i may text him just to see.

I need to know what other people think of this or have any advice to help me or answers to my questions.

[pcmaster]

Looks like you both gave up and some point and ever since flame never went back to full strenght. Im sure he misses you too but then again what have changed in the way you both see the life?

Im sure he misses you too and you both could get together for x period of time and then brake up for same reason.

If you still keep looking at his pics on FB then you will never forget him. I think you should just spend a day chating on FB and talk it all over to be able say goodbye properly.

[michelle23]

My first instinct is that he could have cheated on you. He was out that night right when he text you and said you need to talk? When someone does a complete 180 like this-its normally a sign of guilt. Its weird that one day he was saying he wants to live with you and the next it was over. That does not add up. Anyway if he has cheated-you are better off without him. I cant think of any other reason why he would have just given up when you were supposed to be trying to fix it.

You are doing all the right things to get over him but you have to understand it is not going to happen over night. You need to stay strong and be patient. It will get easier in time. Dont contact him. There is no point-it will just hurt you more and if he has cheated-you dont want to give him the satisfaction of thinking that he means anything to you.

It sound like things were not working for ages so its probably for the best. You will meet someone better for you in time.

The same thing happened to me years ago. Out of the blue one day unexpectedly he dumped me and I was like WTF. Then he tried to get me back and It wasnt working so I dumped him.. A week later I found out he cheated on me and that is why he put on the breaks. He didn't have the balls to tell me the truth coz he knew I would break up with him and he also new I would hate him for it and didnt want that..

[Wakeup]

When a relationship is "on and off" its natures way of telling you that you are NOT with the man you were meant to spend the rest of your life with.

When you're the only one trying to make a relationship work, then its natures way of telling you you're not with the man you were meant to spend the rest of your life with.

When a guy tells you that he no longer wants to let you do all the work to try and make a relationship a happy and healthy partnership, it's natures way of...

You want to talk to him because you've not accepted that nature worked it's course and she was right, you two were not meant to spend the rest of your lives together. Once you accept that, then you'll be on your way to not wanting to talk to him. In fact as time goes on, you'll become indifferent to him and you'll not have this urge to break No Contact which is THE best way for you to go cold turkey from your addiction to having him in your life. That's all it is, an addiction.

Stop stalking his facebook and YOU block him. It will stop you from getting in the way of nature and your own emotional healing.

On and off ~ Not good.

[Foreverloved]

I haven't stalked his Facebook i just noticed he unblocked me because pictures he has of me suddenly reappeared on my fb that disappeared when he blocked me also when i msg someone and go into messaging his name pops up from when i spoke to him last time on there. That's how i figured it out. I know not to look at his fb because it will just hurt more so i have refrained from doing so.

As for the cheating he doesn't deal with guilt well at all. One time he just talked to a girl and flirted a bit and had to tell me right after because he couldn't deal with the fact he flirted with someone else. So i really don't think he cheated i would know he would have told me. He sat too close to a girl friend at one point and told me the next day hes really different from other guys.

Im just a little confused because the last time we broke up he had me blocked for weeks then unblocked me and a week after that he texted me so im wondering if he will repeat the same pattern. Even though i broke up with him this time.

I would eventually like to sit down with him and talk about it since it ended so abruptly he didn't even respond to me when i said i couldn't be with him anymore so it was left kind of open ended. That's why i want to give it a good while before i do so i can actually speak to him and not want to try again. But he always wants to try again not matter how much time has passed. Really wondering if things will be different this time. And i think that is why its harder to let go.

Thank you all for your advice.

[michelle23]

Its on/off though and you argue a lot. Its a lot of drama and hurt and stress... A relationship is not supposed to be like that.

If you really want to talk to him-do but it will probably hurt more. You could just say you dont like the way things ended and youd like to meet him for coffee to talk and finish on better terms and then wish him luck.

If you want to try and get him back-its unlikely to work because you both feel insecure due to all the breakups and you have set a pattern in motion which is difficult to change. If you are going to try to make it work-it has to be all or nothing and you cant break up unless you really mean it. Its stupid to dump someone out of anger and you are just breaking their trust in you.

[Wakeup]

But he always wants to try again not matter how much time has passed. Really wondering if things will be different this time. And i think that is why its harder to let go.

Doll, you sound so pathetically hopeful when he's a turd who very much sounds like he's dumping you to be with someone new and then when it doesn't work out, (or he gets bored with her) he calls up old faithful (you) who waits around for him no matter how shitty he treats her. On and off relationships are about convenience, codependency and fear of being alone and addiction to the status quo and they have very little to do with love. You deserve to rehab from your drug of choice known as "flakey boyfriend who doesnt try and never changes" and then finding someone more suitable for you when you're healed. Don't keep being his old faithful. It's sad to read what you allow.

Why are you so keen to be with someone who lets you go so often? If he really loved you the thought of you being free for some other guy to grab up wouldn't allow him to keep dumping your ass.

[sofaraway]

WakeUp, there seems to be a regular theme to you advice... the poster usually is called pathetic and/or sad... they shouldn't put up with anything their partner does under any circumstances regardless of any detail, the poster is always codependent and fears being alone. WakeUp, not everyone fears being alone and there are other reasons why people stay in relationships than your overly simplified concept of 'codependency'. Often a person may want to stay with their partner because of the feelings they have for them regardless of arguments or other events that may transpire. They may want to stay with them even though it's not in their best interests. This does not indicate codepdence or fear of being alone. It's easy for you to tell people that they shouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them, but that's not really helpful or something that they will actually do in reality. It's not unhealthy or abnormal to want to be with someone because you love them. Perhaps the fear of being alone and codependence is your issue and you assume it applies to everyone else? I've seen you write these same reasons in multiple threads now. It's not strong or brave to be fine with being alone or to do it out of some misguided principle.

@Foreverloved, it is normal after 4 years to miss your partner. It takes time to adjust. That said, I believe the on again and off again relationship you have, together with the month breakup followed by a time of not being able to see each other lead to him growing apart from you. Unfortunately that can happen, especially when two people are not living together or do not work together or need to have daily interaction. You might feel like it happened out of the blue, but by the sounds of it, it didnt.

You will get over this, however life is short. Don't waste time sitting around wondering if he's still interested. If you miss him, text or call him. There is no medal for holding out and being alone for the sake of it. Don't worry about people saying you're codependent or scared of being alone because for their own reasons they don't think anyone should put up with anything as they are speaking from bitterness from their own past hurt. The worst that can happen is that he says he doesn't want to be with you. Don't bother with games, just be upfront, tell him how you feel. If he doesn't feel the same way then you will just have to live with that and move on. The heart-ache will subside and you will eventually find someone else and not care about this past relationship. Good luck

[Wakeup]

I didn't read more then the first line of your post because it's painfully obvious that You don't understand because you fear being alone so badly that you think it's better to be in a situation where one partner is being treated badly because it's better than being alone. You have an addiction to being mis-treated and that's all you must know if you think she should keep trying with this man who keeps giving up on her.

It's unconscionable (IMO) of anyone to advise people who are not in happy situation but keep going back to it to continue in that vein. You made a huge mistake with your advice in TableandChairs thread with your fear of letting go philosophy. Thank all that is good that she isn't codependent and didn't listen to you.

It is sad that people are too afraid to be without people that don't even make them happy. If you can't see that, then that's on you... and often CD's dont even know why they don't want to let go of a piss-poor situation. You obviously do not see.

BTW: I didn't call the poster pathetic or sad. I called her continuing to hope pathetic and her life of off and on sad.

[basilandthyme]

Foreverloved, the first thing I have to point out is that the title of your post is very incorrect. Everything WASN'T great. There were fights and being on and off. Managing a month without fighting is insignificant. Instead of continuing to re-nurture this relationship on your own, you should have taken the hint that he wasn't into you anymore. Him not bothering to organise dates etc was a giant clue.

My guess is that he let his hair down on St Patrick's and realised how uptight and miserable he'd been in the relationship. He realised that he'd fallen out of love and that no amount of work was going to make it good for him. This relationship is over. It's time to work on accepting it.

[michelle23]

Sofaraway it is normal yes to want to be with a person you love but sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes you have to ask yourself what do i love about this person and what am i getting out of this relationship and if the bad outweighs the good-the healthiest and most positive thing you can do is walk away.

If it starts to feel like a battle ground or if your hurting more or angry more than your happy what is the point in dragging it out any further.

Co-dependency is when you are miserable but you stay and keep hoping it will get better and give chance after chance but refuse to give up on something that should have been over a long time ago.

Many of the people that come here are in co-dependent relationships and we give them advice based on our own opinions and what we feel we would do in there shoes.

As far as i no wakeup is in a healthy happy relationship and has been for over 30years (maybe more) so i think her advice should be respected coz she clearly knows whats necessary to have a great marriage.

Ya shes harsh and blunt but so what? Shes also right a lot of the time and i am known to be quite harsh and blunt too when i feel its necessary but sometimes people need a reality check and to see their situation through other peoples eyes and if i think someone is a doormat i will tell them in the hope that will sink in at some point and theyl grow a backbone and make some positive changes to their lives

[Foreverloved]

I thank everyone for their advice you all made some really good points. Sofaraway and michelle23 i really liked how you were gentle about it i also am going to call him not to get back together i am definitely done but just to end things a little better and less confusing then we left it. i think this will help me in moving on i believe its one thing holding me back.

basilandthyme just wanted to say thanks for the time reading my post. the Title was more to get people to read it i found on other forums when id put more accurate titles no one would respond. But we were also working on things and from my stupid point of view i thought it was working but what everyone seems to be forgetting or most is I DUMPED HIM! so he wasn't the one to realize what life could really be like. Also my ex went out and partied every weekend the entire 4 years we were together i never held him back so he knows what it is like to be able to have freedom and let his hair down. Id go with him occasionally but most of the time i let him do his own thing.

Wakeup some harsh advice but i get it people do need kicks in the butt sometimes. you made some good points however, I dumped him for reasons that yes made me unhappy but i wasn't unhappy if that makes sense. I loved him so much still do i always will he was my first boyfriend and only boyfriend ive ever had. I experienced a lot of firsts with him, now im not lingering on the past we've had our fair shares of issues but i wouldn't say i was unhappy at least not all the time. When we would argue yes obviously when he would do something i hated yes id be mad but id tell him.
Lets just say im starting to think that what i did that night was very hasty he was wanting to talk about it in person and i jumped the gun but i was also really sick with a fever when this happened and just seeing that we need to talk when we see each other next made me delusional in some ways. Now thats not an excuse for me to get back with him but it is a reason i feel we should talk.

When we got back together last year he said hed never dump me again and he didnt we havent broken up in the year until i did it three weeks ago. So its not always him being the heart breaker.
Im not trying to make excuses if it sounds like that to anyone just trying to point things out and add more background i do really find this helpful everyones input makes me see it more and more that we just should cut our losses and move on.

[michelle23]

You can learn from this OP and this whole experience will make you stronger and hopefully make you set your standards higher for the next relationship.

Im sure you did have your great times and happy memories and its hard but make sure you never allow yourself to be in an on/off mess again.

In future-tell yourself (and new bf) if we break up once-thats it-its over and mean it. Breaking up and getting back together normally leads to insecurity, trust issues, fear of rejection etc until it eventually just leads to another breakup and each time it gets worse and worse until you drain each other and have nothing left to give.

Dont make the same mistakes again

best of luck to you xx