Is this an 'emotional affair'?

[The_Brit]

Okay so I know I've got some grief for my other threads but I'm in an unfamiliar situation and I just don't know what's going on or what to do. Someone mentioned emotional affair so I've done lots of digging and I think I'm that third person involved...

I want to keep her as my friend regardless and I know she does too, she seems to tell me all her deeply personal stuff and then say "Don't tell him I told you.", we talk on the phone for hours late at night and she always deletes her call log and our conversations so he doesn't find out. She calls me whenever she's upset because he's not giving her what she wants and at first I kept thinking, I'm just being a good friend listening to her but now from my research I've understood "We're just friends." is a lie! She's committed and wouldn't leave him because she obviously thinks she needs him despite the fact she said the bad overbalances the good. It's not my relationship to get involved in so I'm starting to think I'm getting out of my depth. She confides in me telling me she hasn't told anybody else. She says "He used to call me for hours but doesn't any more." is she using me to get the things she's missing from her own relationship? She's told me that I just understand her and I've said the same, we've texted telling each other how much we mean to each other and I initially have just been happy supporting her but the more I've thought about it the more I'm wondering. I'm 16, she's 15, he's 17... Is this an example of an emotional affair?

I see her twice a week and can't avoid that so I can't just ignore her neither do I want to... What should I do? Explain to her what how I'm feeling about the situation? Our relationship won't go anywhere physical but I don't want to screw up their relationship because I've read about how bad emotional affairs are, how shall I go about this? Help please!

[sofaraway]

Yes you are correct. She is using you for support and your in the friend zone. That said..you are all young and young people are fickle in love. I dont consider this an 'affair' because r'ships at this age are fleeting. I think focus on her as a friend and find someone who is available to be your gf rather than waiting in the wings.

[The_Brit]

Thanks sofaraway! They've been together 2 years and I don't want to split them up for my own greed but how do I get out of this situation? Confront her or???

[sofaraway]

People in r'ships often use other people to vent about their issues. It doesnt mean they want to be with the person they are confiding in. I think you should continue to be there to listen to her problems if you are happy to do that as a friend. If it makes you uncomfortable then you should tell her that and say you can't talk about her relationship anymore. Otherwise if your fine with it, theres no need to say anything, just continue to be her friend.

[bearz]

People in r'ships often use other people to vent about their issues. It doesnt mean they want to be with the person they are confiding in. I think you should continue to be there to listen to her problems if you are happy to do that as a friend. If it makes you uncomfortable then you should tell her that and say you can't talk about her relationship anymore. Otherwise if your fine with it, theres no need to say anything, just continue to be her friend.

^ Pretty much what sofaraway said.

As long as you keep it at a friendship level and don't get involved with her you'll be fine. Just make sure you keep a safe distance and find yourself a girlfriend.

[The_Brit]

I'm happy to just carry on listening to her and supporting her but if her boyfriend knew we chat on the phone for hours at a time he wouldn't be best pleased! These phone calls have been like every night and she cried her eyes at one time, like I said it's not my relationship to intervene with but then again how am I supposed to just go along with it when someone I trust more is feeling like this, I don't know what to suggest to her and I don't want to fall out with her boyfriend as we've been best mates for several years!

EDIT: The other thing I would add is that right now I really can't but bothered with a relationship for myself right now :p

[overanxious]

girls will use other guys, especially early on in a new relationship, because they dont want their actual partner to know that they have issues/baggage

when me and my ex of 2.5 years brokeup i tried to remain friends...i tried to block out what she did to me and didnt want to believe it...when her mother cursed her out and called her out for being a bad/irresponsible person....she called me crying...of course she wasnt going to tell her new bf that the same issues i had dealt with for 2.5 years was plaguing her

[bearz]

You're her emotional tampon right now. As long as you don't get attached to her and strictly see her as a friend that's ok. Many people have an easier time confiding in someone of the opposite sex (depending on the issue obviously). For example, I have a much easier time talking to a female about my issues.

Those phone calls you are having, is it strictly her wanting to vent, or is there more going on? Are you flirting with each other?

[The_Brit]

You're her emotional tampon right now. As long as you don't get attached to her and strictly see her as a friend that's ok. Many people have an easier time confiding in someone of the opposite sex (depending on the issue obviously). For example, I have a much easier time talking to a female about my issues.

Those phone calls you are having, is it strictly her wanting to vent, or is there more going on? Are you flirting with each other?

She's definitely a talker, half the time I can't get a word in edgeways! Sometimes she's venting or sometimes she's just calling to say hi but we don't even really flirt with each, as a matter of fact she told me last night that an old boy bestfriend suddenly came out with "I love you." and went in for a kiss and she pulled away and it ended their friendship so I know the line which I'm definitely not going to try and cross. I prefer to tell a female my problems too and she's mentioned how she gets annoyed because he can speak to girls but he wants her to himself although half the time he acts like he doesn't want her. I guess I'll carry on looking out for her but let it go no further than that

[michelle23]

I think this is an example of an emotional affair yes but in saying that you are all young so your still learning whats okay and whats not.

Tell her you dont feel comfortable with her keeping you a secret and lying to her boyfriend. If they are having problems and shes unhappy she should be talking to him-not you.

Tell her its wrong for you and her to be so close and you cant be best friends anymore. Its for the best. Your focusing too much attention on a girl who is not your girlfriend and its a waste of time. Any girl you meet who could be a potential gf will not like how close you are to her and you will miss out.

If she cant be with you as your gf-then stop this now

[michelle23]

The reason you dont want a gf now is coz ur in denial about ur friendship and you subconsciously want her but wont admit it to yourself or anyone else.

Nothing good will come of this.

[The_Brit]

Hmm contrasting opinions but it's nice to see it from another perspective Decisions decisions! I don't want her out my life and I'm cool if she wants to talk and all that but I think I'll try for a happy medium that suits me without getting myself in any trouble!

[sofaraway]

Let's be clear..youre in the friend-zone. She is using you to vent. That does not mean she wants to be with you. She doesnt want her boyfriend to know because he would think there was something going on even though there isnt. If you can truly listen to her vent as a friend then carry on, but the fact that you are still talking about this makes me think you want something more with her and you think that her confiding in you means she does too. It doesn't. As bearz said, she is using you as her emotional tampon. Thats what friends are for. It wont lead to anything more. Sorry to be blunt.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't think you're in an emotional affair - I think you're her male girlfriend. Totally friend-zoned.

Be aware that her BF will likely find out, and boys that age are often prone to work things out physically.

[The_Brit]

Well I think I've got my answer on this one to be honest, thanks everyone for your views - Much appreciated! She probably does look at me as that 'gaybestfriend' or whatever you want to call it so I think I'll just distance myself...