Uncomfortable with his gal pal

[Wakeup]

Yes, I understand that but I'm saying I don't think sleeping in separate beds is conducive to getting their relationship back to normal. The longer they don't bond, the wider the wedge is hammered between their own emotional connection. No matter what a couple is going through, that old adage "never go to bed angry at one another" is a wise one.

[michelle23]

I agree with Wakeup on this one. he is spending one on one quality time with her and lying about it. Hes cheating on you. Even if nothing physical has happened between them (yet) he is cheating emotionally.

If I were you I would start planning to dump his ass now. Ring all your friends and their friends and say you need a room mate to move in asap to help pay your rent and bills. As soon as someone agrees to move in, pack up his stuff, throw it out and change the locks.

If you cant do that. Move into the spare room now until the lease is up and you can move out then. Tell him its over.

You have to break up with him. Even if it is only to shock him into reality so he knows his behavior is not okay. His reaction will tell you for sure if hes messing around or not. If he runs straight to her then you will know your instincts are right.

Then get on with your life without him. If he loved you and respected you and had empathy for your feelings and if nothing was going on between them-he would have done what you asked and stopped "hanging out" with her after work. You deserve better than this crap. Next time you meet a bloke make sure his work schedule is similar to yours

Good luck xx

edit: to say sorry I only read page 2 after I wrote this response. For me the damage would have been done the first time he lied but anyway if you think you can trust him go ahead but id say hes a bad nut and needs to be thrown in the bin.

[searock]

Yes, I understand that but I'm saying I don't think sleeping in separate beds is conducive to getting their relationship back to normal. The longer they don't bond, the wider the wedge is hammered between their own emotional connection. No matter what a couple is going through, that old adage "never go to bed angry at one another" is a wise one.

I agree, but the thing is, she doesn't yet know if she wants things to go back to normal. She needs to be sure that she can trust him first.

[Split_interests]

My goodness the world is a scary place. Boyfriend hangs out with friend who happens to be girl = threaten to break up with him? This shows a complete lack of trust. Your basically saying, "I don't trust you not to cheat on me with her." You either trust him or you don't, and if you don't trust him not to cheat on you, don't date him.

Significant others saying, "Choose between me and your friend." is just diabolical. Trust each other, make each other happy. How is anyone going to avoid resenting someone who makes you abandon your friends?

[Wakeup]

You either trust him or you don't, and if you don't trust him not to cheat on you, don't date him.

Trust has nothing to do with this. You can trust till the cows come home however; I fear you have no clue as those are the words of someone who has no relationship boundaries in place. When someone has no relationship boundaries in place, then shit happens. To continue to DATE in the guise of hanging out, is a very fundamental relationship boundary that is being crossed. It's disrespectful to the primary relationship and it certainly tells me why the divorce rate is so high now a days. Thinking this way OFTEN leads to emotional affairs which then leads to a wedge being driven between the primary partners emotional connection.

Just how many serial monogamous relationships has the person that thinks this way actually been in? Things that make you go "hmmmmmm."

Adding:

I agree, but the thing is, she doesn't yet know if she wants things to go back to normal. She needs to be sure that she can trust him first.

What motive does she give him to do what she asks when she's shut him out?

[michelle23]

My goodness the world is a scary place. Boyfriend hangs out with friend who happens to be girl = threaten to break up with him? This shows a complete lack of trust. Your basically saying, "I don't trust you not to cheat on me with her." You either trust him or you don't, and if you don't trust him not to cheat on you, don't date him.

Significant others saying, "Choose between me and your friend." is just diabolical. Trust each other, make each other happy. How is anyone going to avoid resenting someone who makes you abandon your friends?

Hes spending one on one alone time with another woman. Drinks in a bar late at night-that sounds like a date to me and it is not cool when he has a gf waiting at home for him. It is cheating no matter how you look at it.

Wakeup is right. There has to be boundaries and lines that you dont cross to keep that trust you speak of. Emotional affairs happen a lot. Look it up. Men and women cannot be friends. Not best friends that act like a couple half the time. It is not normal and it is how affairs start.

Even if he thinks its innocent and that they are "just friends" he could easily start to develop feelings for her and start thinking the grass is greener. That is where the trouble starts

[Split_interests]

Okay, so by your logic any time you and someone of the opposite sex go and do something alone it's a date. Anytime you spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex you risk an emotional affair.

Solution! Never ever hang out with just someone of the opposite sex! Who cares if that means never having a close talk with your best friend again, her fault for being a girl!

"Honey, you can't hang out with your best friend anymore. It's not that I don't trust you with her, it's just that you having any deep and meaningful relationships with someone with a vagina will somehow destroy our relationship... Because... it's bad?"

Okay, I admit to still being confused at how refusing a close friendship with anyone of the opposite sex isn't just hurtful, sexist, untrusting nonsense, but I am totally willing to be enlightened.

[Split_interests]

Men and women cannot be friends. = Screwed up statement of the day. I am checking around the internet for scientific research now though, so I am taking you seriously and looking into it as asked.

[Wakeup]

Okay, so by your logic any time you and someone of the opposite sex go and do something alone it's a date. Anytime you spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex you risk an emotional affair.

The point is, it can happen and it's disrespectful to your SIGNIFICANT other. If you run with scissors you could fall on them and stab and kill yourself, so you just don't do it. (even though it won't happen that you fall every single time you run with them) Common sense.

Solution! Never ever hang out with just someone of the opposite sex! Who cares if that means never having a close talk with your best friend again, her fault for being a girl!

When you choose to have friends of the opposite sex then the dynamic of that relationship needs to change once you are in a committed relationship. If the only difference between your romantic girlfriend and your platonic girlfriend dynamic is sex, well then you are indeed dating two people at once and it's totally unacceptable to MOST partners to have that and be quite fine with it in their relationship. Ever hear the saying 'I was the third wheel?" Have you ever seen your parents hang with members of the opposite sex alone while your other parent stays at home alone? Pfffft.

"Honey, you can't hang out with your best friend anymore. It's not that I don't trust you with her, it's just that you having any deep and meaningful relationships with someone with a vagina will somehow destroy our relationship... Because... it's bad?"

Grow up. From that line, its easy to see that you've not yet been in any relationship of meaning.

Okay, I admit to still being confused at how refusing a close friendship with anyone of the opposite sex isn't just hurtful, sexist, untrusting nonsense, but I am totally willing to be enlightened.

Read and learn. We are human and most of us are hard-wired to view our relationships as possessive.. those who are not monogamous have a different conditioning. When you have a partner who you can see spending the rest of your life with (if you are monogamous in nature) then you will NOT like her giving up time with you to spend with him at a show, or at dinner or at a bar drinking or hanging out on his couch and smoking dope together for that matter (you sound like a stoner so I thought I'd throw that in)

You can keep your opposite sex friend, but now she becomes your other halfs friend as well and you all do things together. Win/Win. If she's that close to you, then you're already emotionally involved. It'd doubley worse if this opposite sex friend was once a FB or FWB.

[michelle23]

Its a waste of time Wakeup-hes probably 15 and doesnt understand committed relationships yet. Hell learn eventually...

[Wakeup]

Its a waste of time Wakeup-hes probably 15 and doesnt understand committed relationships yet. Hell learn eventually...

Probably, but I'll wait to see how he responds to a reasonable explanation before I settle in to that assumption.

[VincenzoG91]

Okay, so by your logic any time you and someone of the opposite sex go and do something alone it's a date. Anytime you spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex you risk an emotional affair.

Solution! Never ever hang out with just someone of the opposite sex! Who cares if that means never having a close talk with your best friend again, her fault for being a girl!

"Honey, you can't hang out with your best friend anymore. It's not that I don't trust you with her, it's just that you having any deep and meaningful relationships with someone with a vagina will somehow destroy our relationship... Because... it's bad?"

Okay, I admit to still being confused at how refusing a close friendship with anyone of the opposite sex isn't just hurtful, sexist, untrusting nonsense, but I am totally willing to be enlightened.

The lack of trust would come if you won't let your girlfriend join you when you are hanging out with your female friend. Or if you are talking about your girlfriend behind her back with your female friend. Or if you are spending time a lot of time alone with your female friend. Or especially if your girlfriend expresses discomfort about the female friend, but you won't end the friendship because you value it more than your relationship with your actual girlfriend.

The reason you're confused is because you are selfish and lacking in both empathy and common sense.

[Maple1714]

Men & Women can not be "friends". Eventually the "friendships" fizzle out or they stay strong until the day the relationship is taken to the next level.

No matter what...if a man and a woman get close enough, that possibility of taking the relationship to the next level is always there. If you are in a committed adult relationship where you are going down the path of becoming life partners, there is no room for the emotional love for another. It takes a lot of energy and time to be in a committed relationship and if any of that time/energy gets shifted to another person your current relationship will suffer. This happens when people have kids for example...so much energy/time goes to taking care of the child/house. Relationships between the parents always suffer to some degree...so much sometimes they dissolve completely. It's just the nature of things. You will always get less out of something (relationships/work/exercise...anything) if you shift the energy and focus to something else. This is why relationship boundaries are important. They are taught to most of us through religion, our parents, society etc...from an early age. This OP has the power to set her own boundaries, express them to her BF and if they can't come to agreement it's time to move on.

[searock]

Solution! Never ever hang out with just someone of the opposite sex! Who cares if that means never having a close talk with your best friend again, her fault for being a girl!

Your best female friend should be your girlfriend, not somebody else.

I second what Wakeup said about relationship boundaries. I don't think that you can't be friends with an opposite sex person, just that your interactions need to be subject to certain, pretty intuitive, rules, if for whatever reason you do NOT want anything "romantic" happening between you two. Common sense rules, really. For example, don't go on dinner dates alone with your female friend, don't watch a movie alone with her at home, don't communicate with her every single day, etc. Common sense, as I said.

[Wakeup]

Your best female friend should be your girlfriend, not somebody else.

... Awesome! ...