Breaking up with Someone Over Sex

[HDI]

Hello,

Mods, I hope you are okay with me posting this in the breakup section too as at the end of the day, I think it is a breakup with no resolution. I just would appreciate a ladies opinion.

This is difficult for me to write as this is something so personal to me so hopefully I don't rant or get too unclear. So, I will try and keep things to short concise sentences, I don't want you gals to think there is no emotion behind what I am saying.

EDIT: I am so sorry, but this turned out to be a long post haha TLDR at the end.

A met a woman nearly 3 years ago. We became friends to good friends to best friends. She was with someone for a couple of years, her first lover. He was essentially a very bad person. He treated her badly, turned arguments against her by using her deceased younger brother. "Swear on his life", that sort of thing. I only mention it because of the severity of how bad this man was. Sadly, she was brain washed as she has said herself. She has had rough aspects to her life as you can imagine and he was the only thing she knew to make her happy, which she was with him for a while.

I come along and we become best of friends in no time. Very close, confiding in eachother, winding eachother up, being absolute best friends. As her relationship gets worse with the boy friend, she realises she has feelings for me. I had feelings for her for the 2 years previous. She realises she wants to be with me, indicates that we will be together then pulls back and get with the fella, breaking my heart but we stayed best of friends as I understood what was wrong with her. So, she had a yo yo effect going on with this fella.

She eventually leaves him for good. Months later she "re"realises her feelings for me, we move really slowly as we are best friends and want to tread with care. We finally got together last Summer but just before I move away for a year for University, which was her trigger to realise her feelings and fall for me.

We are soulmates at this point. Her friends tell her that I am the only one that they have ever seen make her laugh the way she does. Her parents love me and tell her that they could see me as a son in law. She is over the mood in love with me as I was with her. I am sure when you tell people about your soulmates or the person you felt the closest to that "you cant imagine how close we were" or something to that extent and that is the type of thing we had.

After I moved away for university, she was extremely sad and was missing me a lot so I surprise her by flying over to see her and she flipped out, saying that it was too much and that she wanted us to just be friends. She was acting unreasonable too which meant that I didnt actually want to go see her. When she visits me a few weeks later, all that came down and we shared a bed in our arms and were back where we were before she reacted badly. Since then, whenever we saw eachother we were being physical. Not intercourse but everything else. We were sending raunchy messages to eachother too.

Last month was about 4 or 5 months since we first got together. The night before we had sex, she thought I was coming to see her after being away for about 2 months but then she realised that I actually never said I was, because I couldn't at the time. She realised just as she had been getting her place ready for me, cleaning etc. She said that she just got it stuck in her head that I was coming to see her, and she was really sad over it. So, I surprise her later that day. It is about a 2 to 3 hour journey between us so it was a reasonably big deal to see her in the context that was in it.

The next morning, she was really up for having sex and to be honest, where I felt that we were in the right place, that morning I don't think I was ready. Took me by surprise and I was always going to be nervous and self conscious. I was feeling better the night before but she was tired and I guess I was tired and groggy when we woke up and we stared fooling around.

So, bad sex happens, I am not the greatest. I am good at the oral and finger side of things without getting too graphic but for the actual intercourse, I was nervous, inexperienced and I am not the most well endowed person with a length of around 5 to 5 and a half inches. I had a lot going against me. She lied to me, to save my feelings by saying her hip was sore, something she had all her life and told me stories of how it affected her. I believed her, I didnt cop on to how bad the sex was till later that day, before she broke up with me. In this context of ignorance I asked for a blowjob because I was always very prudish about saying these types of things in person, where I could say it over text. Something which she said I should try and adjust because its always fun to be able to talk about it. Anyway, she really took offense to that and attacked me over it over text a week after she broke up with me. She still did it but she said that I had used her and degraded her. When I realised the actual context I apologised so much and made it so clear that I didnt realise.

She breaks up with me that evening saying everything was wrong. I try to fight for us, saying the things I said here and that it was something we could work on. She said it didnt matter. Everything was wrong. I thought that maybe she just didnt feel a click or a spark but she then questioned whether I was a virgin and she was hostile towards me when we talked about it. I had told her my experience before, and I remember as it takes a lot for me to tell a person that (besides strangers on the internet :p). She told me she never loved me.

I am in utter limbo or turmoil or, just confusion.

I loved her with all my heart. I would do and did everything for her, and we were so close. So perfect. But now it is over only because of that morning and I do not know why we had to finish over something that at the end of the day is just experience and me being nervous and self conscious at this sex that came of as a kind of surprise.

This happened in January and I made a big effort to go see her this week in a production she starred in and later that night I saw her chatting up another guy.

I don't know how this could of happened and the main thing is for me, when I do feel like I hate her I wonder how I can ever get close to someone knowing that my soul mate would dump me over being bad in bed. And when I feel like I still love her, I wonder how could I ever forgive what she has done to let us to get close again.

I am more likely to do the latter but I doubt that will ever happen.

That is that for the post. Where I was able to find a humour to be able to tell you all this I am beginning to feel low now and, in that mood I guess this post would become an even bigger mess then it is.

I do appreciate any advice you can give me. I have moved away from home to do a very intense university course for 12 months, no breaks in between semesters. I am lonely. Our relationship was a reason to go on and do it. I am in ruins at the moment, facing serious problems to getting the qualification I felt I deserved before the breakup. If I can let this ruin it, then I do not deserve a good result but I hope you understand what I mean.

TLDR version:
Best friends with a woman
We get together after a year of toing and froing.
We are soulmates, best friends. Lovers.
She knows I had sex only twice before.
We have sex for the first time, I am inexperienced and nervous.
She spares my feelings by saying she had a sore hip so we stopped having sex, believing her I asked for a oral and she gave it.
She breaks up with me that evening, questioning if I was a virgin.
She attacks me about asking for oral the next week. Once I realise that she was sparing my feelings with the sore hip, I unreservedly apologise about that.
Our friendship lays in ruins.
I am going from anger to depression, if my soulmate can leave me over this then how can I ever get close to a woman again. I understand the oral thing but I thought it was a pure mistake.

So many thanks to you all for reading all of this. You are very good people to give your time to a forum like this.

[michelle23]

She didnt break up with you over the sex. I think shes emotionally unavailable and was never gonna be yours.

You and she were having an emotional affair while she was with her ex. He was her reality-you were just a fantasy which became a rebound. It was never gonna work. She was never sure about you, never committed and she obviously has issues since she put up with all that crap from her ex for so long.

Sex is rarely ever good for a woman unless you know her body well and what she likes. Thats y we need so much foreplay, touching and oral coz sex will always be hit or miss even with the most experienced partner who knows her body inside out.

Let me repeat-she didnt break up with you over bad sex, she was never yours and never will be.

Stay away from taken women in future and stop trying to be their best friend. Only gay men get that priviledge. If you like a girl-have the balls to ask her out before she puts you in the friendzone

[HDI]

Thanks for the reply.


There was about 6 months difference between her ending with the ex and us getting together but I agree, it seems like I was just a rebound.

Your having balls comment is unfair given the situation but there is always going to be a difficulty getting the whole story across here.
She is leaving all the blame on me for what has happened which I don't think is right as the worst thing was all based on misunderstandings but what you say about her using me is interesting. Ill have a good think about your reply.

Thanks again

[Ann S]

This isn't about sex. Lovers are patient with each other. Lovers don't shame each other, they talk their needs out and practice makes perfect. Just because this girl wasn't patient with you, why would you take this incident and say, "I can never get close to someone knowing that my soul mate would dump me over being bad in bed." If, in fact, she was your soul mate, she wouldn't have acted as she did. I think, "closeness," needs to be investigated by you. I wonder if you know what the real meaning is? People who are close don't walk out on each other. Sexual issues are openly discussed by people who love each other. I hope you go find your REAL soul mate and you two can discover great sex together! If this girl is how you describe her, she seems shallow and you sound like the type of person who deserves better. Good luck to you. Ann

[HeartIsAching]

He's reposting because he didn't get answers he liked the first time around:

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/79138-Breaking-up-over-Sex?p=884532&highlight=#post884532

[michelle23]

Your having balls comment is unfair

I didn't mean to offend you with that comment. I was trying to give you a reality check. You closed in on her knowing she had a bf and stuck around, became her best friend in the hope that shed leave him for you and then you could both sail off into the sun set together like two peas in a pod. Real life doesn't work that way my friend. In this situation-if she is stupid enough to dump her ex for you-99% of the time-you will just be a rebound regardless of how good in bed you are or not.

[Valixy]

Obviously, this girl has had difficulities and emotional problems but she has also been selfish and unfair with you all the time. You loved her, were patient and supportive and thought that things would improve in time, but they have gotten worse. I agree with the others, she was never the right person for you because she has never corresponded your feelings as you need and deserve. We can't save others unless they want to be saved and are ready to do the work and sacrifices in love have a limit. When the other person lacks the minimum maturity and stability, or common sense to appreciate who you are and what you do for them, it means that you do not mean enough for them.

The sexual encounter you both had was not the reason for her breaking up with you. I think she is not over yet over her past relationship and she can't be emotionally or sexually with someone else soon. Apparently abusive relationships do that to some people. Unless she is honest with herself about this, she will repeat the experience she had with you, proving to be uncapable of getting involved emotionally and sexually with someone else, and looking for a lame excuse in front of that reality, like when she told you that she had a sore hip. Then she loooked for a quick way out from your so called relationship, and she could only do that by blaming you for not having enough sexual experience or that you used her.

She was never available for you, first because she had a boyfriend and when she broke up with that guy and started a relationship with you, she also behaved on several occasions like someone who doesn't really love you and want you in her life. Her feelings for you have never been as real and deep as you would have liked, she had moments when she felt love for you, or was afraid to loose you, but I doubt those feelings were joining her during the day, she might have felt that on certain moments only, which explains her mixed signals and contradictory behaviour.

I think you tried and tried a lot, more than many men of your age would do, but she has never been responded to your feelings in a similar way and ended up rejecting you and offending you. Do you think you deserve this? Nobody says that a relationship with a soul mate, should be a continuous bliss, but true love from both sides is a basic requirement.

You have been honest and invested yourself emotionally in this relationship, while she was always undecided, lied and offended you. I think she doesn't love you and you should move on. As impossible as this may sound to you right now, this was just an important learning experience for you to discover the healthy parameteres of the kind of love and relationship you would like to have in your life. A love that is felt and shared by both parties and where people don't have to prove anything on their first sexual encounters, except the fact that they are learning to love each other's bodies too and are willing to enjoy perfecting this physical love in time together with other aspects. Good luck to you!

[Valixy]

I also think she has a lot of work and learning to do before she is ready to have a healthy relationship with any guy that would come her way.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This is what happens to orbiters. Even if you are lucky enough to get a chance, it's not because the object of your affections really wants you.

It honestly sounds like you could have just been bad at sex and she didn't want to coach you.

[HDI]

He's reposting because he didn't get answers he liked the first time around:

Please take a look at the time stamps of the posting of the two threads.

Your post count and join date imply a maturity which you haven't made use of in these threads.

Think twice, post once.

[HDI]

I didn't mean to offend you with that comment. I was trying to give you a reality check. You closed in on her knowing she had a bf and stuck around, became her best friend in the hope that shed leave him for you and then you could both sail off into the sun set together like two peas in a pod. Real life doesn't work that way my friend. In this situation-if she is stupid enough to dump her ex for you-99% of the time-you will just be a rebound regardless of how good in bed you are or not.

As with your reply and this one I don't feel your tone and content suits the actual context of the situation, which is probably down to me since it looks like it is not clear in my original post. It wasn't a closing in, we lived together for 9 months in college and certainly it was not in the hope of what you say, that is reaching a bit/

I also think she has a lot of work and learning to do before she is ready to have a healthy relationship with any guy that would come her way.

Thanks for the considerable reply. Your post makes a lot of sense with good points. With regards to Michelle23s posts, where I think they are off the mark I would agree with comments about me not realising that a rebound was probably likely. Although there was about 6 months between their breakup and anything happening with the two of us, it was on the way to happening for a while before hand. For whatever reason, on a day to day basis we were very close. Whether it was talking, texting, skyping or in person. It was when bigger things happened that she would throw a wobbler. That could be why I persevered for so long, which is unusual at my age like you say. Everything being as good and as requited or reciprocated as it was, then that could mask what was going to cause her problems when things got bigger.

Again, as you say, I did a lot and was not treated fairly so there I will only go so far as to try and make excuses for her at this point. Thanks again.

This isn't about sex. Lovers are patient with each other. Lovers don't shame each other, they talk their needs out and practice makes perfect. Just because this girl wasn't patient with you, why would you take this incident and say, "I can never get close to someone knowing that my soul mate would dump me over being bad in bed." If, in fact, she was your soul mate, she wouldn't have acted as she did. I think, "closeness," needs to be investigated by you. I wonder if you know what the real meaning is? People who are close don't walk out on each other. Sexual issues are openly discussed by people who love each other. I hope you go find your REAL soul mate and you two can discover great sex together! If this girl is how you describe her, she seems shallow and you sound like the type of person who deserves better. Good luck to you. Ann

Thanks for this reply Ann. It makes a lot of sense.

Thanks to all the contributors. It allows for a sense of stability in my own thoughts compared agaisnt others.

Stay safe.

[HeartIsAching]

Please take a look at the time stamps of the posting of the two threads.

Your post count and join date imply a maturity which you haven't made use of in these threads.

Think twice, post once.

Whether or not this post preceded the other is irrelevant. The fact remains that you did not receive the validation of your idea that you desired, and consequently tried again.

You should try thinking at least once before you post.

[HDI]

Oh dear, I feel this is getting off the topic, and for such a tiny misunderstanding.
Essentially, both threads were posted before any replies with the reason for the repost given. I have sent you a PM to resolve the confusion as I would never wish to introduce the type of negative posting behaviour which you are talking about.

Thanks,
HDI