I don't know if I've ever truly loved my wife (big long crisis story)

[ycse]

Long story here, I hope that someone can help me. I'm 27, got married to my wife who is now 33 when I was 21. I initially met her in a club and was really keen to see her again, once we'd had sex, I decided to keep seeing her as I didn't have anyone else on the horizon but I'd always be seeing if I could get a chance with other girls (nothing ever happened as I didn't go out much after meeting her so my options were limited but i've always been looking ever since - is this a typical guy thing?).

She was Brazilian and after about 7 months of going out, she was due to go back to Brazil. I didn't want to loose her as everything was going well, I offered to marry her so she could stay. In my head nothing had changed in the relationship and I still treated it like boyfriend - girlfriend, thinking if it all messed up i'm still young to move on. She'd taken it as a declaration of undying love. Everything was fine and a few years later she wanted to get re-married with a proper ceremony, I wasn't keen as in my head i've never been sure I was truly in love. I did say this to my parents but I decided just to go with it, they put it down to nerves.

A year after we got married we decided to go to Brazil to live and work. This was a disaster, after 2 months I came back, we'd kind of had a fall out (1st real one since we'd been married), basically it was down to these reasons i'm writing about but I didn't articulate it like this (I guess there is no coming back if I say I don't think I love you), I was basically being a bit of a dick as I didn't know how to put it and cast doubt over it by saying I didn't want a baby and i'm worried she'd get fat and I wouldn't fancy her (not great to say, I know).

I came back to the UK for a month, got my head together and decided i'd go back to Brazil. She was different then, felt detached, I found out she'd been sending dirty messages to some bloke back home in the UK, a few things clicked then, there were photo's of the 2 of them at the zoo and I once came home early and he was in the house watching telly. She said they'd kissed once in a club and that was it. I don't really believe that. I was so trusting, I never looked on her facebook, or cared who or where she went. I'm wondering if that was me trusting her or not really giving a shit?

Here is the kicker, I felt i'd been looking for an easy way out of the relationship all along and when one was presented to me I bottled it and didn't take it. I think many of the reasons were practical rather than love, all my mates are married and settled, how would I move on, etc. Plus as i'd just come back to Brazil for the 2nd time i'd burnt a few bridges with my old employer, etc.

We got on fine in Brazil for another 8 months or so but Brazil wasn't for me so we came back. As soon as we came back, she fell pregnant. My 1st thought was ****, no coming back from this now. That's not the reaction of someone in love is it?

She about 7 months pregnant and things have come to a head this weekend. She had one of her Brazilian mates stay over and she is such a hottie, I was blown away. I actually felt depressed when she went home. That's got me thinking i've never felt like that with my wife, I was happy to spend months apart with her in Brazil, actually looked forward to her going and didn't really miss her.

I've downloaded some pics of this girl off facebook to store in the wank bank, the wife found them as I forgot to move them on the PC and she's gone nuts and i've basically said how i'm questioning our relationship but have stopped short at saying I don't love her.

This girl is probably out of my league and it's nothing to do with her, she's just been a catalyst for my feelings.

Sex wise, our sex it good but I find i'm lazy and don't want it that often, I actually seem to prefer having a wank.

I think I got married too young and have missed out on sexual encounters, I think that bugs me. I long to shag other girls and always have. Is this just a general man thing or not?

My wife is my best friend, we get on great, never argue, she looks after me so well, cooks great, i'm very lucky. I don't think i'd find another girl like her. The other thing is, she'd move back to Brazil and i'd never be able to see my child. I don't know if i can handle that.

My dad thinks i'm the sort of person who'd never be happy and always want more, maybe he's right.

The thing is, I feel i'm living a lie and these feelings always surface when big events happen in my life.

[searock]

You are the definition of settling. You just wasted 6 years of your life. Be honest with her, she deserves to know that you aren't in love with her. Then ask her how she feels about open relationships.

[ycse]

I know she wouldn't go with open relationships, she's insecure and hugely jealous as it is (I wonder if deep down she knows I don't love her). It'd work for me i'm sure.


I am worried i'm wasting her life, she's older than me. Also, if she went back to Brazil i'd never be able to see my child.

Also as i'm inexperienced in relationships i'm not sure if I truly understand love, with other girlfriends i've been the soppy one chasing after them and they've been more withdrawn. This relationship is the other way around, maybe it's too easy and i've never had to work at it? I may come to regret leaving her, am I doing it for childish selfish reasons?

[pcmaster]

After all shes just a girl you met at the club and had child together.

[ycse]

After all shes just a girl you met at the club and had child together.

Not sure that's how i'd put it.

[pcmaster]

Than how could you live so long together and not develop feelings for her?

[ycse]

I have feelings for her, she's my best friend. Also, I thought I was looking for a way out of the relationship, when a chance presented itself I bottled it and stayed, maybe that was love?

[pcmaster]

Do you ever thought of her like only thing on your mind?
Does being with her was all that matters?
Do you liked everything about her and even bad things because they made her more balanced and perfect?
Did you had a feeling that you dont wana be with her not just one day or one week but long, long time?
Ever had a thought? - I will do anything for her !

[ycse]

Do you ever thought of her like only thing on your mind? Maybe at the very start of the relationship. This girl that was over the house this weekend has been on my mind constantly

Does being with her was all that matters? No, otherwise I wouldn't be thinking like I do. My mind may change if I left her though

Do you liked everything about her and even bad things because they made her more balanced and perfect? I wouldn't change anything about her, looks or personality wise

Did you had a feeling that you dont wana be with her not just one day or one week but long, long time? It doesn't cross my mind often, life is easy and everything just roles on. I basically only feel like this when big things happen like marriage, baby, etc

Ever had a thought? - I will do anything for her ! - Never been in that situation. I'm not sure i'd ever feel like that with anyone, i'm quite a selfish person to be honest

[pcmaster]

Looks like you loved her as much as you possibly can without changing who you are.

[vashti]

You aren't a kid anymore. Personally, I think it's time for you to grow up and act like a man, but I doubt you will. People who are selfish by nature don't usually outgrow it. Too bad, now that there's a baby on the way.

Maybe you should give yourself about a year to make any decisions, so you will know what exactly you will be giving up when you bail on this family.

[searock]

You are being so selfish. You have wasted 6 years of her life (and yours) just because you couldn't find the balls to be true to yourself. Tell her as soon as possible that you aren't in love with her, she deserves to know. Whatever happens will be the result of your own actions during the years. It's time to take responsibility.

[bcgirl]

First off you were very young and immature in the first place to even think about marriage let alone actually doing it! Anyways, you had all these years to break it off...now she's pregnant, time to smarten up! Not much u can do but just be the best father to your child and try working it out with your wife. t
At this point it isn't bout your selfish needs but when a child is involved you gotta put your ego aside and suck it up and try to make right. You say that you and your wife are best friends and get along great...well that sounds like it can work out if you didn't want to f@ck other girls. Or how bout you and your wife talk about an open marriage since you have your hunches about her cheating in the past? But don't discus this with her now that she is about to have a baby!

[ycse]

You are being so selfish. You have wasted 6 years of her life (and yours) just because you couldn't find the balls to be true to yourself. Tell her as soon as possible that you aren't in love with her, she deserves to know. Whatever happens will be the result of your own actions during the years. It's time to take responsibility.

I agree with you but i've come close to telling her today and also came closer before when we were in Brazil. I was an emotional wreck and bottled it, both times said something is wrong but have backed out at the last minute. Maybe I do love her? I don't feel I don't want to be with her at all, especially now the baby is on the way

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sleep with a couple new girls and see how you feel. She's cheated on you, so you have a few free passes. If you don't feel bad about it, just keep doing it. It will keep you sane, so you can be a better father to your kid.