Not sure how to proceed...

[goodyear81]

Ok, so some background on me... About 9 months out of a relationship (10 years, 5 of them married, now divorced). The relationship ended badly, ex wife had mental health problems and was unfaithful (this last bit was what snapped the marriage) I have a 5 year old son that lives with me. I work in education administration. I consider myself 'the nice guy', a good listener, soft-spoken. I'm very tall with a couple extra pounds but nothing a zillion other 31 year old guys don't have.

About 4 months ago I started seeing someone at work. She and I got very close very quickly. She became close to my son and we met each others families (I went to Thanksgiving with hers, she did a Xmas party with mine). We spent a lot of time together. During December she was in a very bad car accident. My son happened to be with his mother and I made it to the ER before her parents did. I stayed with her (at her request) for a few days to make sure she was ok, she cried into my shoulder every night before she fell asleep.

Around January she told me the doctors thought she had cancer, started her on 'treatment'. I tried to be supportive but she didn't give much information other than they thought she might need a hysterectomy and that the treaatment included chemotherapy. In spite of this, she continued to work two jobs and also spend any free nights she had coaching a special olympics team.

During February break (school) when my son was with his mother, we spent almost every evening together even after she would get out of work late.

Then she suddenly stopped contacting me. We would usually text each other a couple times a day, and this stopped. One friday I texted her to let her know that I would be free for the weekend. She wrote back 'Out of town with people.' I wrote back 'Where to?' She wrote 'Out of town, not around'. My next queztion was if she was avoiding me. No answer. She later told me that evening that she wanted some space because she is working so much and going to the doctor every day. I told her I was ok with that, but she needed to tell me instead of just ghosting on me.

The rest of the week goes by without any contact from her. I think that I'll just give her one text a day to say good morning or good night, just so she knows I'm thinking of her. After another week of this, I send her a text telling her I'm annoyed that she's not giving me ANY contact at all. She writes me back a couple days later telling me that I pushed her away, but nothing more than this. I text back asking how, she says 'Whatever you just dont get it.' No response to my request for what I dont get. Continue no contact (from either of us now, as I'm annoyed) for another week until another morning text 'I want us to sit down and talk, I do love you.' I tell her I'm free for the weekend, she writes back that she is 'out of town with people' for a few days and didn't know when she'd be back.

Less than 12 hours later, she asks me when I could pick my things up. I tell her any time since I'm free all week (Winter break), and she says she'll box it up and leave it on her back porch. wth?!? We had no fights. I tell her I dont really want her to do that since its snowing. I suggest I just go get them since I have a key and know where my things are, she says 'No I dont want you in my house.' double wth??? When did I become that guy? She used to happily let me in and out of her house without her there, no issues.

During this whole time, she wouldn't talk. Only text. Snapped at me once when she thought I was asking where she was (I wasn't).

A few days later she texts me, asks for us to talk. Says she doesn't hate me. We meet for dinner and she tells me she wants us to start over slowly. I agree to that, we kiss good night, and that was Tuesday.

I texted her once on Wednesday morning to ask for a certain picture of my son and her dog back (I liked it). Told her no hurry, have a good day yadda yadda. Nothing back, but she asked for space so I don't worry. Now it's Saturday, still no contact. I text once this morning to tell her that I'd be downstate with family for the weekend, but Happy Easter if I don't see you. Nothing so far.

The girl I married was the only one I was ever really with. My 'relationship sense' is awful, always has been. I can read people like a book in almost any way except this sense. Does this girl not want me? If so, why did she tell me she wants us to start over?

My instincts, dumb as they are, are screaming two things.... 1 - She's not into you anymore, doesn't have the courage to tell you face to face so first tries to text to break it off, then tries the 'start over slow' line and then fade into oblivion. 2 - She's fooling around with someone else. Since she can't even have sex due to her treatments (I believe this, we were intimate in other ways, it's just painful for her), I wasn't really leaning towards this. I was also burned this way so I don't want to jump to accusing her.

Someone help me here. I'm crawling out of my skin...

[lamobatsman]

i think shes treating you like crap but il let others who are more experienced than me take this one

[Cerby]

Well, something is up for sure, and luckily I have a similar situation that I can relate to, but it won't help you any. The woman that originally brought me to this forum a couple of years ago was someone I dated for just over 4 months. She was great, we spent a reasonable amount of time together, few nights a week, a weekend here and there, and it was awesome. One Friday we have plans, and she doesn't show, wtf right? I call her, text her, no response, no response. Nothing for just over 5 days, and then she called me and told me it wasn't working for her, that I was coming on too strong, etc. I picked up my stuff, left heartbroken and couldn't figure it out. Anyways, I find out about a month later she was playing mind games with her ex, whom she had broken up with about a week before we first went out, and now they were back together. I was a rebound and she didn't even have the decency to let me know, instead blamed me for "coming on too strong" and left it at that.

I see something similar here, probably someone else has her attention, so much so that you're in the back seat and not even being looked at. I'd recommend you get your stuff, and don't bother talking to her again. The way she is treating you is disrespectful and you deserve better. Alternatively, the accident and everything she has to do is taking up too much of her time, but that probably isn't the case as love always seems to find a way if both parties are truly interested.

[Valixy]

I think she's struggling to find a way to cope as her life started to change drastically in December and she might be able to make you a part of this process or not. I suppose feelings fade and a woman becomes conflictive when facing the possibility of hysterectomy and undergoing chemotherapy. She needs to come to terms with some very serious issues, not to mention that she may be in pain daily. She may find strength in the relationship with you or she may need to find it alone and I think you'll need to try to ask her openly where you stand and decide from there.

[goodyear81]

Thanks for the advice so far. Some additional info that might help: I picked up my things when I picked her up, right before she told me she wanted us to start over. She had put everything on the dining room table. She also included a book that was read to her when she was very little, had her name in it and everything. She said I could keep it but at the time I thought I was just collecting my things to get out of her life so I told her not to worry about it (not in a mean way).

So I have my stuff. However, I also have a key to the back door to her house. She knows this, did not ask for it back. So I'm all sorts of confused.

[sasprilla3]

This could mean a variety of things...but a few come to mind first. Shes dealing with a lot - thats already a given and i agree with Valixy here, she might be trying to cope on her own, or finding out if your part of the process...another reason may be is if the cancer is terminal, or really bad and a lot harder to bounce back from - she might be shutting you out on purpose, so you will lose interest, and if anything goes wrong it wont be affecting yourself, or your son, and she thinks that shes just going to be a problem to you and your family....i might be wrong but thats just how ive seen it..

[Valixy]

I somehow think that I ended up ignoring your problem and only concentrated on hers. She is going through a lot that is true but you are also suffering because of her attitude towards you. She is distancing herself without giving you a proper explanation, maybe admitting everything she's going through is too difficult but I hope she'll find the necessary resources to treat you fairly and tell you what's really happening. No doubt that you are capable of much love, support and dedication but she might not find herself receptive enough. You are proving a lot as a person for willing to be on her side and continue the relationship but if she doesn't feel the same I think that you should move on. This kind of circumstances would affect any relationship, sometimes making them stronger, other times simply breaking them.