Spent the night at the ex's house.....now what?

[BrokenAndAlone]

Hi everyone,

Some of you might already recognize me. I posted last a few months back about how my girlfriend of 5 years, and the girl I moved to a foreign country (Japan) to start a life with, left me which was back in mid- Jan.

To summarize where I'm at now and why I'm still lost:

Before yesterday, I had not seen her in over a month, and had not talked to her, even via text, in about 2 and a half weeks. The last time we saw each other, as I mentioned on this forum, is that I had decided to leave Japan as there was nothing left for me here now that she left me, and when I told her so, she freaked out, demanded to meet with me, cried her eyes out, begged me not to go.......but when, at the end, I told her we could talk about it, work it out, and maybe I would stay, she instantly changed her feelings again and told me maybe it was for the best for me to go back home. Was heartbroken all over again, but did reach out to her about a week later saying hello and that I was thinking of her.....and she just said she wanted time and space but "I could contact her anytime".

Jump to yesterday, which again, is about a month since we last saw each other. She tells me she wants her TV back, which is the only thing that still connects us at this point. Asks me to take a cab and bring it over to her and she would pay. Rather than argue, I said fine. Looked as good as I could and headed on over with TV in hand. She seemed semi-happy to see me, but not the happy you would see if someone missed you at all after not seeing them in over a month. Was getting ready for a night on the town with her friends. Thanked me for the TV, made me some tiramisu, we had some small talk (was pretty awkward, some pretty heavy silent gaps), and since it didn't seem like she was gonna initiate it, I went for it and just said, "You've asked for time and a break, it's been over 2 months......are there any changes? You haven't tried to contact me once and I just need to know where we stand....do you still need time, or have you reached your decision?" I also pointed out that all pictures and things of us together/connected us, were gone from view at her place, which really hurt as well. She told me she's not dating, doesn't like anybody but, simply doesn't love me anymore. Likes me, cares about me, but simply doesn't love me and doesn't have feelings. I really had to push though to get it out of her, as she hates talking about it and only responds in a very whimpering tone. So I responded, "Okay, thats it then? You want it to be official? You want to break up?" "yeah..." Probably should have just left it there, but, being as heartbroken as I was and looking for that final piece of closure, I asked, "Are you sure?"......and she said, "I'm not sure, but you're rushing me and I think it's not fair for you to wait for me". I said Okay and Thanks for finally telling me your decision.

I left, but not before she said, "but we can still be friends right, and we can still contact each other sometimes right?" She also asked if I could readd her on facebook since I deleted her before (couldn't bare looking at pics and updates of her). I simply said I don't know and left.

Again, it hurt like hell, but it felt like the book was closed. All hope, all uncertainty was finally gone and that seemed to be the end.

Went out with friends soon after to get my mind off everything and, randomly, she calls.........

I don't answer. She sends me a text asking what I was doing. Told her I was out. She said okay, sorry for disturbing. Yet, 5 mins later, she calls again. Again, I don't answer. She says she was just wondering if she could stop by my place. I resisted as hard as I could, but finally gave in and said okay. By that time, she was already home but she asked if I could come. I obliged, and I swear, all that awkwardness we had from when we saw each other earlier in the day was gone. She was very lovey dubey, arms around me, super playful with each other and again......it was exactly the type of attitudes we had when together. Eventually, I ended up in bed with her and I could tell where things were headed. We made out for a bit and she tried hard to have sex........actually begged for it, over and over, and as much as I wanted to as well, I told her it probably wasn't a good idea. I told her I still had feelings for her and I simply didn't know if we should. She begged some more, and we made out some more, but eventually she resided and I was able to hold out. She said she didn't want me to leave and asked me to spend the night. I did and again, we fell asleep with our arms around each other.

Her sister came back in the morning, so I had to sneak out as there probably would have been some explaining to do. Haven't heard from her since this morning, and now, I'm simply in a state of confusion.

Was she simply just horny? Was this simply the last hurrah for her? She had told me just hours before she asked to see me that she no longer had feelings or attraction for me, had decided to make the break up official, yet was begging for sex just hours later. Was it stupid for me to resist having sex with her? Could that have potentially brought the bond back? I just felt at the time, with my feelings as strong as they still are, having sex with her would just make me miss her more, especially if it was nothing but casual in her mind.

Not sure where things stand, if I should contact or just let it ride and pretend last night didn't happen......simply don't know. What do you guys think?

[BrokenAndAlone]

Anybody?.....

I should also mention, she has called a few times the last couple days, but I haven't picked up. Sent a txt as well, but nothing serious, just "wanted to say hi" and things like that. Again, no response from my side as I don't know how to handle this..

[michelle23]

She made it clear she doesnt love you anymore. It was just a booty call. You were right to say no. It would only hurt you more. It sounds like she has really messed with your head these past few months. You need a clean break-no contact. Every day will get easier and you will get over her.

[Valixy]

I agree with Michelle. You two had something wonderful together but she fell out of love. She might miss the relationship sometimes but there is no real turn back for her as she distanced herself too much. Obviously she still has some feelings for you and moments of attraction but they come and go and are not strong enough for her to be with you. I suppose that if you had given in that night, the next morning she would have distanced herself again. Her texting you now might be for the simple reason that you resisted her and not a proof of a re-ignited spark or deeper interest in you.

[BrokenAndAlone]

Thanks for the reply guys.

I think I just still haven't come to grips that after 5, almost 6 years together......3 years living together, being semi-engaged, knowing all of each other's family, picking our kids' names......after all of this.....it's over. Our life together, everything.....done. Just like that. The girl for last 5 years I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with is gone. Two and a half months later, I still can't seem to accept it.

I guess just stay NC and stay occupied as much as possible? These days I have no motivation to even get up in the morning.....I pray this feeling of emptiness, of hopelessness ends.....

[Cerby]

Nah bro, you don't stay and be a Negative Nancy about it, you wait for the next booty call, f*ck her brains out, and then drop the bomb that you're leaving and heading home and there isn't shit she can do about it. All is fair in love and war, right? She broke your heart and you're hurting, so get that good old revenge f*ck in and take off.

Sounds harsh, but the summary is you need to do what is best for you, and if it means going back where you came from, then go my friend. Don't stay there because she is there, she is just a piece of your past now.

[BrokenAndAlone]

Nah bro, you don't stay and be a Negative Nancy about it, you wait for the next booty call, f*ck her brains out, and then drop the bomb that you're leaving and heading home and there isn't shit she can do about it. All is fair in love and war, right? She broke your heart and you're hurting, so get that good old revenge f*ck in and take off.

Sounds harsh, but the summary is you need to do what is best for you, and if it means going back where you came from, then go my friend. Don't stay there because she is there, she is just a piece of your past now.

Thanks for the response dude.

I'm tempted to go back home.......god knows im alone and feel more a foreigner than I have the last 3 years being here. Thing is I'm trying my best not to make a rash, emotionally based decision. I have a very high paying job here.......a job I definitely won't be able to match if I go back home. It's just hard to find the spark/will to keep it going. Just no motivation. Lately so many sick days as, again, can't find the drive to even go to work anymore.

It's like I'm throwing everything away.....everything I've built.....over a girl. And it's not on purpose, I just can't really function anymore.

Such a tough situation.....

[basilandthyme]

You may be staying for the job.....but if you're taking sick days and can't find the drive to work......you won't have the job much longer. My husband just had to lay-off a contractor who was very much under performing due to a marriage breakdown. You may be better off back home.

[HeartIsAching]

Diagnosis: Attention Whore.

[BrokenAndAlone]

Diagnosis: Attention Whore.

Me or her?

[Valixy]

After a 6 year relationship being apart for two months and a half is not that long really, I mean it's quite normal that you still feel pain so don't blame yourself for it. This time when one is still testing the waters is probably the worst because you are still so exposed to feelings from the past and keeping your hopes high for a possible reconciliation. It's probably the most vulnerable stage.

But you will move on. Everybody does because nobody can or should go through that pain for too long. Each tries to find his own tools for that: no contact with the ex, looking for break up therapy, time with friends or away, travelling. I think it's a time when you should take good care of yourself and maybe spoil yourself a little bit. What are other little or big things that you really wish for and you could offer yourself the opportunity of having them or doing them? Is there any place that you would like to visit and it's accessible to you? A sports event that you would really like to attend? A quick visit at home that would charge your batteries? Volunteering? New activities help a lot and getting to know new people, anything that works for you from taking those dance classes that you never did to starting a painting, cooking or meditation course.

Many people went through something similar at some point in their life and hurt like you did. Talking about it with friends and/or strangers can be supportive and also doing things for yourself that you enjoy whenever it's possible for you. It will feel pointless for some time but it will bring you new strength, joy and interests in time and the change that you so much need.

Praying also helps.

[Valixy]

My previous post needs some editing as I repeated some of the words but I don't seem to be able to that for some reason. I hope it helps anyway.