Close friendship with aborted romantic potential - where can it go?

[nolagirl]

Hi everyone - I'm new to this forum but really need some help sorting out my feelings and path forward with a close guy friend.

**(((There's a lot of background info here, which is skimmable, but I'm more interested in others' take on the last few paragraphs/recent events...)))**


He's 34, I'm 27. Him: kind, cute, a bit overweight, generally good-natured, funny. Me: Affectionate, pretty, thin, caring, sensitive, patient.
We met almost two years ago going into grad school. We started as friends, and stayed friends for about six months - at which point he started giving me signs he was interested and eventually said so; one drunken night he got more touchy-feely and I rejected his advances. Things were awkward for a few weeks, but they blew over - he said he was "very fond of me" and I said I cared about him a lot, and wanted us to be cool. And we were! And actually ended up getting closer and being great friends.

Over last summer, though, there was an instance where we went out with friends + drank, and I ended up spending the night at his house. We shared a bed but he promised to be "good" - and so we cuddled, hugged, and shared a few kisses...and spent some of the next day in bed talking and doing more of the same. It was never overtly sexual but definitely flirty. I was uncertain/nervous after that (though I liked it) and we kind of let it go, didn't see each other for a week or so, and continued on as close friends.

There were a few more instances of sleepovers (none quite as long or intimate as that one) over the fall/winter. Early this year I started feeling open to the idea of pursuing more with him but was super-cautious and careful - as was he - neither one of us talked about things but were spending more and more time together - not always romantically/physically, but there was a lot of suggestive texting.

Two days before Valentine's Day he asked me if I wanted to come over and cuddle, and I indulged him but we kept playing it safe. It turned out that he hid from me the fact that he hooked up with an ex-fling of his sometime in January or February, and it came out in a really ugly way Valentine's Day evening. I was angry that he lied and deceived me, he said he hadn't felt confident to date in a long time, that he didn't want to mess up our friendship/dynamic, etc. He said I was the closest female friend he's had and that he hadn't had feelings like that for a friend before, and he grappled with saying something or not. We both cried.

He cut things off completely with this woman shortly thereafter. He admitted he felt "desperate" (sexually). He apologized and felt sick and said he wanted me to forgive him. We called a truce for some peace a few days after, hugged each other, and said "you're my friend, I love you," and agreed it would take a while but things would be okay.

We kept quiet for a week, but I had mixed feelings later and needled him via text for a couple weeks after, going back+forth between missing him and being bitter/hurtful/upset. I admit I lashed out a lot and said hurtful things because I was so hurt.

Three weeks after the initial fight, we spoke on the phone (I was upset anew, ugh) and I agreed that I wouldn't be hurtful anymore and we would move forward and things would be good again. He came over to a big BBQ the following night and we hung out and spoke a little and things were okay. We hung out with friends last weekend as well as this past weekend, and both times were really positive, fun, and happy.

But I don't feel right about things and feel like an emerging relationship was killed as it was tentatively finding its way.

Today I asked if we were keeping a relationship option open or not or if maybe we shouldn't try to be close friends again if we're not going to explore more.

He said we both saw bad sides of each other last month and that he wasn't harboring any romantic feelings, that it would take a lot to feel them anytime soon, but that he really enjoyed being with me and missed having fun with me as a friend.

I replied: "I don't have imminent romantic feelings but I want to get back to where we were before it was disturbed. I want to try being physically close again - I sincerely do. And I could let things rest if they don't work out that way. But I want us to try... Can we try this slowly for a little bit + give it a chance? It lingered for a long time and we have nothing to lose now. I miss you a lot and want to be close and maybe I'm confused but I think it would help us both sort it out and move forward either way."

He said, "Ok, thanks for letting me know. I need to think about that for a bit if you don't mind."

I told him that was all right, I understood, and I wanted us both to feel good about where everything shakes out.

Ball's in his court, now - but I'm feeling sad and regretful and don't know if I have any reason to hope things could work out, long run or not...romantically or otherwise. I don't know if I'm just stuck in a sad/lonely place, but I do really care about him deeply - we have both said "I love you" as friends. I'm worried about complications popping up again way down the line (despite him saying he doesn't have romantic feelings anymore, and despite my own hesitancy).

Any wise words or help would be appreciated. I really could use it now. Thank you so much.

[bearz]

I think you are both wondering about what the other person really feels and therefore you are both holding back. When he hooked up with that other girl he was technically single, you were just friends who hung out together, nothing more. I can understand how he feels terrible about it and that you were upset. But he quickly realized that it was a mistake and it upsetting you the way it did are two indicators that you both want more from each other than you are willing to admit... at least that's the way I see it. You have feelings for each other, some of them unexplored. If you call everything off you might never know and you both will be wondering "what if" in the future. You should definitely give a more serious relationship a try if you are both up for it.

[nolagirl]

That is pretty much how I see it too, though I foolishly was pretty open with how I was feeling (good and bad) in the aftermath...I was angry and hurt and said cruel things. I can see how that would be a big turn-off and/or that he's feeling stung by all that. I get the whole "I don't have romantic feelings now, and to have them would take a long time or may never happen" statement, too. I'm not sure how much that would hold in the long run depending on how things go...

I also think that the friendship has officially been "messed up" now and that the whole idea of a close friendship is difficult. He was devastated at the idea of me just withdrawing totally from his life, and I know that I am important to him (he said he would fight for our friendship and has held to it this whole last month).

The suggestion I made today is bold, yes, but I feel like that's an undercurrent that has been lingering for a while. If we continue on like close friends again - with a few months of neutral/platonic time, I feel like it's easily possible that at some point after, an opportunity to be physical would come up again and it could happen. In any case - there has always been some tension and flirty interest in this friendship. If anyone had held back or tried to discourage or keep things more careful/cautious, I was definitely the one.

I'm really upset that after everything, this all happened right as we were starting to get pretty close to a natural next step between us. I want to get to that place again, and see where it can go - if anywhere...but not sure how possible or likely that is now, or how to get there if so...

[bearz]

Your anger was understandable, even though you both weren't really clear about your feelings towards each other. What he did hurt you and you made that clear to him. You two did the right thing by talking to each other and get things out in the open. Now you both need some time to let the wounds heal and hopefully his feelings for you aren't completely gone. Don't distance yourself from him, but don't throw yourself at him either. Just take it slow and see what happens. If he still has feelings for you, he'll come around eventually.

[nolagirl]

Bearz -thank you so much. He said he didn't feel anything more than friends and that it'd take a whole lot for him to feel that way again if ever. ..I don't know if I should take that at face value or not...when I suggested trying to be physically close (and trying that slowly) like before everything was disturbed, he said he needed to think about it.

....do feelings really just go away forever so easily? He seems like someone who separates physical/sexual from emotional sonetimes. His longest relationship to date has been only four months. He and I have an intimate emotional connection; this is something I'm not sure he's actually really built with another woman before on a deeper level.

Anyway - i feel confused... and a bit scared and uncertain.

Does anyone else have any helpful input, ideas, advice? It's eating me up. :-(

[IndiReloaded]

Actually, the fact you can't be open and honest with each other isn't a good sign for either a friendship or a romantic relationship.

I had a very close friend. We developed romantic feelings for each other at a time when I was married, so I couldn't reciprocate. He did things that were on the dodgy side of friendship, particularly since he was also friends with my husband. I don't think he meant badly, he was just confused and I was vulnerable. Eventually I sorted things out and let what happened go since it was one of those situations where there was no real percentage to having the discussion. No affair, btw, just emotional stuff that let us get closer than we should have. Classic textbook near-EA stuff.

When my ex and I finally split years later, this man still wanted to be friends with both of us. I questioned his motives on this, not in a bad way but I wanted to clear the air between us moving forward. He did a major rug-sweeping on his past motives and so I ended the friendship. I was kind (he even suggested contacting me in a year, lol!) but I told him clearly that an inability to be honest about feelings is a deal-breaker for me. There is enough ambiguity in life with colleagues and strangers. Bottom line, he was too insecure/shamed to discuss it and he didn't trust me enough to have the conversation. This told me our friendship wasn't what I thought it was. One of the hallmarks of a close relationship, I think, is the willingness to be open and vulnerable. If you don't have that, then I question the depth of your friendship and/or relationship.

[nolagirl]

I thought we had been open and honest with each other....except for having the courage to address our growing romantic tension. He suppressed it because he was afraid to mess up the friendship/ the close dynamic and admitted that was selfish of him. He said he kept things hidden because he feared my disapproval/a lower opinion of him.

I understand that, much as it disappointed me, and I told him so. I was honest and shared how angry and hurt I felt that he had deceived me and lied. I got pretty mean about it. I know we both got hurt.

We've been open and honest throughout this difficult time after and in a slow making upn process.

My anxiety is about forging a path forward that is good for both of us...

[IndiReloaded]

Often the only way out is through, especially with messy emotions. The key is to do it with kindness to each other. Establish first your care for each other and everything else follows. If you can do that, then all will be well, whatever the outcome. Good luck.

[nolagirl]

I care for him a whole lot...he's one of my best friends. I feel like ultimatums can be really unfair...but I don't know how wise it is to try to have a close friendship now that all this has been put out there.

Presenting him with the options of giving a close friendship a shot with allowing physical closeness as part of it again (versus backing out of his life in a big way) was a bold move but said with care.

I don't want to drag things out any more and want to move on from this stuck place. I understand his need to think about things because it's not a light decision...and while I care about him, I care about myself too, and must move forward in some way.

Am I doing the right thing in this? Or is it too forceful or impatient?

[bearz]

It's ok to be impatient, but you can't force anything right now. If you come on too strong he'll just back further away. Are you seeing each other at all these days? Maybe do something fun together which keeps you busy and entertained, slowly build up the trust in your friendship and get more comfortable around each other.

[lamobatsman]

how can you be mad at him for hooking up if you were just friends?! he didnt lie or deceive you!
jeez imagine if this was a guy writing about a girl. he would get absolutely slated on here! why is it alwyas one rule for women and another for men?!

[lamobatsman]

if i was his friend i would have told him to forget about you ages ago when you rejected his advances. you want your cake and want to eat it too! he deserves better than you

[HeartIsAching]

how can you be mad at him for hooking up if you were just friends?! he didnt lie or deceive you!
jeez imagine if this was a guy writing about a girl. he would get absolutely slated on here! why is it alwyas one rule for women and another for men?!

I was thinking that myself. What was his wrongdoing there? That he wasn't able to read your mind and know that you were interested? Or that because he couldn't read your mind he boinked some other woman when you were friends?

[Wakeup]

It's Chastise time: I would give this lecture to my own daughter:

... and yet another "I just want to be your friend" but I'll sleep in the same bed as you and make everyone confused and unhappy. OP.. I ask you, would you sleep in the same bed with a female friend, hold her hands, cuddle with her etc? Of course you wouldn't so why do you think its perfectly acceptable to do it with a male friend?

Next time keep the sleep overs in the same bed for those you've already established a romantic relationship with. That way you'll not be giving a guy mixed signals because it's been clearly defined what you mean to one another. It's ridiculous how many stories like this we read when a chick just wants to be friends but she'll cuddle and use a guy for a human teddy bear or an emotional tampon while never committing while at the same time preventing him from finding someone who does want and is excited to be his girlfriend.

... and I totally agree with lamobatsman and HIA. You had zero right to be angry with him hooking up with ANYONE when you clearly told him you only wanted to be friends. Shame on him for not telling you to grow up mind your own business when it came to who he hooked up with.

[lamobatsman]

thank you guys!

i would have told her to grow up and stop being a jealous girl. none of her business.

she was the one who clearly gave him mixed signals. hes not a mind-reader exactly! and hes not gonna be waiting around for you for that long.
"Next time keep the sleep overs in the same bed for those you've already established a romantic relationship with. That way you'll not be giving a guy mixed signals because it's been clearly defined what you mean to one another. It's ridiculous how many stories like this we read when a chick just wants to be friends but she'll cuddle and use a guy for a human teddy bear or an emotional tampon while never committing while at the same time preventing him from finding someone who does want and is excited to be his girlfriend."
ABSOULTELY spot on this!

"What was his wrongdoing there? That he wasn't able to read your mind and know that you were interested? Or that because he couldn't read your mind he boinked some other woman when you were friends? ." AND THIS!

its funny cos if it was the guy and the girl in oppositie positions, i am sure the girl would have told him to mind his on business who shes hooking up with and that he has no right to be a jealous boy.