My fiance's strict controlling parents are ruining our relationship... advice?

[cool hwhip]

I am a male in my late 20s have been in a 3 year relationship with the girl (or better said a woman) (mid 20s) and engaged for over half a year. I have been living by myself while my fiance is still with her parents. Although we really love each other and she gladly agreed to marry me, there is an issue with her parent's (mother in particular) which seems to have a fundamentally damaging effect not just on our relationship but on her personality as well. In a bit more detail:
Shortly after we started seeing each other, I realized that her parent's are very strict. They did not allow her to stay over at my place, she had to be home on time (midnight the latest at best!). Back then I took at as a sign of good family values and went on dating and establishing trust with patience. As time gone by, nothing much changed. And the only way to spend time together (at night) was for her to either sneak out, or just not come back home, for which she would get in weeklong fight with her parents. She started to say things like they will not let us be together unless we marry. So we went on seeing each other mostly during the day, with once in a blue moon sneak outs. Later I started noticing that she sometimes lies to them about working or studying while actually being with me and getting caught lying to me several times she confessed that cuz of all these crazy rules that she can't yet stand up to, she developed a habit of lying to avoid trouble back in a teenage-hood... Again, having a good understanding of her situation, I did not take it too serious and both of us continued to dream about being together soon, once she finishes Unv (she is into her last semester now). I was going to propose after she graduates but decided to do so last year in hopes that her parents will take me more seriously and give us a bit more freedom to be together. But nothing changed, I think it made things worse as her mother clearly hates me (from what my fiance says). She is not allowed spend a night with me, my gf still lies to them half of the time we are together, and again got caught lying to me about little and medium things here and there. (I just don't want her to turn into a compulsive liar and bring this horrible habit into our relationship and future marriage).
Whenever I try to encourage her to stand up for herself and start making adult decisions, I get an aggressive response on my lack of understanding and she should obey her parents. Sometimes she even bring up what her mother thinks of me, things like arrogant and self-centered (first time in my life someone thinks about me this way)
The whole situation frustrates the F*** out of me and makes my blood boil inside my brain. We are adults and have all the right in the world to be together engaged or not! damn it... She says that after graduation she'll be ready to move in with me, but Im just starting to realize that this transition from being under constant and unhealthy control and in complete obedience to easily leaving her home and parents won't happen over a weekend...
How should I go about and handle this situation? I am running out of patience, reasoning and feelings at this point. I am losing confidence in myself as a man, in my head running over reasons why I may be not good enough or is it that my girlfriend is just nowhere near ready for a commitment.
Any advice and feedback is appreciated!

[warriormaiden]

She sounds like she's afraid to leave the nest. This may be a security issue. Or, I know of alot of students who tend to put up with their parents crap, because they need help with their tuition and living expenses. Are her parents paying for her schooling?
Thats probably why she's playig this game.
As long a she's living with them, she's going to continue to do this.

[cool hwhip]

Yes they are paying her tuition but then take all the money from two part-time jobs she has. So you saying just wait it out? thnx

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Call off the wedding. Tell her you're not marrying her until she stands up to her parents.

[michelle23]

Okay when someone has a crazy strict upbringing like this-they usually become quite rebellious and get into all sorts of trouble once they get some freedom or she could end up being just as bad as her mother when she has children of her own. On the other hand she may become too easy going with her children and let them do whatever the hell they want and she has been thought that she has to lie which is unhealthy.

The girl will need counselling after finally getting away from her crazy parents but they are her parents, she loves them and will always feel attached to them on some level so you will never have them out of your life.

I dont think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who has such an unhealthy upbringing unless she gets some counselling before you get married.

[michelle23]

Plus she is not really an adult-not mentally or emotionally coz she has been wrapped in cotton wool all her life and smothered so bad she will not know how to stand on her own two feet or be independent.

Other than the obvious issues you mentioned. What is she like when you are alone together? Is she bitter, angry, selfish, manipulative, sexually repressed, depressed or does she seem normal and healthy when she is away from them?

[cool hwhip]

@BackUp, I am thinking about doing so if she does not move out (and in with me) after her last final exam. she says its the last thing that keeps her living with parents.

@Michelle, thanks for your input! You are very right about the whole thing being awfully unhealthy at his age...Gosh, I just imagine her reaction if I insist on her getting prof help before the marriage (!!!!). Every time I approach this topic (gently), she explodes in anger and denial. don't give me ****ing advises! You are not a girl! Things were much easier for you! I have a special family that you just don't understand! and so on....
She is much better with me when we are alone together for longer than a day. We happened to spend several back-to-back days together few times, and she becomes more calm and warm to me even on the next day, the way she talks even changes, more womanly. However, the majority of the time its just few hours together during the day or evening (back home by 11!). She is defntly more irritated and stressed when talking to me on the phone from her house, but why wound't she be when she gets a treatment of a 14 year old.

[cool hwhip]

don't know what happened to my previous post, so once again:
She is way better, warmer and more alive (actually smiles and laughs) when she spends a day or two with me. When she stays home or if we haven't been together for a decent amount of time (not just a hour), she is more irritated and gets mad easily...I do see your point!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Why would you propose in the first place if this was an issue? What do you think being married to her will be like? Do you think her mom will just all of a sudden mind her own business? Have you thought about rules for visitation?

[cool hwhip]

Hey BackUp, expand on "rules of visitation" pls..
You are right about being married with issues like that. I don't know why I proposed without dealing with this....no good explanation. I thought about it for a month, then did it. I was never married or engaged before, so I was just following my 'heart and rationale' package that I have. I also thought it would ease all the tension and mistrust towards me, and positively affect her. We have this plan (blurry but still something) that she will just leave home once she's done Univ. Especially everytime she's having fights with her parents, she seems to be determined to do so. After things cool down, she is basically back to being very passive and obedient.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't really have any visitation rules, but you would be very wise to come up with a reasonable time limit for how long friends/relatives can stay. If her parents live close by, I would put that limit at 1 night for them. If you are paying all the bills, and it sounds like you will be for the foreseeable future, I'd put that limit at a few hours until they show you some respect.

Truthfully, you should just tell her you're not considering getting married until she is less dependent on her parents. Since you can't go back and not propose, you could also just leave it as an open proposal, and if she asks about setting a date, just tell her she has to show that she can stop her parents from interfering in your relationship before you will set a date. Your life is going to really suck if you keep letting this go.

[bearz]

She needs to grow up before you marry her. Even if her parents are paying for housing, tuition, her car, her clothes, her food, for whatever... they have no right to be that controlling of their child, and she needs to stand up to them and have a serious talk. This isn't healthy for her and your relationship. There is nothing you can do besides talking to her and getting yelled at, and then hoping she does something about it. But from the looks of it that's highly unlikely. I think you're pretty much screwed at this point. Things might get better over time, but the fact that she isn't willing to stand up for herself and your relationship is definitely a big warning sign.

[cool hwhip]

Oh ok, that's what it means . It doesnt really apply to me cuz we don't live together yet and her family never visits. I also haven't been invited into her house for ages now. I was invited over few times before, and all i heard at the table was her mother lecturing me on what I should and should not do as a MAN and how I owe it to her cuz Im dating her daughter. I never made any negative comments about it, kept it to myself. Eventually, after multiple runaways and coming home late, they stopped inviting and communicating with me. Oh well!

You are right on the ballpark with your second paragraph, this can't be said anybetter than that. There is nothing to call off, as there is no date set yet, BUT no marriage until she gets her parent's off her back! thanks mate.

[michelle23]

Does your gf work at all? Has she considered getting a part time job and moving in with you until she finishes college and gets a real job? Shes in her mid 20,s and shes enabling her parents to control her whole lufe and dictating about her future because shes so dependant on them. They are wrong to smother her so much but you or she cant change them and you cant change her. She needs to do something about her situation. You should call off the engagement for now and see if she can actually function as an independent woman before making any more future plans. Otherwise she could go from being dependant on them to dependent on you and you also need ti see if her parents back off once she finishes college. You cant marry her if her mother is always gonna be there in the background trying to control her adult daughter. She will just stress you out for the rest of your life and your marriage will be a nightmare

you have a lot of decisions to make. You need to have a long chat with ur girl and tell her things have to change-otherwise u cant see a future

[Woods]

She needs to be out of their house. Whilst she is under their roof it's their rules. Once she does get out, she needs to stand up for herself and set boundaries with her parents straight away. If she isn't prepared to do this, or comes up with excuses when the opportunity arises, then I'd seriously reconsider your relationship. Else you risk having her mother sticking her nose in (and succeeding in doing so) every five seconds.