anyone deal with narcissitic partner

[overanxious]

I dated a girl for 2.5 years....I always sensed something wasnt right....but couldnt put my finger on it...i actually always protected her image and never sought any advice during the relationship....after it was over and venting someone pointed me in the direction of reading up on narcissim....and i was startled....it was like someone hit the nail on the head and I had no idea

now ive read some horror stories...and mine wasnt quite as bad overall....since i was still dealing with a somewhat sweet girl.....but the damage is long lasting and hard to firmly grasp....its really painful.....never had a felt so special...and things were so great and i had found everything I was looking for...i felt like the special one.....but unfortunately i could never get this girl to get out of the honeymoon/peter pan phase and move towards a mutual/adult relationship....i made tons of sacrifices but could never get many in return.....there were still things done to make me feel good/special.....but never what i wanted and needed...and when i made it known i got waterworks, lashed out agaisnt, and at times sometimes even a recognition of what i needed and a willingess to give it only to have it be forgotten about a week later or so....

I had previously been told by my ex that her previous bf was mean to her and criticized her and she broke up with him.....after ours ended i actually contacted the guy just to see if any of the same issues i had he had encountered....to which he confirmed for me and that he had to end it......i actually almost ended our relationship several times but kept trying to work through it and believe there would be change and a return to the early days(my ex would even say towards the end "i wish we were like we were when i first moved down there"....to which I would say "thats the easy part...falling in love and having that bliss..but eventually we have to move forward if were going to build a life).....but there was never any effort to put us first....no financial accountabilty and responsibility shown.....and sometimes i feel like I was the victim of catching her at a time when she felt so abandoned(i think her previous bf did it without any hints or warning).....and i was the perfect victim for her to get her new supply from.......in the early stages of us being broken up i tried to remain friends....and i watched as her and her new supply were in the early stages of a realtionship and shed post the same exact quotes and song lyrics that she did when we were first together about how happy she was...so im fairly certain there will never be any sort of change in her....but sometimes im scared there will be and that i was just the perfect victim to give her supply after she felt abandoned.....and that i was just sort of the guy in between....its very painful and plays with my mind still to this day

[michelle23]

How long have you been apart? You should look up emotional abuse and seek closure. Try counselling. It will help you to move on.

You had a lucky escape. Shell never change and shell make the next one miserable too. You need to focus on healing emotionally and mentally so you can move on with your life and in time meet someone worthy of you.

[Wakeup]

....but sometimes im scared there will be and that i was just the perfect victim to give her supply after she felt abandoned.....and that i was just sort of the guy in between....its very painful and plays with my mind still to this day

Don't worry about your ego telling you any of that. If you've read about true narcissism and/or boarderline personality disorder, then you know its got nothing to do with what you did or didn't do or what position you happened to take between the last lover and the next lover... She's going to be the same way with ALL of them. Even if she gets the therapy that she needs, it will be years (maybe even never) until she improves who she is and how she acts. Did she have an abusive childhood? Issues of abandoment by one or the other parent?

You might want to search out support groups/forums for those coming out of relationships with NPD and BPD. She's left you with low self-esteem, insecurity, remorse and feelings of inadequacy when she was the one that was all those things. Someone with a mental illness like that will drag you down before you can ever fix them up.

Get your own therapy either through a professional therapist, through reading, through support groups/forums for surviviors or, all of the above.

Here's a place to start Op: http://www.bpdcentral.com/support-groups/

Or google "support groups for spouses or ex's of borderline personality disorder" and search for something on your own.

Good luck.

[overanxious]

she definitley showed all of those traits when we were together....low self esteem and all that....she would cook a huge meal for me and her family at her parents and wed all sit down "sorry guys this is way too salty i put way too much salt in it" when it was fine...like she was looking for reassurance....and of course wed all supply her with "not at all its terrific"...insecurity was definitley there.....shed always be going through my phone to see who i was talking to....even though i never had the slightest inclination to wander.....wed be out to eat and shed like to sit by my side instead of across from me sometimes....thered be times where shed be like "if that girl looks at you one more time im gonna beat the shit out of her" in a mini rage....

I dont think there were any real signs of physical abuse although im sure there was some physical discipline....i think therse was some fear of abandoment issues.....when we first got together she kept a picture of her and her parents from when she was 2...before her brother and sister were born...she would joke "thats when life was good"....looking back it makes sense.....she even once told me "i hope i die before my parents" which kind of startled me.....i probably should have noticed things were wrong along time ago....but i just kind of figured it was the inner child in her that we all kind of have a little of....just thought hers was a little more extreme.....i even called her on that comment when i was complaining how her incessant need to please her parents was getting in the way of us growing together....and shed say "i was just kidding when i said that"...but she wasnt...........i told her to go back home and take a job there when we lived in my hometown because i knew she missed them...and i figured if she was near her parents shed be more comfortable and productive.....and i eventually moved up there for her...i thought that would make everything better and change.....and not two months after i got there she got "fired" from this good job.....weeks before she had complained how she didnt like it and she was applying at a different place in the same field....she said "i hope i get this job because i dont wanna go back"....when she didnt get it(they hired from within)....she miraculously got fired a couple weeks later.....and instead of seeking out something first to maintain financial stability she just decided she didnt want to do it anymore....and i was still nice about it....when i returned home it had been 2.5 years she hadnt paid a dime in rent....or to feed herself at all really....and she still didnt have a dollar to her name or a bank account.....i kept thinking i could eventually steer her in the right direction

i sacrificed alot....and i was very generous....and even when i pointed those things out when she was sad or upset with me....it was still never enough ...."you dont send me flowers"..."you dont post about me on fb or tell everyone how much you love me" type shit.....which makes sense.....the constant need for the world to know you are loved...its pretty sad someone cant accept what they do have

i dunno...i sort of almost feel bad.....but i cant.....its still a painful experience to pour so much of yourself into someone and be left with nothing....ive even been out on dates with several different girls who all wanted to go out with me...and they could all tell that im just not ready even though i tried.....they all told me the same thing...they can tell theres something not right with me right now.....

[michelle23]

you are unemotionally unavailable right now which is normal after a breakup. You need to focus on healing emotionally. You will be okay, you will get over her. Get some counselling-it will help you and keep busy.

[overanxious]

you are unemotionally unavailable right now which is normal after a breakup. You need to focus on healing emotionally. You will be okay, you will get over her. Get some counselling-it will help you and keep busy.

i agree....im focusing as much on myself as I can...and trying to get better....but its still so hard.....my thoughts revert back to good memories....even bad ones...just wondering why....even though i have the answers.....i still sit and wonder why what seemed so perfect just was never going to be perfect...and like i said i have the answers....but it doesnt seem to get any easier....im afraid counseling will do the same....it will tell me what I already know

theres a saying "if you want to know where your heart is just follow your mind when it wanders"......when im not occupied(sometimes even when I am and I hear a song that reminds me of when we were together) my mind just wanders back to it all.....and it makes me very sad...i tear up even in public places and have to fight it off.....fighting off the memories of the perfect times and good times....

[overanxious]

heres another thing that wears on my mind the last few days...its pretty silly and crazy....but....we arent friends on fb...we are blocked...we have no contact....but i occasionally check her twitter account every couple of weeks for no good reason....she hardly ever tweets....maybe like 5 in the last 5 months total....and theyve all been kind of negative....

she always complained about me(not publicly) that i was mean and made her sad and cry(it was really just me telling her what i needed and how she made no effort to give me any of it...and telling her she isnt the perfect person she thinks she is)

so the other day randomly i saw she had a new tweet....it said "sad but true...-with a link to a pinterest board quote"

the quote said "no one ever gets tired of loving. they just get tired of waiting, apologizing, getting disappointed, and being hurt".......and i couldnt help but wonder what that meant......i realize that theres about a 1 percent chance she was thinking of me....but i kept thinking maybe for a second she did...more than likely it pertains to her now and her new bf...which still makes me laugh....because i know shes going to go through the same day to day struggles there too...up one day ...down the next....and the cycle continues

[Wakeup]

im afraid counseling will do the same....it will tell me what I already know

did you check out the support forum boards and that link, overanxious? You need the support of those that have been through it and can actually relate to the damage that she's caused your own self-worth and confidence. You were dealing with someone with a manpulative mental illness. You can't expect to recover from that all alone. Staying with her as long as you did point towards your own codependency issues and perhaps White Knight Syndrome wherein you erroneously thought you could fix her by just being incouraging and supportive of her insecurities. Time to try and forget about her and work on YOU.

[overanxious]

did you check out the support forum boards and that link, overanxious? You need the support of those that have been through it and can actually relate to the damage that she's caused your own self-worth and confidence. You were dealing with someone with a manpulative mental illness. You can't expect to recover from that all alone. Staying with her as long as you did point towards your own codependency issues and perhaps White Knight Syndrome wherein you erroneously thought you could fix her by just being incouraging and supportive of her insecurities. Time to try and forget about her and work on YOU.

solid advice there...and i agree

ive checked out some forums...and read alot of horror stories.....and some of them actually make mine pale in comparison...actually alot of them.....see the thing about my relationship is that there was alot of good in it.....it just got tough when i actually had my own wants and needs in the relationship that werent what she was already giving.....she was a great caretaker....cooking/cleaning...loving....but the minute you tell her shes not already everything you need or want it became a show.......and in all honesty i thought threatning to leave might finally get her to realize what i needed.....but id always try to smooth it over....i believe if i had just bitten the bullet and kept my mouth shut that things could have been ok(but of course thats no way to live)....if i was just ho hum hey you do what you want and im still going to love you everything would have been fine and dandy.....thats her ideal of love...accept me for who i am to hell with personal growth and change.....

[Wakeup]

Narcissists think it doesn't get any better then them so they can't fathom why you'd question them even when their limitations, selfishiness, immaturity, gaslighting (by continuously saying things like I didn't mean it that way, you're mistaken) are obvious to outsiders, those negative personality flaws are'nt visible to the narcissist/boarderliner.

Those horror stories are only worse then what you went through likely because they kept trying to fix and they stayed in the situation for years of whittling down of their own identity and self-worth.

You are so lucky to be out of what you were in. When the day comes that you can appreciate that, you'll be that much more dating savvy and you'll never let someone like her into your life again. BUT, (big but) if you don't fix your need to fix, you may very well pick somone exactly like her again.

Do look into support groups, forums for survivors and codependency/white knight syndrome. Now is your opportunity to become the confident man and good picker of women you were meant to be.

[Wakeup]

heres another thing that wears on my mind the last few days...its pretty silly and crazy....but....we arent friends on fb...we are blocked...we have no contact....but i occasionally check her twitter account every couple of weeks for no good reason....she hardly ever tweets....maybe like 5 in the last 5 months total....and theyve all been kind of negative....

she always complained about me(not publicly) that i was mean and made her sad and cry(it was really just me telling her what i needed and how she made no effort to give me any of it...and telling her she isnt the perfect person she thinks she is)

so the other day randomly i saw she had a new tweet....it said "sad but true...-with a link to a pinterest board quote"

the quote said "no one ever gets tired of loving. they just get tired of waiting, apologizing, getting disappointed, and being hurt".......and i couldnt help but wonder what that meant......i realize that theres about a 1 percent chance she was thinking of me....but i kept thinking maybe for a second she did...more than likely it pertains to her now and her new bf...which still makes me laugh....because i know shes going to go through the same day to day struggles there too...up one day ...down the next....and the cycle continues

Stop creeping any of her social networking sites and trying to figure her out. You were with her, in person, for how long and you couldn't even figure her thought process out or change her in anyway. Don't think you will ever be able to figure out what she's on about. It will just drive you as nuts as she is.

[overanxious]

Stop creeping any of her social networking sites and trying to figure her out. You were with her, in person, for how long and you couldn't even figure her thought process out or change her in anyway. Don't think you will ever be able to figure out what she's on about. It will just drive you as nuts as she is.

true...its a bad habit...but its getting less and less as time goes on

[Wakeup]

Just keep in mind that everytime you look, its keeping her forefront in your mind when your goal should be to keep her out of your head until you get to the point of indifference to her. Don't let her stagnate you from moving on.

[Ann S]

OMG! I am a specialist in this! Adoration is the name of this game. One has to keep feeding a narcissist's ego in order to remain in their good graces. Do you know how exhausting this is? I guess you do. And the painful thing is, there is never a, "YOU," in the relationship. Everything's all about the narcissist! I encourage you, no, BEG you, to get some therapy about this. If you have a tendency to like narcissistic women, your love life is going to be hell. Did you grow up with a narcissistic mother? Examine that. Narcissists don't want to change because they see no need to. They use people, drain them, and then move on. This is not consciously done. Read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ann

[michelle23]

All those feelings and emotions that your experiencing and your mind wandering to memories and making you cry is grief. Look up the five stages of grief. What your feeling is normal but it will get better. You just need to go through the grieving process and in time you will feel strong again. Its normal to wonder why and go over and over it in your mind. Even when you are completely over her-you may still look back at bad memories and try to form conclusions in your mind. Youll always have thse memories but one day you will look back and think "man i had a lucky escape with that crazy bitch"

all you need is time, surround yourself with positive people that care, make new friends, join some hobbies, focus on work, exercise, do a course or study and remember it wasnt your fault.

You will be ok. The only way is up and in time youll meey a woman who is beautiful from the inside out who will be the complete opposite to your ex and youll be very happy together

you deserve happieness and you need to count your lucky stars that you finally got away from someone who made you so unhappy. Try to stay positive. Life is for living and you have a great future in front of you. Embrace it

its okay to feel sad sometimes but try not to dwell on it. Lean on your family and friends when you need to