A woman "dumper" view on things

[getupkid49]

I'm just trying to clear my head a little on what's going on with my x girlfriend.

She broke up with me because I basically acted like I wasn't in a relationship with her. I never cheated and she never suspected me of cheating, I never talked to girls behind her back or anything but I didn't pay much attention. I didn't really show that she was my girlfriend.

We dated for a year and had been broken up for over a month now. She says she wanted space and time to think but has been in contact with me since, will text me once a day for a brief conversation, every day or every couple days.

I do want her back and last Monday we had a face to face talk with me giving her my side and feelings in our situation and exactly how much she really means to me. But I'm confused because before we had this talk (it was at her request, she got tired of me texting her my feelings and wanted to hear it in person) she was somewhat "cocky" and had an arrogant tone to her conversations, but after the talk she seemed to be somewhere else. When she texts me she's hot and cold, if she even texts me at all. If I text her, she's usually cold, giving me short answers almost as if she's annoyed I texted her.

I've asked her several times if I should just move on but she tells me she just wants time to herself, to think and clear her head. Last week, maybe two days after me and her had our talk, my best friend texted her, asking what was up. He told her that I'm supper bummed about our situation and that I know I dropped the ball and I'm trying to make this work out. She told him she knows and that she cares for me so much but just wants time to clear the air before she jumps back into a relationship with me, potentially getting hurt again.

I just don't get her behavior. If she really feels that way, why be so emotionless and cold? I could see this if she were talking to somebody else but word on the street, from her and many others, is she isn't trying to move on. She hasn't been trying to meet new guys or date any and she doesn't have a history of being "easy" so she doesn't randomly hook up with guys either.

So basically, when a girl dumps her boyfriend for not acting like he cares about you, keeps contact with you albeit loose contact, isn't trying to move on, is thinking about going back out with you but isn't sure but is very cold during conversations...what does this all mean? When we do talk, which is getting infrequent at times, I just act supportive or nice and never show I'm losing my temper, just so we can keep our conversations light. I just don't know if i'm being played with or if she's being genuine.

[basilandthyme]

I'm a woman and I can't begin tell you what is going on in her head.....I'd never do to a man what she's doing to you. This girl is dangling you like a string. She's got you on hold and doesn't care how it's making you feel. While her wariness is understandable, her behaviour is not acceptable.

I suggest you take back control of the reigns. It's the only way to regain a sense of control of your own life. In short, how long are you willing to be let yourself dangled as something she may or may not pick up again in the future?

If I were you, I'd be taking a binary approach with her. On or off. If she wants to have you in her life, you will be a boyfriend and make huge changes. If she doesn't want you as a boyfriend, then break up and go no contact. It's time for you to show some strength and self respect and get some parameters around how you will be treated. And frankly, I'm confident in saying that most women would have greater respect for a man with boundaries than a man who allows a girl to walk over him.

[shesjustnotin2u]

The thought that your significant partner is ashamed or embrasshed of you and doesnt claim you to others is the worse feeling of rejection and hurt. As though she is not good enough for you. We all know were not perfect but to be accepted and loved for who and what we are is whats most longed in a relationship. I think shes deeply hurt by you actions and is slowing creating space between you both. She probably needs time, as well as you too, to think how you both feel about eachother and whether you value the relationship. She also probably feels like she is not the girl of your dreams and slowly detaching to avoid being hurt at the end. If you want to keep her, let her know how you feel. Communication. Remind and reassure her that you are there for the long run. You have to mean it too. If its not a serious relationship and you never saw a potential anyway, spare both your feelings from hurting more in the long run and let her go.

[getupkid49]

The thought that your significant partner is ashamed or embrasshed of you and doesnt claim you to others is the worse feeling of rejection and hurt. As though she is not good enough for you. We all know were not perfect but to be accepted and loved for who and what we are is whats most longed in a relationship. I think shes deeply hurt by you actions and is slowing creating space between you both. She probably needs time, as well as you too, to think how you both feel about eachother and whether you value the relationship. She also probably feels like she is not the girl of your dreams and slowly detaching to avoid being hurt at the end. If you want to keep her, let her know how you feel. Communication. Remind and reassure her that you are there for the long run. You have to mean it too. If its not a serious relationship and you never saw a potential anyway, spare both your feelings from hurting more in the long run and let her go.

When we had the talk I apologized and told her everything I feel and why I acted certain ways. Although I don't like not knowing what's going on or where this is going, I cannot expect her to make a decision so quickly because I want her to. I personally think if she heard me out and made a decision to take me back right then and there that it would be unwise, I could have just sold her snake oil and she wouldn't even know it. As of now I'm concentrating on myself and myself only, I'm not looking for other women and she will see this hopefully reassuring her idea that I wasn't interested in her because I don't think it would be a good idea for me to date other women when I want her. My point is really, that although it may take some time for her to think this sort of situation through, why treat me as if I'm not important..that's where I wonder if she stopped thinking and made her decision to not take me back.

[smackie9]

I know exactly what she is thinking. She is pissed off that it had to come to her breaking up with you to see if you were willing to change for her. You didn't acknowledge you needed to change until it was too late. Now it's a month later and what have you done to convince her you are willing to be the BF she wants you to be? Not much I'm assuming. Have you sent her flowers? or a sweet card or tried to do something romantic for her like sending her a picture of you holding a sign saying "I love you"....anything? That is what she is waiting for....to prove to her that you are worthy of being with her. She is looking for some grand gesture from you.

[getupkid49]

Her birthday was a week or so after we broke up and I left her a bouquet of flowers and a hand written letter at her door and she said she wished I was there to give them personally. The letter was short, wasn't a love letter just a happy birthday I miss you type. The mistake I have made up until recently was every time we'd talk I'd bring our relationship up which would make her mad and start an argument. I still would "remind" her how much she means and everything up until we talked, same thing after but I kept our relationship out of it. If she would text me anything I'd stay positive and supportive, hopefully showing signs of change. I also am trying to show that she is what I want and her only. I just hope her lack of communication is because she is thinking.

[smackie9]

She probably wants you to squirm a bit.

[getupkid49]

She probably wants you to squirm a bit.

Well I look like a worm on a hook but I refuse to show her that. I commented on one of her Instagram photos saying she looks beautiful and she texted me saying thank you and was very brief but still nice. Im trying to pop up enough where I can be like hi Im still here but not up her a$$.

[Prime39]

Stop sending flowers, texting and all that! She needs to miss you before she can want you back! She has all the power right now. I've been where you are. My ex dumped me. I did all the things you've been doing the first couple of weeks, until I snapped out of it and realized I needed to man up and move on. Now eight months of no contact later, she's calling and texting me!

[getupkid49]

Stop sending flowers, texting and all that! She needs to miss you before she can want you back! She has all the power right now. I've been where you are. My ex dumped me. I did all the things you've been doing the first couple of weeks, until I snapped out of it and realized I needed to man up and move on. Now eight months of no contact later, she's calling and texting me!

yeah but going no contact would only feed her reasoning for breaking up with me. she didnt break up with me because she wanted to be single she did because she felt under appreciated and insignificant. by just not bothering with her it'll say "oh he moved on just like I thought he would" and not try chasing me, she's never really chased me before.

[shesjustnotin2u]

if shes not seeing or dating anyone, im sure she still loves you but is hurt by your ignorance. be glad shes at least mature enough to deal with the situation and hasnt jumped onto the next guy who gives her the attention you neglected. give her space and time, as well as yourself, to think what your relationship means to you. if you want to work things out with her, dont wait too long to let her know how you feel or it will only distance her further into other opportunities. but if youre not serious or dont know what you want at the moment than its best to leave her alone. its always one or the other fighting for each other but when both parties have given up, is when the relationship finally ends. it's your call whether its worth fighting for the relationship. just be honest with yourself... the rest is for her to decide. and she says no, at least you tried and can walk away with no regrets.

[getupkid49]

if shes not seeing or dating anyone, im sure she still loves you but is hurt by your ignorance. be glad shes at least mature enough to deal with the situation and hasnt jumped onto the next guy who gives her the attention you neglected. give her space and time, as well as yourself, to think what your relationship means to you. if you want to work things out with her, dont wait too long to let her know how you feel or it will only distance her further into other opportunities. but if youre not serious or dont know what you want at the moment than its best to leave her alone. its always one or the other fighting for each other but when both parties have given up, is when the relationship finally ends. it's your call whether its worth fighting for the relationship. just be honest with yourself... the rest is for her to decide. and she says no, at least you tried and can walk away with no regrets.

I keep trying to be there without deliberately annoying her or reminding her that I want her back. she already knows I do but making the right moves to benefit myself is what's hard. it's like I wish she would throw me signs I'm doing it right or that I'm doing it wrong. I texted her again saying I think I have the flu and she was asking me to go to the doctor and what was wrong and that I should be home resting not out with my friends. I said I guess she's right and she told me she knows she is and was asking who I was with but once I said she just said oh that's fun (I wasn't with anybody that would annoy her) and hasn't said anything else.

It's like I wish she would tell me to move on if I had to without me bringing our relationship up again or throw me enoug signs for me to know for sure.

[getupkid49]

I got thrown for a loop today, or at least it seems. She didn't text me at all today so we didn't physically talk. But She liked a comment I left on my own status on facebook today which was from last night. She also liked a status I posted of song lyrics that say "I won't come back, hope someday you understand. I want to try and make this right, don't know if I can." Reason I mention it is because she hardly likes my facebook posts, so I'm wondering if she liked those lyrics because she knows the song, or because that's how she feels about me? I don't want to bother her with something silly but it is eating at me. Also, I posted another status and she commented on it saying something funny, which she also rarely does, only when we were dating. She also liked a photo I posted on instagram today too.

So I feel like she may realize she doesn't want to get back together with me even though she hasn't said so yet, and is just trying to be friendly and nice so we can turn into friends. Or if she's trying to initiate more contact because she has been thinking about getting back together. She gave me a lot of social networking attention today which is unusual behavior since we broke up and it's driving me crazy what her motives are.

[IndiReloaded]

I know exactly what she is thinking. She is pissed off that it had to come to her breaking up with you to see if you were willing to change for her. You didn't acknowledge you needed to change until it was too late. Now it's a month later and what have you done to convince her you are willing to be the BF she wants you to be? Not much I'm assuming. Have you sent her flowers? or a sweet card or tried to do something romantic for her like sending her a picture of you holding a sign saying "I love you"....anything? That is what she is waiting for....to prove to her that you are worthy of being with her. She is looking for some grand gesture from you.

This^, which I'd thank if I could. Good luck. Most women 'leave' a relationship emotionally before they check out physically. Men... take note.