Trying not to hurt anyone,want to do the right thing. please read and give insight

[Asylum]

5 years ago i met the girl i call my wife. we were living in Florida at the time and shortly after we met she moved to Virginia. we maintained a long distance relationship for a little bit, but soon planned to be together. the plan we came up with was i would sell everything i had in Florida and move here to be with her. she said her parents said i could stay until i started working or we got a place of our own. little did i know she never really asked them that. the day i arrived in Virgina with a bag of clothes there was no plan. they ended up letting me stay more so i believe in regret for her doing that to me rather than actually wanting me there. for the first almost month i was here she continued to flip flop between me and another guy. sparing the details for the readers sake i was told to get out almost every other day. i had no family here. I had no more money. I had no home. I had no friends. I couldn't go back. I was scared for the first time in my life to death. less than a week before we got married she was packed sitting next to me waiting on the other guy to come pick her up to look at houses. When he never came i became the official backup plan.

Thinking back now as much as it hurts to say I married out of fear. I didn't know what to do if it didn't work out.

Time went by and major problems started developing. And on top of that, I'm assuming since it was never love between us I was able to truly fall in love with someone else. To this day I have never physically violated my vows. I have not even wanted to or came close.

After a while at her parents I moved out alone to the apartment i currently live in. When our son wanted to come to spend the night he would ask for her. So I would call and ask her to come over to. Not even one week after this started she went into labor with our second child. At the time she was released was the first time we were rid of her parents influence on our marriage. Top that off with the excitement of our second child and I gave in to starting over with her here. After several months it was all back again. Every problem at her parents house was still going on but in my home. Thats when I realized it was never them. It was her, and also me for being so lead by fear years ago that was causing it all. While I was at work one Sunday I told her to get whatever she wanted and go to her parents. Technically you can say I kicked her out, but knowing that her and the kids had a very safe place to go. Upon my surprise when I got off she had gotten nothing. I didn't care what she took. She could have taken everything. I told her to go to her parents without her stuff. The next day I went over there to spend time with son and daughter. Upon my arrival the cops were there shortly after. I was told that until a court said otherwise I was the only one that could take the kids out of her arms, but her parents filled a no trespassing order on their property that morning for me. I had every legal right to my children but wasn't allowed on the property to see them.

Time went by with no answer from my texts or calls. Our court date was a ways down the road so I started kissing serious ass. I was sending money to help her, loads of her things that her uncle said she needed, forgiveness letters and more. When I finally stooped low enough she talked to me and came to the apartment. The same month we found out about our third child...and again here I was with the fear of not seeing the kids again until court added onto the excitement of yet another beautiful gift. And I backed down like a coward.

Not long ago I started being accused of cheating on her which hurt more than it normally would knowing that I've refrained from acting on the feelings I had for my friend for so long just to be accused anyways. I'm currently at the point of no return and we are getting a divorce. For those wondering about the kids; it's probably the most fair divorce imaginable and they will be well taken care of by the both of us. I know I'm not leaving her for the other girl. It has nothing to do with her. And her having a boyfriend would just complicate things on her end.

During a talk about the divorce with my wife recently i decided to be completely honest about my feelings. My feelings about everything and to everyone. For some ironic reason that talk with my wife about my love for this other person was the calmest part of the conversation.

The next day i confronted my friend and poured everything out. I knew that no matter she decided I was going through with plans with my wife. I told her no matter what she chose or did I just wanted her to be happy. She told me she was happy. That didn't bother me one bit. It was the follow up that came with it.

Little did I know she reminded me about me moving out of my wifes parents long ago. She said she fells the same way about me, but would never say anything in fear of being a home-wrecker. When I decided to give my wife yet another chance I never knew how much of a impact it would have on my heart and my future. Between the time I moved out and now so much crap has happened in her life. She said that everyday she woke up in her pain and she wished I was the one there for her. She said I wasn't so someone else was...

I can accept my fate with my wife, I can accept the fact that the other girl is happy, but my question to you is should I leave it at that? I don't want her to be binded by timing over feelings like I was. I keep asking myself if her love for this guy is based off the problems she was going through and would have given it to anyone that showed she could count on them. At the same time I refuse to be another back-up plan. Years down the road if they breakup I don't want the thought "well...theres still that one guy"

Any advice is accepted and please excuse my grammar and style of writing. This is my first post and im pretty beaten up at the moment.

ty in advance for your help
-Asylum

[bcgirl]

Timing is a huge part of fate. If you two were meant to truly be together, then the timing would have been. It ain't working that way so allow things to crumble into place. If you would have left your wife all those years ago, you wouldn't have your 3 beautiful children.

Miracles. Events with astronomical odds of occurring, like oxygen turning into gold. I've longed to witness such an event, and yet I neglect that in human coupling, millions upon millions of cells compete to create life, for generation after generation until, finally, you meet your wife, a woman you have every reason to hate, and out of that contradiction, against unfathomable odds, your 3 beautiful children emerged. To distill so specific a form, from all that chaos. It's like turning air into gold. A miracle. Fate. -Jon osterman

[Asylum]

Timing is a huge part of fate. If you two were meant to truly be together, then the timing would have been. It ain't working that way so allow things to crumble into place. If you would have left your wife all those years ago, you wouldn't have your 3 beautiful children.

Miracles. Events with astronomical odds of occurring, like oxygen turning into gold. I've longed to witness such an event, and yet I neglect that in human coupling, millions upon millions of cells compete to create life, for generation after generation until, finally, you meet your wife, a woman you have every reason to hate, and out of that contradiction, against unfathomable odds, your 3 beautiful children emerged. To distill so specific a form, from all that chaos. It's like turning air into gold. A miracle. Fate. -Jon osterman

Wise words, but I have to ask...to believe in fate then everything happens for a reason. If the other girl isn't any encouragement to leave my wife and at the same time won't work out with me....how could my "fate" be that im this helplessly in love with her, only more after the fact that she told me she felt the same way.

[ihatecats]

Wise words, but I have to ask...to believe in fate then everything happens for a reason. If the other girl isn't any encouragement to leave my wife and at the same time won't work out with me....how could my "fate" be that im this helplessly in love with her, only more after the fact that she told me she felt the same way.

Everything does happen for a reason. Staying with your wife for so many years should prove that; you got 3 beautiful kids from her. And now that you and the girl you love can't be together should tell you that you need to just take time out and let fate choose your path. Timing is everything...maybe the girl will leave her boyfriend; maybe you'll find someone else you feel as strong about. You can't just get stuck on that one path forever.

[bcgirl]

If she isn't with someone else then go for it and ask her out. The problem is that she is with another man and she made it clear to you this so you need to respect that and keep your distance. She says that she is happy. As a friend, be happy that she is happy

It's all about timing and the timing isn't right between you and this girl. We all go through heart break in life, things don't always work out. You don't always get the job you want, you don't always get the girl you want etc.
yah and sometimes we feel helpless, heart broken, lonely etc. then one day when you least expect it you meet someone else. Time takes away the pain of heart break. Life goes on but you need integrity and morals in life and adultery isn't the right way.

[michelle23]

I think you were going through hell at home and did not like your own reality so you created a fantasy to escape from hell (your friend). Its a good job you did not get with your friend as you probably would have ended up dependent on her.

You need to take some time out to heal and be happy on your own. Forget about both of these woman and focus on getting over the divorce and even get some counselling if you feel you need it.

In time when you are ready, you will meet someone else and when you are healthy emotionally you will be able to fall in love properly