Please read the whole thing. I know it’s long but it’s the only way you can understand my point of view.
Okay let me start by saying that this girl is no ordinary girl to me. I am seriously in love with her, not kid love, not young love, not ‘you thought it was love’ love. I love this girl, I am in love with this girl, and I will always love this girl. But now I have a bipolar relationship with her. Some days I love her to death, I want to hug her as tight as I can, filling in all gaps between us. I want to kiss her all over, all day and night, massage her, tease her, please her, prove to her I deserve her. The girl that I met 6 months ago. The girl that she is right now. That is the girl I love. But her past, I can’t deal with that. To some of you it may not be a big deal, but to me, her two past boyfriends kill me, literally kill me inside. Some days I feel like suicide, some days I feel like laying in bed until the pain goes away, some days I go to the gym and channel my anger, pain, and distress into the weights…often lifting more than should be possible for my weight. I have so much pain and anger and disappointment that when I weightlift, my body can’t take the stress of the weights and my body collapses after each set, but the pain drives me through countless more sets.
So on to the story. Last week I was searching through her facebook (we gave each other our passwords) and I came across some old conversations with her friends talking about her old boyfriends. I knew she had two boyfriends before because she told me, but she neglected to tell me some of the finer details about them. Her second boyfriend I can get over. It bothers me but its not too bad. She had a crush on him in senior year of high school and they went to prom together. They kissed on prom night and then dated for a month or so after that, making out once (according to her) and kissing a few times. They broke up when she found out they were completely incompatible. OKAY, how do you date for a month and then realize you aren’t good for each other…? He was a douchebag skater who failed at school, she was a little cute good-girl nerd who was one A away from a 4.0. She was a cheerleader and a volleyball player. Since when would that work!?! We go the Berkeley (about 5% acceptance rate), he goes to a state school that lets anyone in (70+% acceptance). Now in some of the facebook messages to her friends, she was super excited about me, saying “he looks and dresses and acts so much like ____!”. Etc. Only difference is I am pre-med, he is probably going to work in a cubicle that requires minimal school. I am not a douche like him, I work out hard everyday (good body IMO), I don’t party or drink like he does (my gf doesn’t party or drink either). He skated in high school and got a C- in math. I led our football team and went to a state science fair. Not bragging but seems convenient that I look and act like him but I’m so much more awesome and that’s why she chose me just 3 months out of their relationship. That bothers me, but not as much as her first boyfriend.
My girlfriend is one of those small Asian girls, 5 feet tall, 100 pounds, cute as hell. You know how some of those 15 year old Asian girls look so innocent and cute (no pedo), well when she was 15, she dated this big 18 year old Mexican kid who looks like he rarely showers and is working at McDonalds right now. They dated for 2 years. She met him through a friend! They hooked up just like that. **** that man, that hurts. Every time I hug my girl now, I think of her when she was 15 getting smothered by his fat ***. They made out numerous times. She says that’s the most they did but c’mon how do you want me to believe that. It may be true but honestly an 18 year old and a 15 year old, he probably groped her every day. And if she told me they did more than making out, she knows I would break up with her instantly so she will never tell me that. Seriously, my little angel, who is supposed to have an innocent little normal 15 year old girl past spent her time being groped by a big loser who was 18 while she was 15 and who currently works at McDonalds. I don’t wanna be mean but **** man, how can a super smart girl like her date a high school dropout.
She said its because she had just moved and she had no friends and she wanted to fit in. That’s BS. How often does dating a senior as a freshman make you fit in? Not to compare her to me because I know I have a unique story and I am an exception (don’t mean to sound cocky) but I grew up in Compton. I say people get killed when I was 8. My fondest memory was when I was walking back from school and this man walked out of a liquor store, he was shot and fell to the ground. The shooter ran up to him, took his wallet, shot him again, killing him, and then shot him some more for no reason. Then before he ran away, he made eye contact with me. After my dad became a doctor we moved to a rich neighborhood and I went to a new highschool too with rich kids. I hated them. So spoiled and protected from the world. The girls were sluts and the guys were douches. I became instantly popular (star football player, top 10 student). All the girls were all over me but I rejected them all because I had my morals and values. I could have easily nailed most of them, half of which were significantly hotter than my girlfriend. I had my morals though. So I didn’t. In junior year I got in a fight with another player on the team and got suspended for a day. I beat the life out of him for talking **** to me and sent him to the nurse with a broken arm. Next week’s game ended my football career with two broken ankles that never healed properly, so it still hurts when I run. After those two incidents, all the sudden the school hated me. So I know a little bit about wanting to fit in. While I was watching murders happen, scared for my life, she was making out with future McDonalds janitors.
I know I shouldn’t compare us, but its just unbelievable, her past. More than that, she tried to hide her past from me, and would have done so forever. I found out though, and the day after, I stopped talking to her. She didn’t know what was wrong, but her first action was to delete all conversations on facebook about her boyfriends. That scares me. Seems like she is hiding stuff and I will never know because I didn’t finish reading them all. So we talked the next day and I made her call her friend from high school asking her what she thought about her past boyfriend. Her friend said they were cute together and she wouldn’t mind if they got back together. HER FRIEND KNOWS MY GIRLDFIRNED IS DATING ME RIGHT NOW!!! WTF is that about?!?!
So like I said, sometimes I love her to death now. But sometimes, I just randomly think of her past. Last Friday, I was taking down notes on the bacterial infection of humans that causes gangrene and I randomly started thinking of her first boyfriend. I had to leave class because I couldn’t focus. Last night I cuddled with my gf until we fell asleep but I dreamed that I found out she gave him blowjobs numerous times (which btw she was a pro when she gave me my first blowjob. She is my first gf too btw). It makes me mad, I know I had my morals, but I could have nailed IMO the hottest girl on the planet back in the day while she was having her “innocent” relationships with her bfs. Then I might have felt better about this whole thing. But I didn’t and even if I had I know I would have regretted it.
I’ve only told you the things that are bothering me. There’s a lot more to the story and Chris Brown’s song “Say Goodbye” gets is nearly perfect. If you have time, please listen to the song. I don’t want to leave her but I can’t live like this, not knowing if one day i’m going to wake up happy, the next day angry and suicidal, the next day happy and then midday sad. It’s taking a huge toll on my heart and body. I love her, but honestly we’ve fought about small things like her not talking to me in public (she often just gives me one word answers or blows me off when I’m trying to talk to her in front of others.) She doesn’t do it on purpose but seriously its embarrassing.
Now if she had told me about this when we first got together, I would have at least been able to say “no, lets not date”. But now so far into our relationship, I found out about it myself. I have fallen in love with her and that makes it so hard. To me, finding out about it right now is the same as her cheating on me right now. I have looked around for help, and I just keep hearing people say “get over it”. I can’t. I just can’t. Someone said if I can’t get over it, we are not going to work out. What should I do? I can’t give up her past. I don’t try to think of it, it just pops up in my dreams and In class and kills me. What should I do? Please help me.
Oh and on facebook, we finally put that we are in a relationship. But she restricted the people who can view it to only Berkeley friends. Why won't she tell all her friends about me. Why won't she tell her family about me like she told her family about her old boyfriends? She called her second boyfriend "special" in a message to her cousin on facebook.
I know she loves me. I know she does. The way she fights for me when i want to break up with her because of her past. I bash her about her past for hours while we fight and then i tell her "i'm done" and walk out towards the elevator, but she follows me crying enough tears to fill a cup, messing up her make up, begging for me. But in my anger i push her away. And then 5 minutes later after i walk around alone outside i come back and apologize. I don't want to live like this, fighting about her past then apologizing after she cries.
Oh and she didn't delete either boyfriend for facebook until i brought it up. She kept her second boyfriend as a preferred friend until two days ago.