What lessons have you learned from your breakups?

[badrazor]

The main lesson i learned from my recent breakup is to trust my feelings. I knew exactly when things started to change but i kept making excuses in my head that it wasn't true - but i knew. And as time went on and i knew it was getting worse i still kept talking myself out of it. I would tell myself "ahh she's just stressedf form her kids" or "maybe its menopause causing her moodiness". Next time i start to feel something change i'm going to be persistant to find out what it is and if i can't, i'll leave and not put myself through months or years of torture.

I also learned to keep the main goal fresh in my head. My main goal is to find someone who i have a lot in common with. I knew early on that this past woman would be a problem because she let her kids run our relationship. They tortured us and she had them 24/7 because her ex husband (who i had to take to court over harassment) never took the kids...ever. I knew early on that i would next to never be alone with her and that was a MAJOR problem in our relationship that caused a lot of stress. I will never ever date a woman again who has their kids 24/7 with no break. EVER

[Kromat83]

The older you get, it's harder to find a single woman without kids.

I might have to face the facts, that my breakup might happen this summer.

It would just suck to be lead on this long, but my gut feeling is saying,
that something is going to change for her, and i'll be alone again.

My girl is putting work ahead of our relationship, which is another red flag, as i
won't see her until August, and can only spend 1 week with her.

[pcmaster]

**** as much you can while you can.

[badrazor]

The older you get, it's harder to find a single woman without kids.

I might have to face the facts, that my breakup might happen this summer.

It would just suck to be lead on this long, but my gut feeling is saying,
that something is going to change for her, and i'll be alone again.

My girl is putting work ahead of our relationship, which is another red flag, as i
won't see her until August, and can only spend 1 week with her.

At my age (45), yes i know it's near impossible to find a woman who doesn't have kids. I don't mind going out with a woman with kids, i expect to but *NOT* with a woman who doesn't have a break from them. In other words, not with a woman who's ex doesn't take them at least on weekends or a couple nights a week.

to Kromat83, i've learned and also read on relationship sites that if you feel something has changed for the worse in your relationship than it has. You know your relationship and how she is supposed to make you feel. If you are no longer feeling that happiness you had with her before than something is wrong. For you however, work is very important to some people. Someone can still put work ahead of you sometimes but it has nothing to do with how much she loves you. She can still put that job in front of you until August but if she is still showing you the same kind of love she was before than i wouldn't be too worried. Its when her actions towards you change that you have to worry.

[Rowen]

I'm glad someone started this discussion. I think it'll help others who post here see that a breakup is a beginning a lot of times, assuming they read it.

I've learned a few things, even though I've only had three legitimate relationships...

Boyfriend #1: I learned that being single isn't so bad, that you shouldn't give in to someone else's pressures for the purposes of not feeling lonely.

Boyfriend #2: I learned that relationships with those younger than myself weren't for me, and I needed to find someone on an intellectual level. I also learned that you don't have to tolerate someone treating you like property.

Boyfriend #3: This was my longest relationship...and I learned that you can't save everyone, no matter how hard you try. I also learned that I shouldn't be so quick to trust someone who hurts me again and again, that you shouldn't settle for the only one making an effort. I learned that appearances are deceiving, that if someone sounds convincing about how they feel, it doesn't always mean that what they say is necessarily true. And, most of all, don't make excuses for someone else's short comings and/or blame yourself. Never let anyone make you feel like you're the problem, like you're worthless, especially when they pass around the word "love" like candy.

My Unrequited Love: I include him because he hurt me more than all of the others combined... From him, I learned that the future is inescapable. But most important, I learned when you love someone, you have to let them go if that's what will make them happy, even if it hurts.

I hold no regrets for any of the relationships or the attempt to build a relationship with the last guy. And I hold no ill will. It's just what happens and what you learn.

[michelle23]

I learned to stay away from insecure men and i also learned how to spot the difference between a keeper and a loser.

[michelle23]

I also learned all the things i dont want in a man and that i prefer steady to crazy or predictable to spontanious

[sayaka]

Find out everything possible about his family and his relationship with his family as early on as possible, preferably before you get too involved.

And this I had heard a lot before, but I had to experience it firsthand to really understand it, and it's that love isn't enough.

[basilandthyme]

If your friends and family don't like him - LISTEN to them.

[badrazor]

[QUOTE=And this I had heard a lot before, but I had to experience it firsthand to really understand it, and it's that love isn't enough.[/QUOTE]

I experienced this with my recent. I gave her 110% of my heart and treated her like a queen. She told me it wasn't enough. She expected me to help her with her everyday workload. Now, i was only at her house 1-2 times a week but every time i was there, i would always help her with her honeydew list with a smile. I would bring her trash cans in if they needed it, helped her clean up after dinner etc etc. But she expected me to do bigger stuff for her, things like popping over and putting her Christmas lights up or popping over and painting a room. Basically, she wanted me to read her mind on what she needed. I never thought about doing stuff like that for her unless she asked me. I always thought i did more than enough for the time i was actually over there. Either way, she fell out of love with me even though i treated her like a queen.

[shesjustnotin2u]

If after 5 months of hanging out and he doesn't want to date you, he sees no potential in you.
It takes losing something good to realize what you had. It's not you, he's wasn't ready for you.

Everyone grows and mature in relationships at different rate. You can't hold on and hope for the day he will change. Move forward. When he's ready, hell know.

[Love'sReject]

It was after my only breakup that I learned that I am clairvoyant after telling my ex on the phone: "It was fun having a relationship. This is definitely my last, and not by choice." Lo and behold, no relationships since. 8 years of being right!

[badrazor]

Oh yeah, i just thought of another lesson i learned. If your partner tells you things like "our love is perfect", "i'll never leave you", "our love is special, like no one elses.." etc etc. Most likely these things are said in the "new love" phase or in other words, around inside the first year of the relationship, "DO NOT BELIEVE IT!". Your love is NOT special, your love is not perfect, and they can and will leave you if they see fit once the rose colored glasses come off.

Of course, your love may be what i call "real love" in which case all of the above is not true. That is, in my estimate, about 3% of relationships. I'm happy for the 3% of you people, i wish i was one of you but i'm just another loser in the 97%

Bitter much? Hell yeah i am!

[Kromat83]

We can't hold on to something that is lost.

People need to realize what they have done, and accept
that, the other person was just too good for them.

You always think they might be the one, but the more they
show who they really are, you start to realize, that your feelings
weren't shared in the same way, and need to move on as fast as possible.

Mine only lasted 2 months, and got over it the same day, because it was her
decision after all, and wasn't worth my effort to continue since she was avoiding me.

If it didn't end that day and i waited a few weeks or months
to see if there's something still there i wouldn't have encountered
and chatted with this new person, that I'll see in April.

[shesjustnotin2u]

As hard as it is, when you love someone, sometimes you have to lego. Cherish the good memories and know you tried. Life goes on and there is someone out there waiting for you.