I can't screw this up... I HAVE to trust her! Help!

[Braggs]

Alright, so I don't date often and I've only been in love once before... I just turned 25. I was a " player" if you will, but I finally grew up. I have been dating someone for 4 months now and overall it's been good. But since saying the "L" word it's like I've become wary of her every move. I trust that she wouldn't cheat on me, but I just worry she'll flirt with guys, talk to them online, etc. With me, if I have met the guy.. go ahead and talk all you want! But if I dont know them they have no reason to give two shits if they try to get with my girl, etc. She's beautiful, so I know shes getting loads of attention no matter where she goes.

She has never given me a reason not to trust her, but I just worry about when she drinks because of how horny she gets...and the fact that her friends are skanks doesnt really help my nerves.

Not being able to trust her completely is just destroying us. She cries at least once a week about it and it hurts me to know that I'm hurting her.

The other issue is this girl is perfect. Absolutely perfect in everyway. Awesome personality, everyone loves her. She is not materialistic at all, she volunteers for nonprofits and just has an all around good heart. She moved out at 16 after her father passed, so she had to grow up fast. She dated a guy for about 5 years and had a rebound of about two months a few months after that. She lived it up last summer, doing the random hookup thing... which everyone goes through at least once.

We started out as friends, so we knew everything about eachother before dating. Then the attraction just grew and we became offocial after dating for about a month.

So how do I trust her and just enjoy this ride we're on? She means so much to me and I dont want to lose her.

Thanks-
Mark

[michelle23]

Do you trust yourself? Your paranoia and insecurity may stem from secretly not trusting yourself when you are drunk...

All you can do is treat her right, dont hurt her, lie to her, cheat on her etc. And if she ever does hurt you-you can walk away with your head held high.

You cannot control what other people do-only what you do and you need to trust that this girl has a "good heart" and will not hurt you.

If you keep doing what you are doing you will lose her.

[Braggs]

I trust myself when drinking, I would never cheat.

It might stem from a lack of confidence in myself? She's a social butterfly and I'm a bit more reserved.

I think I'm a decent looking guy, with a good personality but sometimes I don't think I'm good enough for her... not outgoing enough, not muscular enough, etc.

I guess I'm afraid of someone coming along that just takes her off her feet. It's tough, its like I'm at war with myself in my own head, always second guessing things, etc.

[michelle23]

you need to boost your confidence. your "player past" prob made your self-esteem worse. you have made lots of changes and grown up so you need to see yourself as a new person, more mature, emotionally aware, self respect, respect for women etc and as someone who deserves this girl.

your insecurity will push her away. try to see yourself through her eyes

[smackie9]

Dude what you are feeling is normal. Blame it on love, because that is what is happening here. When you fall in love you start to feel insecure about losing that person you so care about. It's just a stage that will pass in time. Don't sweat it. All you have to do is every time you get that feeling, walk away from it, take 10 deep breaths, distract yourself with an activity or different thoughts. It's not suppressing the thoughts, you are retraining your brain and it will prevent you from giving into them.

[Braggs]

Luckily, she thinks I'm extremely confident. I guess I hide my insecurities well. I just have to figure out ways to make myself feel better. I've started eating super healthy and Im working out again. It'll just take time I guess.

[IndiReloaded]

Not being able to trust her completely is just destroying us. She cries at least once a week about it and it hurts me to know that I'm hurting her.

What are you doing to her that makes her cry?? Get a grip man. Nothing *nothing* lasts forever. People die, people break up... stop letting your fear about losing her infect your ability to enjoy the gift of the time you have been given.

If you can't do this, she will leave. Guaranteed. Controlling men aren't worth the bother, no matter what else you bring to the table. Good luck.

[Braggs]

Dude what you are feeling is normal. Blame it on love, because that is what is happening here. When you fall in love you start to feel insecure about losing that person you so care about. It's just a stage that will pass in time. Don't sweat it. All you have to do is every time you get that feeling, walk away from it, take 10 deep breaths, distract yourself with an activity or different thoughts. It's not suppressing the thoughts, you are retraining your brain and it will prevent you from giving into them.

Thanks, it was a bit of a relief reading that because it makes sense. We were absolutely golden before saying we loved eachother. I want for it to be like it was, I just hope she can continue to be patient with me. I'll have to set up little reminders to snap me out of it when I get into a funk... any ideas other than just walking away from the situation for a moment?
Thanks again!

[michelle23]

you have to stop making her cry. once a year may be okay but once a wek? your hurting her and by telling her you dont trust her-your damaging the emotional connection and making her feel inecure. its not fair to take your issues out on her. they are your issues and you need to deal with them.

stop letting your anxiety take over. your thoughts are irrational. every time you feel insecure or have doubts tell yourself "she hasnt done anything wrong" stop yourself from letting these negative thoughts affect her. you know you have a good woman. you listed all her great qualities. you just dont feel good enough for her.

insecurity is like a disease. my ex was like that. he kept thinking shes too good for me, shell hurt me, dump me, cheat etc. he ended up hurting me on purpose by cheating on me by the one girl he new i hated. he wanted to hurt me and get revenge coz he convinced himself that he had to hurt me first and i never would have cheated on the stupid prick. all his negativity and insecurity turned him against me and i did nothing to deserve it.

[smackie9]

Thanks, it was a bit of a relief reading that because it makes sense. We were absolutely golden before saying we loved eachother. I want for it to be like it was, I just hope she can continue to be patient with me. I'll have to set up little reminders to snap me out of it when I get into a funk... any ideas other than just walking away from the situation for a moment?
Thanks again!

Dude you have to keep repeating the process until you see results. This isn't going to happen over night. Like I said you have to retrain your brain. You could try physical activities like working out at the gym. Exercise is excellent for clearing out frusterations and anxiety, and maybe cut back on the alcohol if you are a drinker.

Anyways, the way I see it this is all new to you and it can be over whelming, but like I said, we have all experienced this, it's just what happens. I myself hated the pangs of jealousy I used to get. It's all laughable now when I look back at it, but I can understand how love can make you crazy lol.

[smackie9]

Too add if you want her to be more understanding you have to express your feelings with her in an honest way that she can understand. Communication is key, and if you both know where the other is coming from, it will be smooth sailing.