My partners affair

[Swifty64]

Hey all,
Just here to tell me story and ask for any advice or help with the situation.
I'm 27, my fiancé is 23.
We have been together for 5 and a half years.
In August 2012 I stated to notice her behaviour just being a bit different to normal. It's hard to describe anything specific but when you've been with someone for so long you know when they are just acting a bit differently.
She started using the laptop at home a lot more often than normal. Logging on and checking emails etc up to 3 times an hour, very abnormal as she'd rarely use the laptop more than a couple of times a week. When I asked her what she was doing she just said she was checking facebook to see if anything interesting was going on.
I decided to check the laptop (I won't explain how, boring...) and noticed she had changed all her passwords to her FB, email, etc. We have always been open about passwords for that kind of thing and she knows mine and I knew hers.
1st alarm bell started ringing. I managed to get into her email and what I found was not pleasant.
Emails between her and some guy she works with, all very graphic and heart-breaking to read. She had tried to cover her tracks by deleting emails but I managed to recover some.
I discovered that earlier that day when she told me she had to work late to cover for someone she had in fact been having sex with this guy, in one of the spare offices, whilst I was out doing the weekly food shop.
It all kind of clicked in my head and it all just fell into place, all her behaviour and actions were all so obvious and I should have realised sooner.
About a month earlier we'd had a huge argument which just came totally out of the blue. She started shouting at me and being quite generally nasty, saying I’m useless and even childish things like "your clothes are all shit!." Now it made sense, she must have been getting flirty and close to this guy at this time, which she knew was wrong, but was easier for her to justify it to herself and give herself permission to cheat by thinking what she was doing was acceptable if it was all somehow my fault.
I confronted her that night and after trying to deny it she realised I knew too much and came clean and admitted it.
She stated it had been going on for just over 2 weeks and they had sex 3 times. I don't know how long they had been emailing each other etc at work and building up to this however. I also found out this guy was quite a bit older than her (36) and married with a new born son.
After much arguing, crying, shouting etc she said she will end it and it will never happen again etc.
I couldn't help myself either, in my anger found his facebook page, found his wife’s page and messaged her telling her the details. She obviously horrified and her and her husband had their issues but apparently tried to work through it, I believe they are still together.
She insists she doesn't know why she did it, she just did. I have my theories, mainly around the stupid bloody book 50 shades of grey. A few months before I found out, she became totally obsessed with them. Reading them over and over, fantasising about how "amazing it would be if her life were really like that" (her exact words). I feel the books had such an effect on her that she created this idealised world in her mind, from a fictional book, and felt because her life wasn’t like that she was missing out. I truly believe these books were the catalyst that caused the affair. Obviously it can't all have been down to the books but they certainly didn't help. Even her own mother commented on how she seemed to have got tied up in a fictional world she seemed to think could be created in reality. Some of the things I read in the emails between her and this guy also furthered my belief this book was to blame due to the some of the things they had been discussing was along the lines of things that the characters get up to in the books.

Fast forward 7 months and we've had our ups and downs. Few more arguments and things.
I have tried to forgive her and had hoped over time I would feel better but if anything I feel worse. I feel hurt, betrayed and like I just can't trust her.
She still works at the same place and the guy is still there, only an office room away from each other. If we were just living with parents or rented a home I would have ended it and gone our separate ways. One of my biggest issues is we saved hard for over 2 years to build up a deposit to buy our own home. We had only lived there a year before she started this affair.
All our finances are tied, share a car, the mortgage, everything. The financial nightmare to try and sort everything else doesn't even bare thinking about. Hurts that she felt all we’d worked hard for together mattered to her less than having random sex with some guy
The thing I’m not sure about is if I want to carry on and try to work through it or am I only sticking around because I don't want to lose my house. It has been very hard work to get to where we are, I have done a lot of work and invested many many hours and money in the house getting it up to how we wanted it (it was quite dated) and this is how she thanks me…
It's not like she's ever wanted for anything, I’m a great guy, kind, honest, loving and this is the shit I get for it. I feel like she doesn't deserve me at all. I have done nothing but work my ass off for us and she goes behind my back and sleep with someone else.
One of the things I find the hardest is not the affair, it's the fact she believed she wasn't in the wrong. She said she was sorry but she didn't feel guilty for what she did. I don't think I can or want to be with someone who has such little regard to my feelings that the fact she totally destroyed my heart doesn't seem to bother her. She says she loves me still but if she did then she would care about how her actions had hurt me wouldn't she? She has always been a stubborn person, the kind who finds it easier to get angry and shout rather than say sorry even when they know they are wrong. How can you break someone’s heart like that and not care about how much you'd hurt them? And if I hadn’t have found out, how long would it have gone on for?

Apologies for the long story but I felt I had to explain the whole situation.

[michelle23]

I'm sorry for what your going through. This situation is actually my worst nightmare and I feel for you. If it was me-I would kick her out.

She is the one in the wrong and why should you lose your home? You could get rid of her and get a flat mate to help pay the bills/mortgage.

Do you really want to waste your life on someone who could hurt you like this? And then not even feel bad about it? Unless there are major consequences-she will do it again.

You can sort out the financial situation. It may be a little tough for awhile but its possible. You already know you wont forgive her and all the anger and resentment etc will eventually lead to you cheating or leaving her for someone else. Or else you will just waste the next 5-10years feeling miserable, hurt, angry, depressed, unable to feel close to her.

I think once the trust is broken-it destroys every aspect of the relationship.

1/. you no longer feel safe or secure so will find it difficult to be affectionate
2/. you wont trust her enough to confide in her
3/. the emotional connection is damaged
4/. your sex life will never be the same
5/. you'll always wonder where she is, what shes doing, who shes with every time she walks out the door. 7

She already thinks her behavior id justified. That is the typical way cheaters think. Blame the victim and the best form of defence is attack. Bottom line is shes very selfish and you can do better.

[Swifty64]

.

She is the one in the wrong and why should you lose your home? You could get rid of her and get a flat mate to help pay the bills/mortgage.

She is in the wrong and I agree i shouldn't lose me home but the mortgage is in both our names. Therefore neither of us can do anything with the house without the other ones say so. I can't afford to buy her out either as it would mean raising half of the money again that we put down as a deposit. She is the one who ruined everything yet legally it's still her home so not much i can do about that fact. It would mean having to sell the home an split the money.

[michelle23]

oh and that stupid book is a load of crap. I read the first one and half the second one before I got bored. Its the most unrealistic piece of garbage ive ever read. Worse than twilight with lots of sex.

Sure the sex in it sounds good but its basically the same thing over and over and over again. *yawn*

[michelle23]

She is in the wrong and I agree i shouldn't lose me home but the mortgage is in both our names. Therefore neither of us can do anything with the house without the other ones say so. I can't afford to buy her out either as it would mean raising half of the money again that we put down as a deposit. She is the one who ruined everything yet legally it's still her home so not much i can do about that fact. It would mean having to sell the home an split the money.

I cant tell you what to do. The decision has to be yours. But I know if it was me-I would sell the house and start fresh without her. Id find someone else who would treat me better and give me the loyalty and respect I deserve.

[Swifty64]

oh and that stupid book is a load of crap. I read the first one and half the second one before I got bored. Its the most unrealistic piece of garbage ive ever read. Worse than twilight with lots of sex.

Sure the sex in it sounds good but its basically the same thing over and over and over again. *yawn*

Try telling her that, she's not so bad now but at the time she was totally obsessed with it. Twilight she was pretty fond of as well but not to the same level as that stupid book.

[michelle23]

Her obsession with the book does not justify in any way what she did. Don't bring the book up to her again-your just giving her excuses and ways to try and justify it and play the "poor me" card.

You did nothing to deserve all this crap. She completely took you for granted and does not appreciate you.

[Swifty64]

Her obsession with the book does not justify in any way what she did. Don't bring the book up to her again-your just giving her excuses and ways to try and justify it and play the "poor me" card.

You did nothing to deserve all this crap. She completely took you for granted and does not appreciate you.

I've never brought up the book with her.
It's just an opinion and theory that I believe from her actions.

[michelle23]

I think you should go away for a week or two. You need space to clear your head and really think about what you are going to do next. Ask her for no contact for 2 weeks and make the best decision for you in the long run.

If the only thing stopping you from leaving is finances-you are making a big mistake by staying.

[rob1984]

I was in a similar boat as u, not that extreme at all though, I no it hurts but if what happened to me was the same as yours, I would leave, gather all the evidence of her affair, emails pictures is any ect.. To hold against her, sell the house give her half and run, you're still young.. What if she did this again when you're in your late 30s or 40s, you will regret this day.

[Wakeup]

Fast forward 7 months and we've had our ups and downs. Few more arguments and things.
I have tried to forgive her and had hoped over time I would feel better but if anything I feel worse. I feel hurt, betrayed and like I just can't trust her.

If youi're not going to sever your marriage then I think it's imperitive that the two of you get marital councelling. You cannot just pretend none of this happened and be able to carry on as if.

You need to find out why she felt she needed to be with another man and you need help in being able to trust and forgive her. If she doesn't get to the bottom of why she did what she did and you don't learn how to trust and forgive, this will be your hell until one of you hits the end of their rope and it ends anyway. Might as well figure out how to stay and be happy if you're going to stay.

[Swifty64]

If youi're not going to sever your marriage then I think it's imperitive that the two of you get marital councelling. You cannot just pretend none of this happened and be able to carry on as if.

You need to find out why she felt she needed to be with another man and you need help in being able to trust and forgive her. If she doesn't get to the bottom of why she did what she did and you don't learn how to trust and forgive, this will be your hell until one of you hits the end of their rope and it ends anyway. Might as well figure out how to stay and be happy if you're going to stay.

Just to confirm, we're not married, just own a home together.

[Wakeup]

Regardless, if you live together she's your common-law wife. Time for councelling together as life-partners if you're going to stick it out. It's the only chance you have of making this a happy existence with one another. If she won't go, then you might as well just put the for sale sign on the joint now and get on with your life without her in it.

[michelle23]

Even with counselling-it may never be the same again but its your call. If you wana give it a shot do.

[Wakeup]

no matter what we here say, it's always the Op's "call."