Can't get his previous girlfriend out of my head!

[twogoldens7500]

I have been dating a very, very nice person for 9 months now. We are the same age (we’re both 41), each with a child, tons in common, and both very averse to sharp tempers and yelling. So we’re mellow and sensitive and cerebral (we both have advanced degrees, but he’s somewhat awkward in a nice geeky way bordering on “Sheldon” of Big Bang Theory if that helps form the picture!! …)
The relationship has been slow and really I thought perfect, but about 4-5 months in we finally had a big talk about past relationships (we’re both divorced) and he told me that right before going out with me, he had a 5 month relationship that was “very intense”. They were making marriage plans and were about to move in together. She was supposed to meet his family and they were making plans for him to meet her family, they were about to get engaged and talking about wedding dates and then conflict hit, their differences emerged, and they didn’t have the foundation to deal with it. And she somewhat abruptly just let him know it was over.

I basically started dating him 2 months after that (I had seen some of that relationship on facebook, but didn’t quite realize it was that serious). It took 3 months for our first kiss. And we haven’t had sex, but he has started spending the night once each week. And I have met his family, although it was sort of completely unclear in what capacity I was meeting them (but out of town, so it was a really big deal). And I am very close with his young daughter, and our lives are very blended, with our daughters loving each other, etc. We spent last winter holiday with the four of us traveling around, and we have plans to do the same next summer, etc.

But we have never really had “the talk”. We have never expressed our love or said outright that we see a future. And I don’t actually know why we haven’t had sex. It’s both good and bad, but I don’t know WHY and it seems like I should be part of the plan.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago when someone he works with said she heard “all about me” when the two of them went to a conference together out of town a year ago (and this was before he and I had even met so I knew she had heard about the prior gf but not me), so he and I had a big talk and he just said he had been very burned by the (impulsive, premature) marriage planning and “that was why” he was moving this so slowly. But he said he feels much more comfortable with me than he did with her and that it was “a nightmare” at least the unraveling. So I felt better at the time, but again can’t shake it. (Did I really need all of that information about their marriage plans? In hindsight I think the details were just more than I needed to know, and have really “blocked” me).

The big thing for me: since his prior relationship had been all over facebook I saw a lot of excitement and gushing and romance – photos of them at events, expressions of affection and excitement (Happy Valentines day sweetheart!) -But with us there is no expression of love or affectionate names. I’m at the point of thinking that it is difficult to achieve all of the “I love you sweetheart” stuff without sex. (I surprise myself in saying this, but …) And I have to assume that they were having sex. Wouldn’t that explain the excitement without a strong foundation? When he says the relationship was “very intense” and yet they didn’t have that much in common in the end, it must have been a sexual thing, I think. And again, we haven’t had sex. So I realize the answer is right in front of me, but I can’t see it …

On valentines day I gave him a card that said “I am so happy that I get to spend valentines day with you” and he just LIT UP and came over and hugged me. Is it me? Am I the one not letting him know the depth of my feelings?

Any thoughts would be very helpful and very appreciated!!

[michelle23]

I think the thing you need to no is: if she asked him back now, would he leave you for her? You need to ask that qs and ask for an honest answer.

If you get the answer your hoping for-you need to be honest with him. Tell him how you feel about him, talk about your future together and what you want. Find out if hes on the same page. If hes not-you need to walk away. If he is-you need to start having sex and you need to be more affectionate.

Dont waste anymore time on him if you think he is "settling for you"

[bcgirl]

I can not imagine a couple in their 40's who are non-virgins in a sexless relationship.
As for him having sex with his ex...I sure hope he was! considering they are adults making wedding plans! As for you, you HAVE to get past the ex. We all have exes. I mean, you were even married yourself and once upon a time in love enough to start a family. What is the past is the past. You need to look into the future. If he wants to be with his ex, he woulda married her... He's with you. Although I can't imagine how tough it is for a man to sustain from sex with his girlfriend for 9 months. Maybe you two should go on a nice romantic night out with wine and dancing and get a babysitter and who knows where that can lead. Y'all need to spice things up. I couldn't imagine dating for 9 months like that before getting extremely bored and horny. As for snooping at old photos of him and the ex... Don't do it. That never makes anyone feel good, just causes drama in the relationship.

[twogoldens7500]

Thank you! Based on our recent conversation (about 3 weeks ago), he seemed to feel he dodged a bullet with this prior relationship. However, it does seem that she is the reason he is moving so slowly and so hesitant - not because he still loves her but because he was so hurt.

[twogoldens7500]

Yes, I know! It seems like the oddest thing EVER.

We recently had a romantic night alone, and at some point in the middle of making out, he asked for a glass of wine (he rarely drinks at all), so I got the distinct feeling he was trying to get up his courage to move things further. He's very cerebral, but it just seems ridiculous that we would wait so long AND it makes me wonder about his sex drive in general. One friend thinks he was very "emasculated" by this previous relationship and this is why he is so cautious here. It is the oddest thing - I have no answers.

[michelle23]

communication is so important here. tell him you love him (if you do), you want a future and your ready for sex if he is. tell him your sure about him, have no intention of hurting him and want this to go the distance.

just see what he says. you cant stay stuck in limbo and he cant let his fear of being hurt hold him back forever. if hes realy damaged by the past-suggest counselling

[twogoldens7500]

thank you - that helps a LOT.

[Maple1714]

So have you had sex yet? That would be a deal breaker for me personally. Don't you want a man who knows he wants you and shows you in every way? The first year or so of a relationship should be the most exciting....lots of sex, trips and just fun! I wonder about his sex drive too.

To me it sounds like he isn't over his ex. Even though they might not have been a good match, he dodged a bullet etc...he still seems to be emotionally scarred. Someone who is emotionally scarred can not open up to you fully. I don't know....how have you put up with the questions and wondering for so long?

[Boisdevie]

I'm an old git of 49 and the idea of 9 months into a relationship with no sex is just very strange. There is a big problem here that needs to be resolved.

[Wakeup]

Wow.. 9 months and he's not even tried to seduce you into doing more than hugging/kissing? I'd be worried about his ability to achieve or maintain an erection. Time to start the sexually intimate initiating so that he knows without a doubt that you're ready to take your relationship to a sexual level and to see how he responds (or not).

[twogoldens7500]

Thanks all. Yes, I am pretty concerned. Again, on the one hand he is one of these VERY cerebral/intellectual types and so he will sometimes interrupt kissing to discuss some "issue". (I like the intellectual content, but REALLY).

On the other hand, he is clearly scarred by the recent relationship.

My own read ... he told me it was "very intense". They were making marriage plans. But then they realized they didn't even know each other. So obviously, he didn't spend months talking to her like he does with me. They must have had sex early on and gotten caught up in the intense physical relationship. That would make the most sense with what he has told me and how he is reacting now. (But it's hard to imagine him as such a sex maniac, I just don't see it).

Part of our problem is that we haven't had much alone time because of my child (and his child who visits sometimes). The one night that I thought was THE night he stopped at some point and asked for a glass of wine (very unusual, he rarely drinks), so I thought he was trying to get up the courage, but then he stopped and we started ... talking of course ...

But he is worth it, I promise. He is very kind and intelligent and very good to me. I assume we'll figure this out soon (taking a trip with a few nights alone mid-month so we will see).

[Boisdevie]

On the other hand, he is clearly scarred by the recent relationship.

I suspect most of us in our 40s have been through some relationships that didn't work out. But we are not 'scarred' by it. I've been divorced but it didn't scar me so much I didn't enjoy sex. You are making excuses for him - kids get in the way yada yada. Don't your kids sleep at night?
You need to talk about this with him or at least make a move on him and see what he does. It's just not normal.

[michelle23]

I agree. Hes nervous for some reason and may even have anxiety. You need to TALK about sex. Don't just try to seduce him. Its not working. Change your approach and ask him whats the deal?

[Wakeup]

I suspect most of us in our 40s have been through some relationships that didn't work out. But we are not 'scarred' by it. I've been divorced but it didn't scar me so much I didn't enjoy sex. You are making excuses for him - kids get in the way yada yada. Don't your kids sleep at night?
You need to talk about this with him or at least make a move on him and see what he does. It's just not normal.

^^ This.

I'd prefer the "make a move on him" approach. Talking about it will just give you exactly what you've already discussed.. his bs baggage. If his baggage is such that he can't/won't/is afraid to screw you, then he needs to talk to a shrink cause you can't help him. If hes not responsive to your vanilla seduction techniques, then can you actually live with being in a platonic relationship with him?

[Wakeup]

I'll add: Let us know how your weekend away goes.