Tempted to stray again, but don't want to end it; I don't know what to do! (Long)

[InTheEnd]

So, I actually just joined because I needed to talk about this. I don't know, I needed to get it out there and get people's feedback. I know everyone will probably give me the same response (to end my current relationship), but I'm hoping someone here might be able to give me better insight.

Basically, three years ago my relationship (of then three years) got really rocky. Things were strained with my boyfriend, and we weren't even sure if we were going to stay together.

During this time, his ex came back into his life "as just a friend." I knew she would be after more because she has a history of coming back to him every once and a while to try to get him back. He denied it, though. I wanted to believe him, but something didn't seem right. He was hanging out with her until very late into the evening, not emailing me, and just spending way too much time with her. In the end, I cracked and I snooped in his email (he'd actually given me the password). In his email (though, hidden in deleted and sent message folders), I uncovered him saying things he should not be saying. The one which sticks in my memory the most is "you said you'd give me whatever I wanted and I'm going to hold you to that ." The messages were very flirty, but there was no concrete message that made it 100% definitive that they had sex. It was very obvious that things were inappropriate, however. This, mixed with the fact that he was saying he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore just made my head spin...

Something in me snapped. I broke down, long nights of crying, and total heartbreak. Did I ever confront him? No. Why? Because I'm stupid. In any case, the result of reading those things -- once I'd finally stopped crying after a few weeks, that is -- was the creation of some sort of monster. I was so hurt that I guess I was out for revenge (which was not good, I know). I ended up becoming a major flirt. I flirted with any guy who seemed interested. And to be honest, I had so much fun doing it. I don't know how, but things eventually got out of hand with a friend from work. Flirtation went really far to the point of graphic messages, phone sex, and extremely inappropriate over-clothes touching. We'd take our lunch break together, go out to get food, but by the end of it one of us would end up teased/touched either during the drive or under the table in the lunch room (even with people around!). Truth be told, I never felt guilty even once.

After about 8 months of this, my partner came to visit me (we are long distance). As a result, things sort of cooled off between my friend and I. Not too long after he left, I went from full time to part time at work because I went back to school and so we didn't see each other often.

Fast forward to present day. My partner and I are now engaged (still long distance, though), and I no longer work where I did. The other day, I returned to my former place of work to buy some things and ran into my friend. We stopped to chat for a few minutes, he gave me his new number, he rang through my purchase, and I left. We spent most of the day texting, though, and caught up on a lot. He is also going back to school in the fall (just happens to be the school I currently go to) and is now married. We reminisced about the times we used to have and he jokingly suggested picking it all back up. Well, that led to conversation of, despite both of us being either married or almost married, us both really missing our old "relationship." It was nothing serious, we never had sex (though, we definitely talked about it), and had no feelings beyond friendship.

I don't know what I was thinking, but I agreed to picking it back up, even though we both knew it would not be okay with our partners. He doesn't feel guilty about cheating on his new wife of nearly a year (whether actual sex takes place or not, though he made a point to say he thinks we finally will since we were so close before), and oddly, I don't feel guilty about it either. We haven't gotten together yet, but we've certainly exchanged some inappropriate messages since we got back in touch and had phone sex. I recognize that I should feel guilt, and recognize how immoral my actions are, but for some reason I'm enjoying myself and not feeling bad. I don't know if it is because this "relationship" has already happened in the past, during which time I was so angry about what my boyfriend had been doing behind my back (even if I never confirmed it), and I have become desensitized, or whether I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. Or maybe I'm still feeling hurt about what my boyfriend did and am acting out on it because I continue to be a major flirt, even if nothing has gotten physical like it did with my co-worker.

The thing is, I am beginning to think I am not attracted to my now fiance anymore. I love him, but I don't feel sexually interested in him. At the same time, I don't want to end our emotional relationship, and I don't want an emotional relationship with my friend. I don't know what to do or what I want. I don't know what to think about my lack of concern for the feelings of my partner or those of my friend's wife. I'm so confused... It is selfish, but in my mind I recognise that I want the emotional relationship with my fiance, but a sexual one with my friend. My friend feels the same (emotional with his wife, sexual with me). Can anyone offer some insight?

[Wakeup]

You're out of control.. in fact you've lost your mind. Break up with your long distance boyfriend and DO NOT contact THE MARRIED MAN. You're heading towards an emotional cheese grater that will strip you of all sense of self-respect and which will shake your confidence and self-worth down one hook up at a time with this piece of cheating shit who is tempting you to be THE OTHER WOMAN as well as a cheating piece of shit just like him.

HE'S MARRIED. don't go there. Go see your school guidance councelor and ask for a referral for a psych consult. I don't mean that disrespectfully but you've temporarily lost your mind and he/she will help you find it.

[InTheEnd]

Honestly, I didn't even know he was married when we agreed to starting our relationship back up. He wasn't wearing a ring when I saw him, and he didn't mention it until hours afterwards. Yet, even though he eventually mentioned it, I didn't care.

And I recognise that I may have lost my mind. Something is obviously wrong if I recognise that I should feel guilty when I don't... I just don't know what I want!

[basilandthyme]

The only insight I can give is that long distance relationships rarely work. People don't get their needs met, the intimacy is hard to sustain and it's too easy to find the missing things locally.

I think you need to either sh1t or get off the pot. It's time to be honest with your boyfriend. Together the two of you need to decide to either end things or move together NOW. And if the two of you have priorities which prevent you from living together, it's a clear indication that this relationship is too far down the priority list to survive. In which case, it needs to be ended.

And do the right thing and stop this business with the other guy.

[Wakeup]

Honestly, I didn't even know he was married when we agreed to starting our relationship back up. He wasn't wearing a ring when I saw him, and he didn't mention it until hours afterwards. Yet, even though he eventually mentioned it, I didn't care.

And I recognise that I may have lost my mind. Something is obviously wrong if I recognise that I should feel guilty when I don't... I just don't know what I want!

So don't jump into something just because the opportunity presents itself and you're confused. Just how happy do you think you're going to be when he isnt' with you on holidays, his birthday, when you need him because he's with his wife and can only see you when it suits him and he has the time enough to spend with you to get his wick wet? If you think you're lonely now being long distance from your bf, you'll be even worse off if you "get with" a married adulterer.

It doesn't matter that you didn't know he was married then, you do now so if he ever contacts you, tell him you're not interested in fooling around with a married man and then end the conversation.

I still say you should lose your current bf. You don't even love the man so why on earth would you marry him? Go get some guidance and help yourself through this blip you're in. Don't ruin your emotional health because "you don't know what your want." Do nothing at this point except end the relationship you're in and then work on your own issues before being with anyone new.

[InTheEnd]

The only insight I can give is that long distance relationships rarely work. People don't get their needs met, the intimacy is hard to sustain and it's too easy to find the missing things locally.

I think you need to either sh1t or get off the pot. It's time to be honest with your boyfriend. Together the two of you need to decide to either end things or move together NOW. And if the two of you have priorities which prevent you from living together, it's a clear indication that this relationship is too far down the priority list to survive. In which case, it needs to be ended.

And do the right thing and stop this business with the other guy.

Valid about priority lists and where the relationship stands. I guess it can just be hard to let go when we're going on seven years together to just end it, especially when I am still so emotionally attached to my fiance.

So don't jump into something just because the opportunity presents itself and you're confused. Just how happy do you think you're going to be when he isnt' with you on holidays, his birthday, when you need him because he's with his wife and can only see you when it suits him and he has the time enough to spend with you to get his wick wet? If you think you're lonely now being long distance from your bf, you'll be even worse off if you "get with" a married adulterer.

It doesn't matter that you didn't know he was married then, you do now so if he ever contacts you, tell him you're not interested in fooling around with a married man and then end the conversation.

I still say you should lose your current bf. You don't even love the man so why on earth would you marry him? Go get some guidance and help yourself through this blip you're in. Don't ruin your emotional health because "you don't know what your want." Do nothing at this point except end the relationship you're in and then work on your own issues before being with anyone new.

Honestly? Those things you listed don't bother me at all. Like I said, other than us being friends, we have no emotional attachments to each other. I by no means would expect -- or even want, to be honest -- for us to spend time on holidays, birthdays, etc, or be there when I 'need' him. Other than the sexual connection, I really don't need him for anything except casually hanging out as friends.

See, that "why marry the man you don't love" thing is tricky. I'm not finding myself sexually attracted to him, but I still feel myself loving him. Whether it is genuine or habit, that I'm not sure. All I know is that I'd be devastated to not have him in my life, even if I'm not sexually interested in him.

[michelle23]

Why would you stay with a man who broke your trust 3years ago? Why didnt you confront him? And then to go and do the same thing? Two wrongs dont make it right.

You cannot marry this man-you cant trust each other-and the damage has already been done. I suggest you end your current relationship and start counselling. You definately need it. Your on a self dedtructive path.

As for the other man-he is married and a selfish pig who clearly does not deserve his new wife. Tell him it is wrong and he should be ashamed-you both should! Have no contact with him again.

You should not be in any relationship, you have issues-go sort your head out, turn your life around and when you are in a better place emotionally you can concentrate on meeting someone else.

You sound like a passive aggressive, emotionally immature and insecure.

You could have prevented all of this years ago if you dumped your bf when he betrayed you. Silly girl

[InTheEnd]

Why would you stay with a man who broke your trust 3years ago? Why didnt you confront him? And then to go and do the same thing? Two wrongs dont make it right.

I don't know why I didn't. I should have. I guess it is because, at the time, I was working so hard to convince him to stay with me. Like I said, we were in a bad place before I even found out about it. My crazy heartbroken mind worried that if I spoke up about it, it would seal the relationship's fate, I guess. Even though I was hurt, and even though I eventually went out to get revenge (which as you said, and as I know, two wrongs don't make a right), I guess I was afraid that I had been working so hard for nothing. I was so attached I didn't want to have to let go, even if I was bitter and hurt.

[smackie9]

Your behavior in all this is a sign. A sign that you truly need to keep looking for someone who will fulfill you emotionally, but also be able to commit to you. You owe it to yourself and to your fiance to be honest about this. Call off wedding plans, and make a clean break of it. As for the married guy, there isn't much of a relationship persay, it's just an escape for him from an unsatisfying marriage. Obviously he has laid it out on the table for you to have an affair, but don't expect him to leave his wife. To add, once he is tired of your affair, he will seek out, or come across someone else, and leave you out to dry. If you were smart, you would just walk away from both, and be on your own to figure out what you really need out of life.

[michelle23]

Your needs are not being met by ur partner coz hes too far away. End it now and stop making excuses-nothing justifies your behaviour no matter how you try to dress it up.

Remember how hurt you were 3years ago? Do you think his wife deserves that pain? Except it will be 100times worse for her. HES HER HUSBAND!!

if you feel no guilt for that-you are emotionally dead and need therapy. tell him to do the same before he destroys that poor woman.

this makes me so mad. there should be a law against cheating!! too many people get hurt.

[Wakeup]

Honestly? Those things you listed don't bother me at all.

Who are you trying to kid. the longer you're with him, the more you will want to be with him and then you will start to resent the time he gives his wife. You are wanting to be with this man because you have an attraction to him, you cheated to be with him already so don't try to pretend that you're capable of ****ing him without your emotions becoming involved. You are currently in a low sense of self-worth pit by all accounts and that will only make you act even more desperately.

Like I said, other than us being friends, we have no emotional attachments to each other. I by no means would expect -- or even want, to be honest -- for us to spend time on holidays, birthdays, etc, or be there when I 'need' him. Other than the sexual connection, I really don't need him for anything except casually hanging out as friends.

It's easy to say that now that you can't possibly have any idea how you'll actually react once you start this nonsense. However; if you are only going to justify then all the good arguements why you shouldn't will just be wasted on you.

See, that "why marry the man you don't love" thing is tricky. I'm not finding myself sexually attracted to him, but I still feel myself loving him. Whether it is genuine or habit, that I'm not sure. All I know is that I'd be devastated to not have him in my life, even if I'm not sexually interested in him.

So what will you do. Cheat on him your whole entire marriage? Do him a favor and tell him you'd like an open marriage so he can **** other people who are willing as well. Don't be selfish, self-serving amongst all the other negative attributes that can be applied here.

[smackie9]

Note***Just remember how devistated you felt when you discovered those flirty message between your fiance and his ex.

[michelle23]

she wont listen to us-prob a waste of time. people like her learn the hard way after shes ****ed up every one elses lives and shell still say "poor me" sigh

[ashley89]

so messed up on so many levels... anything I would have said has been said, she is stubborn and only wants her opinion validated which isn't going to happen here... smell ya later