She's over her daughters father but not over what he did to her

[mo487]

So I've been in a fantastic relationship for the past 6 months witha wonderful mother of a 3 year old. I do love her and things have gone very well between us. We handle argumens and disagreements very well and we are very understanding to each others issues or problems whatever they may be.
Her and her daughters father have been apart for about two years now and I am positive that she doesn't love him or want to be with him. Of course there is the normal baby father drama that comes with dating someone with a child and I have the patience to deal with it.
One thing I had noticed about two months back was that he can be hurtful in the way he talks to her and sometimes she can be spiteful towards to him. That all seems pretty normal when dealing with exes but it sometimes gets to the point where I begin to feel like she needs to prove something to him.
She doesnt have him on child suport. He only pays for her day care ($250 a month) and sometimes for pull ups. She claims its not to be mean but I feel like shes more scared then anything else. And it seems that way for a lot of things. She'll sometimes throw it in his face the things she does for their daughter and its all because she wants to prove that she is a better person and parent. I dont see the need for it.
Her and I went out over the weekend and she became very drunk. She ended up all emotional crying about what he did to her. About how after a week of being apart he moved in with the woman he is with now. She said it made her feel like she wasnt good enough and damaged her self esteem. Which I do understand and get completely. but it has efftected her to the point where she feels the need to prove herself to him. It also seems like she wont stand up to him at times because she is scared of how he may react. Again she is over him and i believe her. But she is not over wht he did. Whenever he is rude with her, it hurts her ( as much as she mat deny it i can tell it bothers her) and she wont stand up for herself.
The next morning after her drunken conffesion we discussed it and she told about how he made her feel. I am being understanding. My response to all of it is that I understand that it made her feel that way but it kind of sucks knowing that some other guy, despite who he may be, has that effect on the woman I am with. It makes me feel like im second to him at times. That she cares about his opinion of him of her more than mine.
She knows Im right and it makes it her feel like shit but because of that and because its a fresh topic she closes up when we discuss it. So im trying to be patient and let her think it over a little bit. But patience runs thin and a persons mind eats at them.
My question is, am I wrong for feeling the way I do? How can I go about helping her get past this? Would I be wrong for saying something to him about the way he talks to her? How can I explain to her that she needs to stop having ny convo with him outside their daughter because he is only going to try to hurt her?

[FlaCooln]

Interfering with baby daddy drama is difficult. She may take offence and he may as well. However, I would say something and have been in a similar situation in the past, but it was not my GF it was my GF's cousin. The cousin's baby daddy was a real dead beat and one day when myEx and I were at a party I ran into him and we were shooting the shit.

I sat him down and had a man to man discussion with him. I told him to get his life together, stop being an ass to his ex/the cousin and get a real job so he can pay child support. That it was sad that I see his kid more than he does. I went further to say that his kid is counting on him and it was time to grow up. Well at first he wasn't taking it well and I said, "is what your doing now working and healthy?" He took my advice, but maybe me being older than him helped.

Sometimes you got to force people to see the pain they cause, even if you look like the bad guy for a bit. They will thank you for it later. Lastly, you may want to discuss it with your GF 1st and then confront her Ex.

[michelle23]

This man betrayed her and shattered her heart into tiny little pieces. the past two years she has been trying to put those pieces back together. My guess is he left her for the other woman and could have been having an affair. That leaves lots of scars and it is a healing process which will take time.

You just need to be patient. Those scars will probably always be there and she will have a fear of something similar happening again. Look up the stages of grief after infidelity and how it affects the partner left behind. It is a BIG BIG deal and a horrible nightmare for anyone to go through.

You are right that she probably does not still love him and does not want him back but it is normal for her to feel angry at him for destroying their family and breaking every promise he ever made to her and their child.

You could suggest that she goes for counselling to help her heal and grow from this bad experience and let her talk to you about how bad it was for her every now and then. It is normal for her to need to let it out.

Don't let it make you feel like you are second best-that is not true. She probably thinks you are a better man than him and hopefully you will never let her down this way if you get married or start a family.

What she went through IS the worst kind of betrayal and it is something that is hard to ever fully heal from. Thats why counselling would be a great idea.

As for her trying to prove something to him-a part of her probably wants him to be sorry for what he did. She probably wants an apology but will more than likely never get one so again counselling is a good idea.

[mo487]

Thank you for responding.... that is part of the issue but not the problem im having right now. i do plan on having a discussion about the way he talks to my girl and I am more than willing to respect him when it comes to his daughter but the respect must be mutual when it comes to my girl. He Has been told about it but chooses not to respect that so I have chosen to not hear him out or show him the same respect when it comes to being around his daughter.
My main issue right now is how should I feel about my girl caring about is opnion so much? Me being her man makes me think my opnion should be the majority. and her proving herslef to him makes me feel second

[mo487]

thank you michelle... that was very helpful advice.. I appeciate it

[michelle23]

Karma is a bitch and I'm sure hell get what he deserves. The new women might even cheat on him one day.. Wait and see..

As for the child-you cant force him to take responsibility and at the end of the day- his child will judge him for that one day.

[mo487]

I figured all that. He'll eat shit one day. He all ready dislikes me because she goes over his place talking about me and how I'm "nice" and "fun". Its mean to feel good that she did that but the day she realizes the dick he is will be my triumph

[mo487]

and not that im doing it to be a dick cuz that little girl is awesome and deserves the best but at the same time it feels good to be the better man sometimes

[Wakeup]

I figured all that. He'll eat shit one day. He all ready dislikes me because she goes over his place talking about me and how I'm "nice" and "fun". Its mean to feel good that she did that but the day she realizes the dick he is will be my triumph

Why is she going over to his place?

[michelle23]

Hes talking about the kid going to the fathers place i think.

[Wakeup]

Whoops, tks.. my bad.

[mo487]

lol.. yea i meant her daughter... my bad

[michelle23]

Have we answered your questions mo or would you like more advice? Have you any other questions? Have you decided how to proceed?

[mo487]

I think my questions have been answered. My thought is that Im going to have to be understanding. Her trying to prove herself is her looking for an apology or recognition as a good woman because she feels like he robbed her of her self confidence. I can be understanding and take no personal offense to it. I do want to talk to her though because I guess I need reassuance that this is something I wont have to live with for the rest of my life. I dont want to have deal with her looking for him for her self worth when she has someone (me) more than willing and capable to do so. She knows how I feel for her and that I see her as the most valuable thing in my life, but her looking for that approval from someone else kinda makes me feel like how I see her holds no water. Especially looking for it from someone who is the most undeserving of any attention from her. Again tho I get why she does what she does (thanks to your awesome explaination michelle). I do feel a certain way about it but can be understanding and patient when dealing with it. Its not something that will happen over night but i need her to understand how i feel and hopefully work to getting past it

[michelle23]

You should definitely talk to her and try to understand why she does that. I don't think its because she needs his approval or attention but she probably wants him to suffer and feel even a fraction of her pain.

Talk it out openly in a non judgmental way. Let her know your here for her and want to make her happy again.

Self confidence comes from within so she will need to rebuild that alone but you being here for her will certainly help with that.

Best of luck