Do you ever truly get over that one? Is it linked to self-esteem?

[michelle23]

There is nothing wrong with being wrong sometimes. You can grow and learn from this experience and at least you know what to avoid now in the future

[Wakeup]

How does one do the work to get over her? I agree I need closure on this, but I also agree I should not contact her. Would counselling help? How would it help? I agree with everyone that this is all a waste of time. I put her on a pedestal in terms of how she lives her life, etc, but at the same time, I don't even really like her. I think she's arrogant, rude, and she treated me appallingly

I do exercise quite a lot, and it does help, but not entirely.

As I said... you have to consciously change the movie you have going on in your head starring your ex. You said you can spend the whole night just thinking about her... well stop doing that. If she pops in your head then purposely change the subject of your thoughts away from her onto something unrelated to her or the relationship you once had. Keep yourself busy doing things you like to do with people you like to be around. If you've ever wanted to start a hobby or join a group of kindred spirits, then now is the time. Concentrate on yourself and making you the best you that you can be. Get a routine going at the gym, take a course, read self-improvement books. A good book for you might be The Five Stages of Grief.

I'm one of the first people to say get councelling if one has obvious issues other than emotional pain from a breakup but I think you've just gotten into a routine of making your grief your best friend and you just need to change that up by being cognizant of when you're being maudaulin and then getting yourself out of that state by not dwelling on her.

If after looking after yourself better and making you your prime focus instead of her, you can't seem to shake your current state, then think about getting some professional help but at this point you've done NOTHING to help yourself.

[michelle23]

PS, I'm reading what you wrote on the other thread (I should delete it) but I have to say I disagree with the time required to get over a relationship being a third of the time you were together. There are so many other variables to consider - how intense was it? Who dumped whom? How long was the full relationship? I've been out with women, ended it, and next day I'm absolutely fine.

In our case, we were together properly for a month - but by staying in contact with her, we've had a "relationship", where she kept me dangling for six months. We've only jsut gone no-contact.

I see your point and I understand what your saying but I think you have to give yourself a timeline before you say enough is enough and realize life is for living. I have been with my partner five years and if it didn't work out-the most healing time I would allow myself would be 2 years. Even if we were together 50 years-I would still only allow 2 years before it is time to accept its over and move on.

But I think people who were together less than a year-should not let it cripple them so much.

[Wakeup]

Further to my post above:

but by staying in contact with her, we've had a "relationship", where she kept me dangling for six months.

You might want to change your sense of victimhood which will help you get past this as well. You allowed yourself to be strung along. You need to learn and understand without a doubt that when someone isn't treating you well, YOU need to take action and be proactive in getting them out of your life.

Quit leaving your emotional health in the hands of those who don't value you... Lesson learned, onward and upward.

[vashti]

I don't think there is anything wrong with counseling per se, but I have to agree with Wakeup that you must force yourself to do something other than obsess about this woman, and I think counseling might only serve to perpetuate your obsession. I guess it would all be a matter of the quality of your therapist.

[fearoflove]

You are just obsessed with her because you feel she is better than you. You want validation. So, in your situation, yes, it is linked to your self-esteem.

Recognize that her success is not yours. So, even if you are able to be with her, it doesn't make you more successful. If you want to be successful, you have to work on it yourself.