Help please, Fading relationship

[Collabos]

So I met my girlfriend back in 2010. I was 16 then and she was 15. She is one year lower than me in school. Everything in the begining was amazing. We didnt get into a fight for about 10 months, and things were truely amazing. We have been through so much. Right now I am 19 in my first semester for law enforcement, and she is still a senior in high school. We currently live 2 hours apart.

She has always been there for me and I have always been there for her. I feel like she has helped me the most in my life, other than family.

She was sexually abused by her ex boyfriend. Not to the point where he would physically trap her, but he would emotionally to get sex out her and she hated it. She some how got out of that relationship that only lasted about 4 months. She thought that was real love, but I showed her what REAL love was. Her ex was in my grade, and his locker was near ours. She would get severe anxiety when he was near and she would duck and clutch on to me for protection to feel safe. I felt so bad. I would protect her.

Her family is a very loud family ( always yelling from room to room, not in a bad way) and my family is very quiet(you could hear a pin drop). I love the quiet and calmness and she is the loud type because of her family. So energetic. I am the total oppisite. Some people say that oppisites attract, and some people say that we are too different.

Im not just trying to rant on here, but over the past year or so I found her loudness really annoying to the point where I might get a little frustrated. I don't feel like I could stand it for a long while, so since we are going on 3 years + of a relationship we will probably move in with each other in the next year or so. I wouldn't know how that would work.

I have made some... rather bad mistakes in our relationship. Let me make this clear, I have NOT cheated. But I have lied to her face. Since im going into law enforcement, I never go to parties. I do not drink or smoke. But at the end of my senior year, one of my really good friends that I have known since I was 5, begged me to go to just one party to have a good time since I was moving away. So I did, but since my girlfriend is soo against partying and such, I knew she would kill me if she found out. Long story short, I ended up lying to her face and she found out the next day. She was so mad at me she didnt talk to me for a week, and I thought she broke up with me. But luckily she came around.

Thats where things went downhill.

Now that I have moved away, things have been a hard struggle. This is the part where people say high school relationships dont last during college. I go to a Law Enforcement technical college, so I guess you could call it a sausage fest, for lack of a better term. Although there are some girls. She claims she trusts me, but when I am hanging with my friends, she always asks if there are girls around. Where it gets really confuzing is when she likes to hold tiny little problems in, and when she finally opens up and gets upset at me, everything comes out at once. She ends up either yelling/complaining at/to me for many many different things and expects me to fix them. If she gets really upset, she will threaten a break up, and mention "Have fun with ____!" ( a recent girl that I became friends with on facebook, old friends etc.) Which really upsets me because of the obvious threat of break up, and because ive tried my hardest to get her trust back after my mistakes.

She has a tiny bit of anger issues. Or something close to that. She expects me to text her back within 2 minutes of her texting me, or she ends up getting really annoyed then she say over text "K, you're busy. Bye". I say I am sorry and that I was busy. I explain why. She will say "Just no, im going." Then I say "Alright" back to her. She won't respond for about 4 hours and then randomly says "K lets not talk then tomorrow too!!". Obviously I know that texting is a bad form of showing emotion, so I call. Since she is heated and mad, she will ignore my call untill I call about 10 times. She will answer saying WHAT!? and I have to explain that I dont want to fight again for this stupid crap, and its pointless. It is hard for me because I feel like I have to be head over heel texting her immedietly or there is a problem. Hello, im human, and it happens. It actually causes me to be nervous texting her sometimes to the point of where I dont want to text her because she will get mad if I dont respond immedietly. It's obvious though that if I dont text her, there will be a bigger problem. So I have to.

She is known somewhat to be all over the place with her emotions, a drama queen of some sort. Ive heard that from my friends and family without even asking them. Many people have told me to dump her because she is unstable. But being the young love that I am, I tried to work with it. Again I dont like to blame her, because I am not perfect either.

We do not have many phone conversations because of our schedules are so conflicting. She gets done from her high school PSEO college program at noon, while I get done at three. She starts dance at three ish. We barely have time to talk. We dont talk much or text much about how we miss each other. Our love has been fading. Of course I love her, but you know what I mean. The spark in the begining is clearly gone. Now it only seems that we talk on the phone when there is a problem.

Our sex life isn't good. She feels like because our relationship isn't good, we shouldn't have sex. I believe that if we have sex, that our relationship will be better because we will be closer. But since I am a young adult, I do want to have sex quite often. She always turns me down. She has gotten mad at me some times, and at other times has cried because of me asking. She said that she cried because of her past rememberance of her ex boyfriend, but she has cried multiple times that I started to believe that I was abusing her sexually because of how she reacted. She only reacted that was because of her past, I know though. It's still difficult. Ive read that sex is a healthy part of a relationship and that in some situations, it can make or break a relationship.

I find myself getting jitters(or butterflies) with other girls and not my girlfriend. Even simple friends that I would never think of being with. When people ask about her I only say she is good. I have nothing good to say.. which makes me question us. A lot.

Just for the experience of one of my roommates turing 18 and me never going, we went to the strip club. My girlfriend doesn't know. I feel bad, but because of our situation, I didnt care at all. My friend got me a lap dance. The stripper ended up graduating from the same high school as I did. We ended up talking for quite some time,about a half hour ish. I felt more of a connection with her than I feel with my own girl... I thought about her for days. I would much rather feel it with my girlfriend. But I dont. Why? Is our relationship dead?

Because of all of this, and all of the distance and fighting, I have been quite neglecting of her. She has admitted and I continue to tell her that every time we fight, EVEY time that she starts it. I never complain/get mad/ yell and what not. I have gotten personally stressed out to the max with worrying about us and her that I dont think I can take it much more. And thats why I am here, asking for help. I toss and turn when I sleep. I dont know if I am depressed or not, but I think i'm okay.

Because of all of this fighting, and since she gets mad, I feel like I have to fix the situation. I always say sorry first and I have to kiss and make up while she has her walls up. It gets frustrating. It's at the point where I dont want to even see her if I visit home because I will spend all of my energy making up with her. I dont have much energy to put in this relationship anymore. I feel like I have to deal with so much.

I didnt get her anything for valentines day because in the past when I did, everything was good for a week ish. Then it turned back to the same and I felt that what I did for her did not matter. I dont feel like lavishing her in gifts because I feel it doesnt help.



Questions: One thing that I have always wondered is that if this is true love. I think I know what love is, but do I really? I mean, because this is my first and only girlfriend. Is it true love? Should I break up with her? Should I stay with her? Is this relationship healthy?


I know that ive said a lot, and I appreciate anyone who helps me out. I am brand new to this site and I hope to figure something out. A solution, perhaps.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this,

[michelle23]

First of all feeling a connection with a stripper is messed up. I recommend you stay away from places like that in future.

This relationship is unhealthy and you either need to try and make lots of changes or break up. First of all the way she speaks to you is not okay, the way she picks fights over stupid things, her immature way of dealing with conflict and the lack of sex. Also the little lies you have been telling her need to stop.

You are both young so maybe she will grow out of some of those things but right now-it is not a healthy relationship.

Sometimes, you need to accept that she is making you more unhappy than happy and that may be when it is time to end it. If you really want to make it work, give her a chance to make some changes but you need to put your foot down. Even show her what you have written here.

Do you not party or drink because she doesn't want you to or because you don't want to?

OP it sounds like you have already given up and you want out. Is that what you want? Do not be afraid to end it if you are miserable.

[ashley89]

listen, you are only 19. you started dating this girl when you were 16, you guys were (and still are) kids! she is your first love, and will always have special meaning to you. but she is still in high school and you are starting your life as an adult. of course you're going to want to explore, meet new girls and expand your horizons. I hate to say it but most couples who dated in high school don't end up together. and you're saying things like your sex life isn't great, she is starting to bother you in big ways, and it seems she is acting immature about things. it may not be easy but I think if you ended it, you would be happier. it sounds like the relationship is on its way out and you need to experience being young and single while you can! don't waste these years being in an unhappy relationship just because you have been together a few years

[michelle23]

I don't think its that he wants to experience the single life as such as not everyone is into playing the field. I never was.. And he hasn't mentioned that here. I think deep down he knows this relationship is unhealthy and he knows he could be much happier with someone else.

If you do end it OP-you still need to take time to grieve the loss of the relationship before moving on with someone else.

[Collabos]

I don't party or drink because I dont want to. Since I need a clean record basically. I can wait till im 21.

[smackie9]

Focus on your career. Keeping out of complicated relationships will be worth it in the long run. Best of luck

[Collabos]

But when I am with her... everything feels better though. Maybe its just because I see her twice a month? I just saw her today and she explained her feelings and such. She says that I dont appreciate her. Which is not the case, i appreciate everything she does for me. I dont think that I show it very well. She thinks that I dont care. What should I do? I feel I show that I care because I have always been here for her and I still am.

[michelle23]

I am confused. Do you love her? Do you want it to work? Can youvsee a future with her? based on your answer, i will try to give you constructive advice .

Sex should not be an issue when you are both so young.. It should be great and fun.... And that lapdance you got-i would consider that cheating..

[Collabos]

Sorry if I confuse you. I'm pretty confused myself. I want it to work but I don't if you get my drift. It seems all well when we are together, but when we are away it doesn't work at all. I'm just stuck. She is going to a college that's even far away next year. I'm just trying to see if its worth to stick it out.

[toknow]

And that lapdance you got-i would consider that cheating...

Completely agree. Unless he did it for charity...lol..jk.

[sssspanos]

Lap dance is not the problem... For heavens shake!

To the point. You have an unbalanced relationship. No real communication, no sex, no confidence for the TRUE feelings of the other part. I was in the just same situation after 2 years in one of my relationships. It finally lasted 8! Do not make the same mistake!

When you deliver sex, kindness, good communication, love you have to get and expect them them from the other part.

Good luck!

[toknow]

Lap dance is not the problem...

The lap dance is product of the problem, and is a also a problem itself, so yes it's a big problem, and if he thinks it's ok it's an even bigger problem.

[michelle23]

I recommend you sit down, talk about how your feeling, put it all out there in the open and decide whether you want to try and make it work or break up.

Tell her what you are unhappy with and try to compromise. Long distance can work if you both really want it to and if you can trust each other

[sssspanos]

The lap dance is product of the problem, and is a also a problem itself, so yes it's a big problem, and if he thinks it's ok it's an even bigger problem.

Obviously we see things differently... But the problem here is what suits the OP. The worst think he could do would be to blame himself for a lap dance instead of dealing with the real problem that is how he treats himself and his relationship..

[toknow]

He should blame himself for the lap dance. Who should he blame, her? With that kind of loose thinking you will never have a stable relationship.
The lap dance is an indication of the end of their relationship. If that's not bad, than what is it. It's a disaster, don't tell him it's normal because it's not. You are not helping that guy. Creating more problems because of the problems you have is not the answer and never was. He had a problem in his relationship and he goes to solve it how...by getting a lap dance? And then you tell him don't worry about it. When he should know this is the end of it.