Sad Story

[golferdude]

Its quite long but hey, its messed up.

15 years ago to the day, I met and fell in love with my first girlfriend. She was a 16 year old, physically stunning girl (I mean model material) who had just opened up her own dance school to earn some extra money. I was 17 and two years ahead of her in High school. We both went to the same school and that’s where we met. I was not her first exclusive relationship, she was about 8 months out of her first relationship which lasted 20 months and was still very good friends with her ex who was also from the same school and a one year ahead of her in year 11.

When we started dating, we were both virgins and I hadn’t even kissed a girl before. Of course, being my first love, straight away I fell head over heels and seemed she did the same. As time went on we met each others families and I went to her house almost everyday after school for dinner and to hang. A few months went by and during that time our sexual lives progressed quite fast as you do at that age and had done pretty much everything apart from have sex, its like we were waiting for that special moment. There were problems now and then that included her ex and her mum. I didn’t like the idea that her ex was still very good friends with her. He would still call her up, sometimes when I was there and even visit. He was even invited to her 16th Bday and she asked him to help out with the curtains at her 1st dance concert. She could tell I was insecure about it and it would cause problems now and then.

Now the problem with her mum was just plain bad luck. My girlfriend would often come to me and tell me that her mum was unfair, a bitch, this that and the other. So one day I wrote my GF a letter and dropped it off at her house, now I said in the letter that “her mum had pathetic ways”. Her mum found this letter and the shit hit the fan. There was a family meeting, where her mum told me off, told me I was trying to push her daughter away from her and pretty much brought me to tears. It ended with me apologizing and some new rules were set, like I couldn’t see her on school nights. The mum said she would forgive me, not forget. The parents had some close friends who offered me a job, which I took, but absolutely hated and gave up after 4 weeks, which also lost me points with her parents.

Another few months went by and I was finishing school and had booked a week away with some mates to the gold coast (schoolies week). This was already booked before I met her and she and I had decided that I should still go. My girlfriend was too young to come. Now, during the six months that we had been dating, I treated her like a absolute princess, I wrote her poems, made her a surprise candlelight dinner for her 16th and would not even swear in her presence. During this time we had not had a single argument. Sure, as I left for schoolies week, there were a few things still not sorted, like my feelings about her ex, but going I felt great that everything was ok. I left a day late so I could see her 1st dance concert, which was a huge success. While I was away, that when the wolves came out..

I knew the ex was still in love with her and this was his big chance with me out of the state to try and win her back. I called a few times while I was away and everything seemed fine. The last time I spoke to her we had a argument and I was missing her like crazy, so I decided to come back a day early. When I got back, it was like she was a liitle bit different, somewhat colder. One thing I can remember her saying was “did you meet anybody over there? Its ok if you did, you are incredibly good looking and young” I thought this was very odd. I asked what she did while I was away and one of the things she said was that she had her ex over one night and had watched a movie in her room?? I asked her if anything had happened and she said no. I wasn’t ok with it, but acted like I was and didn’t bring it up again. A day or two later she also told me that my brother who was 27 at the time had called her and that they spoke for an hour. I asked what they spoke about and she said “you”. Straight away this rang alarm bells in my head. She also told me that my brother had told her not to tell me that he called… Why the alarm bells you say?

I have to older brothers and when they were just finishing school, they too went off to schoolies week. Now at the time the brother that called my GF was single and my other brother had a girlfriend. To make a long story short, while they were away, the single brother called my other brothers girlfriend and told her he was being unfaithful. He eventually manipulated her enough and ended up sleeping with her behind his back while they were still dating a little time later. That’s why the alarm bells. So here I am, not only stressing about the ex trying to get her back, but my 27 year old brother was calling her behind my back telling her who knows what!!.. She then told me not to tell my brother that she told me about my brother calling her and telling her not to tell me…! I was a mess. I didn’t know what to think. Was my brother calling her to put things into her head and try to split us up? Was my girlfriend cheating on me? Was my brother trying to get onto my 16 year old GFs pants? This caused more insecurity on my behalf and lead to us starting to argue. I decided to confront my brother and ask him why he called her. He got upset that she told me and proceeded to say that “I don’t own her”. He didn’t tell me what they spoke about, but I just assumed that it was all for the wrong reasons. So every from then on, every time she would call my place and I wasn’t there and he would answer, he would never give me the message that she left, which caused more problems between us. Two months later, she broke up with me over the phone and about a month later, she got back with her ex. In that phone call she said, its not working, you’re a liar, your not who I thought you were?? I never really found out why she broke up with me. We never had sex. The relationship lasted 8 months.

Till this day, 15 years later, I always thought that it was because of something my brother had told her in that phone call, for this reason, I have had no relationship with my older brother since then. 15 years. We have not spoken about it since. I have not had a serious relationship since her. I feel that whole traumatic experience psychologically damaged me and now I am a 34 year old introvert/recluse, who still lives at home with no ambitions to ever have children or another relationship. I feel I cannot trust anyone. I Still think about it everyday.

If you look at my other posts, you find that most are about this issue.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[basilandthyme]

Mate, I looked back at your old posts and I'm so sad for you. Not sad over what happened 15 years ago - that's just normal teenage sh1t which happens to all of us. I'm sad that you've spent so long trapped in the past. What a waste of your life.

I rarely recommend counselling, but if I ever saw anyone in dire need of it, it's you. Unless you can get on top of it, your lack of resilience is something which will hold you back forever.

[michelle23]

I agree you need counselling if you dont want to waste the rest of your life dwelling on the past.

[toknow]

Whoa...This is pretty bad. But your mistake is that you didn't do whatever it takes to find out what that "brother" of yours told your girlfriend. And what kind of a person breaks up over the phone...very lame.

If you want closure on this, you must find out what your brother told her to the letter. Then you need to contact the ex, and tell her your situation and that you need closure for her to explain in detail what went wrong. Tell her not to spare you the ugly details and tell you the truth, and if she cheated on you, it's better that you know. Because in your mind she is probably an angel, but if you knew who she really is, it might not be so hard to get over her.

Your mistake, you didn't do your hardest to find out and wasted all this time looking for answers in the wrong place - in your mind - where you have a lot of info missing of what happened and why.

You must find out the answers to these questions if you want to move past this, or you could be stuck on it for the rest of your life.

[michelle23]

Its true you need closure and counselling. You need to do this now so you can move on and meet someone else.

[m8check]

I feel sad for you. I agree with other posters, you need to seek help to drag you out of the situation you are currently at. It's not yet late to start a new life.

[golferdude]

The thing is, i can confront my brother about this, but i know all i will get is "i don't remember" or "i said nothing wrong" or the most likely outcome, he will just lie. Even though the act of a 27 year old calling his younger bothers 16 year old girlfriend while he was out of the state and then putting her in a very difficult situation by asking her not to tell me that he called her was already bad enough as it is, without the unknown 1 hour dialogue in between. I cant even get any sort of remorse from my own parents after sharing my thoughts and issues with them many times. They either dismiss that ever happened or say that this was not why she broke up me. Either way, they dont see that he has done anything wrong. I,m the bad one. And for this reason, i show little love for my parents.

Its a sick situation of lies, denial and deceit, and i,m the innocent one who has been screwed up by the whole situation, with no one to turn to for advice or support. The world is a sick place yes, but you don't expect your own family to stab you in the back, and take sides.

I guess sharing this helps in some ways. Even if there is no solution.

[toknow]

You must confront him with it. Tell him, "You will never talk to him until he tells you the truth about that call" and tell him that you will at some point find out the truth from her, and you will know if he has lied to you.

Yes betrayal from your own family is one of the hardest betrayals to deal with, because they are supposed to be the people you can trust when you feel like you can't trust anyone else.

Bottom line: you have to find out the truth, or you'll never have closure if you are still feeling that bad after so many years.

[DeanW]

Hey man, I know this must me kinda stupid to read, i had and have some problems with my past, for the past months I have been treating life like a videogame, its all about experience, if people treat you bad, learn with it, move on, get those experience points x) . I try this almost everyday and days have been better. Did he do that to you? The hell with him, lets start a new experience, go to a gym, martial arts, it gives you an incredible boost on confidence.

[searock]

Get therapy, you need it badly.