Who is overreacting?

[michelle23]

I think that is bad advice-dont get married if you think divorce is the solution to every problem searock. Ridiculous to mention divorce because they had a bloody row! And dont be putting ideas in her head. She has no reason to believe therr could be another woman on the scene. If she did im sure she would have mentioned that.

OP you and your husband need to sit down and have a calm honest heart to heart. Communication is whats needed here. Both of you need to swallow your pride, forget that argument and focus on the love you have for each other. You and he are a team and you need to work your problems out together. If you cant do that then it is time to seek professional help through marriage counselling

[searock]

I think that is bad advice-dont get married if you think divorce is the solution to every problem searock. Ridiculous to mention divorce because they had a bloody row! And dont be putting ideas in her head. She has no reason to believe therr could be another woman on the scene. If she did im sure she would have mentioned that.

I never mentioned another woman, and I don't think divorce is the solution to every problem o.O. I'm not putting any ideas in her head, I'm sure she's perfectly capable of thinking for herself. I just wrote what I think about this situation, if you don't like it as I said feel free to ignore.

It's not just a row, judging by what she wrote, he treats her like that on a regular basis. She should have thought twice before marrying him, but this doesn't mean that she has to be stuck with him forever even if he makes her miserable. If there are kids involved then of course divorce should be the last option.

[michelle23]

But we can only give advice based on the info that was given. Thats all im saying.

[searock]

That's true.

[basilandthyme]

Rob, my experience with counsellors is that they don't give advice. You turn up unhappy with your marriage and sex life end up discussing your parents. Counselling certainly didn't help me when my marriage was failing.

What would have helped me when my marriage was ending would have been a group of strangers telling me what they'd do if they were in my shoes. And I'd quite enjoy having the contradicting opinons to consider.

Lastly, people get what they pay for. If they want to pay nothing, then they get advice from a bunch of unskilled strangers on the internet. If they want professional advice, they will see a professional.

[michelle23]

I think its okay to talk to strangers to see what others would do in that situation. You can get lots of different advice.

If your not happy with a certain counsellor, you can get another one. And sometimes a persons relationship problems do stem from the past such as insecurity, infidelity, trust issues, uncomfortable with affection or intimacy etc. Sometimes you cant fix a problem without going back in time and if thats what it takes to avoid divorce-i say do it! Unless theres infidelity-he can sort that shit out on his own while i run as fast as i can away from him

[basilandthyme]

If your not happy with a certain counsellor, you can get another one. And sometimes a persons relationship problems do stem from the past such as insecurity, infidelity, trust issues, uncomfortable with affection or intimacy etc. Sometimes you cant fix a problem without going back in time and if thats what it takes to avoid divorce-i say do it! Unless theres infidelity-he can sort that shit out on his own while i run as fast as i can away from him

True. But my marital problems stemmed from him turning into a pessimistic, miserable, antisocial, refuse-to-leave-the-house guy who refused marriage counselling. I just needed to discuss the options I had and to have reassurance that I wasn't crazy for being unhappy.

[michelle23]

I think relationship counselling is about finding a better way of communicating with each other, going back remembering why you fell in love in the first place and learning to put each other first and compromise etc but sometimes two people are so wrong for each other-they just should not be together

I think counselling before marriage is a good idea so then your both going into it with your eyes wide open and know what to expect. You need to be prepared for the good times and the bad and stay strong for each other etc..

Some people end up hurting each other so bad that they cannot go back and fix it-its broken and that is sad

[Rico Len]

Well I can kind of understand this guy's frustration. He IS over-reaction IMO. That's my answer to your question, but I can sympathesis with him too. If it were me, I could see going in to a marriage thinking that maybe in time, once we've been married a while and she (you) realized I weren't going to leave you for something so simplistic that hopefully you'd let your guard down once in a while. Not being able to let go of your baggage is kind of a big issue imo. My opinion is that women who always have to wear makeup and freshen up before they go out are superficial and fake at least that would be my first impression. I'm not judging, I'm just saying that's my first impession .

My mother is someone like that. I once had to go to the hospital, but I had to wait while she got all dolled up and it left me with a resentment of her that's never gone away, but rather mellowed into a constant rolling eye and annoyance of her. If you have kids do you want them to grow up feeling similarly about you?

Now that said, my dad is ultra supportive of her, and appreciates the care she puts into her appearance. He not too long ago mentioned to me that he was looking around at people their age (mid 70's) and seeing how everyone their age are big round balls and saggy and droopy or bent and crooked, and then he looks at Mom who is just as fit and trim as ever and takes such good care of herself and he realizes how very lucky he was to marry her. They've been married 53 years and it's obvious that while someone like me could never marry someone like my mother, that my dad was a perfect partner for her.

Now while I can certainly understand your husband's frustrations and you should seriously consider your behavior lest your own children resent you for putting your appearance above their own health and beleive me, if you have kids the situation will eventually arise, your husband is still being a child and not nearly patient enough with the one person he is supposed to live the rest of his life with.

My advice, for whatever it's worth, would be to stand up to him and tell him that kind of behavior must stop, but then to prioritize situations where it's acceptable to spend time working on your appearance and others where you can force yourself to throw caution to the wind and slum it up, such as when you're going to the corner store for a couple minutes and especially in emergencies.