Wanting what you know you can't have...

[whatname]

Well this is where your personality it self has a great effect on how your thougth process works.

I personally since i was very small learned to look at things in a realistic way, i am now a critical thinker, confident, albeit introverted, but i try to see my problem with every perspective i find possible.

Heck if i cant even considerate a problem i dont worry about it.

Now ive met many people who i have been interested in but i cant have for several reasons, and i look at the problem and possible solutions..thats what you should do but of course its easier said than done..

For example i have a friend who is cute, caring, charming, not rude, pretty, and shes not someone who sucks the life out of you and puts others down to feel better. She's like me, she treats people with a certain type of respect, and analyzes things, but can be the biggest asshole of them all if needed..

She looked like a great catch, but she has a boyfriend who shes very strong with..So such a great package that i am close to but i cant have it..Does that mean i weep about it...No because that would be putting my self down...am i scared of pain to a point where i am delusional? ..no..but i do whats possible to prevent my self from feeling bad when i dont have to..my personality is built like this and thus.. i cant even remember the last time i really got MAD about something, or depressed...or even cried..( for something tangible like this anyways )

So...try to look at things from a perspective where you get to understand whats happening and try to find a way to make sure that whatever the problem, you dont feel bad, and critically thinking find a solution...

[Guybrush]

I see my best case scenario as settling for someone that doesn't challenge me hard enough to be the kind of person I want to be. I'm reminded of a girl I knew in high school; I *think* she might have liked me, and she was a nice girl, but I never pursued her, because she was just too submissive. I don't think she would've made me challenge myself as much as I'd want.

I don't get this. You think you can have a girlfriend (in fact, you have already had a chance at least once) but you would not like someone who accepts the way you are now. Rather, you want someone who would like you only if you were someone else? Someone who will change you. Don't you see how irrational this sounds?

I am sure you are good enough the way you are now. Based on your post, you are obviously a smart guy, but you think too much! Now go do something!! It does not need to be perfect the first time.

[basilandthyme]

I see my best case scenario as settling for someone that doesn't challenge me hard enough to be the kind of person I want to be. I'm reminded of a girl I knew in high school; I *think* she might have liked me, and she was a nice girl, but I never pursued her, because she was just too submissive. I don't think she would've made me challenge myself as much as I'd want.

Oh dear. It's not up to another person to challenge you. It's your job to challenge and improve yourself.

[Indestructible]

I don't get this. You think you can have a girlfriend (in fact, you have already had a chance at least once) but you would not like someone who accepts the way you are now. Rather, you want someone who would like you only if you were someone else? Someone who will change you. Don't you see how irrational this sounds?

I am sure you are good enough the way you are now. Based on your post, you are obviously a smart guy, but you think too much! Now go do something!! It does not need to be perfect the first time.

Oh dear. It's not up to another person to challenge you. It's your job to challenge and improve yourself.

Perhaps I misspoke. It's not about wanting someone who will "change" me, or want me to be somebody else. Generally speaking, I'm "content" enough with myself that, with no real motivation, I'll allow myself to stay exactly the same. I WANT to be someone better, though, but I don't really have a clear image as to what that "someone better" would actually be like. When I'm around certain people, though, it makes me think about myself, and I start seeing glimpses of that guy I want to be, and I start trying harder to apply those things to myself.

Basically, what I'm saying is, I'm okay with who I am, but I know I can be someone "better". But being that I'm content with the way I am, in order for me to actually work hard to push myself to become that "better" person, I need some solid motivation, and usually, the biggest motivation I get comes from people I like a lot.

I graduated high school in 2007, and I didn't go right into college afterward. Heck, I didn't even feel like looking for a job. But I was "content". A year later, I found a girl I liked a lot, and she had her life together so well that it made me think "What am I doing?", and I found a part time job, and started college. Things didn't end up happening with that girl, though, and I slipped back into being "content". I'm still currently in school, and working that same part time job. This past summer, I fell pretty hard for another girl I met, and not only did that make me start thinking a little harder about my future education/ career prospects, but I was so confident there was something there between me and her, that that confidence helped me overcome one of the biggest fears I've been suffering from for way too many years now. But, things didn't happen with her, either.

Anyway, as far as "challenging" goes, I just meant that I want someone that matches me on a number of things; I want someone I feel equal to in terms of intellect and maturity, so we can actually have engaging discussions. I want someone with my same sense of humor, so we can joke around with each other, playfully tease each other, and have fun little banter. People always seem to suggest I pursue the quiet, overlooked, more reserved type girls, and that's fine, but I'm just not so sure I'd be happy with a girl like that in the long run. This relates back to that girl from high school I described in my last post; she was nice, but she was just too submissive and reserved for my tastes. I maybe could've dated her, and we probably would've dated for a long time (because I would've been "content"), but there just wasn't enough chemistry between us to make me think I would've been happy with her long term.

[Guybrush]

People always seem to suggest I pursue the quiet, overlooked, more reserved type girls, and that's fine, but I'm just not so sure I'd be happy with a girl like that in the long run.

There is a lot to comment in your post, and I will get back to that, but I stopped at this particular sentance.

I am GUESSING that you also appear as a quiet, overlooked and reserved guy at first glance. My experience is that people who have the qualities that you look for aren't the loudest ones, if you get my point.

I maybe could've dated her, and we probably would've dated for a long time (because I would've been "content"), but there just wasn't enough chemistry between us to make me think I would've been happy with her long term.

Man, you analyze too much, and act too little!! Do you really need to make a detailed assessment of a girl as a potential life partner before risking to date her?

You appear as being in desperate need of experience, and that has to start somewhere. Again, you are a very smart guy. But you need to stop theorizing and load up some empiric knowledge. Time to do some field work!

[IndiReloaded]

Re: What you want. This is the first step to understanding your own needs.

Re: What you think you can get. When there is a difference b/t this and above = areas of insecurity for you.

Focus only on what you *want*. Make a list and prioritize it. Take the top 3 and make another list of all the things you think of that will help you achieve those wants.

Then actually do those things. Do them consistently, for at least 3 months. If a thing doesn't work after that, replace it with another idea. Yes, it won't all work out, but a lot of it will and you'll get closer to your goals.

Good luck.

[Indestructible]

Man, you analyze too much, and act too little!! Do you really need to make a detailed assessment of a girl as a potential life partner before risking to date her?

That's just how I am, in general, even beyond girls/ dating. I tend to think about and analyze everything. That's pretty much how I've always been. I observe, I analyze, I run multiple scenarios about things in my head, etc. That's just what I do.

You appear as being in desperate need of experience, and that has to start somewhere. Again, you are a very smart guy. But you need to stop theorizing and load up some empiric knowledge. Time to do some field work!

Focus only on what you *want*. Make a list and prioritize it. Take the top 3 and make another list of all the things you think of that will help you achieve those wants.

Then actually do those things. Do them consistently, for at least 3 months. If a thing doesn't work after that, replace it with another idea. Yes, it won't all work out, but a lot of it will and you'll get closer to your goals.

I see what you're saying, but I'm assuming you're talking in a more general sense, rather than in terms of dating, right? I mean, knowing what you want in a person isn't something you can work to achieve.

I'd say I know what kind of girl I'd like to be with. Actually, the last girl I liked was pretty much my ideal girl. It was almost scary how many of the qualities she had from my "ideal girl" she had. Our sense of humor was identical, so we had a lot of fun together. We both had kinda snarky, sarcastic personalities (though never in a mean-spirited way to other people), we both considered ourselves smart and mature. Heck, we even had a bunch of the same little quirks, we'd make the same odd little observations about stuff, and the same dumb little jokes about things. It was just amazing how well we got along, and that really inspired me to come out of my shell and let that side of me out.

Man, I miss her. I really wish I could find more girls like her. I don't think I've ever known anyone quite like her, and I can't help but have serious doubts that I ever will again.

[IndiReloaded]

I see what you're saying, but I'm assuming you're talking in a more general sense, rather than in terms of dating, right? I mean, knowing what you want in a person isn't something you can work to achieve.

Sorry I was unclear. The first step is to know what you want. The next step is to do things for yourself that will attract the kind of person you want. That is certainly something you can achieve.

Good luck.

[Indestructible]

The next step is to do things for yourself that will attract the kind of person you want. That is certainly something you can achieve.

How do I know what those things are, though? And how do I do them?

[michelle23]

This is not a healthy way to be thinking and all your negative thoughts about yourself, your low self-esteem and insecurity are destructive. Until you sort that out, you will probably not meet someone and if you do meet someone all this negativity will ultimately destroy her because insecure people are destructive whilst in a relationship. They think they have "settled" and always wonder is the grass greener. They sit and wait for someone better to come along and then they cheat or leave their partner for someone else.

Until you sort out all your issues, you should be alone. You have to be emotionally healthy and happy and confident with high self esteem before you are ready to meet someone special. That way when you meet someone, you will never take them for granted and you wont push them away with your own destructive thoughts.

I agree that you should get counselling. With the right attitude and confidence, you will catch and keep someone special

[Indestructible]

This is not a healthy way to be thinking and all your negative thoughts about yourself, your low self-esteem and insecurity are destructive. Until you sort that out, you will probably not meet someone and if you do meet someone all this negativity will ultimately destroy her because insecure people are destructive whilst in a relationship. They think they have "settled" and always wonder is the grass greener. They sit and wait for someone better to come along and then they cheat or leave their partner for someone else.

I dunno. I think the more likely scenario for me is that I'll stick with the first girl I ever date because I'll feel like there ISN'T anyone else for me, even if I'm not that crazy about that particular girl. I really don't think I'd ever entertain the thought of cheating on a girl, or anything like that. I do, however, worry that I'd frequently wonder if she was cheating on me, or whatever, though. "Trust" is a tough area for me, because A) I've trusted the wrong people so many times and got burned every time, and B) I've had to carry the burden of knowing (unbeknownst to her, I might add) that my mom has been having several affairs behind my dad's back.

Until you sort out all your issues, you should be alone. You have to be emotionally healthy and happy and confident with high self esteem before you are ready to meet someone special. That way when you meet someone, you will never take them for granted and you wont push them away with your own destructive thoughts.

I agree that you should get counselling. With the right attitude and confidence, you will catch and keep someone special

Personally, I still don't agree that I give off "negative vibes" to people. All of my "negativity" is internal. I keep it all inside (aside from here on the Internet). Besides, I think it's a bit of a stretch to say you can't/ won't date until you've taken care of all your issues. I'm sure tons of people who are depressed and/ or have other psychological issues are able to date and find love just fine. Who knows how long I'll have my "issues"? It could be years, decades even, until I'm "issue-free". I don't want it to be that long before I find someone.

I don't know whether or not I "should" be alone, but I know that I will be alone. The whole idea of me finding someone special, that I really like a lot, and who really likes me too, that I can have a happy long term relationship with just seems so unrealistic to me. The problem is, thinking/ believing this brings me so much pain, because I don't WANT to be "doomed" to that kind of life. I just wish I could accept "being alone", because then it wouldn't hurt so much anymore. The pain is so hard to deal with. When I'm unable to occupy my mind with something else, I just can't stop thinking about all of this, and it hurts so bad that I can barely keep myself from falling apart. I just want to be done with all of it.

[IndiReloaded]

How do I know what those things are, though? And how do I do them?

Oh come on. Really? This is your homework, not ours. Why don't you post 2-3 ideas and we'll help you then.

[Indestructible]

Sorry, I just... well, I'm at a loss. I don't really know what I need to do to attract the kind of person I'd like to find. I have no idea, yanno?