My Boyfriend's Friend With Benefits

[DanceMe]

My boyfriend is friends with his ex from a few years ago. I broke up with him and he slept with her during our short break up. He and I got back together within a few weeks and he didn't tell me about what happened between them. That is not the real problem, rather it's that he has kept up his friendship with her since. It has been 6 months since all that and I barely found out about it. Meanwhile, she will text and call and they will visit alone. She apparently has a new boyfriend. She was going through a divorce at the time of their hookup. She also apparently wanted to be in a relationship with my boyfriend but he told her he wanted to get back together with me. I get the sense that she is a needy type and looks to my bf for advice.

I feel disrespected that he is still seeing her AND he won't let me meet her or hangout with them. I don't truly know the extent of their friendship and since I have never been included when they see each other I don't know how they interact.

Ideally I would want him to severely limit his interaction with her, but I'm not sure if that is appropriate for me to ask of him. I am not the type to tell my partner what to do.

Please help me make sense of this. Can he and I move forward with this woman in the picture?

[dickriculous]

My boyfriend is friends with his ex from a few years ago. I broke up with him and he slept with her during our short break up. He and I got back together within a few weeks and he didn't tell me about what happened between them. That is not the real problem, rather it's that he has kept up his friendship with her since. It has been 6 months since all that and I barely found out about it. Meanwhile, she will text and call and they will visit alone. She apparently has a new boyfriend. She was going through a divorce at the time of their hookup. She also apparently wanted to be in a relationship with my boyfriend but he told her he wanted to get back together with me. I get the sense that she is a needy type and looks to my bf for advice.

I feel disrespected that he is still seeing her AND he won't let me meet her or hangout with them. I don't truly know the extent of their friendship and since I have never been included when they see each other I don't know how they interact.

Ideally I would want him to severely limit his interaction with her, but I'm not sure if that is appropriate for me to ask of him. I am not the type to tell my partner what to do.

Please help me make sense of this. Can he and I move forward with this woman in the picture?

Well, let's count the red flags. She's his ex, he sexed her up and then continued talking to her after he hooked up with you immediately after he sexed her up, he refuses to let you meet her or hang out with them, and most importantly she has revealed that she wants to be together with him again - this last one combined with her spending time with him now makes her agenda obvious. She's trying to lure him away from you.

Even if you trust your bf (I'm not convinced you can, fyi), you definitely can't trust this chick. If she hasn't gotten in his pants since you got back together with him I guarantee she has tried, and again, she's definitely trying to lure him away from you so she can have him to herself.

Moreover, unless your bf is borderline retarded he knows she's trying to lure him away from you and he's still seeing her...even if he's not fukking her I have to question if he has any respect for you.

I would just walk away from this mess. Probably not what you wanted to hear but that's my advice.

[searock]

Red flags everywhere... the mere fact that he doesn't want you to hang out with the two of them means that he's hiding something. I think you should tell him either he stops seeing her, or he stops seeing you.

[Wakeup]

The chances are extremely high that he's fvcking both of you. Even if they aren't going to bed when they are alone together, he is keeping her on the hook in case you two break up again and then he can just pick up where he left off. What is so good about this man that you'd let him treat you like he is? You "aren't the type of girl to tell her boyfriend what to do" (what? even when he disrespects you?) .. and that is the very type of girl every players wants.

[ashley89]

I feel disrespected that he is still seeing her AND he won't let me meet her or hangout with them. I don't truly know the extent of their friendship and since I have never been included when they see each other I don't know how they interact.

lololol, I think if you were to truly be included you would find yourself part of a 3some my dear cause that's what they're doing when they're alone

[DanceMe]

The chances are extremely high that he's fvcking both of you. Even if they aren't going to bed when they are alone together, he is keeping her on the hook in case you two break up again and then he can just pick up where he left off. What is so good about this man that you'd let him treat you like he is? You "aren't the type of girl to tell her boyfriend what to do" (what? even when he disrespects you?) .. and that is the very type of girl every players wants.

The chances are extremely high that he's fvcking both of you. Even if they aren't going to bed when they are alone together, he is keeping her on the hook in case you two break up again and then he can just pick up where he left off. What is so good about this man that you'd let him treat you like he is? You "aren't the type of girl to tell her boyfriend what to do" (what? even when he disrespects you?) .. and that is the very type of girl every players wants.

Thanks for your reply. He broke our trust by lying and then continued to disrespect me by still seeing her. I think there was a time in there when he told her to back off from contacting him, but I don't know how long that lasted. He deleted all her texts so I don't know the extent of their communication.

My understanding is that he feels like he doesn't have enough friends, and he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. I don't want him to have fewer friends, but I don't like this particular one for obvious reasons. He insists nothing sexual is going on anymore, and therefore it's ok for them to remain in contact. He says it would be awkward for us to all get together, yet I feel like saying "so what ? That's your problem, take responsilility and do the right thing."

He wants me to just trust him to handle the situation on his own, but he broke our trust.

He's one of those alpha male types and has a problem with anyone telling him what to do.

[Wakeup]

Then I suggest that you be one of those Alpha female types that is an equal to her mate. You do not like him hanging with her, it is disrespectful to you and your relationship with him and he is excluding you from the so called "friendship" which is in affect, him dating her. I think you did the right thing breaking up with him the first time.

He takes you for granted that you'll put up with his sketchy and inappropriate behaviour. I think that taking for granted needs addressing. When you broke up with him, was it you that asked that he take you back or did he ask you to re-instate the relatioship? As I said, it's the women that don't rock the "alpha boat" that players hone in on.

[DanceMe]

He wanted us to stay together, then he changed his mind and broke it off with me.. I wanted him back and he said he couldn't live without me. So that's where we are, 6 months later. He treats me well in every other capacity. If I get mad at him he freaks out and is super apologetic. He has helped me through a lot, so much so that I feel like he is a kind of mentor to me.

I think I am the most sane and loving woman he has ever been with. I should tell him I feel disrespected and see what he says in response. I feel he may become defensive and refuse to distance himself from her.

FYI, I have a male friend that I am close to. There is no attraction and no history, although this friend will flirt with me and expresses interest in me from time to time. I see it as joking on his part but i think there remains some repressed desire within all of it. My boyfriend knows about it, and does not like this friend, but doesn't ask to be let in on the friendship, nor does he ask for details about it. However that situation differs in that I am not attracted to my male friend.

[DanceMe]

Ugh, seriously I feel like we really only have ourselves... My heart is chipped.. Focusing on making lots of meaningful friendships, working hard at what I am passionate about, singing really loud in my car, taking care of my body, smiling at strangers and being kind to others is all I can really live by at this point.

[Wakeup]

He wanted us to stay together, then he changed his mind and broke it off with me.. I wanted him back and he said he couldn't live without me. So that's where we are, 6 months later. He treats me well in every other capacity. If I get mad at him he freaks out and is super apologetic. He has helped me through a lot, so much so that I feel like he is a kind of mentor to me.

Did you make the suggestion that you get back together or did he? I think it's important because it goes to how much he actually values you versus how much of a simple opportunity presenting its self. I'm not saying this is your bf but there are men (some here even) who would take you back just to do you while keeping their option open with others.

I think I am the most sane and loving woman he has ever been with.

I'm sure that's exactly what Sandra Bullock told herself when she married porn star loving, one night stand particpator, Jesse James.

I should tell him I feel disrespected and see what he says in response. I feel he may become defensive and refuse to distance himself from her.

Well, at least you won't be his door mat who accepts any disrespectful behaviour he throws at you. He is in a relationship and when one chooses that exclusive dynamic, it is time to give up dating other women. His one-on-one activities with her is no different then him dating her. The fact he won't include you in on thier 'dating' is one huge red flag which you're afraid to acknowledge in case he drops you for her. Why be with someone who doesn't value you?

FYI, I have a male friend that I am close to. There is no attraction and no history, although this friend will flirt with me and expresses interest in me from time to time. I see it as joking on his part but i think there remains some repressed desire within all of it. My boyfriend knows about it, and does not like this friend, but doesn't ask to be let in on the friendship, nor does he ask for details about it. However that situation differs in that I am not attracted to my male friend.

The difference here is that you will bring him around your boyfriend and you're open to them becoming friends as well. The fact your bf won't meet with your male friend is yet another red flag. He want's to keep his life with his fb private and he can't very well do that if you're not keeping your simple friendship aside as well.

We teach people how to threat us. By not telling him "I feel disrespected when you date another girl in the guise of friendship" is teaching him that you are fine with his over-attachment to a former lover.

[bcgirl]

U got three options:
Break up with him or keep allowing him to hang out and fu(k her and shut up about it or suggest a 3some. Do not be naive to think nothing is going on between them two. There are huge red flags all over the place. First she is an ex. This means that at one time he was very much attracted to her or even loved her. Secondly, they fu(ked while you two were broken up and he tried to hide it. She is still wanting him back! He knows this and hangs out with her doing secret things and tells you that you aren't Allowed to be included!! What the hell do u think would be going on with a male and female exes together alone??! The fact that he deletes his texts shows he has something to hide. No wonder he doesn't want to lose you. You allow him to do whatever he wants! If he was my man, he wouldn't even see the light of day.

[Beenthere]

Look... men are simple creatures of habit.. its easy to slip into sleeping with someone you are comfortable with and have slept with before.. If he slept with her before you, and then during your break and is now trying to keep you apart... he is trying to hide something. If he only wanted to be her friend, he'd want you involved so you'd know its ok. He doesnt want you in contact because he knows whatever they do when they are together you wouldnt like it. They might not shag, they might just cuddle up on the sofa and hold each other like they are used to... but to me, thats intimite and wrong when in a relationship. You have to lay down the line, set the ground rules as to what you will accept, and if he doesnt like it, you have to say good bye.. before he hurts you even more.

[Turbo]

Even if you trust your bf (I'm not convinced you can, fyi), you definitely can't trust this chick. If she hasn't gotten in his pants since you got back together with him I guarantee she has tried, and again, she's definitely trying to lure him away from you so she can have him to herself.

She can dangle a carrot (or in this case vagina) in front of his face all day, HE has to be the one with restraint, it's his responsibility to maintain faithfulness to his GF, 100% HIS.

[Wakeup]

She can dangle a carrot (or in this case vagina) in front of his face all day, HE has to be the one with restraint, it's his responsibility to maintain faithfulness to his GF, 100% HIS.

That is correct however; She is totally without personal boundaries or self respect if she keeps dangling when she knows he's in a relationship. It is HIS responsibility to shut her down though.. and he's not so thats a problem for OP.

[DanceMe]

Ok, well here is some more information...

I contacted her and told her she and I needed to talk. She responded that she has a bf and is not a threat.

I understand I may be a bit naive at times but I am a very loving person. I won't however have my generous spirit be stomped on.

I think that she needs to back off and/ or my bf needs to make her very aware of his commitment to me, by limiting contact with her and introducing me.

I understand that he wants to remain friends, there are career factors associated. They have mutual circles. He just needs to start bringing me around since I am in the same career field, just not at their level yet. They are a bit older than me.