Battling the internal feelings

[Desdemona]

Sorry, long post ahead...

I posted in this forum about four and a half years ago (can't believe it was that long!) about being unable to find a relationship. Fast forward to 24, and I did have my very first relationship, it was wonderful, and at no point did I feel doubt or insecurity about the relationship (I expected of myself that I would, but surprisingly I didn't). However, it had to end because he had to back to his home country and we decided not to pursue a long distance relationship, although we still talk online reasonably often, although not in the capacity of a relationship.

However, that isn't the point of this thread, I'm now 25 and while my belief in relationships has gone up a slight notch, I'm still in the battle to find contentment in single life, with my rational mind certain that I am lovable And that deep down I recognise the being that I am, and this sense has strengthened over the years, but I cannot avoid the sense of loneliness, that sometimes rears its ugly head, and almost the indulgence in loneliness which is the easiest path, the one that comes most naturally to me if I didn't attempt to fight against it everyday.

I look at my life and I can't see much rational cause to be unhappy or feel unloved and unappreciated, but I can't deny the existence of these feelings in my heart. Sometimes I'm at a loss for what to do, as my feelings are clearly beyond even my own logic and reasoning. Sometimes I want to shake myself as I tell myself that I have friends, I'm mastering the art of singing and have performed at various concerts, I'm employed as a tax consultant at a highly reputable firm and have a decent stable career path, why on earth should I feel unfulfilled and lonely? But I do. I can't deny it. It tires my willpower as I constantly, constantly have to reaffirm to myself that I'm loved And that I love myself, And it works temporarily, as i can find many instances to prove this right, but I inevitably drift back to feeling unloved, ignored, unappreciated. And of course it's these thoughts that perpetuate themselves and probably cause me to be unsuccessful in love. I know the source of these feelings must be myself. Perhaps it's how I'm used to feeling somehow, with such a thought process becoming natural as breathing. But it's all mere conjecture, and I do not necessarily wish to diagnose myself in absolute terms because it may limit my line of thinking.

Sometimes my psyche is finely balanced, on the edge of positivity and emotional stability, perhaps a quiet confidence, but never quite completely getting there. Perhaps it's the inevitable nature of the human condition and an imperfect life but I'm coming to my wits end about how to deal with the feeling of frustration and emotional unfulfilment. It's not helped by the fact that it's difficult for me to be open with most people as I have found that very few can engage emotionally with me on the same wavelength, and that's just due to personal difference, just as I may not understand their emotional world.

However, I have an inescapable drive to love And be loved which is constantly unfulfilled and unsatiated and produces a background level of emotional solitude and pain every second of every day, sometimes it's quiet and I barely notice the feeling being there, but other days, it's full on, and I know the source of it is myself, perversely repeating the cycle of thoughts that lead me to feel unacknowledged, unwanted, unloved, and alone forever, that I have somehow become accustomed to. I have love and gratitude for the life I have, and the love i have in myself is what Keeps me going, but it doesn't feel like enough, and whatever I do, I don't see any way that I can completely break free from this forever.

I'll attach a picture of me just to prove I'm hopefully not hideous looking :p In fact I'm quite happy with the way I look physically now, it's just how I believe other people perceive me that is the problem. I will add as significant background information that while I am female in every way, I was born physically male and changed my body through hormones and surgery, the one boyfriend I did have knew of my past and accepted, and said that sex was no different to normal. However, it of course means that I can never be pregnant and bear my own children, and this, along with having to live as the opposite gender for nineteen years doesn't help things, to put it mildly!

Can anyone else relate and suggest how they've battled similar feelings of unfulfilment and loneliness?

Pic of me (if you're vaguely curious!) http://img833.imageshack.us/img833/2543/42141357599327493320934.jpg

[Desdemona]

Anyone there? :p

[vashti]

I think it's just the human condition. The only time I didn't feel this way was when I had children.

[Desdemona]

I don't know if it is just part of the human condition though. I know some people who are perfectly happy single and wouldn't mind staying that way. Some may be lying, but I'm sure some are genuine.

[IndiReloaded]

Des - you are still a beautiful young woman. Maybe you should PM Love's Reject (a very handsome, but shy young man). Are you still in Japan? It's not easy finding a companion in a foreign country.

On second thought - LR - get off your e-ass and PM this lovely young woman. Chance, man, she's been around here for a while and is a very nice, intelligent, *single* young woman!

[Wakeup]

OP... Working on the premise that you want to actually connect with someone that you'll eventually be able to meet, touch, smell, kiss and have a relationship within a car drive away with, why are you not doing active things to meet someone that you will eventually get a chance to feel his arms wrapped around you? Maybe you are being proactive but you haven't mentioned. Have you joined a dating site for instance, have you joined a group of others who are also transgendered wherein you'll meet kindred spirts who may have friends? I could go on, but what, if anything have you done that would bring you together with people who would not judge you or the change you've made?

It's human to want a lifemate ~ As mom used to say: "Every pot has a lid" What have you done to facilitate finding your "lid?"

[HeartIsAching]

Desdemona - you're a pretty young lady, no fear.

As Vashti said, it's pretty much the human condition. We all have a need to love and be loved. The key is to not give up.

[IndiReloaded]

The dating site is an excellent suggestion. Wakeup has a point about finding like-minded people. Remind me how long ago when you made the change?

[Desdemona]

The dating site is an excellent suggestion. Wakeup has a point about finding like-minded people. Remind me how long ago when you made the change?

Oh yes, don't worry, I've used dating sites for years, it's the only way I've had anything resembling dates, quite honestly, and I am reasonably proactive, although not too proactive if you know what I mean. I've tried pretty much everything in the book, signed up for over twenty personal development and love advice newsletters etc, some times I think not bothering is better, but even that doesn't really change things anyway. As for 'the change', it's been six and a half years now.
Oh, and I've also been back in the UK since July 2009

[IndiReloaded]

Here, just this am in the news:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2013/jan/28/why-data-secret-successul-dating

Oh, and I've also been back in the UK since July 2009

lol, well, I guess I'm getting old. You would remember me from another SN on here.

[pcmaster]

You are in Uk so wheeres the problem. Nightlive is amazing there - friday, saturday everyone gets drunk. Go to some clubs and dance with all the guys you see, For sure you gona find a BF. Zoosk and findmelove dating sites are good. Spend 3 years in UK and got lots of girls attention when I was active.

[Desdemona]

You are in Uk so wheeres the problem. Nightlive is amazing there - friday, saturday everyone gets drunk. Go to some clubs and dance with all the guys you see, For sure you gona find a BF. Zoosk and findmelove dating sites are good. Spend 3 years in UK and got lots of girls attention when I was active.

That kind of thing is great... If you want just sex. But I'm not into the clubbing scene at all, nor getting drunk. I can let loose without alcohol, which saves me money and from drinking something I think tastes foul.

[Maple1714]

OP - you don't sound like you have much love for yourself. Do you really love yourself? Your here doubting you current state and your future. If you have confidence in yourself it shines through in every aspect of your life. You do not need to be the most attractive woman to have men coming out of the wood work to be with you. You are holding yourself back, hiding behind doubt and too much thought. Have you ever really let go?

Ask yourself what you really want out of life? If you are feeling stagnate and a bit depressed, then it's time to make changes. Do something wild and crazy and let loose. Take some LSD and explore your own mind. You sound like you have a strong mind, so use it to pull yourself out of thinking these things.

[pcmaster]

Yeah Thats great if you can get loose without alcohol. So drink juice and just dancing is amazing, its not like you will get offered sex everynight. I noticed that its ussualy girls asking about sex and showing naked ass on dance floor. If you wanna have fun than do something.

[Desdemona]

OP - you don't sound like you have much love for yourself. Do you really love yourself? Your here doubting you current state and your future. If you have confidence in yourself it shines through in every aspect of your life. You do not need to be the most attractive woman to have men coming out of the wood work to be with you. You are holding yourself back, hiding behind doubt and too much thought. Have you ever really let go?

Ask yourself what you really want out of life? If you are feeling stagnate and a bit depressed, then it's time to make changes. Do something wild and crazy and let loose. Take some LSD and explore your own mind. You sound like you have a strong mind, so use it to pull yourself out of thinking these things.

I feel like I'm coming to love myself and in a way that's the easier bit because it only involves the relationship with myself, but affirming to myself that I'll find someone to love me is a constant everyday struggle for me to reconcile the truth I know and how I feel. I can control how I feel about myself, but I can't control how someone feels about me. It's a significant possibility that I never meet someone who I can be with, not because I'm a terrible person or anything, but sheer bad luck, and the idea of somebody being with me often feels like a foreign concept even though I *know* I shouldn't feel this way.

I don't know whether it's a problem with me, but the idea of 'letting go' and doing something outrageous feels forced and contrived to me, but maybe that's just me. I'm open with how I feel about myself what I think and what morals I live by, and that's enough for me.

I've worked for years and years on confidence, but I wonder why it's just seemingly impossible to change my feelings with my thoughts, permanently. While I can feel fine temporarily, something will trigger off the feeling of being unloved and unacknowledged. I've had a lifelong problem of almost indulging in sadness and loneliness at times, it's what feels like the easiest and natural to tend towards, and I have to constantly pull myself away from it. However, I just don't know how I can set myself free from such thought patterns permanently. Everyone goes on about "having more confidence", "changing thought patterns" and so on, but nobody really goes into depth about actually how to get to that point, and stay there without lapsing.

I tend not to reach out to people because when I do, even though they may have the best intentions, almost everyone I know attempts to "fix" my "problem" using logic and reason, which aren't much different to the logical things I tell myself anyway. I don't want sympathy, because that just fuels negativity in the long run, but sometimes it'd be nice to have my feelings acknowledged, understood and empathised with - that's what I try to do if somebody I know feels down. I don't have that, however, so when I feel down, I'm alone and the feelings are bottled up inside.